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I made my sister promise to say “she ate” in my eulogy and then dance in my grave

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I have literally no idea! I mean it was a creative class if that has anything to do with it

Do you guys like my old old poem 😭😭😭

(Poem just incase: toast, it’s crunchy and munchy, avocado, peanut butter, plain butter, hummus, jam, bloody oranges, blood, blood, blood, knives spread these on my crunchy munchy toast, nice sharp knives, sharp, sharp knives, perfect for bread and meat, juicy bloody meat, knives are perfect for slicing bread toast and bones, these fellows have no idea, they’ve become part if my toast)

I hope this was satire because literally wtf! Also I turned this in for a grade

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I don’t think the teacher actually read anything we turned in. My memoir was written in comic sans and the second page was “it’s my last year, it’s almost over” repeated over and over again.

Do you guys like my old old poem 😭😭😭

(Poem just incase: toast, it’s crunchy and munchy, avocado, peanut butter, plain butter, hummus, jam, bloody oranges, blood, blood, blood, knives spread these on my crunchy munchy toast, nice sharp knives, sharp, sharp knives, perfect for bread and meat, juicy bloody meat, knives are perfect for slicing bread toast and bones, these fellows have no idea, they’ve become part if my toast)

I hope this was satire because literally wtf! Also I turned this in for a grade

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A little something I edited last year!

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There’s a regular at the fabric superstore. She’s at least 80 years old, and she just got back into sewing after giving it up for 40 years. We’ll call her Irma.

I love Irma.

Irma is constantly surprised by the newfangled sewing gadgets our store sells. Today she bought some extra-fine glass-head pins and a magnetic pincushion. As I’m ringing her purchases up, she tells me very seriously, “did you know, if you’re careful, you can sew RIGHT OVER those pins? You don’t need to take them out!”

I told her that I liked that you can’t accidentally melt the head of the glass pins with your iron, and she nodded. “They used to all be like that, but times changed.”

I love old sewing machines and asked what kind of machine she has, and she goes, “Oh, it’s an old Singer Featherweight that my husband bought me when we were first married. It’s probably not worth anything anymore, but the thing sews fine. Have you seen the ones those girls over there–” indicating the sewing machine sub-store in my location “–have? Those things go in every direction and the needle always comes to the top when you stop sewing! Imagine how handy that is!”

I mention that I used to sew on my grandmother’s Featherweight but now there’s a intra-family war about who owns Grandma’s Featherweight and so no one gets to use it. It’s genuinely the best portable straight-stitch machine I’ve ever used.

I warn her to never let anyone tell her that Featherweight isn’t worth something. “I know, I miss my husband and it’s always going to have a place in my heart, just like your grandma’s.”

“I mean, Irma, there’s that, but they’re also worth a really notable amount of money. The Singer Featherweight is really financially valuable. I almost never see them for sale around here for less than about $400, and that’s in bad condition.”

“It’s a good thing my husband’s dead, honey, because if you told him that he managed to buy a sewing machine that’s worth more in 2021 than he bought it for in 1950, well, he’d be so smug that I just wouldn’t be able to tolerate driving home with him.”

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DAY 15

GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 15

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me when my friends . yea

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I’m getting sick of people saying “do you want me to do it with you” when I ask if they want to do something. Something about that response feels rude. Like they don’t want to do it with me. I can do it myself if you don’t want to. IM NOT ASKING ABOUT ME IM ASKING ABOUT YOU

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Clench your assholes lads we’re on the hunt for pirates

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I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS REAL

Homestuck Sharpie Dying Horror Story

So,

via a recent reblog, I found out that the story of my friend’s hotel room had circulated far and wide across the internet. May I just say that this story is completely true and I was there to witness the bathroom. The post was made on /cgl/ but neither of us circulated it back to tumblr because we tend to not want to connect the two sites.

I’ll repost the story and then go into details after.

The story goes, as posted by my friend and experienced first hand.

Room with friends for Anime Expo. They have a few stragglers to makeup for last minute drop outs in the room. They don’t know one of the girls to well but they need the money. Girl IS probably where the term Hambeast originated as well as a few other words. (See: Weeaboo, japanophile, fucking retard) We’ll call her Tarry. We get to the con Friday night and Tarry is 3 hours late. (This wouldn’t have mattered but we had to pay at check in and she hadn’t paid yet).

Get settled in. She throws her stuff all over the room and proceeds to start yaking about her new favorite thing. Homestuck. (A forward, I don’t mind homestuck itself, but I hate the fandom.) Saturday rolls around. Tarry is cosplaying a troll from homestuck. (The one with the red eyes and the Libra symbol.) She locks herself in the bathroom. “I need to get into my troll makeup! Don’t come in!” 2 Hours later she still isn’t done. There are 2 people in the room with Trinity Blood costumes, and my self and my friend have makeup that takes at least an hour to apply. Plus we all still need to shower. (Not that our costumes automatically take priority but 2 hours, really?) We notice a funny smell coming from the bathroom. Door is locked, and she wont let us in.

15 minutes later we start to get really suspicious. Friend decides to shimmy open the door. Her purse and valuables are in there and she needs to go. Get door open. Tarry is sitting in the bathtub, naked. The bathtub is filled almost half way with what we later found out was 70% alchohol and sharpie dye. Bottles and sharpies everywhere. It’s all over the walls. On the tile. On almost all the towels. On several articles of clothing and bags in the bathroom. What she says? 

“I was going to clean it up!”

BITCH YOU TRIED TO DYE YOURSELF GREY IN A BATHTUB.  We kick her out of the room. She pays the $700 dollars in damage fees. She gets skin poisoning/damage from her stupid stunt. Fucking Homestuck fans. 

That’s the story as was posted. To clarify, it was one of those situations where my friend needed people in her room desperately because people had dropped out and we all know how expensive hotels were. They had known the girl from a prior convention and of course she seemed sane enough but things just went progressively downhill as the convention went on.

People have been saying that one can’t get ink poisoning from Sharpies, and while you actually can, the other thing was that she had used a mix of sharpies and 70%  alchohol to dye herself in. Along with alchohol poisoning, over exposure to the substances combine can produce various negative effects on the body. 

I was called about the situation and dropped by my friends hotel as they were moving stuff out. The whole hotel room reeked of sharpies and alchohol. There were hand prints and streaks of grey/black sharpie residue everywhere and they had kept Tarry there to take down to the hotel staff to report the incident and have her pay for the damages.

So yeah. That’s the story. It happened. I’ll try to dig up the picture of the hotel bathroom if I can find it to post up because damn. shit was redonk.

The moral of the story is to not be such a fucking idiot and think before you act.

/April out.

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This Man Did Something That’s Already Expected Of Women But He Gets Extra Praise Cause He’s A Man

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Santa is on strike due to global warming.  All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger.  Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.

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None Pizza with Left Beef is 10 years old today.

happy birthday to a decade-old meme.

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stop what you're doing right now and look at archaic period terracotta fox scratching its head

ok you can continue