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get out of my head, please

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i felt it pounding in your chest or was it my imagination?

did you stay a little longer in my embrace because i’m still the safest place you know?

did your hands linger on my waist for a second because you wanted to pull me in a kiss like you used to do?

the doors opened and we were still there, my defense low when i tried to be silly but you surprised me by being endearing, my ear on your chest and your heart pounding. do i still make you nervous? or are those the feelings you’re trying to keep in for both of our sakes.

i can’t lie, not to you, today more than ever i felt the weight of our hearts almost take us down again. the sigh at our goodbye, the refuse to let go.

are we doomed to be friends who are still in love, in awe and in pain?

i think i felt it in your chest. you miss me as much as i miss you.

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because i crave love, but i won’t beg for it

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veámonos en los atardeceres, mi amor

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lately you make me think of spring and fall, my favorite seasons. you make me bloom in orange shades, you make me blush, all red and yellow, you keep me up and give me peace.

angelic entity to worship on this earth, fly back to me when the time comes, and feed me on the intoxicating scent of everything you do. drown me in love and make me yours as you want, because today i take you as you are, my sweet lullaby of spring and fall 🍂🌸

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i think of that moment too many times.

you and me, no, us, in the middle of the club, with the lights, the bodies, the sweat and the music all around us, alcohol high in our heads pumping our hearts. we were not alone, but i swear there was no one else. we were finally able to give it all, i made a joke and you smiled brightly at me, the way you grabbed my face, fiercely but sweetly, and that kiss.

you kissed me like there was no one else in the world, like you’d forget the feeling as soon as you parted from my lips, like i was the most important person in your whole world, how i wish that was true.

love bloomed from within, as we danced, and laughed, and kissed. and you took my heart with ease, and i’m sure that night we both made the silent promise of loving, even thought it was too hard to say so quick. well, i made it at least. i know you did too, but i guess your promise faded quickly, as mine still stands tall in the emptiness of my heart.

i love you, and it hurts so much to say.

i think of hidden kisses in little restaurants and parks under the sun. i think of texts until dawn. i think of plans we made but never executed. i think of you mending my heart, when you were the one to break it.

what did i not do? when will i be enough to be loved fully and unconditionally?

sorry if it wasn’t enough. i was so sure it was.

that kiss and many more will haunt me in my dreams, sweet memories in a bitter present.

i think of that moment too many times.

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I really should sleep, but I don’t want to.

It feels cozy under the bedsheets, but it feels lonely, it doesn’t feel quiet, it feels utterly silent.

The smell of nothing, the empty gut and the numb heart, it all just feels too realistic, not glamorous enough to be part of something bigger. Life feels real, too real to be good, to ever feel okay.

Not that it feels bad, it feels…stuck, too simple, no meaning beyond the struggle to exist.

Do we find purpose on existing or is existence an endless quest for purpose.

Too lonely. Too real. Too raw and fleshed out. Too stuck.

It’s not going to last forever. A song will have you dancing around a room, or happily humming while driving around empty streets. The stress will have you at your limit and the humanity that lies within yourself will force you to survive. Emotions are real, but they make existence seem less pointless, more like a movie, more entertaining, less…real. Real emotions make up for fake purposes in a life that’s too real.

So yeah, won’t last forever. But surely there will be other nights.

Other nights where I should be sleeping but not wanting to.

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here’s to you

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she was afraid.

she never knew where to look, her heart had been taken once but then it was too complicated to feel like that again.

she thought she had found someone, the sweetest brown eyes, the loveliest smile, she fit right into her arms, and she never let her down like other people used to. it felt right, but it didn’t fit. she held the purest hope close too her chest for a little bit too long, but it never worked, and it probably never will, because they are not meant to be anyway.

then she tried to fall again, to fall harder, the problem was exactly that, she was trying too hard, she just wanted to hold onto something, something that maybe was never there, that was no more than a pretty illusion, but that was also meant to fail. she still wonders, and thinks and dreams, and wishes to forgive and be forgiven, but it is a little too hard.

will she ever love again?

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the night was depressing and unwelcoming.

the wind tried to pull my skirt and blow my spirit away. the terrible smell made my mouth fill up with an awful taste. the strangers made me feel laughable while standing at the street of misery. every car went by so loudly, crushing the silence of the night, scaring the gut out of me. the tears never showed up because they were afraid.

i’m scared that all my senses will perceive every other day as unwelcoming as this unpleasant night.

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missing being kissed passionately, furiously, lovingly, genuinely

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i miss writing shit that makes sense, that sounds pretty.

i miss feeling alive describing how dead i feel inside.

i miss getting butterflies in behalf of the characters that come to life under the magic of my pen or my fingertips.

i never took a fucking challenge. la pared never existed, neither maren, no one did.

where did it all go.

when did the dream vanish away.

when did you lose hope.

when did it all change.

or you changed?

was it for the better or for the worst?

was it worth it? do you feel anything?

i miss feeling. i miss existing being desperate about what's next.

i miss being anxious about the future. i'm now closer to "future", to what 16 year old me calls "future" while dreaming of stupid love and nice places and great adventures.

i'm not depressed. just quite dissapointed.

not on me, not on life, just on...hope.

i miss you, please come back soon.

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what goes through your prayers when you talk to god? you lay next to me while doubts flood my mind. are you praying for yourself? are you getting me protection from the angels? are you thinking about her? are you planning on leaving again? you. you are the mystery that keeps me awake.

i don’t talk to god anymore but i’m always praying for you.

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tienen frío las amapolas, están llenas de agua.

no sé si de tanto llorar o de tanto llover.

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once there was this girl, this girl was in love with a guy, but she didn’t know she was in love, she firmly refused to believe in the lies of the heart

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when did it start? honestly, i can’t tell.

i just remember your embrace and your eyes and your smile. 

guess it was always there

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i knew it was too late once i missed the scent of your hair in my pillow