douloseyes-blog

[douloseyes-blog]

im ur go-to person

my cousin ian shared to me today that he is joining an inter-schools competition that is related to photography... <3 

wow...when did i become that go-to person? the other day my friend asked me to help him make a decision about college...when did i become that go-to person?? <3 i thought i’m not really a cool person that my young cousins relate to...maybe i should be “that cool” cousin...then i realized that i’d rather be the cousin that my cousins look to for support...someone who stands...someone who understands...my cousin sharing to me his passion with just peace and happiness and a very beautiful kind of overwhelmed feeling...i feel so good...i feel so privileged...i feel like this is where God wants me...encouraging people’s passions...because I know Him who wired me...not every person is going to have “that one person” who understands and encourages passions in a loving way...and i feel so happy and so significant that the people i love... have me.

[douloseyes-blog]

I’m part of the crowd.

The crowd that needs help.

The crowd who raise their hands in worship for something they can’t overcome.

The crowd that got issues.

The crowd who look at their screens and out the windows thinking life is somewhere else.

The crowd who watch Youtube videos everyday.

The envious crowd.

The crowd

The crowd who don’t have the power to make certain choices.

The “Ordinary” crowd.

The crowd who constantly need grace.

The crowd who tend to wander. The crowd who wander often. Maybe as often as everyday. 

I guess I’m not special.

I guess I’m not a cut above the rest.

And there can never be a room I’ll find myself in where I am more special, or more loved.

I’m not exempted from anything.

This battle is vicious...and it just gets harder.

[douloseyes-blog]

my disloyal heart

Gail,

When are you going to realize that I am enough?

When are you going to realize that I am enough for you?

When are you going to love just one Person, if you could love just one Person?

When is it going to be just me? Just me. It is me, Jesus...when are you going to realize that I am enough?

I am enough for you.

When am I going to be able to say, “I love you with all that I am?”

listening to Depths, by Hillsong Worship

[douloseyes-blog]

Why is it so hard to understand?

Why is it so hard to understand that I love you?

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I loved you then.

I love you now.

I love you still.

I will never stop.

I love you.

I love you.

Every grain of sand.

Every drop of blood.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

[douloseyes-blog]

Never belittle somebody's passion

Never belittle somebody's occupation.

When someone is uncertain about their future, do not belittle them.

Do not belittle someone's anxiety.

Never belittle someone's uncertainty.

Never tell them to take their "Big Girl Pill" or "Big Boy Pill" first.

Never belittle how somebody ended up where they a r e. It's not final. It's not meaningless.

Never belittle somebody's occupation.

Never belittle somebody's passion.

Thank God for depth and variety.

Thank God for the simple things.

Thank God for flavor, for color, for the simple joys in life.

Thank

God.

[douloseyes-blog]

Meet the High Five from ‘Ready Player One’

[douloseyes-blog]

captain, hillsong united.

[douloseyes-blog]

where You are, hillsong young & free

*:✧*:･ﾟ credits on larryopen *:✧*:･ﾟ

[douloseyes-blog]

my mind

my greatest asset

my greatest battleground

Rick Warren

[douloseyes-blog]

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

[douloseyes-blog]

—Surprise on my way-

[douloseyes-blog]

i can’t save this family

i can’t save this family...i just can’t

i think that any change that happens, getting to the other side, any transformation...it starts at a place where you’re just so desperate....a place of desperation and a place of powerlessness that just causes you to just drop your guard before God and just say to him, “God, i can’t do this...”

the reason why this affects me is because Doulos is in the business of the restoration of families...strengthening families...fighting for families...building up God-fearing families who are engaged in the activity of God...and then building that up again so they can build up other families as well...

as early as Post Encounter i have been encouraged to envision myself as a mum and ever since i have dreamed about it...

but right now im not talking about the hope that i have for my future family because of how much God has done in my life because right now i am here in this family...the family i was born into...

and i can’t keep pretending that there is nothing wrong.

at first i was so fired up...i envisioned testifying about how God has done it...telling the world about how God is not finished yet...because then i would have something to say to my Doulos fam that this and that strategy worked...

but lately i just feel like i have taken emotional blows from my family that it seems as if it was the last thing to break free from...i do little acts of love...listening...just hugging my sister after she comes home from work...praying for her...and i think i have come to realize HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE HOPING THEY WOULD NOTICE BUT IT SEEMS AS IF THEY NEVER WILL OR ONLY WILL AFTER 100 YRS

i would tell my sister about some plans and she wouldnt appreciate

she’d repeat the things i’d say in disbelief that i actually believe that is gonna work

i wont go into every detail

but lately mum had imposed some things on me that created a friction between what she wanted and what i wanted

and believing in honoring parents, humility, and even after a couple of days of misery i reached a point compromise

i developed my own reasons for taking up what she wanted me to take up

i found a place of compromise where i was doing what she wanted for the reasons that were mind and considered how that aligned to my purpose, and i got excited about what i’d tell her and how i’ll do it...

but she did not seem enthusiastic. she just said, “ok..that’s yours to decide...just find a school...”

R U

KID D I N G 

ME

it was then that i realized that mother loved me but she had communication problems and it’s either it’s just pure communication problems or that she treated me like a pizza whose life is sliced into stages and I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THAT.

i’m tired justifying myself...even to you, reader...even in front of the mirror

im done 

im tired

im in a miry clay

...

im done

IM. SO. DONE.

this is not how this family is going to work

this is not how it;s going to be in 10 years.

THIS IS MY FAMILY AND I HAVE THE ACCESS TO GOD

BUT RIGHT NOW

REALLY I THINK SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY IS JUST STEP BACK AND STOP TRYING SO HARD...

JUST STEP BACK AND SAY TO GOD, “GOD I CANT DO THIS”

i realized praying to God “COME AND DO WHAT ONLY YOU CAN DO” meant that you had to step back and just stop trying to do what only he can do

stop trying to prove them anything

stop trying to make them notice

dont even try to shove your faith down their throats

dont even set a goal for other people because you can’t

goals need cooperation and your family has free will

God didn’t force you into himself

you responded to him

and you can’t save your family

you can’t set goals that need their cooperation because even loving them does not guarantee their cooperation

im just gonna take a step back

I CANT SAVE THIS FAMILY

I

JUST

CANT

[douloseyes-blog]

nahihirapan aq sa SOL

Hello! I know mukha akong mahina, but it’s been rough lately. First of all I don’t understand why SOL is so hard in my context - considering i’m not yet developing my ability to win souls. I’m just in SOL...I don’t even know concretely how SOL fits in the picture or this and that..

But Mom has been angry about finding out that I been going to church that is 1 hour away from home that serves 5,000 people and on top of that - she’s catholic. They’re all catholics - except me and my uncle. Then tomorrow is my 3rd week and we’re meeting at 6PM because ASEAN will be using major venues WHICH IS PERFECTL OKAY but also means we’re squeezing into PBS which means we have 4 services which means the trainings are going to get pushed aside to 6PM which is bad because I live an hour away in a catholic home.

i dont get why it’s hard im so weak which is really ok except im not sure if i have the passion to keep going.

i know i look weak i know i seem like im not fighting...maybe im not. maybe i dont know if i should fight or if it’s worth fighting for i mean in the context of my life???? my leader is not even replying to me right now. maybe she’s busy with ministry and stuff, but it’s so hard. i dont know if i should keep on. i shuld probably just stay home tomorrow

this is the part where it starts getting rough.

**

PS. i messaged my teacher and she was so kind to allow me to take makeup class since i can’t attend 6PM trainings. why are our leaders so kind? today i prayed for assistance to catch up with my devotionals (because i received my materials on the 3rd week) and God has been so kind to me. i’m catching up)

[douloseyes-blog]

cruel

Sometimes my feelings take on this kind of form that is pure and strong and tumultuous -- sometimes cruel, but always seeming bigger than me.

Sometimes I wish...someone will just see me. I hate how hypocritical I am. I claim to love humanity, yet I hate the simple human emotion. It is the simple human emotions that I am terrified of. I am accustomed to mixed emotions. I’m accustomed to confusion. But when my emotions are simple, then I start to become terrified because they may say things that are true, even though feelings lie all the time.

One night I was looking out the green cab when I started to cry and feel helpless because i began to consider the possibility that I may be mentally ill in an undeserved kind of way. I used to say that this world is broken and that sickness is a curse we brought upon ourselves and that humans deserve pain and suffering but that night, I thought, sometimes I feel like my brain isn’t mine and maybe I’m mentally ill and it’s not my fault. I kinda always saw people to be a child of Go d who screwed up but in that moment I felt like, just for once, i’m just a child.

[douloseyes-blog]

my superiority complex

Some things about me I hate seeing in others but are true for myself.

I am a bit cruel.

I wish I don’t come off as an egotistic human who glorifies being strong or cruel or brutal like those who romanticize illness but sometimes I actually romanticize how I like it like that. (I don’t mean I like being cruel. I mean I like being a certain thing that I shouldn’t be). But saying complex feelings in one phrase clarifies a complex emotion and helps me manage it.  Instead of saying “My temper just strikes high and makes me inconsiderate of how people are scarred by the rocks I throw in the split second I lose my temper and I don’t know what to do.”Say, “Ah, I’m cruel. That needs to change. How do I make changes?”

Also, I have superiority complex.

I think I inherited it from my mom, if these kinds of things are inherited at all. My mom tends to be dominant, even with male counterparts. I’ve been chewing on the concept of my dominant personality this morning, recalling my friends in junior high school. I think I kinda shook their world because I was discouraging them about working too hard in school being taught by teachers who teach everything except money. I also noticed that any group I’m in will not move until I push them. I also noticed that a plan won’t push through if I wasn’t there. I also noticed that I tend to determine the direction a group goes. Now this is a big relief when it comes to my family. I noticed that my family has made a lot of sacrificial arrangements only because I wanted to study somewhere or live somewhere. It humbles me as hell but it also relieves me because it meant that I had a strong degree of influence which allowed me to set some standards in my family. My goal is to be like Cornelius, “who led his family to live worshipfully before the Lord.” (Acts 2)

But if you couple my superiority complex with my sensitivity? tHAT MEANS IM UPSET 80% of the week if someone disagrees with me, or someone raises his voice one bit, or if someone even looks like they’re being equal with me. It’s undesirable as hell when I imagine looking at this trait of mine from the outside, to see someone who holds such entitlement. Someone who thinks they’re always better, who thinks everyone doesn’t measure up. Someone who thinks she deserves the chance to lord her opinions over everybody. For example, right now some people aren’t gonna be able to go to my party and I’m like, “WHAT THE HELL COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY PARTY? NOT YOUR GARBAGE SCHOOL WORK”

Of course it needs to change, but right now Im a bit romantic about it. Which is then again proves how hypocritical i am! Because I hate people romanticizing things. ANd yet here I am. Romanticizing.

I believe that this authority can actually lead to somewhere good but if it upsets the hell out of me because im sensitive as hell and keeps perpetuating offenses made by people who move on so quickly with their lives because they are selfish as hell? Then i gotta toughen up.

i hate ppl glorifying their issues

idk if im in fact glorifying mine

i hope im not

[douloseyes-blog]

im sorry im not what everybody wished i would be

i feel both...guilty and sorry...

guilty because i feel some feelings i feel like i should not be feeling. I guess after this post i will be able to realize that...being grateful for a person does not mean whitewashing them. Filipinos are known all around the world for certain things but we are especially known for filial piety. We love our families even sometimes to the extent of sacrificing our own passions to please those who raised us. I’m 18 now, and I’m more conscious of things more than ever. My greatest fear is an untold story. I’m afraid of the stories of the 4 different lives I live with that they don’t show. And in this post I’m just going to let you in on one small thing.

I’m guilty because I’m grateful as hell for my parents - especially my mom. But this gratefulness is rubbing against my fear of an untold story, a friction that compels me to discover the place of the ugly parts about a relationship juxtaposed against my gratitude.

I’m guilty because I’m grateful for my mom but I hate some things she does and I’m sorry I’m not the person she wished I was.

If you are reading this I want you to know that I’m not sorry in a way people in the movies are. I’m not “sorry not sorry”. 

My heart bleeds when my aunt brags to the neighbors how much of scholar I am. Mom, I’m not a scholar anymore.

I’m sorry I’m not what my mom wished I turned out to be. At first I was, “Hold on, mom, I think my intuition is greater. If you let me follow this, the beginning may be slow but in the long run I’ll be able to give you more than both of us has imagined.” Over time, she has tried giving me a subtle push to do things and go into directions I have absolutely no respect for. Recently she has sent me a link about these people from our school who were representing stuff in other countries and offering me the possibility that I may be like them. My chest wells up within me with a fiery rage BECAUSE I HAVE NO INTEREST IN IMPRACTICAL ACADEMICS. How long are we going to go through this process before anybody is able to say, “She’s not the same person in junior high school.” My priorities have changed. I have lost all my interest in glory in that field. She wants me to produce content that have no place in my vision. And lately, she was giving me a push into a public speaking career. Which is good because I just said my greatest fear in an untold story. But she hopes I’d go into the investing money-making public speaker like this guy a lot of people idolizes. Which again is a field that I don’t have much respect for. I have considered taking that career but what came out of me was this thought that there are things that are not bad to do at all, they’re just not worth it in the context of your shape. I’m born to tell stories. Am I gonna invest in the stock market? Yes. Am i going to make a career teaching people how to? No. Why not? Because I’m a storyteller, that’s why. Is it bad? No. It’s just that I said, “You know it’s not bad BUT LET THEM DO IT. IT’S NOT FOR ME.” There is one thing in this world that I have and that is a voice. It is my responsibility to protect that voice and earn respect for speaking my truth. You can’t use that gift everywhere or you won’t have impact.

And after all these patterns, I just started to become angry.

Am I ungrateful?

I’m not.

I can tell you that I’m grateful as hell.

By observation i can say that I;’m the most grateful person in this family because I don’t complain. You don’t know where my gratitude comes from and that is from the fact that my mom had the option to abort her pregnancy but she didn’t. I fill the gaps as fairly as I can manage BECAUSE OF THE STORIES MY MOTHER DOESN’T TELL. I think about everything that my mother has done for me.

And you know what?

When I thought about the things that made me angry against the things that I thanked for...

I realize that being angry does not whitewash the good things she has done but being grateful does not whitewash the bad things she had done.

I realized that after all the hundred million sacrifices..

my mother is not a saint.

She doesn’t make my choices for me.

She doesn’t decide if I follow Jesus.

She doesn’t decide if I operate in my SHAPE.

She doesn’t decide what path I take.

She doesn’t decide my life message.

She’s not God.

Do I love her?

Yes.

Am I grateful for her?

Yes.

[douloseyes-blog]

October 10th

My 18th birthday.

I’m both overwhelmed and underwhelmed.

Underwhelmed because despite all the revivals heaving upon me wave after wave lately, today was very quiet. I watched Shrek in the morning, fell asleep early in the afternoon, and ate at Gerry’s Grill for dinner with my family. The first time we all went outside together to actually enjoy something. I didn’t do schoolwork, decided to stop studying for my college entrance test this Saturday. A great gift arrived today too. A text message from Nikon saying my camera is ready for pickup. I have prayed over and over that I’d be able to pick it up before my Debut, and now it’s here, my only request is that it’s genuinely okay and okay for good, and not rushed. I’m really hopeful about that.

Overwhelmed because of how good God is to me...that this is the time He is raising areas of my life from the dead. I have fine tuned my life into a clearer direction. I’m taking hold of God’s cause, and I’m marrying the story. I want to be a storyteller. I want to live a creative life. I want to stop doing things I hate..things I wasn’t wired for.

That’s all I’m gonna say.