I’m depressed. Life is hard. This is just where I go to document the few ups and many downs. Let me be sad.
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1-5-23 Thursday @12:05AM
He messaged me on the first day back to school asking if I hate him now. Such a weird conversation. Wouldn’t you think someone who cares enough to reach out about this would feel guilty about something? But he said he has nothing to feel bad about… okay so all those sweet words. “I’m going to call you by your Vietnamese name when I introduce you to my family”. Who says things like that without meaning? I knew he was a player… why did I get involved with him?
He just has hurt me in so many ways and it’s obvious that he doesn’t care even though he made it seem as if he did. I know it’s stupid and I should get over him, but he’s hurt me more than I ever thought was possible. I’ve been in a constant state of self-hate. I feel unwanted. I feel unlovable. I feel disposable. I feel worthless. I feel empty.
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Day 5 - Saturday 12/31/22 @3:30AM
I’m not doing okay. Slacking off with my studies because I’m too busy eating my time in order to keep my mind off the bad feelings. I thought I was getting over him, but I just can’t… then there’s me falling for M and here we go again. I just… hate myself. Why is dying so hard?
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Day 4 - Thursday 12/8/22 12:03AM
Found out today that he’s talking to that girl again. So it seems like she isn’t actually in a relationship and it’s a weird situation. I hope he’s happy with her. But I need to realize I deserve better too. You can ignore him. You can do this.
Feeling slightly better about school. Maybe I know more than I actually think. I do need to study though.. and I should surround myself with the people in school who actually pay attention. Why do I feel the need to help others who don’t care for me? Why am I always like this?
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Day 3 - Monday 12/5/22 2:33PM
In class and the group project is so awkward. They stopped talking immediately after I came back. At this point I’m certain I have to just not say anything. There’s no point in embarrassing yourself any more. Sending him that text isn’t going to get the response you want. WAKE UP. Find someone that wants you. You will be okay B... just get through class for now.
Update @7:37PM
Another message on slack... just to update me about the project. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to send a text. Especially when we’ve been texting each other. I feel so weird. Just... how bad of a person am I? Or how disgusting was it to kiss me? Or to spend time with me? Was it really that boring? That bad of a date? Don’t send that text Brandon. Just finish this week strong and move on.
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Day 2 - Sunday 12/4/22 2:30AM
Writing this in the odd hours of the morning because I haven’t slept yet. Finally met Sean today. It was a nice night and he’s a very sweet guy. It really helped me to feel wanted again. Of course I thought about Elizar today, but it wasn’t as bad.
Note to self: this was the day we made the charcuterie for Hailey’s bday party.
Glad today wasn’t as bad, but that was because we were so busy today… and the hook up behavior in order to move on and heal isn’t healthy. But for now, that’s okay.
Update @ 2:29PM
I got a slack message from him... why didn’t he just text me? He has my number and that’s more efficient for the project. The fact that he won’t text me is just a reality check. He really hates you. Stop clinging to him. Just let him go. Finish this project. Don’t send him the text. Just focus on school and disappear.
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Do you ever feel like this reality is just not made for you.
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Day 1 - Friday 12/2/22
So I’m just here to start journaling my feelings. I heard journaling would help with the anxiety and constant thinking?
Lately all I can think about is one person… Elizar. It’s just so crazy to me how someone can go from pursuing me endlessly for a few short weeks and then treating me like I’m the plague. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. What is it about me that is so unloveable? What makes me unwantable? Undateable. I just feel like complete trash. He said he didn’t want to hit it and quit it, but here we are. 😅
What do I do? I just… can’t stop wanting him. This has always been my problem. And because of this I’m going to be ostracized from the group at school. What are the chances that he wants me? He really doesn’t seem interested at all. The lack of replies… I’m sure he’s tired of me. So what am I going to do? Next weekend I want to text him…
Something along the lines of:
“Hey Mr Elizar… I just wanted to start off by saying I really like you 😅 and that’s my problem. You’re funny, sweet, a little bit goofy and apparently I can’t get enough of that. But I don’t want to keep pining after you and acting all weird. So I just wanted to make sure you knew that I don’t hate you since that’s what you thought last time I started keeping my space 🙇🏻 ”
Is that weird? Am I too clingy? Of course I’m too clingy. Because no one’s ever treated me the way he did and then I had to go fucking crazy and ruin it all. Why is my life always like this? It’s seriously just a damn movie and I’m the center of all the misfortune 🥲 At this moment yes I do wish I could die. Would I kill myself? Absolutely not. But if I could I would love to just never wake up again. This IS NOT because of Elizar. This is just how I’ve felt for a long time. And I wanted Elizar to be the reason that pushed me through school and kept me wanting to live. That was selfish of me and of course it didn’t happen, but that’s the story of my life.
See you day 2, whenever that is.
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