dontcallmeclaudia

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Hey everyone, I’m going camping tomorrow so I shall not be able to do any replies. (Cause you’ve been getting so many over the last week I’m so sorry) I return on saturday 25th and hopefully I will come back her and actually do something. I’ve just been distracted by my new rp blog.

[dontcallmeclaudia]

        “Yes well, I suppose we better get on it. Where is it this time?”

               “Anomalies don’t care if we need a break, Jenny. They just… ‘appen.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today? [text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here [text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after. [text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW [text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA. [text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants. [text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese [text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it [text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?” [text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet? [text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him. [text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life. [text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later. [text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. [text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife. [text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops. [text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle. [text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night. [text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real. [text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling [text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One. [text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us [text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”… [text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba” [text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. [text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. [text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me [text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings. [text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug” [text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork. [text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine [text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there. [text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him [text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten [text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly. [text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter. [text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury [text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart. [text] When was the last time you wore pants? [text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation [text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast. [text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time [text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person. [text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going? [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today. [text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition? [text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila. [text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist? [text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special [text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention [text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin. [text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb [text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes [text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. [text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy [text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster [text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing. [text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on [text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant [text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie. [text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. [text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat [text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance? [text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out [text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game [text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire. [text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. [text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day. [text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship. [text] you traded sex for a burrito? [text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. [text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. [text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. [text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable. [text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest [text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box [text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. [text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka. [text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go [text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. [text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos” [text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you [text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style. [text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again. [text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs [text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. [text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year [text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. [text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex. [text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted [text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. [text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? [text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles. [text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy! [text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. [text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter. [text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok. [text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know. [text] Because when I say ‘You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, ‘I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’ [text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. [text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. [text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed [text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat. [text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone [text] never. drinking. again. [text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see. [text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night [text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now [text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction. [text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

texts from last night! meme

[dontcallmeclaudia]

im tired of all these askmemes being for otps tbh

so leave a brotp/platonic ship in my ask and i’ll tell you:

who steals french fries off the other’s plate

who jokingly moves in for the kiss when someone asks if they’re a couple

who has to bust or bail the other out of jail

who gives the other advice/comfort about dating issues

who shamelessly cheats at games by reaching over to cover the other’s eyes

who immediately calls dibs on the top bunk

who starts and who wins the pillow fights

who says “your pants would look better on their floor” to the other’s potential crush

[dontcallmeclaudia]

intelligentxhalfwit

                      “___just when I thought we’d have some peace and quite for once.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

outoftheabbyarea​ likes this

“Please don’t tell me that my one day off is ruined by an anomaly.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

andthenwegrillit likes this

                 “Of course you’d be here.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Send my muse one of the following: Wicked edition!

"She's dead!"

"Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil?"

"No one mourns the wicked."

"The wicked's lives are lonely."

"Are people born wicked?"

"The baby is unnaturally green!"

"Good news!"

"I'm limited."

"I've heard it said that people come into our lifetimes for a reason."

"But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you."

"I have been changed for good."

"It may well be that we will never meet again."

"So much of me is made of what I learned from you."

"I ask forgiveness."

"There's blame to share."

"Kill the witch!"

"I'll be heartless killing her!"

"Let his blood leave no stain."

"Let him never die."

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention?"

"All helpful urges should be circumvented."

"I'm wicked through and through."

"Kiss me too fiercely."

"As long as you're mine."

"Somehow I've fallen under your spell."

"I'll wake up my body and make up for lost time."

"It's just, for the first time I feel...wicked."

"Wishing only wounds the heart."

"I'm not that girl."

"I never asked for this or planned it in advance."

"What can I say? I got carried away."

"They called me wonderful."

"We believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it history."

"The most celebrated are the rehabilitated."

"Trust me-it's fun."

"I hear her soul is so unclean pure water can melt her."

"People are so empty-headed, they'll believe anything!"

"Why couldn't you have stayed calm for once?"

"I hope you're happy now."

"I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission."

"I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game."

"It's time to try defying gravity."

"I'm through accepting limits cause someone says they're so."

"Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost."

"Kiss me goodbye."

"I hope you're happy in the end."

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly."

"I am a sentimental man."

"He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl."

"Don't remember that rush of joy."

"Wishing only wounds the heart."

"You really don't have to do that..."

"You're gonna be popular!"

"Life's more painless for the brainless."

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Nonsexual acts of Intimacy - Select from the following for my muse to respond to...

♔ : Finding your muse wearing their clothes

♕: Holding hands

♖: Having their hair washed by your muse

♗: Your muse falling asleep with their head in my muse's lap.

♘: Cuddling in a blanket fort

♙: Sharing a bed

♚: Head scratches

♛: Sharing a dessert

♜: Shoulder rubs

♝: Reading a book together

♞: Caring for each other while ill (specify which party is which)

♟: Patching up a wound

♤: Taking a bath together

♧: Your muse playing with their hair

♡: Accidentally falling asleep together

♢: Forehead or cheek kisses

♠: Your muse adjusting their jewelry/neck tie/ etc.

♣: Back scratches

♥: Your muse crying about something

♦: Slow dancing

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Starter call

[dontcallmeclaudia]

STRANGE SENTENCE STARTERS —— for the creative writer in you. Send these in and see what your partner comes up with as a scenario!

*These are completely interchangeable, they’re just in categories to make it easier for all of y’all.

FOR AMIGOS;

“How many times are you going to do that, exactly?”

“You were right. As per usual.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the lines you’ve drawn until you’ve crossed them.”

“You’re surprised because you have a soft spot for hot blondes.”

“Is that – that’s a naked Scarlett Johansson on your fridge.”

“You can stay, but for no more than two nights.”

“Please don’t look in this drawer. Please.”

“I told you not to pick him up, he’s very sensitive.”

“Yes. I might have given you rabies. But in my defense, that’s ridiculous and I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, my cell phone data coverage does not cover the bullshit zone you’re in.”

“Hey! Give me your pants. Quick, give me your pants.”

“No, I’m serious. Stop it right now or I won’t give you the last cookie.”

“You think I’m kidding. But I’ve never been more serious about anything in my entire life.”

“How much would a stripper cost and why so much?”

“I’m going to buy you a drink. Next week. On Thursday. When I get paid. Can you swing this one?”

“Hippos are hungry, hungry! And you are considerably larger than a small piece of lettuce!”

“When I was little, I used to be afraid of mummies. And now look at me. I love dead people!”

“I don’t even miss my ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, I just miss my glockenspiel.”

“It happens to everyone, you just sell your skirt for some coke.”

“Please do not pull your pants down in front of baby Jesus.”

“That’s not the phrasing you want to use.”

“Because nothing says heterosexuality like a gold sash.”

“Please don’t take it out on my boobs.”

“When it gets really windy I look like a bizarre combination of Marilyn Monroe and Cousin It.”

“We have to change our names and run away to Mexico. It’s the only way. Adios.”

“How much money do you have on you?”

“Please tell me that’s a raisin and not a tiny hamster shit you’re eating.”

“Life is a lot better when you put things on your head.”

“For someone who’s not very deep, I’m incredibly not shallow.”

FOR LOVERS;

“I need you to remind me what it feels like to love you.”

“I love you. What? No I don’t. Forget I said anything.”

“I need you to tickle my feet but like, sexually.”

“If we got married, would I have to take your last name? Or could we just make up a new one?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“I heard you say his/her name in your sleep last night. Want to explain or should I just leave?”

“I want to spend the night with you tonight. But I also want to sleep on your side. And without you on the bed. So technically I just want your bed.”

“Please don’t be proposing to me in an empty parking lot.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry, you stupid fucking broken record. It’s done.”

“I’m not jealous, I’m curious. About the things you were doing. With him/her. Without me.”

“Your mother’s looks could kill. Actually, are you sure they haven’t before?”

“If you’re breaking up with me tonight, can I at least eat first?”

“Stop sweating. It’s not attractive during sex, and it’s not attractive now.”

“Are you – are you checking me out? In the line for the confessional?”

“We have to go. I might have told your mom I’m pregnant. I don’t know why I said that. I’m not.”

“So what you’re saying it that you’re snorting sugar to get excited for sex.”

“My dog licks better than you do.”

“But through every stupid thing you do and say – and those are a lot, by the way – I love you.”

“I don’t care if you’re growing another head. I’ll talk to both of them. I love you.”

“And I’d take fifty years of not talking to you for just a day of doing so. I promise that’s a compliment.”

“I don’t want to hide this anymore. I’m not some dirty little secret, you American Reject.”

“This is a bit too dramatic for my taste, so can we skip it and have sex instead?”

“I don’t want you to think of me as your personal sex toy.”

“Thanks and all, but that makes me feel like a low-class escort, so.”

“A kiss in exchange for every nice thing you say about me. Deal?”

“Promise me you’re not like him/her. I need to hear it from your mouth. Promise me.”

“Look, I’ve had my heart broken before. I’m not ready to let you in just yet. Anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me here. Anywhere else, okay, but not here.”

“I wish I could say that was the worst sex I ever had, but I’ve had worse.”

“I just blew you. Could you look a little happier about it?”

“I’m attracted to shiny things, so if it looks like I’m staring at your chest, it’s because I am.”

FOR TEXTERS;

[text] This is upsetting my poop.

[text] Hey, are you up? If you’re not, can you wake up? I need some help.

[text] So it involves feces and large birds.

[text] She said that to you? Why?

[text] Please come back. I miss you.

[text] What are you good for if you’re not gonna bring me ice cream?

[text] Can you ignore that last text? It wasn’t meant for you. I’m sorry.

[text] …did you just send me a nude?

[text] FUCK OFF YOU ONE-EYED WHORE.

[text] I don’t know why I said that.

[text] Leave it to you to fuck the simplest of requests up.

[text] Do we have to go to their wedding? He’s only my first cousin.

[text] How much does ‘I love you’ mean to you?

[text] I am not stalking you. But you should do something about your bathroom, it’s gross.

[text] Please. I need this so badly.

[text] I trust you completely.

[text] I’m a genius. You’re a peasant. Everything makes sense again.

[text] Hey, buddy! Got like, five hundred bucks I can borrow? Times ten.

[text] She lost it. She completely lost it. She said her uterus was attacking her bone marrow.

[text] I will not get you donuts.

[text] Please? I love you.

[text] I think I’m gonna go to sleep now, but you keep thinking that.

[text] I can’t say this out loud. They might be listening.

[text] I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think he’d duck when the ball came at him, I’m sorry.

[text] You’re cute.

[text] I just need you to understand how important you are to me.

[text] Fuck off.

[text] Okay. Guess we’ll leave it at that then.

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Jurassic World Sentence Starters.

“Your flight’s in two hours.”

“Did you feed the monster under your bed?”

“[Name], you’re not going off to war.“

“Remember. If something chases you – run.”

“Why do you have to say things like that?”

“Can he/she/they slow down?”

“No one’s impressed by a dinosaur anymore.”

“We want to be thrilled.”

“Don’t wander off.”

“Seven years…seven, but y’know, close.”

“You’re not coming with us?”

“Where did you get that?”

“The key to a happy life is to accept you are never actually in control.”

“You should spend a day at the beach, get some sun!”

“Oh, he/she/they’re just being dramatic.”

“I like her/his/their spirit.”

“Hey! Don’t give me that shit.”

“Damn, you got them eating out of your palm.”

“Extinct animals have no rights.”

“Do you hear yourself when you talk?”

“This is going to happen – with or without you.”

“You the new guy?”

“No, [name] is not having a bachelor/bachelorette party.”

“All his/her/their friends are animals.”

“You were supposed to call me when you landed.”

“Wait, are you crying?”

“What do they want now?”

“Do you want to consult here, or in my bungalow?”

“It’s a relationship. It’s based on mutual respect.”

“What kind of a diet doesn’t allow tequila?”

“What kind of a man shows up to a date in board shorts?”

“They’re dinosaurs. Wow enough.”

“Probably not a good idea.”

“Is it in the basement? Is there a downstairs? Maybe it’s in the rec room.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

“There’s a point where you have to grow up.”

“You’re going after it with non-lethals?”

“You are not in control here!”

“You have an M-134 in your armory; put it on a chopper, and smoke this thing!”

“What do you think’s going to happen with you just staring at them?”

“Who authorized you to do this?”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself.”

“Dude. Off-road.”

“It’s killing for sport.”

“I am not one of your damn animals!”

“You’ll last two minutes in there. Less in those ridiculous shoes.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just like taking a stroll through the woods. 65 million years ago.”

“I know who you are.”

“Then you know why I’m here.”

“The solution to your crisis is standing right in front of you.”

“Okay, boss. What’s your next move?”

“Where did you go? Why didn’t you come back?”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Can we stay with you?”

“Do not shoot my raptors. Please.”

“You’re looking at him, kid.”

“Hold hands.”

“Your boyfriend’s a badass.”

“Raptors got a new alpha.”

“It’s okay to lie to people when they’re scared!”

“I can’t wait to tell mom!”

“I’m afraid that’s above your pay grade.”

“Why did you have to make it personal?”

“Run!”

“We should probably stick together. For survival.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

I have done all my replies on this blog! Finally.

Unless I’ve missed anyone, in which case just send me a message.

[dontcallmeclaudia]

“If you don’t hear from me again, it has truly been a pleasure.“

“You’re not going to die in there, Captain Ryan.

                           You’re just their to make sure everyone else doesn’t do anything stupid to cause them to die.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

“Well, do try to figure out what went wrong.

                                We don’t really want this happening in the field when you try and use...  what ever this is.”

"What the hell do you think you’re doing?” //dontcallmeclaudia

“Truthfully? I’m not quiet sure what ‘appened.”

[dontcallmeclaudia]

Jenny had been sent out with the newest member of the team, something that quite surprised her as Lester tended to keep quite a close leash on her. But Jenny was impressed with how well the younger girl worked. They managed to contain the anomaly, and take care of the creature that had managed to escape.

                     “Well, if no creatures are still out of the anomaly, then we should be done. We just need to make sure there is someone heard to guard it.”

              dontcallmeclaudia;

          She sniffs in a somewhat BRUTISH manner, shifting her feet on the grass and kicking up the earth beneath her - aptly declared her ENEMY today. Heat; heat and pollen and promised itchy eyes and lots of sneezing - and it’s TODAY Lester wants her out of his hair and in the field. She reckons he’s planned it.

                     ‘ D’you think we’re almost done? I’m gettin’ all bunged up and stuff. ‘

[dontcallmeclaudia]

“I’m sorry.

                            I need to get away from this place. And leave everything to do with dinosaurs or Cutter or Claudia Brown behind. I can’t have you reminding me of that.”

“And nothing to do with your friends, either. You’re   just going to cut us out of your life, Jen?”