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Ominous positivity

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justin timberlake: dirty babe, see these shackles baby i’m your slave, i’ll let you whip me if i misbehave

9 year old me:

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.

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UHM.... SO....

IF YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO POST YOUR NSFW ART….

….yeah.

This is real.

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ryan lang shared some of his couples’ portrait concepts for felix and calhoun on twitter and i just gained an extra ten years on my life

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fruitsoftheape100 is a terrible unfunny garbage ripoff of ratemyreptile, so check it out if you don’t feel like laughing. monky boy work iT’s magic in Secret ways for U and Ur daily life, namaste.

i can certainly conjure up better stream-of-consciousness nonsense in my sleep, ja.

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OMG! 😂

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others: “so, how ~southern~ are you?”

me: “The entrance of my hometown has a shrimp boat sitting in the main street. At Christmas theres a shrimper Santa and alligators pulling him instead of reindeer.”

others: “what?!”

me:

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we’re going to have to call smut ‘lemons’ again, aren’t we? 

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everybody on this nightmare realm of a website: please. just do something about the app

staff:

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do people actually read books while in the bathtub

how do you not get everything wet

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i had the best human interaction of all time last night. i was sitting at a bar eating an appetizer and this guy comes up to order a drink and stares at my food and comments how good it looks. when i am drunk i use the word bitch like it is a comma, i plug it into any space in a sentence possible. so naturally the first thing i say to this stranger is, “go ahead and take one, bitch.”

he looks SO shocked and taken aback and goes “what did you just say? how do you know my name?” so i sit there for a moment trying to figure out what the fuck he is talking about, and then go, “…. bitch?” and he looks so relieved and tells me his name is mitch.

i cannot stop thinking about this. oh my god. imagine going into a bar and someone you know for a fact youve never met approaches you and says “go ahead and take one, mitch.” im cracking the fuck up. he looked like he thought this was the fucking truman show

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spoonfeed me my kid cuisine meal or i will say the f word