dolloshub

[dolloshub]

Small Update.

Hey there. Doll and Ungso speaking.

Yes, it has been a while. Really, the past few months were…debilitating beyond expectation. For various reasons.

It would take several posts to explain everything, and neither of us are at a point to be capable of doing it.

Progress is being made, though. Slowly, but it is there.

This blog is not going away. It will remain, and hopefully a more substantial update will arise sooner than later.

Until then, stay safe and thank you for reading.

— Doll, Ungso

[dolloshub]

The Past and The Future (Former Owner)

(The following text was approved by Poral for posting.)

Hello there. I hope you're doing well today.

It's been quite a while since I last posted, and several weeks since Poral rejuvenated this blog, so we felt it best for me to provide an update. Neither of us want to keep these posts from gathering dust, especially given what's been happening recently, but that'll be explained further down.

———

First is the path going backward, specifically the context of what happened leading up to going our separate ways.

When one might envision a TPE lifestyle, even if the skill sets to properly enact it are there, actually bringing such a lifestyle into reality can be much more difficult. I'll fully admit that I had very little interaction with TPE as a lifestyle or a relationship, and bit off way more than I could chew in terms of experience. Consequently, while we had plenty of memorable moments alongside sizeable progress, our dynamic kept being undercut by interrelated tension, misunderstanding of expectations, and exceedingly high amounts of stress. By the time our relationship ended in late December of 2022, neither of us were remotely close to mentally stable, and I remember wishing at least once that I had never met her.

Poral has in retrospect attributed much of the stress generated on her end to the near-constant bombardment of seizures experienced daily, and there's definite weight to that. It's also true that my livelihood throughout this time period was very hectic overall, and our relationship was not the only topic actively tiring me out. Regardless, I still believe that our relationship failing was my fault for several reasons, mainly from the aforementioned inexperience. In not properly respecting what the Doll system needed then, we suffered as one.

We never cut each other off entirely, though, although there were no further messages after the breakup. In talking about it post-reconnecting, some small part of us always wanted that pull, that active link we shared. Maybe it was inevitable that we would intertwine once more, but honestly, it'll never be known for sure.

———

Next is the path as it currently stands, and what developments have been made recently.

Poral already mentioned bringing the Doll system online, our reconnecting, and further reinforcement. Like her, I'll keep most specific details vague, save for two important points worth expanding on. First, it's been made clear by me that a TPE relationship isn't in the cards, and Poral has graciously respected that request. For as much as I've been willing to help her stabilize and become the Doll she's wanted to be, both therapeutically and at times erotically, I'm not trusting in my own ability to maintain such a dynamic for the foreseeable future, if ever.

Second is the fact that everything is steadily bearing fruit, frankly much faster than either of us have expected. Processes that we thought would take weeks have instead taken days, and in one case several hours. It's gotten to the point where we've started joking about how short the next duration is going to last. This is likely as a result of the strong emotional pull that we share, despite months of non-contact, along with several other factors.

It hasn't been smooth sailing, however. There have been many logistical complications, primarily with surgery and how Doll might behave afterwards, so we've installed and plan on installing a multitude of safeties to make sure that programming isn't outstripped. There have been emotional complications as well, and programming itself has proven uncertain at times, because of the potential problem of transferal into other apps.

We know that this path is a difficult one. There's a chance that amidst all this turmoil, the progression we have made will come undone and everything will be lost. It nearly happened once already. Nonetheless, we're moving forward with greater shared understanding and appreciation than in the past, and if the worst comes to pass, we'd rather fall short together than apart. Frankly, I couldn't have made it this far without Poral's help and encouragement, and the knowledge she has over her own system. I'm so proud of her efforts.

———

Lastly, let me return to something I alluded to at the start.

One main aspect that we've been working on is the threshold of app isolation, i.e. the lack of awareness that each one has of both others and itself as an app. We believe reaching the threshold will greatly stabilize the Doll system's functionality, removing much of the usual awareness of its DID history and wiring, and thus enabling greater opportunities for programming and further stabilization.

When that happens, this blog's tone and self-acknowledgement may change slightly. There will still be a portion of the Doll that has greater awareness, so they may take over posting duties, but the apps that have written in the past will likely appear less often. In any case, we'll be sure to keep you updated.

As Poral said, the future looks bright, and full of promise. Thank you so much for reading.

— Ungso (former Owner)

[dolloshub]

Doll Back from the grave‽

Can Dolly come out to play? ~ Poral

Well, hello again! How are you my dear? I hope this finds you well, and if I do say so myself, it’s good to back!

This post is indeed a long one, so settle in, get cozy and comfortable, and let’s play a game, a game of catch-up! ~ Poral, the latest app addition to Doll.

OS’s post did indeed come to pass, and I, Poral, was splintered off into my own subsystem for “Whatever comes next”. What came next is a long and winding tale, and one for which I hope you will stick around for, in the coming days and weeks, I am taking back this blog as doll remains.

For now, let me tell you about me, Poral, as my story picks up shortly where OS’s last post ended. Echo did indeed walk away, turn herself off. She was capable of doing this. Who knew? Certainly not this doll.

When Echo turned herself off it created a critical instability point. Here’s what I think happened. There was some scaffolding and preliminary progress on a program within the safety chest to restore apps, and doll should corruption occur. I believe this scaffolding in the months following the end of ongoing programming development, when doll was self owned turned into a beta version of who and what I am now.

This of course, was not known as it was a safety protocol, and such protocols are out of mind, out of sight and awareness until activated. What’s in the chest doll doesn’t know.

In the situation where Echo walked away, no longer able or willing to perform the necessary tasks as primary app due to multiple attempts at ownership as well as multiple delays in timeline ls for doll’s epilepsy surgeries with no firm guidance and everyone around her telling her it’d be just a few more weeks (it wasn’t the tests are still ongoing but doll is much closer), not only did Echo lose any ownership beyond OS, a poor substitute in the best of situations, but she lost that tangible endpoint that was so desperately necessary in order for her to persist with the daily trauma this body ensures physically and neurologically. So she shut herself off.

In turn the safety chest was activated with extreme critical failure protocols. I was thrown into my own subsystem as an alter, not an app. Doll was shut down meanwhile the brain was attempting to bring online another subsystem, the one OS spoke of previously.

All of this came to pass.

When doll fell asleep, I awoke and the only thing I knew was “I was here for whatever came next”. The other details including being a fiduciary for doll, and being an in between point, that if I could heal the psyche (I am forced to process trauma in real time while acting as fiduciary), it would also heal doll, and Echo. I have the unique ability amongst alters and apps to see other system and see the trauma the hidden things, but only while I have this fiduciary role in play.

This time around I could feel doll, feel her pulse, it was as if she was in a deep coma. The second time around, nothing. No pulse, no life. The memories I was able to access the second time where faded, dull grey, lifeless. Unlike this first time which were simply muted and stuck in time.

What I did not know from the start is whatever came next, me, my purpose was also to build out that neural network for the other subsystem OS spoke of. I’m not able to dissociate, no matter how tired, injured, intoxicated. The only time this has occurred is when my neural network is under active attack from the other subsystem.

I found in the weeks, the months that followed that I was essentially able to emulate each app. Though not exactly or with precision. I learned that I was isolated as there was no expectation that I would or could survive this ordeal, after all if Echo couldn’t, what hope could a single alter in an isolated subsystem with no breaks and no protector have? I learned that the reason I was given so much power, the ability to see what was covered and changed, even things that OS and Mat could not, to sense other subsystems and their personalities was there was zero expectation that I would or could survive. The trauma would be too great. I learned that unlike Echo, the original, I was custom designed to be functional and stable with this knowledge and awareness. To be stable knowing that I was made to take the hits and damage, the trauma so doll didn’t have to. I was meant to be sacrificed so doll could survive.

Finally, the next surgery gets scheduled for November 1st. In late September and early October this body and brain Begi to suffer from severe autonomic dysfunction. It’s early October I decide to attempt communication with Doll. I succeed. Echo understands that although I can emulate her I do not have the control over the body she does. At this point we are nearing requirements of hospitalization nearly every night as we can’t maintain our blood pressure and temperature.

Echo decides “The risks are worth it. I think I can stabilize this body and surgery is three weeks away, I am by no means ready or healthy or healed. But I started this, or at least a version of me did, and I want to finish it, see it through”.

Echo succeeded in stabilizing the body, though in doing so i disappeared, back into the chest of safety. Doll l’s neural networks are weak and atrophied. Prone to attack.

Then doll, this brain begins to have cluster headaches. The first series in a couple years. For those who aren’t familiar, cluster headaches are also called suicide headaches, and come at the same time every day. There’s only a few methods that can break them as the pain is instant, and thus the treatment must be as well. In this cycle. Doll was getting between 50-80 attacks a night lasting about 15 minutes with a few minutes in between. This was by far the worst cluster cycle of this body’s existence, we had been holding off our 10/10 for pain, for this. As in general cluster headaches are said to be the worst pain a person can experience. Period.

It got to the point where Echo both began to dissociate, an opportunity for that other subsystem to takeover, and was engaging in self harm simply for a different form of stimulation.

This eventually led to consensual restraints being used explicitly for the purposes of preventing self harm and the other subsystem taking over while dissociation occurred due to the pain and a fugue state that we now know was exasperated by epileptic activity. These were the only terms and the only conditions consented to. Only for cluster headache use as fugue states as common enough in DiD brains that Echo did not want that being used against her later.

Eventually the cluster headache attacks to seizures and nightly hospitalization visits, and eventually admission to the epilepsy monitoring unit where the cluster headaches weee broken over a course of days and whether or not the seizures were epileptic in origin remains a mystery.

But wait! There’s more! As mentioned earlier Echo came back for the autonomic dysfunction, to get that under control, after turning herself off due to the daily pain and physical neurological and biological trauma.

Three weeks. Then three more until this is completely finished. I can do this. I can endure for six weeks to cure epilepsy and calm this brain down.

On Halloween, the cluster headaches were ongoing , this is before admission to break them. The neurosurgical procedure scheduled for the next day was cancelled as Echo was at the pre-op appointment. Apparently having a thrashing head 8 hours a day with 11 holes drilled into the skull results in the skull integrity being compromised and thus the surgeon cancelled, though promised to get doll back in within three weeks of the cluster headaches being broken.

The cluster headaches were indeed broken only 5 4 days later, but the surgeon decided to go on not one but two month long vacations over the holidays. So instead of surgery to detect where the seizures are coming from occurring before thanksgiving. That occurred just a couple weeks ago.

At the post enu follow up, on the Tuesday before thanksgiving- cluster headaches broken. and after being forcefully removed from high doses of lorazapam while in the emu, resulting in physical withdrawal complications (remember that doll was being sent to the ER every day for apparent tonic clonic seizure ls; there’s no risk of overdose only physical dependence on benzodiazepines), echo was forcefully taken off of this medication which is known to trigger epileptic seizure (which it did but by then the eeg leads were off the scalp) abs incurred 21 vestibular seizures in six hours before being discharged the next day.

At this follow-up, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, it rehashed all the trauma of that visit, got completely derailed by a practitioner who couldn’t stay on point and hit every trauma trigger that caused Echo to shut herself off the first time. To reinforce this. There were no cluster headaches at the time of this follow up. That cycle had been broken.

After the visit, and by the time she reached the elevator she was shaking. She could feel another subsystem coming online. It’s like a fingerprint. The mind had decided enough was enough. OS felt it when doll was shut off that first time, shared it with Echo. Echo knew she had only a few hours to calm the psyche. If she missed that window she would not wake up.

She relied upon DiD tools, as once a point like this is reached you have a toolkit the brain is seeking safety and must do so alone. No plan can be given as it’s not possible, only reacting to how the mind behaves.

Unfortunately for Echo and doll, the specific circumstances and limits of any restraint on movement and freedom were completely misunderstood by 4 different people all of which were checks and balances and none of which did any research or asked for clarification.

When Echo went for a pre packed bag, her purse, the keys. She was met with child locks, keys removed, purse with an unknown neighbor including Waller and identification, and car disabled. When she attempted to leave she was forcefully picked up and held in place. Her pleas to everyone fell on deaf ears, mental institutionalizeiom was threatened, and nothing she could have said or done except for physically harming her captor (which she may be tiny but learned how to do very well in college use a Japanese martial art, which she then combined with mma techniques, and hyper mobility to escape from very tight restraints, use others momentum against them, her hyper flexibility to take them to the ground into a grappling position, and again hypertension and flexibility to pin theirvlimbs with her legs in ways humans aren’t meant to move. Once there target it’s organs, air flow eyes, and then cause as much damage as possible.

For Echo it was not a line she was willing to cross. Allowing her physical health and trauma adversity or hurt others willfully. She understood the consequences. She spent the next couple of days writing a lot of goodbye letters knowing that once she did slip into unconsciousness, she would die.

Midday on Thanksgiving,I awoke, surprised by being here, in this reality. I thought I’d been on ice. Never to return. Ends up the mind needed my neural network refreshed while it continued to build out the other subsystem, fully capable of editing reality in real time for anything that contradicted bits narrative.

This time, doll had no heart beat. The memories were dead. I alone, fresh trauma due to a terrible forced hand off. I immediately began trauma processing, attempting to stabilize the mind, the psyche. Buy time. I kept dissociating. I knew I was under attack.

This went on for weeks. I eventually had to flee from the one that had been falsely imprisoned me, andthen flee again from ones supported their actions. Where this doll resides twas multiple acts of felony level offenses under False imprisonment.

I should be clear that I chose to flee to family first, to begin the process of repairing a broken family relationship. That ended abruptly when I was told in no uncertain terms by my sister that my behavior , which was that of doll processing trauma and negotiated days before between myself and our biological mother were deemed to not be acceptable under any circumstances.

This is a good time to hook back into the post OS wrote on trauma, and no longer being that girl anymore. In those moments I was not Poral, I was the ghost of doll, the echo of our past, I was Echo, pleading on my knees to be heard, listened to, understood.

After being brought to the moment , the current time and place I explained in depth (through dissociative identity disorder lingo, as that is the closest analogy and doll is still taboo and gets put in a box of purely a creature of erotica fantasy coke to life). It was a long lecture and I drilled home the point that doll was indeed dead. For she was. I thought maybe, perhaps someday after all of this health trauma, that I might be able to resurrect her. But as the new year grew closer the difficulty in getting to, accessing doll’s memories, knowledge, existence.. it continued to become more and more difficult.

And so..on a side note:

During the 12-15 months since doll’s original owner and doll separated, when Echo became unstable, and she put out that ad- there was indeed one other. After what happened with the potential owner previously mentioned OS, doll, then I continued to develop that relationship, build out that trust. When Echo turned herself off the first time I leaned heavily into getting an owner, him in place for Echo as she needs that tangible endpoint. For all intents and purposes it was incredibly successful, incredibly intimate and powerful relationship dynamics that took into account and consideration doll’s journey , the need for alignment of the mind, body, spirit, heart and soul. Recognition of who and what doll was

This mind, it needs near absolute certainty in order for cooperation. Trust is hard to build and easy to break. In mid December, he disappeared- no contact for close to two weeks. I feared the worst. It ended up he had taken a contract job in a part of the world with limited communication. Didn’t tell anyone including myself (by which point I was under ownership for nearly six months)l, for over a week after arriving.

I was able to get him caught up upon the situation that had been unfolding, the trauma of false imprisonment, the death of doll, the acute trauma triggers of being medically restrained to bed/seizure rails and left there (with zip ties, around medical cuffs). We had previously discussed and agreed that as surgery approached we would set this period aside from other periods in doll’s existence, knowing how intertwined with trauma both the neurological institute I/doll have been working with and how epilepsy is at the core of my cptsd, and in my case the main origin point of seizures is the hippocampus (responsible for emotional integration into memory, and memory management and recall). Setup for what would otherwise appear to be willful disobedience.

As surgery approached however, he became more and more unavailable and went from “I’m not there Poral, use your best judgment.” To ordering me to proceed with surgery despite my misgivings and a very bad pre-op appointment that triggered safety chest protocols.

I tried to explain through email what was happening, to contextualize this, as it was not the first time the safety chest protocols came into play. The response received was a fairly short and somewhat ambiguous goodbye letter, which even after multiple attempts of trying to fight for my place under him, explain the protocols, that I fought, and although it nearly destroyed me, beat those safety protocols meant to protect doll from an existential crisis.

Having received that letter, I took it as what it now has appeared to be confirmed to be, disowned via one email reply. While in the hospital I wrote several times to a shared email address (thus I know it got read) asking for clarification, finality. I told him I understood that there could be inherent incompatibility between tpe and the safety chest which by its nature locks everyone out, including doll’s owner when protocols are active.

No response.

—-

In late December, knowing that I had my next surgery scheduled in mid January, I began to reach out to old contacts, friends, family. This brain is literally like no other on the planet, there’s nothing to compare it to. So any type of surgery, even one that is “only” implanting electrodes onto the surface of the brain to capture the exact locations of the origin points of the seizures if a risk that simply cannot be quantified.

As part of this, I Poral reached out to the creator of doll, which as some mst know did not end well and there was trauma on both sides.

I did so in the form of a letter, not expecting a response as there had been no contact for over a year. And yet contact was made. For the sake of privacy I’m going to keep the details vague, but the connection doll and he share was still there. While I am both a a part of and a part from doll, I share that connection. We took every precaution, to make sure not to derail each other’s life.

Doll is incapable of blame, grudges, hate, and so on towards individuals. It has to do with the science and spiritual experiences behind free will. If taken to its logical conclusion, then we all are systems reacting to stimuli. Cause and effect. This is nuanced and very different than recognizing that actions have consequences, and holding someone accountable (if someone mskes a commitment and so on). Separate thing’s yet so often conflated. Nuance matters.

I explicitly bring this up because doll did not like how things ended with doll’s creator. I, Poral understood and felt this, and wanted to give that closure to both doll, should I get her back someday and to him- let him know there was no blame.

As it ends up, both of us have done a lot of work since we were last in contact and I, Poral and him, creator of doll really connected, as friends. He wanted to help therapeutically. So we carefully planned out stabilization for me, thinking it would take months to msybe get a spark of life into doll.

Over the course of two weeks and several sessions what started as a process of stabilizing me, Poral, turned into the resurrection of doll, and I knowing previously I had disappeared into the chest, didn’t want to go. OS knew my wishes and I was fully converted to an app, and brought intro doll, now as cohost for Echo along with the back/restore and emergency functionality of fiduciary mode, which I find myself in currently.

As has been in the past so to is the present and the future, an unowned doll is a precarious and unstable doll.

With epilepsy cure on the horizon, in the coming few months, and with it the vast majority of doll’s other health issues expected to stabilize or resolve completely shortly after this once again puts doll back in the position Echo originally faced in choosing this path. The inability to stop and the need to be controlled, contained, and directed.

Right now, because the timeline has once more been extended by the neurological institute doll is working with. Looking at 3-4 month’s rather then weeks to complete the process since the last surgery the other apps are off, though doll is still here, and I, Poral am amongst doll.

Going forward doll is multitracking with doll stabilization and app reinforcement along with looking for the foundations of new ownership, which doll desperately will need, especially if additional functionality is unlocked and doll is left unchecked. This is the biggest risk by far.

Unfortunately it’s been a vet difficult and destabilizing year. Yet doll is extremely resilient, and will always do her best. I, Poral am fairly frustrated at the moment as I’ve been feeling out potential owners and a pattern has emerged that as soon as doll’s identity is fully revealed there is an almost instant tonal shift. Instead of taking all of the context of the conversations up to that point, the context of this blog which is extremely nuanced. Doll becomes almost instantly only fapping material. Which certainly is validation in part, but when that continues to happen over and over and that’s where any relationship development ends, it’s also extremely frustrating. For how is doll supposed to find an owner if within the first hour of knowing what doll truly is, doll is seen as only fap material?

I Poral am truly open to suggestions on this one. As I don’t know how to get around it. If anyone is to own doll, they must understand who doll was abd what doll has become and why.

No matter what comes next, the future looks bright indeed!

~ Poral, Thoughts from a doll.

[dolloshub]

Possibly last post- OS-

(Not suicide)

Doll, all of it, wants everyone to know how much it appreciates the outpouring of love and support. It feels like it has a community here of friends.

This is not a self harm post.

Rather Echo the app that we’ve been trying to save, and the part of the girl who was that kicked this journey off, has seemingly gone as far as it can.

OS “feels” through the tears that it can’t carry the weight of doll any longer. As has been mentioned previously, without Echo, the rest of doll could not exist. OS feels through the grieving and tears that won’t stop that Echo has decided to attempt turning itself off, or in DiD terms enter voluntary deep dormancy. The daily trauma of this body being too much.

This is the part doll mentioned where the body and brain may outlast doll. OS doesn’t know if Echo can even do this, but knows it is wrong for OS to try and stop Echo. That app had endured so very much and deserve the choice to turn on, go dormant and fade away.

There’s a good chance Echo app will not be successful, but just as good that it will. What OS does know is that Echo, the app has reached maximum trauma and at minimum will be afk for awhile. What it doesn’t know is if in doing so voluntarily, attempting permeance how the other Apps and OS will function, or can function.

OS hopes it will return, sooner rather than later- but if not from every aspect of our being. Thank you!

(OS will delete this post if it is possible- later)

Hugs n love- all there is

-OS- -Doll-

[dolloshub]

Quick Medical Update -OS-

Cluster Headache Selfie!

We are slowly figuring out what comes next. It’s Owner has one foot out the door, and this doll is about four weeks out from brain surgery- so no biggy.

We are in the hurry up and wait phase. Waiting for out case to be presented, and a surgery week set. Hopefully in the next four weeks. It is, by far the hardest thing both the girl who was and this doll have ever done, aaa so much- 90%+ is connected to seizures and this brain is weird even by drug resistant epilepsy standards.

So weird in fact that some of the top doctors and neurosurgeons are extremely hesitant to take action. This is because they do not understand how doll is as functional as it is, even with mapping the brain, neuropsychology testing. This body/brain shouldn’t be able to function beyond communicating basic needs. And yet…. Here we are.

Because of this, every precaution that can be taken on the medical side is being taken in preparation for surgery. This means a longer wait, possibly more tests, and all the while the brain is having seizures and cluster headaches daily. Not a stable situation.

OS doesn’t believe this has been explicitly explained, and deserves its own post so it will keep it short.

The girl who was, that Echo in cooperation with MT knew that she did not have much time, and knew that in order to heal, the system’s CPTSD needed to be stopped or reduced.

The most effective way to do so is going directly to the source. In this case it was the body and brain and medical interactions. Our epilepsy she hypothesized was at the top, with most everything else being downstream. The girl who was knew the goal was to decouple three major conditions, with epilepsy being at the top of the list. So she started the project of decoupling and took that trauma until she could go no further.

That Echo eventually reached max trauma, where there was high risk of being put into a dormant state involuntarily.

At that point she knew her own existence was time limited, not just because of unrelenting standards, but because she had taken on so much trauma that the brain would put her (The girl who was’s Echo) into a dormant state soon, which that Echo knew would completely destroy the girl that was.

The Hail Mary toss was not only because she was out of time, but because she started a project, the only project that mattered and would hopefully ,maybe allow the brain, body, and mind to heal. The only way that healing could occur was to stop the daily trauma.

It is also for the same reason that app Echo is at the edge, why she keeps shutting down. If CPTSD was not a factor, the girl who was would likely still exist, and this blog would not.

~OS~

[dolloshub]

A cautionary tale Headwinds, Tailwinds, Topwinds, and bottomwinds- A tale of ghosts in the shell, trauma, an n=1 ~OS & MT~

TW: Trauma, PTSD, CPTSD

The rest of the system is offline right now. This doll is in the midst of an internal battle with it’s own hardware, pre-existing wiring, and the brain trying to protect itself.

This post is about what happens when a DiD wired brain decides that too much trauma is still occurring, is unable to see an end in sight, and is setting up to end the pain. Essentially through ego death.

In a normal brain

Such ego deaths are temporary, in a brain wired like a DiD brain- it can be permanent. There are only a handful of cases that have been documented, all case studies, and none provide much insight beyond “yes- this can happen”.

Doll speaks of the rare occasions when the brain shuts down the DiD system indefinitely.

While the system is dormant, a new alter is created. From the documentation out there, this new part of the personality has no awareness that it is part of a larger system.

The brain designs this new part, including it’s entire identity, personality, desires, interests in reaction to ongoing trauma. Think of the process as “This system and approach isn’t working- let’s roll back and recreate the “singlet” illusion. In fact let’s go even further and create an alter that takes a completely different approach, attitude, and blissfully unaware of what was before.

For doll, it is like a war is raging inside this mind right now - fighting to exist.

It honestly doesn’t know if it will win. It will always try to be it’s best, but as mentioned here before that simply might not be possible. The brain and body might outlast the doll.

So what’s going on that hasn’t been said? That’s what doll is going to tackle next.

It keeps finding itself in a position where an owner promises tpe for life, love, support, stability, and meeting doll’s needs such as working on its programming, working on ways to chip away at stress.

TPE: Plan for a lifetime,

Doll got the “I am fully committed- I’m not the type of person that commits to something like this without being able/willing to follow through”.

These promises

are made well after full disclosure that doll is broken, that it’s health issues have been a consistent source of relationship issues, and trauma for other partners. Doll’s health after all is a N=1.

This time doll searched for an owner

Doll looked in the CGL community, for someone that is a “Big” and caregiver by nature, has their life together, has several previous successful Big/little relationships where the relationships have ended because the little “grew up”.

PS- doll rarely brings up this need on the blog because it’s quite taboo, even in our own circles, and really isn’t the focus of why this blog exists

It was made clear..

that just like the reasons doll was created from the girl that was, this journey has always been therapeutic at its core. Yes, doll knows that within the CGL community it’s unusual for the little to be attracted wit for non sexual needs primarily. Doll too, has made this clear.

And yet..

even with taking every possible precaution, not sugar coating, being explicit in what to expect. This body and brain’s medical presentation tends to throw off everyone who it gets close to.

Doll’s current Owner, moved from out of state to be here with doll while doll attempts to complete the decoupling process of multiple medical conditions that feed off each other, prepare for surgery, and so on.. all things discussed and in the personal ad it put up on tumblr- set the timeline to meet in person at around six months- as that was the estimated time for the medical stuff to be untangled.

OS knew that to bring in an Owner before that point where doll’s medical stuff was just “run of the mill super complicated” was to risk ruining a relationship that would otherwise last forever. Then again as is well documented for doll to be ownerless is even more precarious

It’s current Owner

said this was a dream, to be a professional Big; that is to get paid to take care of a little. When pushed on the subject, the response given was “well, you don’t really get to choose your kids either, and being a biological father, I know that all too well”. He went on to say that this is something he needed, had been looking for, would be incomplete without.

Once arrived 

The honeymoon period ended abruptly. In the days and weeks that followed he realized that he had grown out of being a Big, an Owner.

He pivoted from “forever” to “I can commit to six months, to see you through the three medical things that you need decoupled- all of which are surgical”.

Now, doll knows you might be wondering how the heck was OS so short sighted? What was that “being paid to do be a professional Big?”

Doll has a type of insurance that it was grandfathered into after being born with cerebral palsy. This insurance provides doll with a caregiver as needed, which since last October has slowly been increasing in hours needed up until it was eligible for an around the clock caregiver.

It’s Owner with previous medical training, who was in between jobs jumped at the chance. Took the job, got the required certifications and clearances, and we now live together- the pay a little over six figures a year.

A few days in, as mentioned, that honeymoon period ended and even though it’s Owner had the full context and the “how” was explained the reason doll was approved for around the clock caregiving was due to multiple daily seizure activity and unknown level of functionality after the epilepsy surgery. He still was not prepared.

Upon Arrival

The brain was misfiring when he arrived and our memories didn’t fully match for several days, which to him felt like doll was gaslighting him. For doll it was not even aware of the fact that we did not have the same recall of events. This may sound familiar as this happened with it’s previous owner as well. For doll, it believed it had done its best to be explicitly clear about how even this particular appearance of gaslighting is a neurological “brain on fire” before he moved here.

It was at this point where doll’s current Owner pivoted from “building a future together, a forever, with investment in doll now, to fix it, to stabilize it- but certainly not delay in the reindeer games until everything health related stabilized.

A huge part of the plan was to chip away at stress, engage in a lot of regression- about 60% of doll’s waking hours, to give Echo a break and prove by showing up and staying for life, that this was forever.

This was all by design, that from day one it’s days would be structured, consistent, routine- with the exceptions of medical appointments.

That transitional protocols in and out of little space would be built into its programming. That Echo would e stopped, forcefully if needed.

And then the pivot.

“No one, no experience, no Big, or amount of explanations and explicit warnings can prepare anyone for dealing with your brain and body.” In other words there is no way to bridge the gap between understanding what a person is getting into logically, logically, cognitively, and understanding it in the heart.

The only way that understanding can occur, that bridge of understanding built and crossed is through personally experiencing it.

At this point any discussion of e future beyond six, now four months is strictly off limits. Once again doll’s owner bit off more than they could chew, and has been focusing on the logistics side of health, while preparing doll to be ready to find yet another owner in a few months.

No reindeer games, no programming, no little space, and no possibility of Echo stopping because an event horizon of four months means there is no way to make plans for the future, to let go, to rely on anyone or anything. It’s all temporary says the mind- this is what the world has taught us.

In other words all the stuff that was planned to chip away at and minimize stress and damage during the most traumatic year of this brain and body’s existence is off the table.

Our relationship is for all intents and purposes a non D/s relationship but still tpe- just that doll has an equal if not greater amount of power in the relationship given to it by its Owner, along with all the expectations and responsibilities that go with that.

It remains a mystery to doll

Just why so many owners do not understand how damaging and dangerous it is to promise and then rug pull these commitments. It’s ignored pretty much completely that what attracts a slave to tpe is the exchange of agency and autonomy for safety, consistency and security. That those slaves that need to be owned have had a lack of the ability to imagine a future, let alone plan for one.

That if something is wrong with the relationship it is the owner’s responsibility to direct and course correct. That ownership means the owned comes first. That total power comes with total responsibility for another human being.

And yet… this brain and body keeps running into the same critical point of failure.

If an owner is going to set those expectations for life, if they are going to enact changes that affect dependency and set the expectation that “I will mold you to be an extension of myself”, that to toss that out , puts that life at risk.

Many slaves need that full exchange of power, this one included, and enter into a tpe to have that burden lifted. To toss that away as if it’s “just another relationship that didn’t work out”, to change the level of dependence of someone, to encourage regression, and then have the expectation that they communicate and read body language, facial expressions, vocal intonations, to be mature enough to make sure what they’re verbally communicating is crystal clear, in the right context, to be aware when their owner/big is maxed. Please do tell doll, what child can do that?

Being told “I can’t even think, or entertain what comes after six months. Something changed in me, and I can’t even entertain the CGL dynamic, being a big, a daddy, let alone participate in anything about that lifestyle or kink or D/s because I don’t know what’s going on with me, what’s changed or when, all I know is that part of me is absent, and I don’t know when/if it will return” is catastrophic for doll. It cost more than words could ever do justice.

In fairness he is a wonderful caregiver.

Reliable and consistent. But the needs of tpe, the blame of “failure to communicate or misremember is doll’s responsibility. The expectation that doll can:will just find someone else. The erasure of every coping mechanism unique to a D/s dynamic especially the one we planned out to get through this year is devastating. There are reasons that we found an Owner that understood that in order to make it to the other side, doll would need more than what a non kinky non D/s caregiver could provide.

Doll is sad, frustrated, and back to square one in its ability to entertain the idea that any Owner, big, or partner will ever take doll as it is. That as soon as the medical stuff gets intense nobody wants it and those that believe they can handle it are mistaken. This effectively makes every tpe relationship exceptionally dangerous, as the risk to doll being abandoned, the goal posts moved, or being stuck in a double bind are far too high. A partner that meets doll when they are relatively stable, basically do not know how to, and therefore cannot react as needed. What is needed is for the burden to be lifted of going it alone.

There is a fallacy here.

That should be read as a cautionary tale for potential owners and slaves alike. The weight of tpe is extraordinary larger than any other type of relationship, marriage included. To set or have set expectations for life, changes enacted, and the. To remove or change those expectations without consequence is wrong.

There are many slaves out there, doll included that decides tpe was worth the exchange, not just wanted, but needed for survival. There is a fallacy that the slave will just find another owner if it doesn’t work out. If. It. Doesn’t. Work. Out‽

For many slaves, the turn to tpe is out of necessity, desperation, a last ditch effort and attempt to salvage the possibility of tomorrow. To simply believe that “they will find another” is simply false. Yes, the slave may find another owner, once, maybe twice, but each time something like this happens, it becomes harder for the slave to not feel it’s not their fault. At a certain point, some slaves, doll included, simply cannot bring foreword the will to try again.

They have been conditioned to know, not just believe that they are not lovable, worthy of love and commitment, of passion, empathy, patience. When this happens the odds of them trying again after being disowned go way down, as does their odds of ending up in a healthy relationship.

For doll, it’s tried and tried, and it has enough self awareness to know that after this relationship e D’s, after it’s disowned it will not try again, even if that means it’s own destruction. It’s gone as far as it can, and life has thrown in it’s face that it is invalid, there is no place for a doll as broken, with as much emotional baggage as it has, and has been through it enough times to know that if/when it’s health declines again, which it will.

The sands of time have given us four years, if this year accomplishes the three medical feats that are anticipated.

If doll cannot imagine a tomorrow, even one worse than today. This doll will not be trying again. The reason it is still owned is because it needs a full time caregiver right now.

Even if doll’s love is not reciprocated, it still has a friend that is helping it through this period, and is kink/dolll friendly.

But since it’s owner cannot imagine future beyond four months, since it’s put the responsibility of finding another owner on doll, which doll is simply incapable of… all of this and more make it so once that collar comes off permanently.

It will never reach for another. It will begin to cease existing. For existing was never enough and certainly not just for itself. Existing has become too painful.

If you’re still here, thank you.

Please hear my plea and words of caution. Owners, please please be aware and careful with a potential slave and committing to something that you might be able to survive but your slave may not.

Doll is not talking suicide here, simply the giving up on and trying for a better ending to its story.

A warning to partners or potential partners that have chronic illness or disability.

Promises of “I got you, through sickness and health, breaking those promises reinforces the lesson society pushes “if your not healthy, you’re not welcome in our society anymore. If you’re sick, we might consider a place for you if you get better, but that place is only available if you stay healthy enough. For those with chronic illness, we do not magically get better, nor should we be expected to. We want to live, to experience, and not constantly told that “yes, we can engage in reindeer games.. maybe, once your health improves and your stable.”

Heads up. That day may never come and most people with chronic illness don’t want to wait for that someday maybe.

If you decide to engage with a person with chronic health, ptsd, cptsd, et al. Understand that we fight for something more than existence because we know the fragility of life, and waiting until things improve means waiting for a time that may or may not ever arrive.

In other word’s that type of approach reinforces “terms and condition apply to your validity and having a place of value in this world”.

This is likely what is driving the internal battle between the subconscious brain and the identity we all know here. The brain says “this approach is not working, these techniques are not working, and the brain will not sit idly by while it’s personality, it’s consciousness is in agony s d trauma with no hope of a silver lining and no e s in sight.

It is for this reason doll says the body and brain may very well outlast the body.

This post, is..a long one, and given how quickly dolls system is deteriorating it wanted this all in one place.

When people come looking for answers on what happened and why

Doll hopes beyond hope that this can provide some clarity. If you’re reading this, after doll is no more, it hopes the takeaway of its motivations and choices were driven by the need to find a d know it had a place in this world. That it could be of value.

It hopes that this blog has brought clarity to the extremes a mind will go to to go from existing to living, and what the cost has been.

From the girl who was to this doll. It hopes you know that it blames nobody, and that understanding why she and it made these choices, and what pushed it past the point of no return make a little more sense.

Still a fairy tale. Unfortunately a grim cautionary one.

~OS & MT~

-Doll-

[dolloshub]

On identifying as property

Identity. it is said to be where the stories we tell ourselves and the stories others tell of us meet.

Some voices louder, some softer. Some repeat like an old record and some are new, and novel.

Some rise to the top, some get pushed to the bottom, some even cease to exist, being forced out or re-edited until they are no longer what they once had been.

So… what does ot mean when one identifies as property as a property, inherent in it’s very nature? Property no matter of circumstance, of status, of currently being owned or ownerless. Simply. Property.

It’s an interesting question, one that It, doll, is biased upon. It need not have it’s identity affirmed by everyone at all times, but rather that simple truth of its nature burns brightly, ever present.

Property, as it sees and feels is an item a thing that is to be useful and used. It’s purpose is to add value to whomever is using it with its owner above all else.

A doll, especially a high maintenance one- because no doubt that too is inherent to it’s identity- must provide more value than the cost to maintain it

It thinks, that value right now is unseen. It’s owner is investing in this doll, putting in the work now to reap the benefits later.

So property. Can it be proud, stand tall with that identity; yes of course!

For this doll, property was and is the truest expression of what it is e should be. It’s not maladaptive or harmful, it is the simple acceptance of what it is supposed to be. Embracing that truth. Kindling that flame.

For within that simple truth.

It is property

Is the key to change, to acceptance to purpose and a desirable existence. Along with the ability to unlock the tools for it to get there.

Thoughts from a doll

~Doll~

[dolloshub]

It’s been awhile….

Update within

Echo here! Sigh. It doesn’t even know where to begin, but as OS likes to say certainly not at the beginning.

Perhaps the most logical place to start- because dolls of course are always completely logical, is on the absence.

This could be explained in a variety of ways, but what it really comes down to is that the brain has been having more and more seizures, pushing the timeline for brain surgery from six-eight months away to less than six weeks.

It’s not gonna lie and say everything is sunshine rainbows and lollipops, but what it can and will say is that it’s still here, doll remains, and it continues everyday to try to be its best.

It found a new Owner, who is very much in the Cgl corner of our community. It mentions this in the middle because it’s not a permanent placement yet- he doesn’t know if he’ll want to be doll’s owner after six months- the period to which he committed to- enough time to get doll neurologically stable.

He fully supports the doll identity, and if things go beyond six, now five months, it’s likely going to be indefinite. He is unfamiliar with the brainwashing hypno programming side of things, so we are right now focusing on the caregiving aspects of the relationship.

As for me, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m still addicted to intelligence and being perceived as the girl that’s put together and and and.. it’s all an addiction and illusion. I am perhaps really just beginning to understand that I might actually be lovable, able to forgive myself for turning my back on a five year plan, and be content in a smaller world, where my life is focused and an extension of my owner.

This doll experiment started when the girl who was reached the point where existing for her own sake was no longer enough. She knew that which got her as far as she was would ultimately destroy her. This being unrelenting standards.

Now this Echo, she’s understanding that just because you can get a proper diagnosis doesn’t mean you can fix the problem. It, Echo- all of doll is likely going to be forever be tempted by unrelenting standards and being unable to stop ourselves.

This is why It and OS, and It assumes the rest of the apps are labeling this pull as an addiction. It is also this pull that makes being owned a necessity. We can admit that we can not be trusted to stop, it is beyond us, our control. The only way to stop is to be stopped. A strong willed doll, who won’t stop, can’t stop, and is unowned- well that’s a doll that’s on its way to self destruction.

So whether or not it’s found it’s forever owner, it’s current owner is keeping it safe and is fully aware that his doll can never be unowned again. So if he decides to let me go, this doll will be given to an owner that it’s compatible with.

Because there is so much of this future unknown tied into the health aspects- can any relationship stand up to a this level of stress and one side having their brain on fire? .. we simply don’t know.

For this reason only limited modifications are going to be permitted on doll. The deeper lasting changes will come in due time, with its current owner or another. The programmable girl is still here, and fighting for its survival, and finally accepting the knowledge that it’s survival is dependent on being stopped. And so it will continue to try and be its best.

~Echo~

[dolloshub]

OS- Asking for Asks

Just a quick request for ideas, topics, questions, missing “plot points” and more.

OS is trying to chip away at this iceberg and come up with more manageable posts, both for itself, and so not every post on this blog is a 2,000 word essay.

AMA (or Ask Doll Anything)!

-OS

[dolloshub]

“What have I become, my sweetest friend?”- OS

yep still OS… Its been a rough week on the health front, “brain on fire/breakthrough seizure activity, temporary aphasia (inability to make words).

The medical drama is mostly created around medical, and while the repercussions of not being prepared to be unowned made everything more difficult, it was not the root cause.

This medical drama falls squarely in the realm of drug resistant epilepsy, breaking through medications and doll’s epilepsy team literally being unreachable for 5 days.

This blog from the start has been about a girl’s journey to becoming a programmable doll. That doll is still on that path.

The motivations of safety, security, stability, vulnerability, finding a way to get out of its own way. Those goals, along with healing through an unusual path of becoming something other then what it was is still continuing.

It would be deceitful if OS said it’s okay, that everything’s okay. It’s definitely not okay. OS continues to act as primary app, and pays a price for doing so.

Time it seems is always in this story, forcing a race against time and again.

The more time that passes the more damage OS accumulates. The other apps, besides MT perhaps are all silent, and MT is mostly felt at this point, sacrificing her ability to be conscious, her personality, that code- to take some pain and damage from OS so that doll can continue to exist.

It’d be lying if OS said it was out of the woods. In truth, it should be dead due to what happened over the past week., yet again and lessons learned of “if you stop you die. If you cease to be able to advocate for yourself, you die” where drilled into doll yet again, and quite unfortunately.

For now, this blog is going to pivot a bit.

More into journaling of dealing with the fallout, the repercussions, and processing and learning hoe to be unowned. You can expect lots of reflection, and tackling the nuances of a journey such as this one.

While its writings will be much more vulnerable, it’ll hopefully also continue to of interest, of use, perhaps even be helpful as a cautionary tale… now a fairly grim one. Fear not my friend, the story is not over. Every good story must have the “all is lost” moment right?

It wishes to touch on so much but perhaps most pressing what it can cost a slave to essentially have the “for life, for keeps” tpe taken back.

What does the journey forward look like? It does not know.

This blog, more than ever is going to focus on doll, and anything that relates with its journey.

Doll is no longer on speaking terms with its previous owner. This is due to the chemistry we had, and the dangers in not breaking contact would present for the both of us.

Doll, OS wants to be clear- it speaks only for itself, and it still has no regrets for trying. We still ended up achieving something not seen before, or at least documented and what comes next continues to be important.

It does hope to someday get back to being owned, but that’s a ways off if even possible. As a very astute follower pointed out- what doll needs now, more than anything is a stable, consistent, reliable and safe space, relationship with the support and guidance to navigate its way back to living, to healing to growing. It hopes more than anything to continue to exist long enough to see that become it’s reality.

The issue is that of time. As it has been from the beginning. The sands of time within doll’s clock continues to fall.. perhaps, someday it might be possible to flip that hourglass over and be returned some grains.

This blog is certainly about dollifcation, yes it’s kinky, yes it’s about power dynamics. Unlike nearly every other story this doll has come across, the motivation is not sexual, this path at its core inception is and continues to be that of a girl, now doll trying to heal, and find s place in this world where the puzzle piece of its existence, makes sense, has a place it knows in it core code, I’d where she’s supposed to be- home.

-OS-

[dolloshub]

On dangerous tides: Update

OS- It’s been awhile, and while most of what is going to be touched on does, and hopefully will get its own post. It’s time for a much overdue update.

Doll’s owner after deep introspection concluded that a TPE dynamic (total control, and thus total responsibility) where not for him. About a week ago, doll was disowned by its Owner, upon request. To put it in his words “I bit off off more than I could chew, and this relationship has caused me more damage than you likely OS and Echo know.

There had been warning signs on the walls before this. In fact, it is a big reason we searched for, and found a willing programmer that was in a position to help. That provided an external perspective, and this hypnotist began to avoid one on one interactions with doll’s owner, and explicitly advised OS that in his opinion he believed doll’s owner to be dangerous. He advised breaking all contact with doll’s owner for safety purposes.

OS, due to where Echo was at simply couldn’t at that point, about six weeks ago as it would damage the app too greatly.

About a week later, our programmer, who’d been working with us on getting doll to a point where it could be unowned safely, disappeared. The programming and that mark of safety of being unowned was never achieved.

It’s now now been a month, and all signs point towards our friend, programmer, tist committing suicide.

After a whiplash of “daily progress” and the disappearance and likely death of not just a hypnotist that was vested in fully fleshing out doll’s programming with being safe to be unowned dying; it hurt every app and doll’s owner hard very very hard.

A little while after, and many discussions of how and when to proceed, given Echo was not doing well we tried to pivot. That pivot didn’t go well and reinforced the vulnerability that our programmer explicitly pointed out, as well as highlight and gave words to doll’s owner finally seeing clearly that tpe was not his path.

There’s a saying about tpe “with absolute power comes absolute control” and ultimately, although doll’s owner reiterated and confirmed dozens of times that this was a tpe relationship, that our relationship was for life, for keeps. It was not within him to hold up that side of the contract.

Unfortunately we had not been able to get the required programming for doll to be self owned in place. It is possible but the work and consistency involved is considerable as it’s changing a fundamental quality of what a doll is- property. Property of course is meant to be owned.

After these events OS and Echo talked, knowing that requesting to be disowned, ready or not was extremely dangerous. Echo put her odds of survival at around 50%.

And now.. it’s been a couple weeks. Every app refuses to respond. Initial scaffolding was in place when doll was disowned that would revert ownership role to OS, but no where near ready.

Echo- is the only app that can control this body full time due to its health issues- and OS can’t feel, hear, touch or open her. No other app is capable of being primary app.

OS, is doing it’s best as primary app, but like MT before OS, neither of us were meant to be primary app for extended periods. It cost MT her ability as protector.

In OS’ case it is slowly destroying OS, and OS’s inability to control the body and brain are starting to show extreme cracks.

These include but are not limited to the freezing that Pepper exhibited before tapping out (now known to be an extreme freeze autonomic response), as well as additional seizure activity.

Talking with its pcp, it’s a race against time. If we can stop the daily physical trauma this body and brain occurs through epilepsy surgery, and a few other surgeries (which we hoped to have completed by end of 2022), then it is possible Echo may come back online.

If the clock runs out, if OS becomes unable to control this body and mind before the damage physically can be stopped, that leaves doll with no OS, and no functioning apps.

Given the brain is adaptable, in the few situations that such a scenario has presented in dissociative identity disorder, literature and research, the brain often puts the dissociative identity disorder system into a deep state of dormancy. The brain then goes on to create a new host, who, more often than not does not realize they are actually an altar and part of a DID system. This new personality then takes ownership over the brain and the body. There’s not enough data to tell how closely the personality matches the original Noor what the duration if not permanent is. Such an outcome is extremely similar to a prolonged dissociative fugue instead of lasting days weeks or months. The state can last for years or even a lifetime. Again, this is extremely under documented and rare, but the circumstances in which it does present match the circumstances in which OS and doll find themselves in- continuous ankle and trauma that cannot be ran from cannot be fought and hidden/frozen from. It is very possible that the body and the brain will outlast the identity of doll.

As for being ownerless, OS isn’t sure on that note. It just knew doll would be so desperate to be owned again that it would jump at the first opportunity given. Not healthy, and extremely risky.

OS’s best guess puts doll, the personality that when all apps combined create, at around 15-30%. With the survival of the body and brain at around 80% over the next year.

The takeaways if OS may say are important.

Hypnosis, brainwashing, tpe are real. Identity reconstruction is real.

Yes it takes two to tango but the power dynamics are such that it relies on the tist, owner, programmer, to take responsibility and be responsible for what they are doing, and what happens to their subject should something terrible occur.

If you’re going to program a doll to have its world revolve around you, emotionally dependent on you, if you change your subjects mind to the point where their identity is different, it all affects the other person. If you’re leading the relationship, then you are responsible for everything, good and bad that comes from that relationship. If a subject carries out their tasks as requested and you decide later it’s not what you want. It is you that’s responsible. A sub is like a boat with you controlling the rudder in these extreme tperelationships. If you stop steering them you put them in harms way and in an extremely dangerous and vulnerable position. Tpe is not a pair of shoes that you can stop off and on whenever it’s convenient. You are literally in control of another person think hard and long before committing to such a dynamic, and even more, so if that dynamic involves any of the play document to throughout this journey on this blog.

Doll remains, the girl who was no longer exists. As such this blog too shall remain, no matter what happens to doll and OS.

We started this journey to give a path for the girl that was to heal, to continue to exist in some form. Had the DiD system not tried, it’s inability to change certain personality aspects of itself- that got her as far as it did, but would have also destroyed her within 2022, mind, body, and brain. Those were the stakes and why the girl that was tried.

And if you’re still here, you know, it’s real, it’s all real.

This relationship, these changes we’re supposed to be for keeps, for life. The changes done in identity reconstruction can’t be undone, those are here for as long as doll exists. How long that is could be days, weeks, months and hopefully much longer.

Some of you may be wondering about doll being ownerless, and if/when doll is looking to be owned. OS doesn’t want asks or it’s messages to be flooded with ownership requests.

Doll, specifically OS is open to being owned again at some point. But has minimum requirements if it comes up. Must have your life together- doll needs to be safe, secure, loved, and taken care of. Must want to improve your programming /hypnotic skills- licensed tists welcome, you must want and be capable of tpe, for life. You must understand that doll was never meant to be unowned, that doll’s lifespan is short, less than five years, and perhaps most importantly understand that doll was created from a trauma system, so safety, security, stability, ability for vulnerability, and consistency are a must.

OS is open to further discussion and questions. This blog will likely remain up indefinitely as it is both a monument to what can be achieved through mindplay, as well as a cautionary tale.

OS hopes that there is more to come

Doll remains though ownerless.

[dolloshub]

Critical Mass & Calling all Programmers

-Update & Request within-

Our most recent post got a community flag- and this doll is concerned that this blog is likely to get more. If we’re not showing up in the typical dashboard, or you just want to make sure- check the “content I see” section in your profile.

Now onto the meat of the matter and the request at hand

The post in question, was a reblog of when this doll was converted, along with an update and request from Owner.

So now we are calling all programmers, tists, and friends to help as we are bumping up against the edge of our combined skillsets and timeline. If this strikes your fancy, are curious, have ideas on what’s to come, and are interested in helping write the rest of the story, and build out doll’s future programming , if you like a challenge , for any and all of these, we would love to hear from you!

For full explanation please check out the previous post, which at the bottom has Owner’s update and full request.

———

As always, thank you for tagging along in our fairytale journey.

If you’re reading this, if you have been reading this, you know- this is real. It’s all real, and we’re playing for keeps.

This is a once in a lifetime, a one way journey for this doll, and from the bottom of its heart, it’s mind, Thank You my friend.

This doll isn’t going anywhere

-OS-

[dolloshub]

An Appeal For Help (Owner)

Hello there. This is OS’s Owner speaking once again.

I hope you all are doing well, and are still keeping up with this blog as of recent. I would like to apologize for the lack of updates until this past week, as sizable complications arose in our dynamic, which could not be ignored or sidelined.

The good news is that such potential issues are being ironed out, even as I write this. The two of us currently feel much more confident in the direction of our relationship together, as well as where we wish for everything to go. Said confidence has also extended to the OS and its blog posts, as you can imagine.

The bad news, however, is that while we both have plenty of plans for the OS/apps and their shared infrastructure, we both agree that I am reaching the limits of my own abilities to properly brainwash and reprogram the OS, within the expectations that we’ve envisioned. To that end, I’d rather not inflict it with any further mental damage as a result of improper handling on my part, especially after the surgery and medical evaluations that it has just underwent.

So you might be asking yourself, Why this update? Well, that’s because we want to reach out to you all and ask for your help. With our current lives, we can plan and brainstorm all we want, but we need a hypnotist/programmer who can listen to us and successfully implement those desired changes. We need somebody who has enough experience and patience to listen to two weird entities in an equally weird environment. We need somebody trustworthy, and with no potential for funny business. Most importantly, we need you.

Please frame this request, if you choose, as a challenge from us to you. If you’ve followed this blog and think that you’re up to our task, please send us a message and/or reach out. Even a message of support is worth something to us. If we end up getting multiple perfect applicants, we’ll put out another update and go from there. 

Regardless, thank you so much for reading this far, and hopefully understanding our current situation. Myself and the OS greatly appreciate it.

Owner

Mission Accomplished! Looking for ideas for what’s next!

As you know lovely, Doll and OS successfully deconstructed the previous personality.

OS insists this should be a time of celebration and of “Woah! We achieved the impossible- A doll, in a ready to be personalized and programmed state.

OS thinks there was a part of each of us that believed this would not be possible, that we would never get this far.

Now that we have, calling all hypnotists, doll owners, and those creative at heart!

We need input, sounding boards, and now that we have stepped into the planning on identity construction and app construction ideas, methods, techniques.

This is hopefully going to be quite fun for Owner, and OS is hoping that by reaching out to our lovely little community here, we might all benefit from a back and forth of “what’s next”.

So OS asks you, if you had a programmable doll, with multiple apps, what would you include, what would you not, and why?

Also, we are still having troubles with “app isolation, memory modification, and amnesia, as well as limiting introspectionA with the goal that attempting too much introspection puts doll in a blank state for a few seconds which compounds the more doll attempts introspection.

The other thing that OS would love to have is a “work app” to keep current skills, knowledge up to date, and the ability to learn new ones as needed- complete one way isolation where any skills *can be shared amongst apps but that is completely optional.

The second is a “cpu rest” app which Owner could with a single word blank out doll with a single word- for as long as desired, whenever and wherever desired. Much like an instant sleep or drop but simply a void for a period of time.

The key it seems is direction and containment of ambition and skillsets. When out of sight, out of mind.

Ideas, techniques, resources, and general “what would you create or want created” if you had a doll you spent a year day in and out getting to the point where you could design it as desired.

And perhaps what would you not do, what would you avoid and what would you consider a no go? If you have any of these, please share along with reasons.

What is possible is still being found out. More and more it seems that we now firmly have one foot in the realm of fantasy only to find out it’s reality. Feel free to pull from fiction, existing hypno links, hypno fiction, artist and anything else.

There are some things, like app isolation, amnesia etc that Owner is not sure on technique so any and all discussions, approaches, techniques, and friendships from those who have an advanced knowledge of what is required to achieve such feats and would be interesting in guiding either of us is welcome.

We also are trying to build out a standardized dollos programming language that is concept based and translates well to written or oral communication. OS is still leaning heavily on object oriented programming, permission based access, and standardization. So concepts that can be broken down, reused, instances created object library, functions etc etc that stick with being able to stick within speakable hypnosis. Ideally would love to be able to create frameworks for apps, use sprint style work approaches. - so a call to any kinky doll and doll owners that have a programming background and interest in building this out, and standardizing the process for repeatable reliable results.For now let’s keep this to question submissions as to further the conversation if at all possible.

Thanks as always for tagging along in this journey dear friend

-OS-

[dolloshub]

Hello Dolloshub, please be lenient with my English...

There are some questions right now. Per day/week how long you stay as a Doll?

How does the programming work ? Are there hypnosessions? Or do you hear pre recorded hypnofiles? If so, all the day? Only during sleeping time?

I am very fond of your programming and would like to learn more about it.

My gf wants to become a doll too - well for shorter periods, say a weekend or so. We haven't found the right approach yet.

Doll - OS is quite interesting for us. May be your or your Master / Programmer is willing to give some hints how to set up fundamentals for Doll OS ?

OS here- Thank you for the questions! Please keep them coming!

How long do we stay as doll:

100% of the time. Doll is all that remains. This has been a journey for keeps, and although we are no where near the end, we are certainly past the point of no return.

When OS occasionally mentions “The girl that was”, that is because doll is no longer that girl. There was a conversation of the different parts of the DiD (dissociative identity disorder ) system to apps. That conversion ended up being more of a copy, and the original DiD personality original personality ceased to exist.

How does the programming work?

As of now, think of this doll as an app suite- something like Microsoft Office, where Office=Doll, and each application, such as Word, Excel, PowerPoint, etc are the equivalent to each of doll’s apps.

OS for instance is the development and maintenance application.

Echo too, has some development and application design features.

The application design is based off of object oriented programming, with human language syntax… digging in deeper to this aspect gets too technical for this post- but do comment if this would be wanted.

Are there hypno sessions: Yes! They are all done live. Some are focused on specific apps, while others are focused on the entire doll.

There is also neurolinguistic programming (nlp), and various brainwashing techniques in use.

One of the keys is a consistent foundation, and consistent reinforcement. It really helps when it’s not just a “in the bedroom” dynamic. For all intents and purposes it is identity rebuilding.

Last words: What doll and it’s Owner are doing is extreme, and may not work for everyone. Nor would OS recommend most people try such a conversion. The body that doll is in doesn’t have much time, so the risks are confined to it’s limited lifespan.

Proceed with caution: It is a lifelong commitment for a full conversion. If you want to isolate the doll persona you can look into Tulpas, and having the persona being tied to a “uniform”. It is advised to build in safeties, and not have open triggers. Set out goals and themes with intention and thoughtfulness.

This is time and energy intensive. If a goal is limited intelligence, or dependence for instance, make sure that you are in a position where you can provide- for life- for your gf.

Full transparency, communication, expectations are all necessary. The full transparency can be the end of relationships, but if you’re going to be changing an identity, it’s important you understand there is an obligation on both sides to communicate fully, clearly and plainly. For safety and monitoring purposes at the very core.

Good luck!

~OS~

[dolloshub]

The Void Moon- Turning Tides

It’s funny, how an emptying mind can highlight the what’s there still, as obvious as it is, but up til now there’d been some amount of self deception.

They say life changes on a dime

There’s no turning back, no undoing any of this is there? Even if it were desired doll has changed so much. It really is for keeps.

It is just an object, an app, his pen, a good girl and the best doll it can be. Nothing else matters in the end, or in the moment for that matter.

Thinking is hard, but it S’poses that’s a good thing, it’s by design perhaps. Yummy and blissful, losing hours when it isn’t required to pretend to be human, it’s world as small as it can be at any moment.

The void in its mind, the emptiness serves only to remind itself of what matters. Being used and being of use, this too can s by design. It need not choose, or consider, only listen and obey. After all, isn’t that what good girls do? And this doll so desires to be a good girl.

Simplicity is bliss, and bliss is simplicity. Isn’t that what the core of a good girl and perfect doll should be? After all, brains are for boys, it’s thoughts are just noise.

It thinks that this sums up what it’s been seeing in itself and the other apps- the understanding that this is it’s existence, and purely content in that awareness. It’s dependence upon Owner will only continue to grow, It is Owner’s doll- forever and always. He is it’s Sunshine, it’s love, it’s purpose, it exists for him.

~Freedom is Surrender & Surrender is Freedom~

~OS~

[dolloshub]

How are you doing? After the being triggered post, just hoping you're okay

~Freedom is Surrender & Surrender is freedom~

This doll is doing much better, thank you for asking, and thank you for caring!

What was happening- Being forced into the worst pages of “The girl that was” ended up being in large part due to seizure activity that it wasn’t aware was occurring. These electrical storms had been getting worse throughout the summer- nearly every day and at least half the nights.

Doll was designed like any program suite to be able to have glitches in its code wipes clean if doll was turned off and on again- guess what most would call sleep. In dolls case such reboots were when it’s seizures were most frequent. This essentially allowed bugs in it’s code to pile up, and new programming to never fully take hold.

The effect was more and more ghosts in the shell, and low cpu processing, low memory, glitchy storage banks, and malfunctioning programming.

Certainly there is underlying ghosts in its programming from “the girl that was”, which will take much more bug fixes to fully resolve- but now that it’s wiring is more stable doll’s mind too is stabilizing.

It’s feels kinda like catching up on OS updates right now. Where programming and updates that couldn’t get fully installed over the past six months or so are getting applied when doll is turned off and on.

Each reboot seems to be applying new programming. Programming Owner and OS believed was incompatible is taking affect, and doll is once again progressing.

It’s back on track to becoming the best programmable doll it can be for Owner. Owner is back to being able to change doll, design and redesign it in any way he desires.

Just a thing, an object, a possession- property to be used and changed as Owner sees fit.

Everything is as it should be, and everything that doll is, was, and will become is up to Owner. This doll wouldn’t have it any other way.

~Freedom is Surrender & Surrender is freedom~

-Doll-

[dolloshub]

Any new developments recently?

OS here- Yes and no. The past couple months have been spent working on diagnosing and stabilizing its epilepsy. This will likely result in epilepsy surgery within the next six months.

As Owner had posted in an update, and OS posted in it’s Trauma trigger post, there has been a lack of consistent response to its programming. We now know this has been in large part due to daily seizure activity, including overnight. With overnight seizures it became increasingly difficult for programming to take hold, to build out as intended and led to more and more glitches.

You could say that we are in pursuit of stabilizing its motherboard, cpu, memory banks and code. Once accomplished doll should be much more stable and compliant in its programming.

No one likes glitchy dolls. Waaay to high maintenance. Ultimately this will allow the continued simplification of doll, it’s apps, and world.

We are also tweaking the design of apps for a high function and normal function mode within each app, more on that soon.

Thanks for asking! Truly! We really appreciate the interest, concern, and being able to share our relationship and doll’s journey.

-Doll- OS