dogphoric

[dogphoric]

haircut in 11 hours hooray

[dogphoric]

going through the worst wave of dysphoria that i’ve probably ever felt and i need to tell someone about it even if that someone is just the void. so i made this blog for now

this dysphoria has been causing me unexplainable distress. it feels like it came from nowhere, all at once. it has overwhelmed me and i wasn’t ready for it. i don’t like the mirror right now. i don’t really want to do anything except lay under my blankets. i can’t focus and everything feels so slow. i think about it when i’m driving, when i’m sitting somewhere, constantly.

i think it started at a new job i’ve had in the last few months. it’s not the job at all, i love it. but i interact with a lot of people, and all of those people look at me and see a girl. they say ma’am so cheerfully. i move on, and i thought it wasn’t bothering me much until now. as if i’m having a delayed reaction. i don’t want to be a ma’am.

i don’t like being a person right now. i feel like i’m a person in a way that i don’t want to be. the person that i think i am and that i see myself as, is not the same one that other people see. i can’t stand the difference right now.

my hair is too long. my voice is too high. i’m too anxious. i don’t wear the right clothes. i wonder if my glasses are the right frames. i want to fix all of this by going to sleep and when i wake up, it’ll have happened like magic. but it takes more effort and time than that

i could have started testosterone years ago. i was talking to a doctor about it, one that i was referred to. we did bloodwork and everything. but i stopped making appointments, because i got scared. what if i lose my hair? how will my voice change? what about the awkward phase? how will people react? things would be so different. i wasn’t ready, and i regret that now. i wish i would’ve had more faith in it

i don’t know if i expect anyone to see this, or respond to it. i don’t think i’m really looking for advice, i know what i need to figure out, i just need to go through it. i just wanted to put words in a place that i can see them, because maybe someone, even myself, reading my thoughts will help me understand. maybe it’ll make it easier to think again

i hope things change soon. i want to be seen for what i am - a guy, a man. i don’t know how to get the results as well as i’d like. and i’m still scared. but i want 2025 to be the year that things go better, now that it’s hit me like this