docbatchoii

[docbatchoii]

ten years ago you were so scared of such different things, but you survived them anyway. the same goes for five years ago and two years ago. everything that has ever felt like a hurdle, you’ve passed through. so be afraid, identify your fears, and then allow yourself to remember that in just a little while, this will be another thing that you have overcome.

[docbatchoii]

Feeling lost in a sea of regrets and unspoken words, drowning in the weight of procrastination turned habit. Once soaring at the top, now plummeted to the lowest depths of the class. Promises made but dreams left unfulfilled, surrounded by distractions, endlessly seeking motivation but blind to what truly matters. Battling anxiety, anger, and guilt, each heartbeat a painful reminder of the palpitations of despair. Depression looms larger with each passing day, self-pity creeping in as thoughts collide in a chaotic symphony. Unsure of what path to take, grappling with decisions and priorities, burdened by debts both financial and emotional.

Caught in the grip of a liquid's embrace, its effects clouding cognition and dulling the senses. Love, once a beacon, now a source of irritation, yet not entirely lost. Concealing irritation behind a facade, a silent scream for help echoing in the void. Praying for divine intervention in this maelstrom of madness, pleading for strength to rise above this known phase of life. With each passing moment, strength wanes, the will to carry on fading. Please, grant me the resilience to endure once more, to emerge from this darkness stronger than before.So many thoughts clinging.

Crying without tears falling. Dying inside while breathing. May the best comes and let this phase pass. Even simple picture of chest's inside has too findings. Just like my brain strangulating with sea of thoughts. The wind is bleaking. Waves are crashing. Flying but drowning. Where should i go. What should I do. What is the best next move. I am lost. I am now lost with sea of thoughts. Living now in a life of once a dream. Made promises that are not yet fulfilled. Its like you put yourself in a pit, where other thinks it makes you high and might but in reality, your just a follower of fatigue and slavery. Why do you need to make yourself tired when you can just be happy and alive?

[docbatchoii]

Catherine's battle

Have you ever considered returning to your former life? like you're going to swing with the trees and plants in the direction of the winds? Ever consider what may have happened if you stayed inside your containment? When you were not afraid of everything. No expectation to achieve nor self-fulfillment to fulfill. Where you're in a place of serenity. Just free from everything as if you're a child which the only problem that will made you insane was when you don't want to fall asleep. The time that nothing can hinder when you're groggy and wants to rest. Just like Catherine flores now. She is fighting hard just not to fall asleep. She is fighting for the sake of minute amount of money to take home (well welcome to the philippines where healthcare system dont want to meet ends of their employee). She is fighting hard.

[docbatchoii]

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮 Im not a girl, not yet a woman. 𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮  I can still recall the time when she sang this song. It was her birthday, the day she treated us in Max’s with Gerwin. She sang the song with feeling completely and sincerely devoted.  Unfeigned but with slight hesitation. She really love celebrating, or that’s only for show. Pretentious! Hahaha but I’m still wondering how this pure soul (opposite of me obviously hahaha) became my friend. I can feel the annoyance whenever I’m with her. Truth be told, she didn’t like me 100%  hahahahaha. But this in-the-middle- of- being-a-woman (hahaha) has too many secrets, she’s not really flawless at all. Dami ko kayang alam na ginagawa nitong kagaguhan. HAHAHAHA.  SHE IS NOT IMMACULATE! IM TELLING YOU! Hahahahahahaha But I love this pretentious bitch and I highly valued her. I admire her will power to overcome what bad things happening around her coterie. Honestly speaking, im missing the time when she’s opening her bad days. After bora, I felt the tension building up so I tried not to disturb them, or siguro busy lang sya or gusto nya lang tumahimik, namimiss ko yung kwentuhan. ooppppss! stop sa negats.  It’s her birthday today!! I’m not really fond of greetings but for important people, I’m much willing to do it without dither. I hope bad event from last year happen in reverse this year and be one of the best in her future days to come. To the first person I’ve practiced my first blood extraction, may you have the Happiest birthday!!

[docbatchoii]

Kumusta po

Helllo.

[docbatchoii]

Nakakasawa na makipag meet tapos wala na. 

[docbatchoii]

11/13/22

Did I really want to pursue medicine? This is the question keeps popping in my mind. Gusto ko ba talaga? Para sakin ba talaga? Kaya ko ba?  Right now im in sb trying to study but my mind is cluttered by distractions and leisure ideas. I have exam tom and need to read tons of topics in pharma. I need help to focus. 

[docbatchoii]

We have a choice to be okay in every situation. We can pretend that we are okay until it becomes a reality.

[docbatchoii]

This video is just a compilation of everything we did. :) Enjoy reading! Better listen to “ako naman muna” habang ang babasa kayo. Sinulat ko habang nakikinig e hahaha  Capturing every moment of the Mindoro-Bora was the best decision I’ve ever made during the trip. According to my psychology class, there are 3 main forms of memory, The sensory, Short-term and Long-term memory and definitely the bora trip will turn into a core long term memory and it took a lot of memory literally on my phone hahaha There are realizations happened during the expedition. Some were bad and most are good.  A lot of things broke my heart but bora helped me fixed my vision, specially to friendship. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkulang. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay mabigyan ng liwanag ang nasa paligid ko. Naging manhid ako sa mga bagay na importante para sa ibang tao. Lalo na sa mga taong nag papahalaga sa akin.  Minsan ko ng maisip na lumayo na lang at manahimik, yup! Tama ang nasa isip mo. Ang magpakamatay pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kaya. How about those people na maiiwan ko.  Sabi ko nga sa isang blog ko. “Taking a space from everything can make you feel at ease and peaceful, but how about the feelings of the people you suddenly left behind. Are they okay? Do they miss you when you chose quickly to left the reality? We will never know. “ “You can’t be a dead fish in this universe. You should fight the current.’’ Yan mismo ang mga katagang iniisip ko tuwing ako ay nanghihina. But you are not a fish, tao ka. May mga kaibigan ka na handang tumulong sayo despite of everything you’ve caused them. Not financially but emotionally. Madami akong naririnig na kaibigan nila ako and because of that, it is hard to believe most of them. I’m used to be friends by many but best friend by few. Only one person held me back to be emotionally attach to other people, and that person passed away years ago. The promised we said to each other really put me in a cage. Kinulong nya ako sa bagong mundo. Kinulong nya ang puso ko na maging bukas sa ibang tao. But im thankful how things end. Because of those promises, it made me be “me” right now and thought how to be mindful about other’s motives towards you. 2 broken beautiful souls have emerged from somewhere in different part of the country. One from Nueva Ecija and the other was from Mindoro. Both of them also carrying baggage from unknown by me.  We’ve met somewhere in manila, in a boarding house not afar from my previous school, TIP. We’ve known each other from a long time na, don’t know the exact date though but I think it was 11 years. Those 2 broken pieces from reality are my friends. O edi mag sama sama kaming mga may dinadala. HAha. Yeah, they are my friends which I thought from before na “panandalian lang”. The other one has feelings for me na akala ko mawawala din after many years apart. Not knowing na im  one of the biggest part of his life. Malay ko ba, maloko ako e. And yung isa naman is my favorite rant-er. Kahit rant sya ng rant di ako naiirita and no judgement na lumalabas sa isip ko. Ewan ko ba, music to my ears na ata para sakin yung mga rants nya. hahahhaha  I have never paid much attention to them before, na I have somehow regret now. Who would have thought na those 2 person is magiging big part ng life ko diba. Sorry na. Kung mababasa nyo to baka mainis pa kayo lalo. Hahahahaha. Pero ayun na nga, we’ve been to places, like nueva ecija  and in that place finally, nasabi ko na BESTFRIENDS ko sila. Word na matagal kong pinilit na hindi banggitin. Pinilit kong i-reserve sa isang tao. Hiding my feelings is my tool to sanity but words will reveal everything no matter how long the duration is. Wayback, Im aware naman na those 2 people ay kaibigan ko and being in denial  has caused too much confusion for them. Nasaktan ko sila kahit na ang gusto ko lang ay maging masaya sa mga mata nila. I thought giving them the mask of happiness will make them at ease whenever they are talking to me. Pero too much hiding can let the soft-hearted people  feel much worse. Those people na mababa ang loob are the strongest, most caring and madaling makaramdam ng pagsisinungaling. Matagal ko silang ti-nake for granted and I wanted na bumawi. I don’t know where and when to start. Nag-open sila ng nararamdaman nila sakin and I cant say “SORRY” in front of them. Hindi ko mabanggit. I just made my poker face, “the smile, the laught” pero sa totoo lang, I was hurt na despite of everything na gusto ko silang makitang masaya ako sa mata nila, mas nasaktan ko pa. And I didn’t know what to do, napakamanhid ko before sa kanila. Ang sama kong tao. I fully understood them naman from before pero hindi ko magawang mag open sa kanila ng nararamdaman ko, maybe because im used to this and naging defense mechanism ko na lang in difficult situations. My strength is also my kryptonite. Opening them my feelings and secrets really put me at ease. Di ko matandaan yung restaurant na mahal, pero minahal ko dahil sa mga kaganapan. Ang mahal talaga di naman masarap. Hahaha Gusto kong bumawi sa kanila. I hope I can make things in line. I hope my oras pa. BJ x ME X GE

[docbatchoii]

Had many relationships but just few are real. 

[docbatchoii]

Love doesnt actually requires short distance. That puppy love might be the one true love. 

[docbatchoii]

Regret

The moment you pulled back from happiness, you are already lost in the game. Dont let the regret from the past takes over you again. You had your chance, dont let it go to waste. Live your life. Dont test your limit and dont let you chance fade. 

For japs

[docbatchoii]

Just a sudden feeling

Taking a space from everything can make you feel at ease and peaceful, but how about the feelings of the people you suddenly left behind. Are they okay? Do they missed you when you chose quickly to left the reality? We will never know. or maybe they are tired about your rants and whereabouts and got tired of all your other shit.

Unconsciously, there are people has-has your back. I got lucky, to have friends like bebu and bebi. Though I haven't seen them in a person but I felt that they have seen through me before, and they don't hesitate to tell my mistakes (or its just me, to feel that way haha). Yes, at times I'm getting intimidated or pressured because they are doing their part as a good student, that I have seen in my past "me". Maybe I am getting jealous of how they are so motivated and making the right task on time, their life seems on the right track.

I am so stupid. I had to get hurt from the fact that its my own life I am wasting. I'm too focused on how to get back on track and pay my bills before I realize to take a step. I needed to make a step, to make progress. I'm so stupid. I know there are things you won't realize until you go through stuff like this. There are feelings that you won't know until you hit rock bottom. Even if you deny the beauty in life, once you get to see the dark side, you'll miss the beauty and want it back. Pain needs care. Darkness needs the sun to stand out. We can't leave any of them out. Everything has a meaning. Making mistakes, stumbling on, will all be worth it in the end. Just keep telling yourself that, and I know that it'll help you grow.

I wanted to make a change for myself... To make that happen. It's a bit embarrassing to think back on it now. But... it wasn't a waste at all.

The feeling of having someone is really amazing, even if it is just virtual... for now.

[docbatchoii]

Am I happy? With everything that is happening, I am constantly asking if I am happy. I rarely laugh whenever I am with Lex and we are not talking much about our life. I am used to a relationship that are full of lively conversations, chikas and green jokes. But with Lex, we rarely talk about nonsense things that should be talking with your partner. I missed the feeling of lively conversation even with the most nonsense topic.  …. Until our monthsary happened last April 21, 2022. We had sex, laugh a lot, and forgot about the cross we are carrying. We loved each other so much.  

Before the happy moment, I was thinking about leaving him, because it is sort of tiring to have a relationship with a serious partner. He is so nakakairita on how he acts like he should be the Alpha. He is like forcing somebody to have respect for him. For all I know, Respect should be given to those people who are deserving. Despite all those negative comments about him, he cares a lot, he is cute, childish sometimes, I can’t even understand him at all – but I like it. He is loyal and knew how  to sort out his priorities but he doesn’t listen! He doesn’t listen at all.  He is telling me that I don’t listen and tries to understand the situations, but he is not seeing his self, Lex is the one who is not listening. The only best decision is those what he thinks. Maybe because his eyes were open to the real world at an early age however his decision are careless sometimes. I love to cuddle with him. He is so soft and cuddly like a cat and whenever we are in bed, sometimes he will stare at me. I am pretending not to notice those times, but I can feel the love.  I love him. I love him so much. Back to the question, Am I happy? My answer is Yes and No😊

[docbatchoii]

Define self clownery. -_-

It’s been a while since I have a written here in Tumblr. Two months has been a roller coaster for me. I made a minute progress about my studies. Well, I haven’t paying attention to it, so the outcome is expected. Pathology is an easy subject for me, and my laziness always taking over. My grades are not okay, but I think I can manage to pass. As of now, my relationship is not good. Lex and I aren’t talking. It has been 5 days since our last conversation. He is busy and so do I. It’s kind of sad when I think about my relationship with Lex. There is no fun part literally and when we are together, he always keeps on using cellphone. We barely have time for each other and it’s driving me crazy.

He made a move for his life, he separated from his relatives, and he moved on. Making his life on his own but Lex always complains on how busy he is that his problem is much not greater than anyone. He always thinks of his feelings and how sad his life is going. When he has done a small physical work, he complains, which I think is not reasonable given that we are in the twenties. We are not immunocompromised. Fck! I hate when he tells me how tired he is over some small physical work! Of course, when I confront him regarding that, bunch of reasons is going to spot out of his mouth. Ughhh!!

We are not even having sex anymore. Mind you, my love language is physical touch. I disregard that for him. Pero Putang ina. Kailangan ko ng sex. BUT SINCE IT IS NOVEMBER, LETS APPLY NO NUT NOVEMBER. HAHAAHAHAHA  Anyways, let not dwell about Lex, I am not worthy for lex, In his mind.  Shet! Me!? Daryl Gallardo is not worthy over some guy who doesn’t have an eye for me? I hate to admit, it but for what I see, I am starting to unlove him.

My body and mind are not reacting the way I wanted to. It is because of sleep deprivation, of course. I am a working student with a 1 hour travel time to work and is studying medicine. I love how my life is going. Ponkan is there for me whenever I need sleep naman. HAHAHA Thanks, Ponky! About my financial stability, it is not good! My money is in lending. I hope they pay before the year ends. Shet ang hirap maningil. Its November 2, yey! Christmas is coming. I love Christmas! Gift giving is the best! I am excited to see the faces of my family when I give them the small gift. I love my family so much. They are the best. Hehehe they have spoiled me. Lol. All in all, for the past months, I have been busy with academics and work, I didn’t had time to rest for 8 hours straight. BUT I LOVE HOW MY LIFE IS GOING! I just hope that Tita Emma will continue support me in my acads. So that’s it! See you next week!

[docbatchoii]

Bibi, happy monthsary!

I bought this blueberry cheesecake because I want to share some sweetness with you, literally.

I want us to celebrate our monthsary, not in a fancy or unlimited food restaurant this time. I just want to eat food with you while watching drama movie or action for us to have a bond. Bond that we are lacking due to my busyness and your kataramaran minsan. Hahaha

You have no idea how sorry I am for the times i choose to be on duty than to be with you. Naka schedule na kasi yun e, ang hirap din mag papalit ng schedule kasi we lack manpower. 😭

You cant measure how lucky you are to be with me. Char! Hahaha yeah im lucky to have you, my childhood crush. NOONG PAYAT KA PA! hahahahahahaha

But now kasi I'M SO INLOVE WITH YOU. And i will choose you over and over. My love for you is unconditional and i changed for you. Appreciate that! Hahahaha char. Please hug me or kiss me naman kapag bagong dating ako. I feel welcomed and loved kapag ganun. Simple things makes my heart filled with joy, so do it.

Ayun, I love you and Thank you for the wonderful adventure we are making. Happy monthsary, Mhal. ❤

[docbatchoii]

When you can't see the person with you in the future, leave him. He might be your bestfriend, thats it, just bestfriend.