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When we were about halfway through the editorial process on this article a different writer that I'd worked with on-and-off for the past three years took her own life. I didn't know her too closely, but I still have her number in my phone and we had some inside jokes and even had a couple of stalled projects that I had been putting off finishing because other stuff kept coming up. For a while I kept thinking about how maybe if I had checked in with her more often or something she wouldn't have made this mistake.

Which is silly because I was just a tiny part of her life and I can't possibly know what my impact would've been and I can't make this my responsibility, I'm not God, I'm not even particularly strong, I don't control the world and can only barely keep my own life together. But it's also not silly because I know that suicide is usually a split-second decision, and that the difference between a successful and failed suicide can be a fraction of a millimeter, and that people who do survive (like "Jessica," who wrote this article with me) immediately regret their decision and realize they've wanted to live all along. Then they recover and go on to have wonderful lives. Tiny things at the right moment can change your life forever.

I'm really happy with this article and I hope that somewhere out there it'll be a tiny part of someone's life. The suicide hotline number is at the end of the article but it's also right here: 1-800-273-8255

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Millennials Will Never Be Adults Until They Do These 12 Things

1. Remember to respect your elders. Always.

2. Turn signals! For god’s sake, kids, the freeway isn’t a line-dance, you don’t just swing around willy-nilly.

2. Learn Your Parents’ Names.

3. Their true names -- not just “mom” and “dad” or “Laura” and “Robert,” but the secret names they keep in their heart.

4. Learn to sign documents without reading them first. Like these ones. Sign these documents.

5. Follow me into this tunnel.

6. Learn to ignore weird humming sounds. Humming sounds are a natural part of growing older. Accept that they are normal and pointing them out is both rude and weird.

7. Lay in this chair and close your eyes.

8. You’ll feel a slight prick on the inside of your elbow. Ignore it, I’m just taking a blood sample.

9. Rap is not music. I cannot stress this enough. Real music requires musical instruments, not just “sampling” or whatever you kids call it.

10. One day you’ll get old. Some of you will realize that your chance to change the world is gone, and hate yourself for how few chances you took and the pitiful legacy you’ll leave. You’ll see younger people around you making the same mistakes and hate them for not being born with the wisdom you’ve earned only through years of hard work and learning. But instead of imparting that wisdom to them, you’ll get angry at them for being braver than you and exploring the world with a freshness and enthusiasm that you can’t feel anymore.

11. The humming isn’t getting louder. That’s your imagination.

12. Give me your life essence. I must eat it.

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Good lord.

1-star yelp review of laguardia airport

written using a predictive text interface

source: all 1-star yelp reviews of laguardia airport

transcript:

Keep reading

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14 Meals You Don’t Want to Eat

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I have a very fond memory of being about 13 years old and discussing politics with a friend of mine. He was raised in a Republican family and I was from a Democrat family, and we both felt allegiance to our parents views but couldn’t articulate them yet. It took several days of discussing, going home to research, discussing some more, talking to our parents, and arguing. 

I remember this immense feeling of relief and satisfaction when we figured out the root of our disagreement: he felt that a small central government, affording more personal liberties, was extremely important to a healthy society. I placed more value on social services, like healthcare and schools. Neither of us disagreed with what the other one wanted, we just disagreed on how to get there. These conversations, and the ensuing revelation, has colored my understanding of politics and debate all through my adult life.

Anyway, today there’s a big controversy over Hillary Clinton pointing out that a big chunk of Trump’s supporters are constantly screaming ethnic slurs. Trump, the nominee of the “small government” party, wants to use his presidential powers to build a 2,000 mile wall along our southern border and deport Muslims. I cannot, off the top of my head, remember anything that Hillary Clinton has been vocal about that I strongly agree with -- I’m planning on voting for her because her speeches aren’t interchangeable with Dr. Doom’s dialogue balloons from any given Fantastic Four comic.

I knew the world was different from how I saw it as a kid. I didn’t realize it was so much dumber.

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Follow your dream

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Play-testing No Man's Sky

Me: Hey, an NPC!

NPC: Hello! I'm Gerald, and I own the sky!

Me: WTF.

Developer [into a radio]: We gotta delay the release.

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This guy Tweeted a link and you won’t BELIEVE what happened next!!!

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We’re really going down the social media rabbit hole here.

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Dr. Jones,

Are you taunting me with these submission? I can’t help but feel that every single piece of feedback I’ve given you is being thrown in my face in your latest submission, titled “I Met A Thousand-Year-Old Knight And Drank From Jesus’ Wine Glass And Fucked A Hot Nazi Spy.”

For example, the first third of your article features no academic research whatsoever. It’s merely an anecdote from your childhood (in which you are outwitted by “a guy who looked just like me, except his scar was on his cheek instead of his chin”), adventures on the high seas, and your desperation to escape the “tedious trappings of academic work.”

Perhaps the most frustrating thing is your description of an “idiotic flood” of students confronting you outside your office and demanding that you grade their papers. Particularly because it is your only story to date to feature meticulous sourcing and research. Did you think I was unaware of the 127 ungraded undergraduate papers that you included in your submission? I was not. And how exactly do you expect to grade them now that they are on my desk, Dr. Jones? Do you expect me to do that? I shall not! I’d suggest you have your teacher’s assistant do it, but you already got him killed in a bar in fucking Shanghai.

Why Indiana Jones Never Published His Research

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Sorry, FineBros. I patented “Sad Head Shaking and Slow, Solemn Eye Closing, Not So Much Out of Apology, But Condescending Disbelief That You Don’t Understand How Awesome I Am” in 2009. SEE YOU IN COURT. 

PS: All Bros can make money however they want. But when they called themselves “CREATORS” for pointing cameras at people watching culture that other people ACTUALLY MADE OUT OF NOTHING, I said a swear word. Out loud.  

Call yourselves ENTREPRENEURS or even PRODUCERS; but dudes have 1 million hipster beanies full of gall to try that line.  

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Noticed that while putting together this video exposing every lie from the last debate.

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Someone once bet Ernest Hemingway that he couldn’t tell a story in just six words. Hemingway replied, “Screw you. I’m Ernest Fucking Hemingway.”

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Hi, “Very Sorry But We Weren’t Able to Stop the Bleeding,” I’m Da- ... uh, Frank. I guess I’m just Frank.