djan8mae-sincethen

[djan8mae-sincethen]

15.Nov.2023

How is in that your gone and than everything around me explodes. I suddendly meet interesting people that i would never meet. And get to experience magic in everyday life.

And all i wanna di is tell you.

He was cute but also aexy in a ranchy way

Grey sweatpants that kind of seem mire like clotges for relaxing than a fashion choice, but his clean image showed how he usually dresses. He asked me about a copyshop nearby and i give him a terribbly confusing discripzion.

I get confused by his look and show him a goohle map without a root becausr my head is allready at home.we chat for a a bit ge says politly thabj you and i die internaly b3cazse i suddendly realize how weird i seem.

After 10 m i szop and thu j if going back just to bring him to the copy place and have a chance zo talk to him

As i am entering my home. I return but hes nit there anymite. I am an idiot.

[djan8mae-sincethen]

02.03.2021

it's 00:32. I am laying in my bed after talking to you, after finishing a rather basic movie night with my roommate.

I looked at our old texts and read stories that I created for us. a life where we live in a better life. I wrote our messages we used to send each other in every situation and it gave me back a piece of that.

It felt good again. Some parts ached but still lost their sour taste I got before.

The call helped. I am so proud of you to handle it so easily. I was a coward a lot of times and you were brave enough to write

multiple times. But I also felt that meet at the same level and I think this might be allright.

I miss you and I hope you feel that I am thinking about you.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

28.02.2021

I am afraid of you calling. It's just a few minutes away and I don't really know what to do with myself. I am tired and unmotivated and so close to dismiss the call and just lay in bed.

I would love you to see me as a newer person that has changed and grown, but I also feel like the same 25 year old that I was.

fuck this isn't easy. I don't even know what to say or what topics to talk about. Are we going to talk about the fight? How do we start?

My body is aching. And I feel the anxiety rising in my body.

I need positive Vibes now and we'll just see.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

Missing someone you can’t call up or go see anymore is a different type of heartbreak

[djan8mae-sincethen]

08.11.2020

Missing you dearly, there is so much to talk about. Even though I am at my worst and at a loss, I want to here your voice. I miss your crazy ideas, walking through the woods, talking about stories we will finish someday (I am sure of it) and eating cake while watching others work on the screen.

My heart aches for your presence, that I also fear.

Also you will hate me and find me super annoying because I am dieting and stopped eating meat. I can see your eyes rolling back as I type. :D

Fuck. I So hope that this isn't one of the biggest mistakes.

Thinking about writing you or just calling you. Either way is hard. Either way might not be great, but I don't think I can start 2021 without you.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

04.07.2020

I got your message at my roommates birthday. I just saw it on my screen and from that point I dont know what to do with it. It is a nice message. Simple but effective, probably really thought through (if I still know you). A few days have past and I didn‘t make up my mind yet. It seems easy. Just saying thanks for the good wishes and I hope everyones save and healthy with you. Maybe you even have your sister back from her world trip because of current times. Maybe your happy.

The only thing holding me back is … I really don‘t know to be honest whats holding me back. My fear of losing you again, of trusting you again. My fear that nothing changed and I will be more work than fun. Do I have the energy the patience, the heart?

I was heart. Pretty badly. I still feel it sometimes. It was a terrible time and I will not be able to accept as much as I did than.

I also miss you a lot. I miss talking to you, laughing with you, like I do with nobody else. And feeling understood in so many topics and aspects that aren‘t easy to grasp.

Also, I am a shell of my former self. Its been a very rough year. Things have gotten rough and a lot is crampling at the moment. I am not sure if it is the right time to reshape an old friendship.

I don‘t know, I just don‘t know.

But I am sorry that you had the strength to write me and now you have to wait because I don‘t know.

I dont want you to think I want to never write you again, but that might be possible.

Sorry I hope you are well. I hope you are save and I hope that you will be happy.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

26.05.2020

I’ve dreamed about you tonight. It was strange and a really emotional dream. I wondered around in the dark. We were a bit older than now and I was in a miserable state. 

I don’t really know where I was coming from or if I was on my way home. But I saw you. Sitting on a bridge, ready to jump. I was scared of my life. I sat next to you and we talked. For real this time. Really honest this time. It burst out of me and the words I chose were great and for the first time I saw that you really understood every single one. 

My heart gets so empty sometimes. It is almost a year. Almost one whole year without you, eventhough you were always there in my past. Almost every day, you were there. In text, on the phone or in person. 

Now you are not. And I still can’t tell how we changed that much.

And I still can’t tell if this is a good or a bad thing.

Maybe one day I know

Maybe one day we see each other again

Not on a bridge

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

28.04.2020

As I entered the kitchen I thought of you. Just you thinking about me, how our friendship deep dived, how we are not together anymore. I thought about you judging my life choices, being jelous of what I might have now and how you would ignore the reality. That I changed but not as much as you think. I changed but I still sit at home in the dark, imagining a world, where this might be no problem. Where I can sit drink coffee and watch the sunset - feeling at peace.

Maybe you remember the home I was describing you, the flat I would own some day and I am sure I will. But lately it gets harder and harder to believe.

Me just standing in front of a window, knowing I am well. This image fades.

I am not sure how I feel about our friendship today. I am somewhat happy we have time apart. Maybe I see you with your happy family in a restaurant someday, bugging your kids to eat their veg. But I am not sure I will go up to that table or even wave. 

Today I feel mixed.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

20.04.2020

We wrote stories together, each their own, mine loosely constructed word vomit and just rapidly writing everything I could in the hour we gave eachother, before emailing them. Yours were more constructed and the words were chosen carefully. But the pages were all filled with life and the hearts of the authors.

I am reading them again, while laying under thick blankets, remembering the time we dreamed of finishing it. The book that would save us, get us out of the normal and into a world of creativity and joy.

As I am reading them again I see small glimpses of you in your characters. Now I see what small details you hid in small lines, that now I get, that now I miss.

I hope you never gave up writing, I hope you still create worlds and people. I hope you can find yourself in. them and maybe work things out. For me it works sometimes.

It will sound selfish, but I hope I can live in your stories too. That you describe moments we shared or character traits that remind you of me, so I still can be part of your life without it hurting.

You will always be a part of mine.

That won't change.

Someday we will exchange them again and I will honor every line.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

19.04.2020

I remember you more often know. Experiences we shared, like walking through the woods in summer and spring, meeting the spirits and letting the sun fill us up with positive energy.

Also our plans to start running more and me failing at it terribly. I miss those days. I miss the forest too.

Maybe one. day we'll return and find the secret passage through the old oak or the depth of the lake.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

19.04.2020

While showering I thought of you. I had a feeling my phone would ring every second and your sister would call me.

I hope that never happens. I hope you and your family are save and healthy.

Also, I really hope you call me when all the tides are turning and then I am there.

🌱

[djan8mae-sincethen]

16.04.2020

Reading the story I wrote for you and wishing we would lay in your garden, enjoying the sun and talking about Love, Magic, Barbie, Death.

Miss you lots, even though I know it's to early.

🌱