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diversitytrash · 4 years ago

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Circles (Hisoka HxH)

Well hello there! hope you’re all doing okay during these hard times with this pandemic, I really hope you all feel safe and are healthy. This is a little something I was working on, the song really hitting all the right buttons to get me working enough to do a little something, hope is of your liking! I used this song as inspiration for this little something, got me in the mood enough since I got it playing on a loop for a while.

*Sidenotes*: I apologize in advance if this suck, really, please forgive me.

Warnings: Gloomy thoughts, language, abuse of substance, angst, Hisoka

Work count: 4.4k

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~We couldn’t turn around

Till we were upside down

I’ll be the bad guy now

But no, I ain’t too proud~

She could not truly explain the numb feeling in her chest. The way her blood flooded quicker whenever a certain jester came to her mind, how her eyes filled with tears at the memory of her begging, of her offering the impossible only to not feel neglected by her significant other.

But she never bothered to see his true colors, the way whenever she would open her heart to him, the teasing smile that adorned his lips, the mockery shining in his eyes, the little laughs whenever she truly thought he was paying attention.

~I couldn’t be there

Even when I try~

She was idiot enough to think that maybe; just maybe, inside his hollow chest there was still a little piece of his rotten heart that could at least respect her, but lying to herself is the best magic trick she learned over the time of her life she shared with Hisoka.

It was not the fact that she blinded herself out of love; she wanted to avoid the obvious; she wanted to ignore the way his eyes will linger in other girls as they walked down the street on cute little “dates” he would take her only to make sure she would not nag his head off for being such an asshole.

Y/n always was quick to give Hisoka a blind eye whenever he would come over to her apartment looking for shelter, with his clothes slightly awkward on contrary of how the jester always made sure to look presentable, how whenever he kissed her in his lips always lingered a stain of lipstick that it wasn’t hers . How through the collar of his shirt there were colored marks on his skin that she never left because Hisoka hated to be marked by her, claiming to not be property of anyone.

So the best she could do was make her heart and mind go numb; no longer bother to shed tears whenever the jester took from her every ounce of life and cherish, soft loving whispers falling from her lips and then fade away from her life for days, weeks, even months. How even a numb-feeling assassin will mock her, teasing her in little matters whenever Hisoka popped into their conversations.

How the troupe of thieves will look at her like she was the greatest joke they have heard so far; and some others with pure pity.

~You don’t believe it

We do this every time~

How y/n thought that the best way from getting rid of a nuisance was by bringing another one into her life, one that will make her feel her fingers loose, her eyes slightly heavy as soon the burning sensation left in her throat became so usual that it seemed she was drinking plain water.

Somehow the strong smell of liquor staining her breath and mind was not enough; so she added a new little trick to her nightly routine, her eyes now becoming puffy, and her mind so loud and wild that instead of feeling numb she felt like venturing the world while laying down at her couch.

The long black-haired assassin had had enough of seeing the most composed person in his life to crumble down over someone not worthy of her sorrow, so soon; he also became a constant in y/n’s melancholic nights, how he would hide her precious edibles and little stash until it was safe for him to throw it away, the liquor supply becoming more and more unavailable, soon enough she was back again sober enough to feel once again, now feeling the self-consciousness her new hobbies hide, but more like irritation over the black-eye assassin

“Funny how ever since you started to come here my buzz has been drying night by night Illumi” she snarled, her mood swings becoming more prominent, but Illumi kept on with his plan, it was a perfect plan in his eyes. Instead of destroying her potential and life over a self-destructive moron, Illumi decided to teach her that there were other ways for her to feel such as a broken heart

“Maybe you’re just taking more than usual and is no longer enough with the amount you are used to”

It was a little trick here and there. Enough for her to grow scared of the little ghost she was becoming, soon it was not only Illumi the one who visited her home often, but also a certain leader, his book never leaving his hand while he pretended to be there just to enjoy her favorite reading chair, which by pure coincidence was right in front of where she always drowned her regrets in.

To the added mix became more and more people until her home felt too crowded, too much noise, too much people for her to deal with after isolating herself from the world since the early months of that year.

It was a faithful night, the radio playing softly in the background as now she was no longer in the couch where she used to throw herself over, drink and weed in each hand while looking over her ceiling. Now she was seated over Chrollo’s claimed chair, moved over the balcony at the right of her living room as she looked over the stars, the cold night making her skin invade of goosebumps as the bitter memory of the night her life went down the drain came into her mind

It was a sunny day, awfully a bright, good sunny day. Good enough to make her get up early, no need of her alarm as the curtains of her bedroom window barely caught the light of the warm blooming sun.

It was a happy day; but inside her heart, like a sixth sense, there was an ugly monster crawling, having weeks growing and growing inside her little heart whenever Hisoka came to her mind.

But she decided to ignore the monster bubbling inside her mind, the nightmare shadow of second guessing her lover’s true intentions.

She decided to give Hisoka the benefit of a doubt and the little monster only kept growing and growing, every night that passed over the last 3 days since he announced he will be around town doing business smiling at her, in the middle of the night waking her up by the terrifying laugh it will bubble from the sharp-fanged mouth that had, the way whenever Hisoka’s name left her lips in a whimper it teased her, telling her just how worthless she was in the jester’s eyes.

So, today was a sunny bright day to go down town and do a few of her pending errands and calm the beast down, proving it that there was nothing to worry about, that Hisoka was a man of his word. And god how did she regret being so right.

~Seasons change and our love went cold~

She regretted getting so up in the morning and running a fresh shower now that she saw her lover walking with two ladies tangled by his sides as Hisoka kept a sensual pace all the way down to the motel.

She regretted using the little overall skirt that she adored with all her heart along with her favorite shirt as she waited outside the motel until late at night to find a lover covered in love bites and yet, one of the ladies by his side.

She hated that she did her makeup with so much effort, looking herself through the mirror and admiring herself, whispering to her own little ears just how beautiful she truly was; only to have Hisoka mock her in the middle of the street as the piercing dagger in the middle of her heart kept going deeper and deeper the more Hisoka spoke

~Feed the flame ‘cause we can’t let go~

“Oh kitten, how pathetic of you to truly believe I ever loved you. I don’t do love princess, I fuck who I lust for, and both of us know, it’s been a long while since I visited your little downtown”

But the most she hated, was the little steps she took joyful as she walked down the streets, treating herself to little desires as more than a coffee and a snack and looking for a gift for her lover thinking he truly loved her.

The fact of knowing the monster crawling inside her mind was right; how it laughed at her just like Hisoka and the beautiful lady by his side. The way the little monster became bigger and bigger When Hisoka spoke hurtful words in her direction

~I dare you to do something

I’m waiting on you again

So I don’t take the blame~

“No one of importance”

“How pathetic”

“I actually did you a favor’”

How the assassin she thought that had an ounce of empathy at least at one of her tip of his needles only laughed at her

~Run away, but we running in circles~

“Did you truly believe Hisoka would love someone like you?”

Once again she felt like a child, the scolded child her mother hated to see after punishing her for doing something wrong, how she would scold her for having a tear-stained face like she was victim when in fact it was her fault the punishment she got. How her mother will lock her inside her room for days on with no contact to the outer world because she decided to go downstairs when she was clearly busy.

~Run away. Run away. Run away~

And so, the urgent need of changing her home upside down invaded her body, anxious enough to move maybe a little too fast, making the assassin move quick enough to get her before her face smashed against the floor. The way her body tingled with excitement as her eyes once again sparked with the same mischief like before she dipped herself into the jester’s magic tricks

~Let go

I got a feeling that it’s time to let go~

Suddenly, the thought of her bed felt wrong, the way her room was coordinated felt unsettling and just thinking about how she would throw herself into it by the time she went to bed felt wrong

“What are you doing?” The assassin questioned, confused by her sudden burst of energy as she looked over him

“It’s spring Illumi! Spring!” She cheered, excitedly walking fast over her windows and opening them wide, the assassin once again feeling terrified by just how much emotion she handled in her body in such short periods of time

“Yes, it is Spring” he answered, y/n snorting before she turned around and her hands on her hips

“It’s spring cleaning Illumi. We’re cleaning!” To say that Illumi’s was more than excited of just leaving her on her own to do her own thoughtless actions was beyond tempting, but also, he was curious about what exactly she was meaning about this spoken Spring Cleaning that got her so excited.

And soon, as Illumi saw how she pulled empty boxes from her closet and she opened her drawers; only to notice how many pieces of her lengerie were thrown into them and so as certain cards and other little gifts, Illumi felt the need enough to call for second hands and try to help him to figure out just what she planned to do

~I say so

I knew this was doomed from the get go~

When a troupe arrived to the home, along with 4 declares enemies; Illumi felt more peaceful

“What the hell Zoldyck, you said this was an emergency, not a fucking hangout-“ but as soon as Nobunaga’s snark comments came and invade her home, they left as they saw her, her hair in a high pony tail and sweat lightly dripping from her forehead, a bright smile in her face, and boxes in both of her arms as she stood from the top of her stairs

“Oh, hey guys!” y/n spoke, excited to see her friends, the boxes in her arms being let go as both of them slammed against the floor, the sudden crash of something fragile inside either one or both alarming the entire party as she dusted her hands, looking proud

“Glad you see you all, but I’m a little busy at the moment as you can see” she pointed at the boxes, the bitter smell of the cologne a certain jester used invading their nostrils, Chrollo being quick to connect the loose ends as he smiled al little bit, but the rest of the troupe still confused

“Y/n… are those… Hisoka’s things?” Shalnark asked, taking his words with much care as to not fright the little dove in front of them while her smiled grew

~You thought that it was special, special~

“Yes!” She replied excited before turning around over her room, leaving them at the entrance hallway, but Shalnark had many questions in his mind, why was Hisoka’s cologne infesting the entire room to be specific, in a box she threw out of her arms like she was dealing with bad things like trash

“Why?” Pakunoda pushed, looking over the entrance of her bedroom as the excited young adult ripped the sheets from her mattress, throwing them over the floor before she looked back at them

“Spring cleaning! Didn’t Illumi tell you when he called? It’s spring cleaning” she answered, like trying to explain a child the obvious answer before she pulled the mattress from the wooden base, moving little by little until half of it was out of it

~But it was just the sex though, the sex though~

“So, you’re throwing things away?” Shizuku was the next to ask, confused as to why exactly he was called over before she smiled nodding her head

“Why are we throwing good things away?” Shalnark frowned, still not getting the point as she rolled her eyes

“Spring cleaning it’s the time of year where you get rid of shit you don’t longer need in your life” she answered, the words leaving her mouth smooth, too smooth for a woman with the broken heart to speak so freely

“And what’s the shit we’re getting rid off?” Phinks questioned, pushing the people from her door aside as he took his jacket off, rolling his shoulders as he pulled and twisted the sleeves of his shirt as much as he could to make it a muscle shirt

“Bad vibes shit” was all she answered, but it was enough for a few of them to know that finally; she was done with her little depressing episode over the jester once her heart loved unconditionally, the blood of a bitter year finally ending its tour in her soul and now; once again, being the quirking little spirit they once met.

Just like how boxes of gifts and clothes were thrown out, soon her entire bed followed, with the help of the male part of the troupe as the girls kept themselves busy over her living room and kitchen, looking for anything that reminded her of the jester.

But to everyone’s surprise, she was getting rid of everything

“Are you sure, 100% positive that this couch needs to leave along with the fucking plasma tv?”

“Spring cleaning Shalnark!”

And so, as the day went by, with the help of her friends, her home was now nothing but the entire emptiness of echoes and walls, no room reserves with anything, not a single chair, not a single table, not even a cup or a spoon

~And I still hear the echoes (the echoes)

I got a feeling that it’s time to let it go

Let it go~

She truly got rid of everything in her apartment, everything being left out in the street with a sign in big bold letters of FREE, TAKE WHATEVER YOU PLEASE, the way her heart hammered against her ribcages was exciting, almost teasing her to keep on, being barely noon, she still had plenty of time to keep moving forward

“She even got rid of the fucking stove. And the damn fridge” Feitan grumbled, looking over the empty kitchen

“What the hell, you threw out my fucking stove?” She snarled, her attention disappearing from the empty living room for a second as she looked over the men

“You said you get rid of everything!”

“Except the kitchen!"

“How were we going to know!”

“And where is my reading chair Chrollo?”

So on, the next three days were eventful enough for her to be moving up and down around town, the snark comments coming from the party of males who moved all the way down to the first floor of the building to retract her precious kitchen only to notify that her fridge was long gone, as she chew over the big bad boss, threatening his future bloodline if he didn’t return her precious chair, if he ever dare to have one.

Instead of plain cold white, her living room was not a soft, kissed pastel of baby grey, the way it contrasted all her new furniture bringing lightness to her heart, her kitchen now bright white and dark wooden floors, the midnight black dinner table contrasting lovely with her pearl china and silverware cutlery.

~Maybe you don’t understand what I’m through

It’s only me, what you got to loose?~

The smell of fresh paint invaded her senses as she moved along her home to open all the available windows, the purpose of change in her heart was big and evident enough for no one to question her decision and just how exactly she desired to view the world from now on. Just as changed came into her life in a material world, so they did in her loving. Her hair no longer at the competing length as Illumi’s. It now tickled her cheeks in soft little curls whenever she moved a little too quickly. Her wardrobe entirely changed, everything she ever owned either being thrown away or giving as hand-downs, since her clothing was all in a perfect shape and some pieces even brand new.

~Make up your mind, tell me, what are you gonna do?~

The little monster was no longer invading her nights and days, suddenly the gloomy days that invaded her morning were now the brightest, the excitement in her body enough to rub off even in the most odd of her companions, and once again, it was a sunny day.

She was wearing her favorite jean overall skirt, along with a white t-shirt underneath and her snickers making match with it.

The man she was clinging over in his ever odd green outfit

“Illumi please~ just one~” she cried, getting heavier and heavier over his arms as the little tick in his eye made presence, the little smirk in her lips going unnoticed by the assassin as he tried to push her away, only to have her grip her arms around his waist in quite and odd hug since he tried to rip her off his body

“If I say yes, will you let me go?” the male grumbled, hating the idea of so much attention on him, but even worse the feeling in his chest whenever she hugged him

“If you tell me where Chrollo hid my most precious treasure, maybe”

~It’s only me, let it go~

But for her odd luck, back in the roof of a building, the little monster that once invaded her heart, was now a monster hunting the jester she once loved. And it felt horrible just how much it crawled in his mind even in days when he had promised to not think of her.

At first, it was the memory of the night she caught him red handed in his little adventures, but Hisoka payed her no mind, knowing deep in his heart, that in no longer than three days; she would be calling him on his cellphone, at least three times the first day and after the third time he did not answer; leaving him a voicemail asking him, pleading, begging, that if he had time in his hands to spare, she would be waiting for him at her apartment.

But the calls never came, Hisoka assumed she needed a little bit more of time for her to come around, after all, this was not like the other times many fights happened.

It was not a day where she smelled a perfume that was not hers in his clothes.

It was not the kisses stained that didn’t belong to her at his neck to jaw.

It wasn’t the false hope of maybe it being an odd coincidence.

~Seasons changed and our love went cold~

Soon the thought of her left his mind as quick as it arrived and he continued on to pursue his life as a single man, scoffing and mocking the memory of her being such an obedient pet for him; such a good little girl only for him. Turning into a sour note in his being.

As time passed, Hisoka saw less and less of her, it was almost as she became a ghost to hunt him along his days.

That’s when, after such teasing manners with the troupe he became part with started talking

“It was an odd weekend” it was all Shalnarkl spoke about those three days when there was nowhere in the current hideout, how all of the sudden they seemed busy, everyone but him

“Ask the boss, not me” avoiding his nosy interrogation, he was fed enough with vague excuses and wanted to know the truth

And, after a year where he was waiting for her to come around, the reality of his situation hit him so harsh, never did Hisoka imagined to feel his chest contrast in such a painful way

“Ah yes. We were busy helping y/n doing her spring cleaning, she got rid of something” that was the first time the little monster appear, hiding in the shadows of his mind, eyes bright and fangs out of its mouth, mouth drooling at the taste of Hisoka’s distress, specially at the witnessing eye he was glaring, daggers in his irises that killed Chrollo over a hundred times once he realized just where the phantom troupe leader was sitting

“And what was that something you helped my little ripe fruit that you got rid of Dauncho?” Chrollo could feel the uneasiness from Hisoka, it was palpable, like a wild caged animal trying to scent the room in order to feel safe, but much to his poor luck, Chorllo was not feeling sympathy enough in his heart and mind to share some with the clown in his troupe

“Well, you of course” and like a rabid dog, the monster bit Hisoka down deep in his insecurities, like a bucket of cold water in his overheated skin, goosebumps invading his skin as the realization of where he stood hit him at the back of his head

She got rid of everything that reminded her of him

~Feed the flame ‘cause we can’t let go~

The red eye monster no longer left Hisoka’s side, it had been nearly half a year since that realization became palpable in his life. The way his throat knotted when as soon as Chrollo finished giving his explanation he flew all the way down to her home. Only to find pieces of himself thrown like trash, he was not spoken lies to when Chorllo told him where exactly they went that long weekend, the rain heavy and hurtful over Hisoka’s shoulders as he saw the boxes of gifts he once bought his beloved, including gifts and things she bought for him. Everything away like they never meant anything, nothing to care about, to cherish, to love

Just like you did with her little heart

The monster mocked, laughing louder and louder every time Hisoka dared to deny the reality of his situation, how he in fact took her for granted. The one person he always crawled back whenever he was feeling down; in the need of company either by distraction or in the silent bliss of just having her in his arms.

Indeed Hisoka threw her heart to the trash before stepping on it over and over again a thousand times, but never did he expect for her to get rid of him in such a way

~Run away, but we’re running in circles~

Hisoka remembers the day she finally, shut her heart closed from him.

The tears that once ran down her porcelain skin, were now invading his eyes, feeling helpless and the monster crawled in his mind, feral and pushing him over the edge of mania further from the forbidden emotions he already felt.

The helplessness in her steps as she ran away from him not made his legs feel like jelly whenever he took a step forward, fighting against the monster inside his head, screaming at it in his mind that it was wrong and she will love him once again as soon as she sees him

The vile in his throat leaving a bitter taste in his mouth as he saw just how happy she was.

She needed to feel miserable, just like him, he no longer had that little feeling in his heart, the excitement of going back into her arms like once the blue moon far away from now. But he felt numb, no longer did Hisoka had the desire of moving forward and leaving in the past.

He needed her to need him.

The knowing fact that she no longer felt miserable without him irked him, why was she so happy to get him out of her life?

Did he really deserve such treatment? Did he ruined her love for him enough to say he was no longer worth to have in her life, such as throwing everything away he even once touch like the worst of virus invaded said articles?

The monster inside his head finally won the final battle before leaving him; feeling as empty as ever, no purpose in life other than the desire of fulfillment; the need of feeling something; anything, to crash him like a gave to once again, learn how to ignore the emptiness in his body, the dark thought of being reminded he was left alone, no one needing him, everyone hating him. But why was he feeling like this?

Wasn’t this what he wanted all along? Stirring feeling inside people that made them feel confused, distress, sorrow; whenever they thought about him? Did is what he wanted all along, isn’t it true? He was bored with her, that was the excuse he used when he decided she was too loving for him.

After all; Hisoka loves to feel, but not much, just enough to know he caused an impact, and just like that; rip it away harsh enough to leave an ugly scar, the memory of him impregnated in their minds forever.

But it seemed like now; the ugly scar was not in her, but in his empty broken heart.

~Run away, Run away

Run away~

*Fin*

#hisoka x reader #hisoka morow #hisoka angst #hunter x hunter #hisoka hunter hunter #h x h hisoka #hisoka hunter x hunter #reader x hisoka #Hisoka hxh

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