dispirited-disorder-blog - Tumblr blog

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I hate it how they assume that when I talk to someone through the phone it means I'm in a relationship with someone or that I'm in love with them. Love makes me fucking cut. I can't feel love. If I do, my body gags, make me feel like cutting, and even wanting to attack them

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

Regret. 

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I should of kept my mouth shut and things wouldn't have gotten this bad

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Now everyone knows

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I fucked up

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I'm not feeling out, I'm slowly losing my sanity

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I wish I could die already. If I slip up again I can be forced to go to a psychiatrist or end up at the hospital or even a psychiatric ward. If I end up a fucking ward, will lose my shit and lose myself. I'll act out all what I think. Through shit around, through myself everywhere, climb all over the place, and make growling loud ass noises all night. I'd literally flip that ward fucking upside down. I will not be sane and will release my insanity.

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

Haven't been to the doctors for a regular check up for years and recently I went

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I wasn't going to talk about any problems I had mentally but I fucking blew it

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I don't like sinning so when it comes to lies, I try to go around people's questions

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I lost it. They took over. They started slowly spilling my guts

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It was hard try to fight back the urge to harm self to gain control back, but I didn't want the doctor to find out I do harm myself

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But they told her anyways. Now I've been diagnosed and been told to get help. That's when I gained control again

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She gave her story how she had to go to a psychiatrist.

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I don't care what you went through. I don't want help. I like being off this way

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It's better if I don't go someone for so called "help"

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

I like this quote I found:

"Stop messaging first and see how many dead plants you have been watering"

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I guess I've been wasting water this whole time

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

Hopefully all of this bleach kills me

I cant smell it anymore

My chest hurts a bit

It burns a bit to breathe

[dispirited-disorder-blog]

The last sleep paralysis shook me. It wasn't the usual crushing me to death or only just crawling on top of me.

This time it crawled up to me. I didn't care caz if it kills me good and it's not real. Then I heard it crawl up next to my pillow. It then started to sniff the air. Like a garglely sniffing breathing.

It sniffed away from the direction where my head was. I then said no under my breath, and it slowly turned and sniffed into my ear.

I sleep alone. We don't have any pets inside. There wasn't any air blowing at the time.

I then started a prayer before it got the chance to touch me and it disappeared. Right when I said the the word father, I felt it take in a breath and I felt the weight on me and next to me slowly lift away.

Wtf

Do I really have demons around me?

Or is this some kind of parallel universe I'm slipping in?

This isn't just a sleep paralysis hallucination. I know how I feel when I'm sleeping and awake. I can extinguish it very easily. How am I hallucinating any of this if I'm not afraid or thinking of anything.

My mind is blank, I'm just wanting to go back to sleep. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm paralyzed. So there shouldn't be any panic or imagination to trigger a hallucination.

[dispirited-disorder-blog]