discovery-brought-it-back

[discovery-brought-it-back]

Life really does just be shitty

I swear the universe or whatever higher power is out there really just wants me to end it. Everything is going to shit around me and nothing ever changes. All of my phone chargers no longer charge my phone. Might just be my phone at this point. But you know thats cool its not like I need it to work or anything. Like you know actually fucking make money since my job is on it. It gets even better because my car is breaking down and I also need that to work but since my phone isnt working that doesnt really matter anymore. Plus I have insurance and school thats trying to come out of my bank account but since I only $9 it cant. 

I fully wanted to kill myself acouple days ago but I didn’t and I talked to a friend and everything was cool again. I finally started working again. And then all of this happens 2 days later all in pretty much the same day. I’m not going to kill myself but fuck life is really just showing its all pointless.

[discovery-brought-it-back]

Memories

I remember one time when I was around 6 or 7 my step dad came into my room to summon me into the living room. At the time we had this dark blue couch set. He had me sit down on the couch and he asked me, “ Can I put it in this time?” I said no because I was afraid it would hurt too bad. So he had me stand up so he could flip over the cushion I was sitting on. On the back side was a zipper. He unzipped it to reveal a plus mark in the foam. ( I can’t remember if he had done this before. This is one of my only clear memory of my childhood.) He had me take off all my clothes and sit over the hole with my legs spread. He put on a condom and proceeded to fuck the cushion with me on it. He always listened to what I had to say and what I was comfortable with. It has fucked with me so much over the years. 

I remember one time when I was around 8 I had begun to enjoy pleasing him. It had been going on for almost 5 years at that point. I asked to give him a bj so I could fall asleep. And it fucking worked. Remembering this has put me so close to the verge of suicide too many times. I hate how much he made me feel loved.

Once, he woke me up and took me to the bathroom. He jerked off in front of me into the toilet. I remember asking if guys wipe their tips after they pee. He told me no and I still remember how disgusting I found it. I remember giggling at the way the semen looked. He told me I needed to be quieter.

I feel so completely fucked up because I don’t feel as if my childhood was bad. Because I enjoyed what happened. This might just drive me crazy someday. I know it’s not normal to think like this. Even just thinking about him, I can’t hate him. He was the only parental figure that showed me love. That showed me I mattered. Even now, years after he went to prison, I have never been shown that i matter to my family. I’ve never been wanted here. Sometimes I think it would’ve been better if I hadn’t spoke up. Maybe if my stepdad was still around I wouldn’t have gone through what I did as a teenager. I know it’s wrong to think about it that way. But it’s the unknowns that drive me crazy.

[discovery-brought-it-back]

I Am Empty

I am alone and I feel like I have no one I can talk to. I need a new way to let my thoughts escape so I’m going to use this as a kind of diary. I hope that this never really gets seen by anyone but maybe there will be a small chance that I am not alone. Maybe there is someone that can help someday.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this but I want to let my story be told. 

I feel so alone in this world. My entire life I have struggled with trying to fit in and be accepted by society, my peers, and my family. But I have never really felt like I belong. This stims from ALOT of childhood trauma and its always been hard to make friends after whats happened. I’ve never met anyone else that has been through what I have. I’ve had friends that had some bad stuff happen and we could talk about it but I never could talk about mine. I’m not trying to be selfish or anything. It’s just I’ve always been the good listener but no one would hear me. Everyone in my life has always come to me to talk about how their feeling. My mom only talks to me to talk about herself. My stepmom always came to me when she was drunk and depressed. My siblings used to come to me when they were feeling low. My brother still does, he is the only person I know that thinks like I do. But I still can’t trust him enough to actually open up. My friends come to me to talk about boy problems. I like being the person to lean on. I will always be there. I just wish I had that in return. 

I am so tired of this life that I am living. I feel like I’ve been living a lie my entire life. I still haven’t fully figured out why I feel like this but I’m guessing it has to do with the way I think. I know it’s not normal. I don’t know if I’m smart but I at least know I’m not completely stupid. My mom says she has an almost genius level IQ but the longer I’m on this planet the less I believe her. She lied my entire life so why stop now. But my uncle did score genius level so it is in the family. Maybe she didn’t lie for once? My dad was also smart at one point. If he hadn’t done meth he could’ve been brilliant. He could’ve been an inventor. He was always coming up with cool shit. Now the meth ate away the nice, decent, human part of him and he’s a radical republican. He disowned my brother and called him a liberal snowflake over my brother moving out on his own. (he might of also mention something about my stepmom, but I say it was fair. She’s the devil in disguise) I know any bratty step kid says that but she was viscous. She ruined my dads life. Yes he helped her with it but because of her actions, he died inside and he just gave up.

I honestly don’t know how old I was when this happened. My younger years are very mixed up because of lies I was told for years from my mom. And then more lies from my dad when he decided to show back up. At some point from me being 1yr old to 3 yrs old my parents were all doing meth. My dad, mom, and stepmom. They would do meth in the living room with the three of us kids upstairs. My mom and dad have both told me about this time. So my brother and sister would always sleep soundly. But I, being the special person I am, would get a contact high and run around our bedroom all night. I’m pretty sure that’s where my insomnia comes from. Cause I’ve had it my entire life. But you know what my parents did when they realized why I was running laps around my room at 2am?? They laughed about it. They still won’t say that that was fucked up. Anyways my actually point is after that shit probably around a year later my dad finally was giving meth up. He saw what is was doing and he wanted to fix it. But of course my stepmom had to stop that shit. She cheated on my dad so she could get a fix. And his response was to just give in and get high. Because being high was better than dealing with the fact that his wife cheated on him for a drug.

God just rereading what I just wrote my brain is every where

That’s all for now ig