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“She knows God won’t mind accepting another angel into his kingdom”

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aug ‘22

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every so often, i think, and it might be so selfish of me, but i crave to be someone's first choice. i want to be the person that someone sees fun things to do and their first thought is to ask me to go with them. i want someone to be willing to inconvenience themselves a little bit sometimes for me as i would do for them. i want to be looked at in a list of people and to have someone pick me out of all of them. i want to be held at the same level as a romantic partner in terms of effort and closeness. i want someone to want me as much as i want them, even though it's not in a romantic sense. i want to be important to someone.

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— Louise L. Hay

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I’m the homeless guy picking you up off the sidewalk and smoking you

im like if a half-smoked cigarette was a person

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mutuals

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saying "imagine not liking best girl" whenever I have thoughts of self loathing

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The amount of you reblogging my post about ASPD saying that you relate, I struggle to believe you! I didn’t know there were so many of us..

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I hope this post gets seen by someone bc I genuinely would like some advice.

My friend introduced me to someone four years older than me and we really got along well immediately. He’s got an adult job that pays really well and he treats me really nice. He knows about my boyfriend who’s been gone bc he’s in the coast guard, and he talked me into breaking up with him. I’d been wanting to for awhile but could never work up the courage to do it. The past year I feel like I completely forgot who I am, I feel numb 90% of the time, I stopped listening to music which used to be so important to me. I spend any time I’m not at work consuming true crime and other grotesque media and I’m starting to scare myself.

Anyway I decided to break up with my boyfriend bc he cheated on me twice and refused to help me figure out the future. Anytime I ask him when will we get to live together again, can I visit you, things like that, he’d just reply with “I don’t know” every time. The future ceased to exist for me and every day blends together. I just can’t be happy with someone who is always far away and I tried to make it work for a year but I am ready to give up on him.

Now the new guy wants me to quit my job to move in with him in a city 5 hours away and says he’ll financially support me and even pay for me to go back to school and get my masters degree. He’s in the Air Force currently deployed but when he gets back in January he will be staying here in my state for 5 years and not get deployed at all. We are officially dating now. We hung out like 4 times before he had to leave and now we talk every day on the phone. I guess we’ve been officially dating for a month now. He already told me he wants me to have his kids someday and he thinks I’m his soulmate. He said he’d prefer his wife to be a stay at home mom and wants to take care of me forever. I feel so mentally and emotionally stunted from my fucked up childhood that I don’t see any future where I can function normally in adult society and being a stay at home mom seems like the only realistic future for me. But should I trust him with my life? I just don’t know, I never imagined something like this would actually happen to me. It’s like I’ve been handed a way out, a cheat code, like a myth turned into reality. I’m excited and scared. I genuinely like him a lot. We both had abusive moms and experienced sexual abuse. We like the same music and movies and he even started reading my favorite author for me. Maybe I would be happy dedicating my life to him. I feel like a small child getting adopted.

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