dirtyhends - Tumblr blog

[dirtyhends]

they are perfectly normal

[dirtyhends]

nicky and aaron: when andrew’s on his meds he’s unhinged, but you haven’t seen him when he’s sober! he’s so much worse

andrew off his meds: *has clinical depression*

nicky and aaron: he’s craaazy

[dirtyhends]

Nothing is funnier to me than Andrew Minyard thinking “when I’m sober Neil Josten will stop being hot and then I can live my life in peace” and then getting out of the hospital and immediately realizing that he is, in fact, in way too deep.

[dirtyhends]

the kevneil arguing dynamic is deeply important to me theyre like 2 chihuahuas yapping at each other. like 2 flies buzzing at each other and then hitting the windows

[dirtyhends]

might be wrong but im pretty sure neils unwavering trust in andrew protecting him was always more about andrew not being all horrified by his story and actually being willing to help than it ever was about whether or not andrew could actually do it

[dirtyhends]

huzzah! time to kidnap neil’s jordans! oh wait…is that NOOOOO NOT THE WHITE CROCD BODYGUARD

[dirtyhends]

Andrew stickers I’m making :)

[dirtyhends]

Monsters pregame:

[dirtyhends]

AAAA/The Useful Idiot

2024

IG

[dirtyhends]

Things that take time & many tries to get right:

learning to be a good friend/partner

healing from depression, failures or heartbreak

becoming amazing at an art or skill

overcoming anxiety, insecurities and low body image

overcoming the need to isolate yourself

changing self-hating thoughts to kinder ones

making a real connection with someone

overcoming self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts

learning how to study effectively

finding a sense of stability and calmness at your core

quitting habits or addictions

leaving people and behaviours that turn you into the worst version of yourself

getting used to healthier coping mechanisms & mindsets that feel fake

treating yourself like you truly care about yourself

becoming the person you always wanted to be

[dirtyhends]

Why do I feel like self destruction is the answer to every bad feeling I have? Any negative thoughts, go on...destroy yourself, you'll feel so much better.

[dirtyhends]

قالت: حتمًا سأنساك، وقلت لها: سأفقد الذاكرة ولن أنساك، سأحدث المجانين عنكِ

She said: I will definitely forget you, and I told her: I will lose my memory and will not forget you, I will talk to the lunatics about you.

- Mahmoud Darwish

[dirtyhends]

source

[dirtyhends]

[dirtyhends]

In the back of my mind, You died And I didn’t even cry. No, not a single tear And I’m sick of waiting patiently for someone that won’t even arrive. In the back of my mind, I killed you And I didn’t even even regret it. I can’t believe I said it But it’s true, I hate you.

[dirtyhends]

I never had someone i loved betray me before, cause i don't love people i just pretend to love them i have stopped myself from dying multiple times just for the hope of you, is that not beyond fucked up? i keep having dreams about you coming to apologize to me i frankly don't care about anybody else i really don't all the people we had around us al our shared friends i dont give a single fuck about them i liked them but i never really cared that much about them so i wasn't fazed with them leaving me as much as you betraying me destroyed me i don't care about what you did more than the act i feel like i am now unable to tell or share anything in fear that it will be used against me, i wonder if you know that i wrote down about you in details every time we met in my diary, and i am not even a writer but i wanted to remember those moments i also wonder if you knew how much i bragged about you to my mom and every time she would mention her best friend and her fighting i would say yeah i can't relate to that "you" would never do that to me i often wonder if i might've given myself bad eye and 7sedt rouhi i've always found excuses for you even when you made me feel small even when you were inconsiderate of my disability even when you made an instagram video about me and talked shit knowing i wouldnt know the content but little you did know that one of your so called friends pretty much captioned it for me word by word but even then i still thought maybe it's not me! thats not about me! she would never do that to me i thought that nothing could come between us, i'm not a good person not a good friend and i am aware of that but i tried my best to be one with you, it's weird even now i find myself crying wondering where did i go wrong convincing myself that i don't care about you but i do, you were my entire fucking world the only person i can be transparent with without feeling judged but now i'm aware that you were probably judging me every single time and it honestly kills me, i keep reading my diaries reading my words about when we met how clean you smelled how fun you were how beautiful and fashonably dressed you were how i felt like i could be myself around you and it drives me nuts to think i was and still feeling all this love for someone who didn't even pause to give me the benefit of doubt and i don't know how to stop feeling this way, even our other friend i didn't care about her it actually susprised me how i didn't give her a second thought or any of the other ones i guess i never held them in the same scale as you, to me what we shared was unsharable but we did share it anyway, i keep replaying every conversation every moment spent together everything you told me wondering where did i go wrong, the day you told me you attempted to kill yourself i was worried sick i started crying on facetime with my friend who lives in a whole another fucking contient just to now worry you and freak out on your face i don't feel bad about suicide or about people who feel urges to kill themselves o often struggled with feeling empathy for the suicidal because i have been feeling that way for as long as i can remember but the thought of losing you is what made me lose my mind maybe i thought about it so much that i manifested losing you in some way could that be the case? at the end i only wish i had closure it's okay i am okay with letting you go and i am okay with you not loving me the way i loved you i only wish i had closure cause i am tired of thinking but i guess we don't all get what we wish for huh? i only wish i could hate you but it's okay because i think hating you would hurt me more than whatever this is.

—

September 2023

[dirtyhends]