dipsysdumbmind - Tumblr blog

[dipsysdumbmind]

July 3rd, 2023

Therapy is cancelled today so its just me and Tumblr. It is the fifth day without a response. I decided to send a message today. I don’t know why but I feel like we need to talk. The shape I’m in right now isn’t good and I feel like if we don’t talk I am gonna make some choices that I may regret. But regret comes after things happen. Or when you never get a chance to get to that point. I’m thankful it was a long weekend because it gave me more time to try and. Well that is a lie. I didn’t do anything to help my pain. I just got high and drank so i could sleep. Bad habits. But it was the only thing I felt up to doing. Everything else was taxing. The thought of being around people is taxing. The thought of having to put on a smile is taxing. So I reached out. There is nowhere forward we can go. I knew when I sent the text that your response would determine if we would move forward or if everything would come to an end. The problem is I got too attached.. now that is usual. But I got too attached and I got too hopeful. I didn’t prepare for the end I only prepared for moving forward. And now I’m stuck. I’m stuck in a place that I don’t even know what to do. People can say well you can’t let it get you down and you have to move past it but saying something and doing something is two different things. And I lost a lot of my motivation to do anything. I lost the good parts in myself. I gave it away. Happily at that. I was fine to give you the good parts its what you deserved, but now. Now I don’t have any good to give anymore. I’m giving you until tonight to respond. You don’t know this but if you don’t respond. Well I don’t know if I can promise it’ll be the last time you hear from me but it will be the end. If I used my brain earlier I would have known that people don’t take 5 or more days to reply to who they want to. But you were able to do that with me and that should have been all the indicator I needed to know you didn’t feel the same. But I was blinded and you are you. It’s hard to think the worst about you when you always are the best. We will never go back to the bond that we had and I am concerned that you’re gonna finally see the real ugly parts about me. It sucks because you’re someone I never want to lose and it may be necessary. Because if I can’t have you around then maybe losing you is the smartest option. Nothing feels the same anymore. The lows just feel low. And satisfaction is gone. I don’t know what to do anymore. You made me look at life differently and now I can’t even look at it in that way. Where I once saw happiness, now I don’t see anything. I lost my hope. I don’t hope anymore and that scares me. Cause hope kept me going and so did you. Now I’m just here. I understand that time helps but I don’t think any time will diminish how I feel.

[dipsysdumbmind]

[dipsysdumbmind]

The other night I finally made another post. I only come here when I’m down and feel like I have nobody to turn to. OR when I just need to get something off my chest. Tonight, I’m here for both of those reasons. I hardly feel better after writing these posts, but I still do it. Sometimes I look back on them and I remember. This moment I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. I’ve taken many losses in this life. I’ve had some wins. I’ve yet to win in the way I hope for. I thought I was about to finally be there. It turns out I wasn’t even close. I did it again. I made my happiness dependent on someone. Even worse. I lost a bond with someone very special to me. Somebody who I wanted to always be in my life. But I can’t be in theirs. Not whilst they like someone else. Not whilst they know how I feel and they can’t feel the same. I hate that phrase. I hate that statement. I hate that sentence. I hate more that I know I won’t be able to change their mind. For once in my life I think I really would be able to give them everything a healthy relationship should have. I know that I’d always be there for them and would constantly want to make their days memorable. I know that I would have loved them with every fibre of my being. Love is a feeling I know when it’s real. Well. Now I do. I never felt the way I felt with them. I never felt so changed, like I could actually feel myself changing for the better. But it was short lived. I don’t want to play the what if game. Maybe I should have made a move at my birthday, maybe I should have just asked them about their feelings from before. For once I was trying to go with their timing. I thought that we’d have our day where we’d share how we feel and we’d become something more. Unfortunately I didn’t get what I wanted. It hurts me. It hurts me to know they rather try to be with someone who wouldn’t give them half of what I could. Someone who won’t feel for them even remotely as strong as I do. But that is what they want. So on top of losing someone I adore, I lost a friend too. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be their friend anymore. When my feelings went beyond friendship I’d never be able to revert back to that. I never felt so close with anybody else. I never felt so cared about. They changed my life. They made me feel alive. Feel happy. Feel normal even. I still care about them. I still think they are the best person in the world. But i cannot be their friend. I can only be so much more. So tonight is really tough for me. Yesterday was worse. I got too happy. And now they’re gone and so is the happiness. I wish life could have been different. I wish we could have had a chance. Cause I know we would have worked. I just know we would have. I wish we could have.

[dipsysdumbmind]

“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

— Theodore Isaac Rubin

[dipsysdumbmind]

June 28TH

I think the last part of my heart broke today. I found the perfect person. They were perfection and I would have done everything for them. They were everything that I want but they want someone else. The said my least favourite line: they wished they could feel something. I’ve heard that line before. I’m tired of that line. Someone who I feel everything for doesn’t feel anything for me. Not one thing. I’m hurt. A different type of hurt.

[dipsysdumbmind]

[dipsysdumbmind]

I just wish I could be the one. I wish I could be seen differently. I wish someone could actually see me. People act like they do when they think they’re interested and then they lose interest and they don’t see me anymore. I don’t have any tears tonight I used them all up yesterday. But I have the hole. The hole I’ve tried to fill. I’m alive just to be alive. I’m here cause I can’t do it. A brain that thinks too much. One that never stops. I’m alive but I am not happy. I’ve filled my life with a lot of temporary fills to try and be happy. But I see now that they are nothing more than that. Distractions, reminders even of times when I thought I’d be complete. The world sees me however they do. But who sees me for who i actually am. I am not strong. I’m weak. I’m nothing but a means. I’ve been this way for so long that I don’t know when I became this. I don’t know if there was ever any hope of me being different. I just wish I was different and I wish things were different. I wish people were different. I wish a lot but maybe what i experience is what i get. I’ve done so much wrong that many this is the best there is to offer. Maybe there is no correcting all my wrongs and maybe this is my karma. But i still hope. I don’t know if that makes me insane or stupid but I keep hoping that someone I want will finally see me in the way i want. But i don’t know how much longer i can keep hoping for something that seems like it’ll never come.

[dipsysdumbmind]

[dipsysdumbmind]

[dipsysdumbmind]

[dipsysdumbmind]

“You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.”

— Unknown

[dipsysdumbmind]

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Unknown

[dipsysdumbmind]

“Sometimes people put up walls, not only to keep people out, but also to see who cares enough to tear them down.”

— Leisa Rayven, Bad Romeo

[dipsysdumbmind]

“I had no idea what I wanted, only that I wanted something, which is the worst kind of wanting.”

— David Levithan

[dipsysdumbmind]