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a love like yours

04/09/2024

Ramadan 30, 1445 AH

never thought i would ever fall in love again, with someone whom i came across unexpectedly. moreover, my heart is fragile but he's touching it slow and tenderly. he speaks my heart without me needing to say it. i've always known that not many understand me but precisely, he does. looking back, i even forgot how it all really started.

he burns all the barriers i always build to distance me from people. he has a way to make me out from my hiding spot. i always knew when someone is sincere, and i feel that with him. i feel his kindness he gave to everyone. how lucky is it to have someone like him around, for the rest of your life.

the last time i saw him, the memory of him that lingers on me is a smiling face of him and all those beautiful gestures that struck deep into my soul. all those laughters he offered me, also apologizing for the feelings i may have had caught during. i finally have someone whom i feel safe with.

a love like his, that I want, in this very short temporary life i have. but we are trapped in a situation that doesn't allow us to be together, in this moment. he asked me to run away, multiple times but i can't bear to have hurt another heart that i ended up hurting my own, all over again.

will we ever crossed each other's path again in the future? i leave this all in Allah's hands.. oh Allah please forgive me and have mercy on me..

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✨ being brave ✨

10/11/2022

Rabi'ul Awwal 15, 1444 AH

i can't stay long in my comfort zone for i crave for something more; more exciting, more challenging. something new, and most importantly something that make me striving to live, that can make me feel more alive and alive everyday like i'm breathing the refreshing fresh air, not from the air humidified.

i want to focus on something that is worth my energy and time for i know making it to a thing that won't appreciate it is such a waste. i should turn to myself more, asking myself much even more whether to be sure to take the step or changing the direction.

i have been too long lost, stuck in a place i'm not comfortable with, being with people who doesn't let me being myself. i will try to open a way to chase a dream i almost forgot, i almost give up to achieve, i almost ditched since i thought it wasn't i really want but came to think of it, i've been wanting it since i was a kid and i shouldn't have been carried away too long, working so very hard on a dream i didn't have.

i, am my own biggest supporter i've ever had, through all the continents i've built in my head, let's go from where you have left and start again, dini! ♡

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to whom it may concern

06/20/2022

Dzul Qadah 21, 1443 AH

find myself writing here again is the least thing i want to do cause i know i won't have anyone to share this sorrow in my heart with. i'm not a kid anymore, not a teenage either and more about a young adult who is trying so hard to stand on her own feet. but at this moment i'm writing this.. i'm extremely tired and having below zero energy, it is minus. and i don't know what should i do to fill my energy with, to charge this damaged battery. it is sad to frequently feeling this, again and again.

i tried to do many things to fill this void within me and instead of getting better, i feel the cell in my heart getting more broken. would it heal their selves? would i always be strong? why do i have to experience this? it is so torturing i can't take it no more.

to live mean to accept all those emotions followed by. but why does it feel so exhausting? try to function, why does it feel so draining? i do not like ignoring people but why people often ignore others and don't feel anything like it's a common thing to do? why is it common, to live happily but breaking another to get it? why do we-i mean me-have to live in this kind of situation i don't want all my life? why i should be in a place where i can't avoid lies and dramas? oh Allah i don't want this.. oh Allah.. i don't want to care. please i don't want to know anything that is breaking my soul. oh Allah i want to live for You and for You only.. please make the rest unimportant to me.

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unfinished

02/24/2022

Rajab 23, 1443 AH

i was good until i have to face you. after all these years, turns out it is still hard. i already have someone who loves me so much and whom i love dearly but why do i still feel like this? why these sadness still lingers and how? how i still have feelings for you. how.. getting to know that you broke up with your girlfriend bring all the memories and the feelings back. why i should be in this situation.. oh Allah i trust Your Plan to me.. please make it easier. make my feelings lighter and guide me to You and You only. it is hard to feel everything deeply, to forget someone whom i loved so much. bismillah.. aamiin.

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a message for you

03/03/2021

Rajab 19, 1442 AH

i was there or so i thought but in fact i'm still stuck in the deep dark hole that i created. i barely see the light when my weather starts to gloom preparing its own storm to rage. no one is at fault but myself. thank you for your understanding and patience, through the years until this moment on you read this long line. wish you become a happiest form of yourself. <3

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as waters fall from the faucet, i hold back my trembling voices from bursting out

02/06/2021

Jumada II 24, 1442 AH

it is good my life is, right? from the ears who knows none of the sound of my heart. from the eyes who knows none of the looks of my red crying nose. from the soul who knows none of the bearing weight i have to carry. i’m in pain, i really am. have you ever asked about something and you get it right away? have you ever needed something and you won’t need to worry right after you say it? have you ever cried because of the pain you have to endure for you have no choices to take? two nos and one yes, respectively, for me.

i lost words to express all these emotions i have inside my chest, it is very hurtful that i don’t know where to begin with. oh Allah this is for the best, but how much longer i have to bear it? i have to wake up feeling it all over again? i have to wake up feeling i have no one to share this sorrow with? oh Allah please forgive me and remove all my sins, all my wrongs and all the things i’ve done that is so sinful. oh Allah.. please let me see the bright side of this life i’m living now..

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why am i running away?

01/24/2021

Jumada II 11, 1442 AH

i found myself running away, again. to escape from the feelings i catched on my journey. i can’t seem to take it any longer and choose a different path in hope i finally can forget and live my life peacefully. but did you know, all the turns i took to run away from you precisely bring me closer to you, to think about you, all over again. why am i running away? why can’t i confront you and say what i really feel? why would i wait for you to say it? to approach me, one more time? why? why am i scared.. of the hurt. i’m scared.. i’m scared of your response. of your, everything, i’m scared but i want to be with you. i don’t know how can i fix this, but if you don’t let me fix what is broken, the broken part will still be there. let’s fix it, please? i won’t repeating the same mistakes. i won’t.

i happen to find your photographs i took when we were still in college. did you remember? you didn’t really like taking any portraits that time, you still don’t, right? i took so many pictures while you were talking and you tried to block the camera with your hand but there was a smile in those pictures, what i wish to see from you, to give me one. your laugh. your voice. or simply just your presence beside me.

those times you’d message me to make the call and you laughed with hearing me laughing and you said it sounded like a voice of a ghost. do you remember? those times when i held back my tears from falling because i didn’t want you to listen to my trembling voices. you made me vent without me asking for it. you listened to me, to my nonsense and personal talk. oh those times are so precious, can we have them again?

i didn’t expect it will be this long, to reminisce our memories. i thought we didn’t really have much of it, but, there’s still a new memories of you that comes to my mind, and there’s no end to it. you’re the most difficult labyrinth i have had entered in my life and we will be teaming up to make it feel like home.

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brace yourself

11/19/2020

Rabiʻ II 4, 1442 AH

have you ever came to terms to fully understand yourself, in and out, what makes you happy, what do you want and everything related to your own self?

if you have, congratulations, so proud of you to come that far. i assume you already choose yourself, before anyone and anything. and of course, you love yourself for every bright and dark it has.

for me, not really, yet. at least this exact time i wrote this.

this branch of my journey still working its way out, to finally find its stable light to see through the heavy rain.

i have this extreme of unstable mood swings people won’t understand, and it’s also affecting the way i think, act, and somehow everything in my life, my own world you’re not allowed to enter in all those times when it gets bad because trust me, you don’t want to get involved.

life isn’t always good to me, so as people: their words and their behaviors. think they’re smart enough and assuming they understand me and can read me easily. you know what? they are wrong, completely, because me, myself sometimes can’t even understand my way of actions until i did it. i had no idea my opinions or my reactions or my actions will affect people in a way i don’t want them to be.

then you will come to question, what is it going to do with me and you?

if you’re already sure you’re ready and we can both trust each other,

in this journey of mine, i ask you to be patience with me, help me and be with me in this time i’m learning to understand myself better. but i can’t promise you that there won’t be any storms, dark weathers and tsunamis because that’s me, i’m not gonna always be a sunshine, looks like summer hot, or even warm sunset in Florida but i can promise you there will be rainbows after my hurricanes. all i ask is you, to be patience with me. no rushing me, because rush won’t last.

and before you enter my kingdom, i want to apologize and ask you to forgive me for every shortcomings you’re about to experience. i hope you’re meant to be, i really do.

ps. remind me to give you a boost every time i hit my happy spot.

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to everyone who gave up on me

11/17/2020

Rabiʻ II 2, 1442 AH

thank you for coming. thank your for giving me your precious time to spend with me. thank you for making me experience emotions. i won’t come this far without yall, the lessons.

i think about this a lot, about why did you come if you plan to leave in the end? why did you not telling me the reasons? i can understand if we’re still a teenager or not with our ages now. but how did you do it? why i should be facing the cowards who didn’t want to fight? from seven billions people in this world, why the cowards whom i should catch a feeling for?

i’m gonna say it, i’m gonna say the word. i’m tired. do yall think is it easy for me to open up? to like someone? or in love? i’m not like the kind of girls who welcomes every guy, i’m clearly not. i’m tired of being taken granted, and i’m not your back up plan you can come everytime you feel lonely and broke up with your exes. oh how funny is it for me to see guys playing their sweet words in front of me, think they will work and i will fall head over heels. i reject then they will go and find another. i’m not forcing you to try harder and keep trying to get me but why soon? does even all the words you say have a meaning?

i do have trust issues. in times when i finally have the courage to tell what i feel and what i want, it will end up with a read or actions that showed me what i said didn’t matter and just my unstable emotions. how? how did you do it to me? how could you ignore me being open that is not easy for me? how could you let it slide like it’s not something you should appreciate?

i made mistakes. i’m not always knowing your intentions toward me. when i welcome you, it doesn’t always mean i understand what you want. with the facts i have this closeness with guys make things difficult to some people to understand. social media isn’t my thing, i won’t blow up my private life there. the average people will think what i share is what they see, while we all know there is many sides of a story, one from the person who is involved and the friends, the family. do you think people know about the relationship you have while they are not the one who experiences it? funny, isn’t it. how is it easy to get people carried away by the rumors you just made up.

at the end of the day, this is the path i choose that somehow doesn’t cross yours this time. let’s see will we cross one another again in the future. till i see you, again.

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if you find me writing about you especially here, know that you’re really matter

11/10/2020

Rabi’ l 24, 1442 AH

I was blind, foolish me to ignore your signals. We’ve been friends for such a long time even you’re older than me and it also made us not really have much time to spend together back then. I was wrong on focusing my feelings to someone who doesn’t even think about me. It is kind of sad because it’s late for me to realize your intentions. I apologize for my reckless joke that made you avoiding me.

I had no idea it would turn out like this, to make you spacing me out and slowly deleting me from your life. Why I should be the one who takes the consequences while I don’t understand it in the first place? Why would you do that and blaming me for all of this? Why? Why?? WHy???

You leave me sad, confused and wondering every delusional scenarios that went wild on my mind. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do for I have no idea how long can I stand your cold actions and words that hurting me deep into my bones. Do I deserve to feel this treatment? You answer me.

I’m old enough already and so are you, why are we not being straight to what we really want?

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Reem Kachmar | Spring/Summer 2016 Couture

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11 pm

07/10/2020

Dhuʻl-Qiʻdah 19, 1441 AH

I was happier.

They think it is easy, to live a life where everyone is a stranger for you, I finally find my home in what people called; troubled human beings. But what if they make me happier and I can be whatever I want without me feeling bad about myself?

They think it is easy to have a feeling for someone for years but can’t do anything since everyone will only care about the rich creatures while myself is not.

They think it is easy to give up your life because you choose other’s happiness, rather than your own. They think it is easy to feel alone and lonely and you have no one to count to. They think it is easy... to keep everything to yourself.

I just want to feel needed and wanted without hidden intentions. I just want.. to be happy and loved. Is it too much to ask for?

They think it is easy to hurt by everyone because you’re very caring and think about everything. They think it is easy to have an empathetic trait and you’re that people pleaser type.

They think it is easy to live a life in a shoe where you have trust crisis because you don’t get much enough support from people around you.

They think it is easy just because you don’t complain. They think it is easy when you know you have privileges but they don’t give you as much as you should or they can afford.

They think it is easy, they think it is easy because you’re always laughing and joking around. They think it is easy to hide your depression and how you really feel.

They think it is easy to handle everything on your own, they think it is easy to cry in the middle of the night without any slight voices can be heard.

They think it is easy to take question about the swollen eyes you have in the daylight. They think it is easy, they think it is easy..

They think it is easy because you always appear strong. They think it is easy.. they think it is easy.

They think it is easy to be ignored and rejected by everyone. They think it is easy to always try to be presence but you got no one in time it’s you in that position.

They think it is easy because they don’t see it from your eyes. They think it is easy because you only show the happy chapters.

They think it is easy because what they see one hundred percent different from what is really happening.

They think it is easy, they think it is easy.

I’m depressed. I’m broken. I’m tired.

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“I’m a dream”

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dear unknown

05/07/2020

Ramadan 14, 1441 AH

Hundreds of days passed by, but I’m still here waiting for you. There’s this thing I want you to know that I, too, am in love with your family. Weird, isn’t it? I don’t know but I think it isn’t. Because that’s just how love supposed to be. We’re not only loving the person but all related to one. Even the imperfections, the madness, and on the whole. Perhaps people will think I’m delusional for having this deep unchangeable feelings about you. But it’s real. It’s here, you can feel it too, right? Missing you is very hurtful. But it’s all it takes before we’re finally together. I’m gonna be strong, just like you are over there.

Many times I got myself wondering why is it you? The more I’m searching for the answer the more I couldn’t find one. There’s always things you couldn’t explain and mine happened to be question about you. But your warmth and supportive traits are my most favorite. Oh I forgot that beautiful smile you have, with the lines under your eyes following after. You’re so very beautiful, inside and out.

You’ll always be forever in my prayers, Nathan. I can’t thank you enough, of this experience of love I never have felt before. I’m very grateful Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala send me you to be my half in this temporary world. Let’s get closer to Our Creator who created us in pairs so we can meet again in His Jannah. We must set that goal to be our first priority.

I promise you to stick with you no matter what, the way you stick with me no matter what. It’s not only about me, but you’re included, it’s us. Us living together with another human beings. Not everyone treat us right, treat us the way we want to be treated but I’m happy that we’re learning about treating each other with compassion, softness and patience. I’m grateful we’re growing together, learning together, or just being together.

Fii amanillah, my person! Can’t wait for the day you’re officially being called a Captain! I love you. ♡

Bismillah.. Allahumma shalli ala sayyidina muhammad wa ala ali sayyidina muhammad. Aamiin.

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happiest birthday to you

11/02/19

Rabi al-Awwal 4, 1441 AH

Today is the day. The day I’ve been waiting for. Happiest birthday to you, my love. Even though I can’t celebrate it with you this year, my presence isn’t there yet, my pray is only just for you. I hope you the best things in life. Be happier and more healthy everyday. Wish you’re getting stronger so you can face any struggle that may come in your way. I wish you joy and happiness surround yourself today and after. Be more mature and more patience through many thick and thin. Be much more patience to wait for me to come. I love you, fight with me. ♡

Bismillah.. Allahumma shalli ala sayyidina muhammad wa ala ali sayyidina muhammad. Aamiin.

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01.39 am

10/27/19

Safar 28, 1441 AH

Day 294: 23 times of dreams already. I love you.

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“There is poetry in my head and my heart since I have been in love with you. You are a Poem.”

— Nathaniel Hawthorne, from a letter to Sophia Peabody c. December 1839