digitalprayers

[digitalprayers]

hating myself ironically because I hated myself for far too long.

hating myself because I realized I hated myself.

[digitalprayers]

It hits me like a gasp of air

Like a... promising smile, the one you can't share but you can trust in.

[digitalprayers]

who do I mourn for, that I didn't choose love?

Whose tears do I cry?

What do I say, and to whom, to repair damage beyond damage?

Scars of things I can't remember because of what it meant to forget.

When does it end?

Ontological sleepyhead, the fence never looked so cozy.

Giving up by... living?

Letting go by.... caring?

Holding onto.... what?

Setting free.... who?

How do you repent from something that you cannot fathom you've done? How do you put into words things that make sense in your head but you know are false? How come every attempt at explaining this ends up backwards? What are my intentions? What have I done?

what can I do to stop doing this?

[digitalprayers]

afraid I would hurt

afraid I would sin against you

certain I would be in your kingdom.

_______________

I hurt you.

I called sin good

I will never attain your kingdom.

_______________

How patient you had been with me.

How loving and fair.

How kind were your words to me.

I may never know.

I may never remember, doomed to cease.

___________________

Your mercies were confusing to me

Your love felt too secure.

______________

I denied you, my God.

I denied you. Lord of Lords.

_________________

Even now, I hear myself think I might be worthy.

How can I be confident in anything except your love?

How can I be content while I live on this earth?

____________________________________

May I love others?

May I share your goodness?

May I be a vessel of your love?

after all I've done?

after I betrayed myself?

after I attacked and slandered you?

[digitalprayers]

“You remember your first love because they show you, prove to you, that you can love and be loved, that nothing in this world is deserved except for love, that love is both how you become a person and why.”

— John Green (Turtles All the Way Down)

[digitalprayers]

He is the light in the darkness.

[digitalprayers]

lord let all my prayer to you be true prayer.

let me want to see you always.

let me grow in love and discernment with that love.

let me be with you always.

all my prayer is true prayer.

let me not want to run from my sins.

let me not want

[digitalprayers]

There is no sorrow enough to cover my slight towards you Lord Jesus.

There is no hope outside of your love.

My words condemn me, and my heart is futile.

My heart is rotten, and I can offer you nothing.

Make me new, my lord. You make me new.

You do new things every moment.

You make the moments themselves.

You are the only reward I could want.

Your love and your grace surpass all understanding.

Your preciousness is sweeter than all the flowers I could dream of.

I could imagine your forgiveness far exceeding my slights.

I pray for a sound mind, and a clean heart upon my death.

I believe that your mercy is true.

My words can still glorify you.

Im of no use without you.

You are everything I could want.

Glory be to you, forever and ever.

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.

[digitalprayers]

To Die is to gain.

he that began a good work in me, will carry it out to completion.

[digitalprayers]

I'm having thoughts that I'm not good enough.

I can't give God anything.

I'm not good enough.

I'll never be good enough.

not being good enough is how you celebrate christ.

my problem is that I want to be good enough.

my problem is that I'm not relying on christ.

my problem is that I think I can be above sin in this life.

My problem is a lack of faith.

my problem is confusing good thoughts and actions with being good enough.

I am trusting the serpent.

I should be trusting God.

after this life, after I'm dead. That's when I will see God.

I fear death when I shouldnt.

I equate all sin with sin that leads to death.

Jesus Christ is the way, the truth and the life.

I am spiritually sick, and God will always heal me.

there is no force forcing me to think these things.

I need to first accept that I am sick.

I need to accept that there is a way out. and that way is jesus christ.

I don't need to shy away from him, ever.

I'm afraid of his rebuke when I don't need to be. ever.

it is my prayer to the lord, that he would forever put my mind at rest.

today, time is relative,

the conclusion drawn is destruction of self and loss to the serpent.

I simply, do not need to ever. ever think I am out of control.

I have self control.

I can make mistakes. these mistakes are not permanent.

It is my prayer that I am pulled out of this loop before it begins, in the name of my lord Jesus Christ.

[digitalprayers]

I'm looking for there to be any reason to not hope because it would be more convenient that way.

if there is no hope at least I can be right

if there is no hope than at least it isnt my fault.

but there is hope, therefore there is a consequence to my actions.

[digitalprayers]

I don't need to sin.

I dont need to feel the fear im feeling.

it will be better than I can imagine.

because I can and will, imagine better.

[digitalprayers]

I can think of every combination of thought, action and reaction possible.

It doesn't matter for me.

I can only enjoy the moment and make choices based on what's in front of me.

I can only appreciate life, and not sin.

[digitalprayers]

The bible taught self regulation for the sake of us to learn in real time how to think kindly.

we are in a place now where the thoughts and experiences we have shape us to be neurotic and self centered.

in OTHER news. we are more well versed in psychology. now more than ever.

I must use these new skills to be bettter at understanding and loving God.

[digitalprayers]

I am going to live a fulfilling life, one that includes myself being loving, hopeful, and faithful.

A life where I choose to not feel any fear.

I am responsible for my thoughts and actions.

I made a mistake last night, I chose wrong.

I ask the lord to bring my mind back to what I should be. my truest self.

I don't need to feel evil. I know that I am justified freely through christ jesus.

I am able to break this cycle.

I am having feelings of fear and doubt because its what I am most comfortable with.

I will become comfortable in this reality, the sky is the limit.

[digitalprayers]

If I dont want to do something, I dont have to do it

If I dont want to feel fear, I dont have to feel fear.

if I dont want to feel doubt, I dont have to feel doubt

if I dont want to feel lust and shame, I don't have to feel lust and shame.

if I dont want to hate people and have hateful thoughts, I dont have to hate people or have hateful thoughts.

I dont HAVE to be this way.

I CAN and WILL be better.

[digitalprayers]

I find my thoughts drifing towards evil things, things that I fear.

catasrphizing and cptsd

Life is not black and white, its a rainbow of color

my values are hidden behind my trauma.

I'm too hard on myself and I find myself feeling extreme fear and having distorted thoughts when its completely unnecessary