diaryyha

[diaryyha]

[diaryyha]

its time to suck something long and big

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[diaryyha]

It was exhausting, the way you kept dragging me through your mess. All your back and forth, your mixed up emotions, your complete inability to ever know exactly what you want, and being completely ignorant to who you hurt - it was just too much. Loving you was tiring and even through all that, when you finally decided what you wanted, it wasn’t me. Now you want to know if we’re okay, but how do you think that made me feel?

[diaryyha]

Real

Are you real

or are you just in my head?

You are too good to be true

Why do you stay with me?

How can you stay this long?

Are you even real?

Am I in love with you

or my impression of you?

[diaryyha]

Baggage

This post was originally posted on my WordPress on 12 Aug 2018.

Selamat 1 tahun, jazzkesayangan.

(Post ini berbahasa Inggris karena… pengen aja.)

The only reason why I’m writing this is because I’m going through one of the worst PMS I’ve had in my life and it has successfully made me feel really shitty today.

Shitty how?

Shitty as in, it makes me a self-destructive person. Except the self-harm I commit isn’t physical at all.

I tend to bring myself to the past, to one certain unpleasant memory that I know full well, I should have moved on from, by now. (By the way, I don’t have any intention to throw shade whatsoever).

It was a breakup. A vague one, to be exact, since I had to make sure if it was actually it. (haha). And if the person is reading this right now, please know that this isn’t about you. I’m writing this for me.

To be completely honest, the breakup wasn’t even the saddest part. It was the phase prior, and the stage after. It was slowly losing each other.  Realising that something might have gone wrong. In the back of my mind, somehow, I always knew we were going to end at some point. (Or maybe I’m just a really negative person. 🤔 )

Thus began the journey of my enormous baggage. Will I ever be (good) enough for the people that I care about?

Even before the breakup, I already had that baggage, it just got bigger after. It came from the people around us, friends asking me silly crap like, “I don’t see what he sees in you,” and in return I would laugh and say, “Me neither”. But then I would look at myself in the mirror and think, “I don’t see it,” I’m not pretty. After that, I would look at my academic transcript and think, “I definitely don’t see it,” I’m not bright. Finally I would tell jokes to my friends and think “I’m super lost now,” I’m not funny either.

Time has passed and I often still find myself thinking Will I ever be (good) enough for the people that I care about? They are the best thing in life but I keep telling myself I don’t deserve them. I always doubt myself and I hate that I can’t run away from this.

I’m worried that this might drive The person that I care for the most, away from me. If this was an actual real-life baggage, I wish I could just leave it for the Lost-n-Found to find and keep. It exceeds my checked baggage allowance anyway.

[diaryyha]

no hard feelings, I expected it from you.

You’re impossible to love

Impossible to hold onto when you run like that

You’re too self-absorbed, too tragic and neurotic to ever be more for someone else

Too lonely and deeply insecure to ever be more than a fling

And it was my mistake for seeing more in you when I shouldn’t have

You’re impossible to love

Impossible to hold onto

Impossible to want forever with because every time the opportunity of more presents itself

You run.

Without fail, every time.

You run.

-a.a.

[diaryyha]

this just had to be done because ios photos is an absolute bitch

[diaryyha]

“And I’ll listen” she said. “No matter how each word could break every piece of my heart. I’ll taste every reason why you fell in love with someone who’s not me.” she sighed and uttered, “That’s my way of accepting the truth. I just need you to say it. Tell me you don’t want me anymore. Tell me you aren’t going to look back once you leave me alone. For the last time, please be honest with me. Say that you don’t love me anymore.”

Because I still do // ma.c.a

[diaryyha]

“We all have our scars from loving someone too deeply. From wanting to protect someone too much.”

— Mei Tachibana, Say I Love You (via perrfectly)

[diaryyha]

I am sorry"

“Why are you apologizing?”

I sigh and turn to face away from him.

“I’m sorry that you have to put up with me, with all my insecurities, my unpredictable mood swings my constant meltdowns about how I’m never good enough….”

He kissed me gently on my lips before placing his index finger upon them to stop me from speaking another degrading word.

“Don’t ever apologise for being the woman you are, I love all that about you and more you never need to worry about all those unnecessary things they are nothing but background noise.

- Tenari Ioapo

[diaryyha]

We broke up

but I lost you

long before that.

Mar // blind.

[diaryyha]

New Letter (to A New Recipient)

7/2 9:17pm (🎶: She & Him – Fools Rush In)

To my best friend (who is now my boyfriend),

I was honestly surprised when you told me you loved me. We had been doing what couples do for a bit yet it felt normal for me even when we were merely (best) friends. I knew I cared about you and I felt comfortable being with you, but I had accepted the possibility of us just staying friends. Perhaps it was because I had always been friends with guys I liked and I managed to move on eventually as the feelings were never mutual.

You know that I hated disliked you in the beginning, I only stayed with you after volunteering at the bbq lunch because we were the only ones left there, I would feel guilty if I left you alone. But then I realised you weren’t that bad, I didn’t have to pretend to like you anymore.

Now that we’re actually going out, I guess it’s safe to say that I do love you. I’ve had feelings for you for a long while but I kept it bottled up because I felt like you would never like me like that.

Strangers’ stares make me feel uncomfortable but having you next to me makes it somewhat bearable. And no, walking down the streets with you doesn’t make me feel embarrassed at all, I don’t know if you noticed but I only wear my cap when it’s really sunny. I don’t wear it because I don’t want people to see me.

I know I’ve said it but I’ll say it again: I’m really grateful for knowing you. I’m glad that we’re together now. You’re a wonderful, caring, and selfless human being, I’ll try not to be jealous when other girls are hitting on you hahah.

Well, I don’t think I have anything else to say.

Lurv you, T🤗

[diaryyha]

“I need to go,” I whisper. But I don’t move. His head falls forward onto mine and I let my hands rest on his lower abdomen. I grin a little at the shudder that echoes through him at my touch. It seems fairer this way. He shouldn’t get to leave composed when he’s left me so thoroughly unraveled. I used to look down on level-headed girls who become a mass of contradictions like they don’t know damn well they should leave the boy breaking their heart. God, I was an idiot. Around him, I become an incoherent stream of inverted question marks and half-hearted periods and even those fly out the window when his hands are on me. “I thought you were leaving,” he says after a long moment. I laugh sadly. “Yeah, I thought so too.” Sighing, I pull away and head for the door. “Ree- ” “You know that nickname never made any damn sense - ” “Ree, ” he drawls, looking every bit as arrogant and devastatingly handsome as the first day I met him. “What?” I ask, voice raising a little higher than intended. “Why aren’t we still together?” I suck in a surprised breath. “Honestly? Some days, I ask myself the same question, ” I admit for the first time out loud. “Some of my favorite memories are with you.” I smile indulgently at the thought of the many lazy afternoons and weekend adventures spent in his arms. Even now as I leave, a part of me wishes I could stay. “But that isn’t enough,” I clear my throat loudly, “not anymore.” I know he wants me to say more but I don’t know who that would help. Because the truth is that no amount of love changes the fact that he is careless with other people.   “Ok,” he says softly. I think he knows that for me, there’s nothing left to be said. So I leave, wishing it felt better even though I knew it wouldn’t. My momma always said it was better to be the one who leaves. She didn’t tell me how remarkably similar it feels to being left.

L.A.L. || excerpt from The Truth About Leaving (via writing-in-the-wings)

[diaryyha]

maybe this is it. the story ends here the ink is used up you can no longer write even though you aren’t nearly  finished and even if there’s still so much paper left

ck.writes (on Instagram)

[diaryyha]

A Timeline

I wrote this back in 2017.

9 October.

-

2 years ago

I remember us getting pretty close, I told you my problems and how you handled my instability was admirable. You seemed to accept all my flaws, being the best friend someone could possibly have. when I realised I was catching feelings for you, I knew right away: you were out of my league. I knew ‘us’ would never happen. I knew I was stupid to repeat the same old mistake.

1 year ago

It was the closest we had ever been. I slowly got tired of you for whatever reason, but I kept on telling you how my days went, even when you didn’t ask. My walls were already down by then, but little did I know, you remained Mystery. It was always impossible to read your mind. It felt like we wouldn’t get anywhere, I wanted us to end. You planned so far ahead, you forgot what you had then. You knew I adored you, what you didn’t know was how fast my feelings changed. You thought it was no need to put in any effort, since I would love you nevertheless. Well hey, guess what, you were fucking wrong.

When I left for Australia

I remember quiet clearly how sad we were, in my mum’s car. You told me to call you on Skype once I got to where I was supposed to be. I did. I called you pretty late at night when i had an orientation the next morning. It went well for a while. we would always spare one day a week to sit in front of the monitor, talking about random yet interesting shit with each other. It was fun. Up until one of us got too busy. Well, I guess it’s safe to say that you did. I didn’t want to bother you so I stayed quiet, when all I wanted to do was call you and see your stupid pretty face.

Several months ago

Having to reply to you had become exhausting. Choosing the right words, finding a topic so we could still have a reason to speak, but one-bubble-chat that got replied within hours (days, even) was all we did best.

A few months back

Talking to you was a fucking. burden. Our chat room was about some random crap I didn’t want to talk about. We kept up with it anyway. I had seen it coming. us drifting apart didn’t surprise me at all. Knowing you and your lack of effort, I knew it would come to this. your naive self didn’t want this to happen but your arrogant mind did nothing to keep this from occurring.

A few weeks ago 

I had to stop the conversation with you. I hated waiting and I didn’t want to make you wait, too. Perhaps you didn’t know that I had been busy with volunteering if i didn’t say anything on Twitter or Instagram. Yes, i didn’t tell you anything about it because I could sense you were losing interest in what was going on with my life. I had my guards back up, just as you always did. When you would write something sad on any platform, I would ask you what was wrong. You always said nothing, or you’d give too little information, I got confused. You were just as bad as a 14 year old teenage girl who got mad at her boyfriend for not buying her a happy meal. And at that time I knew: I had to let you go.

end 

You were an enigma. The one that’s impossible to solve. You never trusted me enough, you had your guards up all the damn time. There were times when you would show that you were sad, but those only made me feel bad for not treating you right. I’m sorry I left you without any words, but I’ll explain everything to you in person. I’m sorry everything was unclear to you, but you never bothered to ask anyway. I’m sorry I failed us.

[diaryyha]

2017.

16/12 5:46am (🎶Reality Club – Elastic Hearts)

Okay so this time I’m not gonna say “it has been a while” and list my excuses. Indeed I have been caught up in some things. Mainly because I haven’t really had anything in mind to write about, so I thought I’d put it off until the end of this year.

So… I started off this year by seeing fireworks show in Circular Quay, Sydney. Nothing really happened in the beginning of this year, though. I was in a long distance relationship with the so-called high school sweetheart until we decided to split up late this year.

For me, it didn’t hurt that much when we broke up. I was glad he brought it up because I knew I wouldn’t be able to even beat around the bush. I’m not gonna say our relationship didn’t mean a thing though, it was the first real thing I’ve had and I’m grateful that we happened.

To be honest, I feel much better now that I’m out of the relationship. It wasn’t toxic but I guess it was… to me. It somehow held me back from the good things in life (okay this sounds like an exaggeration, I know). I noticed how it was difficult for me to make friends because I thought guys who talked to me only wanted to hit on me (which wasn’t even remotely true, duh). After I have mentally let you go, I managed to find me a really good friend.

I also think I’m probably better off alone. I went to see Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi a couple days ago by myself and I didn’t feel lonely at all. When I was still in a relationship, believe me when I say I hated seeing lovey-dovey couples. Now that I’m already out, I have no problems with them. I only wish the best for them.

So… yeah. I guess that’s about it. Bye

[diaryyha]

The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.

Law of Attraction

(via kushandwizdom)