diaryoftypist

[diaryoftypist]

Kinda lost

Im in a much better place than before. I know that. Im married to the loml. Im almost done with my studies and everything. but i feel like shit rn. idk why.

why do i have the constant need to be validated by others? Why is my self esteem so freaking low? why cant i just be content and confident? WHy cant i be entertained just by being with myself? WHy do I have the urge, the need to keep posting things to the outside world. wantnig to let it out without actually being in close contact with anyone? what do we call this behaviour?

I’m tired of having those traits. I sometimes feel like such an ungrateful asshole. i mean, what else can I get? I should be so much more content than this.

SOmetimes i feel I try so so hard all the time, that I’m living such a hard life. At other times I feel like I’m a hypocrite. That I’m just lazy. That many people are having a so much harder time. WHy am I being such a baby about everything?

The contradiction in everything kills meeeee

sometimes it feels like a disease. I want to recover. I want peace of mind.

WHy i do I get so much anxiety? why am I like that? what do I need to do to just get over it and grow up more. To man up, and have a better emotional tolerance.

Why do I become such a baby even if I get criticism at work for instance.

God help me.

I’m not even in a good place religiously. I’m not putting an effort. maybe i’m burnt out. I dont know. I’m definitely tired.

God I hope everything csn become better. I hope I can become a better person.

[diaryoftypist]

Forever confused?

2022. Ive grown, oh how I’ve grown! Most of all i’ve grown to realize how cruel life is. How selfish humans are. And how so many things that happen are just unfair. And that maintaining a positive state of mind, and not giving in to all fears and the negativeness is just a very tough challenge. I started a new life this year with my love. I kinda changed career. I’m learning all thee time like always. And as time passes Im coming into so many shitty realizations. I’m not loved. I don’t have true friends. No one gives a fuck about me. My personality is probably not the best to be around. It’s like I repel people or have a major turn off. I just can’t put my hands on it. I’m always all about finding what’s not working and well making it work. But with this, I came to a dead wall. It’s like one of my worst fears being realized. Even people who are supposed to be the closest to me, they’re not really fond of me. They wouldn’t mind going months without hearing from me. And here I am whining and letting it out about that on the platform that I know no one on, because well, I still don’t want to post such words, maybe someone gets hurt. Yet, I’m the one hurting the most. I’m lucky tho I cant really complain, I have a guy who loves me so dearly. This i’m sure of. And family that well maybe loves me enough. My mind keeps thinking and overthinking this all. maybe this is enough? Maybe I’m not supposed to have friends. I remember at times, I used to be surrounded by so many people that seemed to love me so back then. But as I overthink, I keep on wondering, did they really love me? or what around me made them stick? Maybe they loved my sisters, and I just came with the package? Maybe they just wanted anyone to spend their time with?” I think being unloved is my worst nightmare. And I keep feeling it over and over again Right now I call people best friends that I know nth about. I say some are close, yet I don’t trust them not really no. It’s sad. SO sad. Maybe This is PMS talking. Maybe it’s not. I hope I get better. I hope I realize what’s important in life, and remove everything else from my heart. nth deserves such attention and heartache. I hope my hearts gets fixed next year. And this cloud over my head clears away.

Here’s to a 2023 that holds our peace of mind.

[diaryoftypist]

satisfaction comes from within. i believe that so much. no matter what you do, how much you own, what you achieve, it’s still up to your inner self to be satisfied, content and happy.

i feel like i’ve lost this satisfaction. Along with loss of passion.

life is super overwhelming. i feel like i’m doing many things wrong, idk what to change but i need to change ao many things. i wanna rethink stuff. i want to rethink my life. rethink my ways. i seek content from people. i put so much burden on my fiance to give me so much love and attention all the time. i expect so much from him all the time. it must be super tiring for him.

he used to love me so much, he kept trying to get me. but when we’re finally together, my clingy nature, my constant comments on everything he ever does, my nagging, my asking for constant love and attention in all their forms, they kinda changed the way he treats me. i don’t feel like the precious girl he once made me feel like. i know people get used to each others, and it’s only the spark of the beginning. But it’s also because of me and how i act. i believe so. and it took me to understand that. sigh.

now i kinda understand all the wrongs i do. in all aspects rly.  my work life isn’t the best too.

But what can i do? i wanna know what is the right routine to live life? what should i do?

I feel like i need to think over all my habits and actions from the start again. figure out what needs to be tweaked. and start changning my life again.

i also have to stop this consumerist i’ve become. try to be happy with what i have. work for better purposes. save up for later. collect memories not objects. conserve my valued friendships. become a better person. give more. accept more. love more. be more easy. and accept the fact that not everything is best the way i see it. it doesn’t have to be my way. God knows best. God will make it all better. All i gotta do is accept, accept, accept. I know all that. It’s just easier said than done. Maybe I haven’t been doing my best. Maybe i can do more.

I can and i will. Inshallah I will. I won’t get so sad about silly stuff. actually I won’t let anything get me sad. I’m not HSP anymore. It’s a decision. I won’t be. I’m a grown up, with a mature mindset. I will accept, with content. Inshallah

[diaryoftypist]

Digital seclusion

IDK why but coming here to Tumblr is the equivalent of going somewhere secluded. But digitally. Where I know, no one i know is here. Yet it's somewhere. it's not like writing in my notebook.

I so used to letting my thoughts out one way of another. I'm used to always act. I recently realized how much of an active person I am. I find it so hard to have a thought, or see that some action needs to be done and instead do nothing. And it honestly boggles me that so many people do that. That so many people find my way the weird way.

Anyways. This past year, I've grown so much. I've had so many enlightening moments. I came to many sad realizations. I understood so many things about me in particular. I realized I'm not that loved. I mean that kind of deep love and connection. I think I have this connection with like 5 people/ 7 people tops. And what's apparent, what I used to think is that I have a lot of friends. Untrue. All fake. I kinda lack true friendships. I think I don't know how to do it. to be friends. It's good i have siblings. they kinda gotta stick with me, right? but like, yeah, I fail so miserably at this friendship thingy. And i'm not even only talking about friendship, I'm talking about even the people i deal with daily. It's like somehow I manage to make them not like me. Not knowing why. It just sucks. It makes me really sad to realize this.

One other new realization is that people suck. And I should try to please anybody. Convenient enough, since as i said before I apparently don't have that many people to hurt or not hurt.

Anyways, this is a very hard time for me. I'm trying to endure with minimal loses. But maybe i'm just not that strong.

till more night thoughts,

bye diary

[diaryoftypist]

My whole fucking problem is that I fucking understand. I can see very clearly everything. conclusion is everyone is a bitch. except those that are true genuine muslims. This religion is truly great. We’re so foolish not to abide by it. It makes us genuinely good. God is great. The idea of doing things for God not for people. The idea of puting a Godly intention in every single thing we do, corrects us. corrects our actions. Purifies us to the core. God is great. And we are nothing. we are foolish. 

[diaryoftypist]

Tryinna get my shit together. Tryyinna be in control. Tho no one is ever in control. I’m just drained and tired all the time. Trying to pass this.

Nothing is ever as it seems. People have got to realize this.

God give me strength, wisdom and acceptance.

[diaryoftypist]

Shaping life

I am at this part of my life when the big title should be SHAPING. I'm shaping things. Shaping my life. My career. My love life. My character. The way I spend my time. My habits. My standards and morals. My reputation. My connections. Frankly everything.

And well, it gets overwhelming at times. I know that. I feel that. Sometimes I realize it and in a way it makes me happy.

I like it. i like shaping my life even at the tiniest details. I like finally having my opinion in how and what I do with what's around me. Gives me a sense of self, that's really not bad.

But there's the other side of the coin. The incredible fears. The fealing of "holly shit I'm an adult now, I'm responsible for myself and soon a husband and even soon maybe an offspring. A whole life with the complete meaning of a family that I gotta take care of and raise. The feeling that I'm the old one now. I'm the one that's going to provide the comforting not the one who gets it. I'm the old one now, the one that's legally responsible for the work I provide. Dealing with real patients, that can sew me any second. But I don't like thinking of that side of the coin.

It just pops up every once in a while during those sleepless long nights or while pmsing. other than that, I plaster the coin at my favorite happy side, and think of myself as a happy active blessed person.

[diaryoftypist]

Astray

Since a very long time, I’ve had this idea, this given that I am different. That I am like no other. Everyone’s been feeding me this idea even since i was so little. That I am talented in everything. That I am the most clever. The most intelligent. If anyone can do it then it’s me. I used think that was the best parenting. But now coming to think of it, it exhausts me. because it’s not true. I am never the best, and I know it. Yet, I’m told otherwise. I never get the satisfaction with myself. I am never 100% convinced of myself as anything. I can see talent. but nothing more. no excellence. And I’ve struggling forever to accept myself knowing I’m not good enough. For me to realize now that it’s totally okay not to be. It’s completely normal to not be the best. To be just normal. And it’s not a bad thing. And that I don’t have to keep pushing my brain so hard and giving myself such a hard time when I can’t excel everything ever, because it’s simply not possible.

I’m trying hard to reverse theses effects. I keep now telling myself that I am normal. And I am well.

I’m still in the journey of self discovery and it’s fine as well. yeah, I’m getting so much older and the pressure I’m putting on myself is increasing. It lead me to go through very weird paths for me. Strange to my personality. I was lead astray. But I think I’m starting to understand.

I’ll try as well to enjoy my journey to this understanding.

[diaryoftypist]

confusion

sometimes I feel so ungrateful. “If i am hesitant then it’s not what i want” is a sentence I tell myself a lot. And scares the shit out of me. because I often find myself hesitant. oh my god i’m so tired of myself.

I’m loved and i’m blessed and here i am super doubtful and ungrateful. what the hell is that?

I’m scared of the missing wow factor. I really need it. rly want it. sigh.

I can ask god everything and god can grant me everything i want. it’s not too much. so i shall ask. and i shall have faith. i believe this is whats good for me. i chose upon very good values. the very crucial values. and thus inshalah god shall grant me what i want.

i know i haven’t been my best self especially the last period. but i repented. and i’m very regretful. and i have faith. especially in those holy days. God help me. God please me. yarab.

[diaryoftypist]

a stop

I don’t know where can I begin talking.  I haven’t been being my best self. In fact, I think I reached the lowest point in my life. I feel disgusted at myself. I feel like shit. I also feel like a hypocrite. I feel sad. I feel guilty. I feel dirty. I feel like shit.

This is a new challenge I’ve been struggling with lately. I’ve not being the best religiously yesterday, I reached a low point and did sth bad. I exceeded my limits with my fiance. I now don’t know how to react. how to repent. I feel like shit. but it shouldn’t pass. 

I’m taking a pause on us. I need to re-evaluate everything. This shouldn’t pass easily. I’m better than this. we’re better than this. I feel like God is not blessing us because of this. or isn’t he. idk. Am I really blinded that much by love? Are we even a good fit? I feel like I need to reevaluate everything.

I should write down everything that bothers me. And I should use my brain not heart, because eventually all those things will re-surface. It’s better that they re-surface now.

I should lay out all the ground rules. 

I should take a stand.

I should repent hard. I should create new good habits to erase the bad ones.

I should stay strong, and accept whatever results from these actions. This all happens for my greater good.

[diaryoftypist]

My mom always says “there is baraka in waking up early”. I used to think it was her way of motivating us to wake up early. Didn’t fuly grasp the fact that this is so damn true until very recently.

I’ve been waking up early for 2 weeks now and I gotta say, so much baraka I can’t even! It’s like every hour feels like 3 hours of time. So much gets done in those early hours of the morning.

Today, I’m reminded by that extra due to the fact that I woke up at 5 am, which is so new to me. I used to wake up at 10 and only because I’m obliged to.

I just wanted to blog about how it feels amazing to wake up this early, finish all the work, studying, organizing on my mind so early in the day, before the stress and anxiety kick in. I hope everyone can do that too.

I’m currently in a very stressful period. It’s the beginning of finals month! (or month and a half) I’m honestly so glad it’s here because that means that vacation is near. However, I’m no way near ready, by all means, to be having final exams. Some subjects I don’t even know the titles of the content. But I try to relax, take a deep breath and remind myself that it always passes.

The new motto of my life these days is that I AM IN CONTROL.

I am in control of my life. (of course after God). I won’t let the chain of life take control of how I live it. I sorted my life, thought of the things that make me anxious and stressed, or gave me any sign of unhappiness, and decided to get rid of them.

I quit a job that I hated, even though it gave me the most money I get. I started sth I wanted to start from a long time ago. I started confronting my partner more with the things that bug me to try to have a more peaceful relationship. I realised that deadline freak the hell out of me, so I started getting my jobs done way before the deadline, to be able to enjoy doing them and decrease the stress I feel. I also decided to stop talking myself down, to hype myself about what I’m doing, to try so much not to whine as it makes my problems feel way heavier.

I feel proud of myself for doing all of that. I feel like past me would feel the progress in current me.

Anyways, I gotta go keep the productivity streak alive. Morning, lovely people. xx

[diaryoftypist]

After my 26th

Today I’m 4 days and 26 years. I like my birthday a lot! It’s kind of a new beginning. With everything going on around me, starting with covid-19, the incidences to people all around me, incidences in my family, everything around, I just realised the concept of YOLO. So very much.

YOLO. You only live once. This life isn’t going to be free of hardships. It’s not going to be butterflies and rainbows. This is what Jannah is for. It’s going to be super hard. We’re going to have many ibtila’at. We’re going to suffer losses of all kinds. We’re going to be in stressful situations and conditions all the time. So, Never ever ever postpone your happiness. Happiness is a mental state. I’ve been knowing this for a while now but not truly grasping the HOWs behind it. But then somehow it just clicked. 

I’ve been being a pain in the ass drama queen, to myself firstly, and to the close people around me secondly. I just realised it doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve been whiny and annoying. And I feel like I owe everyone around me and myself an appology. It really doesn’t have to be this way.

I mean, life really is hard, but like, why be all sad and make it even harder.

I feel so positive right now! I’ll make my own rainbows. I won’t dwell on my hardships anymore. I hope I can persist on doing so. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s good enough. I mean, we have food, shelter and health. What else could I want. Super ungrateful me.

Anyways, I hope this year brings me the wisdom I need. I can feel it’s going to be legendary.

Happy birthday to me!

[diaryoftypist]

Today, I’m super thankful. I’m super thankful for God, that he made me find such a beautiful human being. It feels very overwhelming and beautiful to be in love with a beautiful hearted man. 

Today, I feel extra loving.

Alhamdulellah for everything he grants me. I’m showered with blessings. It feels so rude to be sad over the little things that bug me right now. I’m grateful I’m in this state of mind and state of heart.

I hope God evacuate me from all the shallow dunya feelings and attachments that are nothing in the bigger scope of life. 

What is money? what are clothes? What is social status? what are all things that are materialistic? even their satisfaction and happiness is too momentarily. Nothing compares to what’s held in the heart. With someone that cares deeply. With someone that devotes their time for you. With helping out people. With making an actual impact. With making someone happy. These are the true pleasures and the genuine treasures.

And Thankfully, today, I can see that crystal clear. Not in all days is one able to see with a pure heart, but when these days come, it feels very calming and soothing. I hope I get many more of those days. Especially in this holy month.

[diaryoftypist]

in control

I am in control of my life, after God of course. Nobody’s gonna do me anything. and nothing has got control over me. 

I obviously hate my job, so I will change it.

I don’t think I have the best routine, so I will change it. CEO morning and night routine commences. hahah Let’s see how it goes.

I wanna wake up everyday at 6. I wanna workout/ do some yoga every morning, journal, take a shower, have breakfast and reflect. All before I start my day.

I think that would make me happy. I will also pray al fajr along, I won’t have to wake up inside my sleep cycle for it.

mhmm, I think I got some motivation!! Let’s do thissss

I love how I just talk to myself here ;’D

xoxo

[diaryoftypist]

how true is this?

[diaryoftypist]

Self discipline

Here I am, sitting on my bed, sipping coffee and ready to face my world.

This past period has been intense on me psychologically. I’ve been going through some super tough internal wars that I think were personality shaping kinda wars. I think this is me unlocking a new personality level. 

I’ve been at war with myself regarding the person I was in my relationship, regarding my relationship itself, regarding so many negative habits that I was hung up on. I was having extreme overthinking of what I’m doing in my life, How I wanna live my life and What if I suddenly die? I mean, how far from ready am I to face God?

A few incidences helped me think those thoughts through in the right direction. It all started with this day, I was praying and suddenly I broke. I broke down in tears, asking God to help me figure things out, placing all of my vulnerability in God’s hands. At that moment I had every cell in me believe that nothing, literally NOTHING else can make my mind clear, make my heart calm, other than God himself. I prayed with utter believe and truth, and then it just happens. It’s like a sudden ray of bright light got inside me. It felt like my brain was dusty and foggy and suddenly it’s pristine. My heart felt heavy and aching, and suddenly it felt at ease. It felt happy. Just like that. It’s like it was a snap from a finger. 

At that time I felt amazing, suddenly I could think very clearly, I could see what’s bugging me and what I was being a drama queen about. It’s like God lifted this heaviness off my chest. I don’t know about you, but it felt like a miracle to me at the time.

Anyways, that day was like a turning point. After then, I started getting my shit together, especially in the relationship department. I was being a bad partner. I was not a delight. I took a pause and tried to get back to my old self, and as imagined everything started getting back to normal. I’m still super thankful. Alhamdulellah.

And then the second turning point was one day, me sitting down to watch “The social dilemma” documentary. Which talked about how social media and technology being at the tip of our fingers is kinda truly ruining our lives. I had to take another pause. Try to evaluate what’s real from what is virtual, and trust me when I tell you that so much of it was virtual, to the extent that the line between reality and virtuality was almost invisible. And there goes my second challenge, getting myself out of that virtual vicious loop that got us under its mercy. I remembered when my left side of my brain had jobs to do. When I used to have all sorts of creative time, getting it out as sketches or music or even writing down my feeling like I am, now. And somehow I blame it all on social media. Sucking up all of our time and providing us with so much useless serotonin that we get hung up on. And I actually started the challenge, which is controlled usage of social media, only 10 mins in the morning, and 10 mins at night. It’s not easy because we’re kinda addicted, but with enough will, I’m actually doing it. almost a week in the challenge right now. I even miss some of my allowed social media time because I feel better off.

And then comes the third day of important realizations. I go to this religious/ spiritual classes every once in a while. I’ve been going there my whole life, since I was in kindergarten. Anyways, We haven’t met in a long time now because of the corona situation. Last week we finally had a long awaited gathering. During these kinds of classes we do is different from what normal religious classes here do. We don’t gather to read and memorize holy words, we gather to contemplate. To think. To think why are we here on this Earth? what’s our purpose? and what should we do to be on the right track? We usually have a theme and then we brainstorm around it, with supporting Ahadith and Quran. And guess what was last week’s new theme? It was about “What if we knew that our death is soon?” Deep, huh? We all know that we can die at anytime, any day. It doesn’t have to be when we’re 80 and old. It’s a fact. Nothing new, right? But, do we really remember it all the time? I don’t think we do. I, for myself, don’t. So brainstorming around that theme, we were asked each to name one thing we think we would definitely do if we knew our ending is soon. So many things were said, so many things came to mind. All of the sins that I made came rushing after each other in the back of my mind. But just 2 things were as if written in Bold and CAPSLOCK in my mind. *STOP BINGE WATCHING*, *START PRAYING FAJR*! They were just so clear in my mind that I couldn’t think of anything else. The day was over and we went on with out lives, but those words felt like they were printed on my mind now, along with the phrase “What if I die soon?”. It’s all too bold to ignore, right?

And I was at a good connection with God these days, I felt the positive vibe of getting my life together, with the new light heart and social media-free life. I decided to do it. why wait when I know this is the right thing for me? I decided to pray AlFajr. It’s always been such a hard thing to do. Waking up inside my cycle of sleep to go make wudoo’ and pray and interrupt my precious precious sleep? It always sounded impossible. Don’t ask me how, but I’m suddenly actually doing it. I set up an alarm for 5:30 am. And I wake up, turn it off, pray and go back to sleep. Everyday ever since, except just 1 day I failed. But still, Who knew that I could do it?? honestly I’m amazed at myself. And 2 days later I started the no netflixing thingy. Honestly, to me this is the hardest out of them all. Maybe because it’s the most I’ve been hung up on. But, so far so good. so YAY me.

I feel like this is one of my golden eras. I’m writing this all right now so that if everything eventually goes up in flames I can remember that I was once doing it all, and it can be done truly. And to remind myself that it’s all about reliance on God. The greatest of all. The only way out of anything, the only way to do anything. I was reading this book that said “As long as you only have God in your heart, and all your other beloved things in your hand not your heart, you’re doing dunya right”. I understand that now very deeply. And I feel the ultimate blessing that I have right now, that is God making me see that clearly, facilitating everything for me, getting me so many gifts I can’t even count them. I’m just super thankful.

So, here’s for a change one happy diary. something that I’d like to remember.

xx

[diaryoftypist]

An epiphany

Today, I had the blessing of talking to God. Of pouring all of my problems into him. Of crying myself in prayer. Of letting all the feelings sink in and placing all my worries in his hands.

I can’t quite explain how it feels, but I can never find anything as relieving. This is the answer to everything. God has everything in his hands, and God shall do me well.

I’ve been quite distant lately. Maybe that’s why I was in this drought. That’s probably the cause. The unexplained worry. The sleepless sad nights, The extensive overthinking. It’s all because I’ve been distant. I used to be blessed with having God on my mind, and with me and guiding me all the time. I had this amazingly strong connection. I used to be fearless because of it. I just realized that and it all makes sense now. 

I have to finally admit, I’ve been bad lately. Bad and distant. Foolish enough to lose this connection. I was so lucky today to realise it all, and maybe hopefully get back to my track. Pass this dark era.

I’ve always been pristine, glowing, accomplished, spontaneous, fearless and all in all eye captivating everywhere I go. Lately I’ve been more hesitant, always stressed and worrying. Less sparkly and successful and more quiet and dull. I really wish I can go back to my past state of mind and spiritual connection. And today I had the glimpse that I certainly can.

I’ve been acquiring bad habits, binge watching and wasting my precious time doing incredibly meaningless shit, playing arcade games on my phone. Whining more than anything. Always and constantly feeling lazy. Not trying enough, not working enough on my spiritual life. On my connection with God. Busy and overwhelmed with life that I neglected the most important relationship ever. Done some sins I don’t want to write. I’ve been trying to wake up and realize this all lately, and I guess now is the time to get my shit together.

It’s all very simple really. Love God, Obey God, and believe in him, and this whole Dunya and akhera will be in our hands. We’re so foolish not to follow this simple manual. And when we do, everything seems so natural, comfortable and happy. And we all want to be comfortable and happy, there’s no debate in that.

So, I vow to myself, starting this very moment to be better. To be better in loving and trusting God. To be much better in the obeying area. Stop all the shit I’m doing. Concentrate more in my prayers, pray with mindfulness. And treat the gifts God gave me like my senses, my body, my time better. And have the strongest confidence ever in myself and in God. And most importantly stop the baby whining shit and stop throwing my miseries on people or things. I am alone responsible for my own happiness, for how I become, for how I spend my life. And all can be great, and inshallah all will be.

60 minutes ago I was confused and sad, now I’m in a much better state. And for this I can’t be more thankful. Alhamdulellah a million times. I can never worry or get sad when I know I have God by my side everywhere and all the time.