diaryofisolation-blog

[diaryofisolation-blog]

Day 1( and a most of day 2)

So yesterday after I finished setting up this blog I was on one of those natural highs people get after writing/planning. You know what I am talking about, and if you are like me you know those highs only go so far. But don’t worry I wasn’t a failure from the start. I did accomplish my list of activities yesterday. First I did go for a mile walk/run. It was refreshing. I went to this local community track that has little activities around the sides such as climbing stairs and pull up bars. I wish I could say I was adequate in fulfilling one pull up, but I was able to dangle for a few seconds. It is highly enjoyable to imagine oneself dangling from a helicopter or a mountain instead of the mere centimeters from the ground; makes you feel powerful. HAHA! But the story does get better. See before I went running lets just say I ate a bagel with cream cheese, a muffin( a big one at that with apple and something sweet drizzling on top), and to top it off vegetables with hummus. Not thinking about it, I felt AMAZING when I left the track. I was fine with a cigarette to hold me down till I got home. I went into the shower and started to feel nausea. I first I thought I was just having a mental episode as I couldn’t think straight, and all I could think about in that state of discomfort was maybe I made a mistake. Maybe this whole plan of isolation from my friends was a stupid, selfish idea, and I just couldn’t find the inner demon in me that was the true issue. But then that demon came out in the form of rancid, chunky, orange vomit. I won’t get into more detail, but I did feel better and had a vital excuse to clean the tub. After that episode I decided to go see my grandma across the street. Let me just say it was the hi-light of my day. At first it was just sitting across from each other asking about the day. Then I got the courage to just ask about her childhood. Honestly I just wanted to hear something to let her know I cared for her and was curious about her life. At first she didn’t have much to say just that, “we were poor, nothing much happened”. We moved on. Conversation continued and topics such as her health were brought up: how she hates having hospital bills and her shoulder is fucked up. I must add that she wasn’t so much complaining as just informing. I could tell though by the look in her eyes that she was worried. As the night wore on that worry seemed to become more clear through what she had to say. She talked about the failing relationship between her surviving siblings over her mom’s estate that honestly wasn’t much to fight over. One of her sisters even has a lawyer at hand. I could see the pain in my grandma’s face as she talked about it. We both agreed that her mom wouldn’t want her children fighting over something as valueless as land. Evidently the talking got her to open up more, and she finally started talking about her past. She talked about how they never had a permeant home. It was always moving ever so many months because of rent issues. Apparently her father would drink up his paycheck and anything valuable in the house. She talked about her first job when she was 10. 10! She was a hushpuppy girl at a catfish shack in Mississippi. In the summer they would let her wait tables. Her face beamed as she talked about how great her tips would be. She said she would keep a dollar for herself then give the rest of the money to her mom as she had the job of caring and feeding 11 children. My grandma said the most angry she had ever been at her mom was when she asked if she could have some of the money, thinking there was some left over, to buy new clothes for school for her and some of her siblings( They only had hand-me-downs growing up). Her mom informed her that all the money was used up. A detail I forgot to mention was that my grandma’s uniform as a server was a flour sack that a coworker helped her cut open. Growing up they only had powered eggs to eat that would come in a can. She did say they would get this cheese that everyone loved, even the neighbors who had food would come to get a slice of cheese which my great grandmother would never refuse. My grandma said she resents those people to this day because that was all they had. We touched on a little more on that great conversation last night. Such as how her and her siblings would fight the pigs for fruit that was thrown out. We talked a little about how my grandpa left her when I was a child after they had been together for 30 years. She didn’t say much; to be honest I don’t think she ever fully recovered from it. She is with a man, now, named Brian that loves her to the moon and back. They have been together for 4 years now. We talked a little more about our family, but what we ended in conversation that night was how she had great expectations of me. She told me I was the one grandchild she saw going far in life. It caused an humbling emotion to course through me. It made me feel like all my problems in this life were meaningless; that I had to just focus on the future. I went home feeling better that night. I ended up reading a bit more of Lolita. I got to say reading that book makes me feel so much better about myself; at least I am not a pretentious French pedophile. 

Today I wish I was as filled with activities as the day before but old habits are hard to kill. I ended up staying in bed and half watching whatever I put on while going in and out of sleep. DEPRESSION ITSSSSS GREAT!!!!!! I did go walking for 2 miles and listened to Lana Del Rey’s new album while I did it. God I love that artist. But to say I am disappointed in myself would be a lie. I mean Rome wasn’t built in a day and there is always tomorrow. So here is to a great tomorrow! 

[diaryofisolation-blog]

Diary of Isolation

Today marks the first day of my odyssey. I know what you are thinking. Isolation what kind of fucked up trip is that. Well to be fair it’s not total isolation. I live with my family and go to school, so it’s kind of unavoidable. Also it isn’t exactly what I am going for either. What I mean to say is isolation from my friends. I’ve become addicted to them. I always want to be around them, because I love them. But it occurred to me today as I laid around with my best friend, who I consider my soul mate to be honest, is that I am codependent. I say I can be alone, and I agree with that statement but I’m not proud of what I am doing in my life. I’m seeking sympathy and desire from people who aren’t willing to give it. At first I channeled my frustration through these people I care about thinking that if they loved me they would be willing to give. Of course I was wrong. But I’m fed up with seeking comfort in other people. So that is why I have come to the brilliant idea of staying away from my friends for a whole month. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel it will be the best for myself. I want this month to be fruitful. The semester starts in a week so I do have school to think about. I want to be on top of my studies. I want to put that first. Also I want to try new things. Maybe I’ll start a sport? I want to try new restaurants by myself. I want to write more and rediscover my voice. I want to meet new people and show the world how great and witty I am. I want to hook up with more random strangers so my collection of sexual horror stories grow( oh how just the first two were GREAT). I want to get to know my family better such as asking my grandma stories from her past. I have already started in reading more. I want to finish as much classics as I can before the year is out. I’m reading LOLITA right now and let me just say not what I expected, but I will keep you posted. I guess in summery I’m having a life crisis too early in life and want to do things that give it meaning. I lost my groove, but I’m creating a new one. One with more color and texture. One that will have people moving in closer for a better look; but when they do move closer for a better look I’ll be too busy adding on to it to notice people admiring. So here is my promise: I will write an update everyday on this blog for this journey. Hopefully with details of productivity each day. My birthday is in exactly one month. I will be 21; an actual adult. Let me end my childhood with one great month! Here I go!