diaryofinsanity30-blog - Tumblr blog

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

Where did it all go?

The last few days are a blur. I don’t remember them. Simple as that. I remember the day I had a mixed episode. Past that it’s all for the most part forgotten.

Doc increased the dosage of my meds and will be adding another when I see him on Friday. I don’t know what to expect with all of this. I suppose I should have known better. I’ve suppressed it all for so long it was going to bite me in the ass sooner or later. I always thought it was because I wasn’t expressing myself.

I never thought I’d be living in a hell within my own mind. Days forgotten simply because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted from a single split episode.

Wild.

A mixture of childhood trauma and wartime trauma is what’s caused this. Thinking I could handle on my own is what made it worse than it had to be.

My break months ago was the initial warning sign...now it’s getting out of control and my future is definitely uncertain.

My wife looks at me with terrified stares, her grandmother looks at me like I’m something that doesn’t deserve to be in the house, and my coworkers think I’m some plague because I’m having trouble coping.

I don’t know what’s worse...The silenced hell thats just beyond the thin pane of glass in my mind, the questioning stares I get from those I admire and love or the headaches I get from the meds that keep me sane and level...

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

My Inescapable Nightmare

She read what wasn't meant to be read..by her anyways. it was always meant to be kept away from her. she wasn't supposed to know that which plagued my mind nearly everyday as I swell and collapse on a constant basis. 

it comes and it goes as often as the tide on the ocean. some days I have no experiences and others I can't seem to escape them. but the thoughts are always just that. thoughts. but I cannot escape them, try as I might. 

I will be speaking with my counselor and psychiatrist about them to see if its just what it is, or if its a sign that my medication isn't working. either way, I feel as though I have somehow betrayed my love. by not telling her these dark things, I feel as though ive kept her from some part of myself that she should have known about. yes she knows about the terrors of war, but it pales in comparison to the terrors of ones own mind.

I am in no way dissatisfied with my own life, or where I have come from. I am just...lost within myself and sometimes its hard to get out. I hope she knows better. but I fear she does not. I am unclear about how damaged the relationship has become but I know one thing is clear, she now holds in the back of her mind that one day she fears she might get that phone call.

I know ill never let that happen...but I won't be able to dissuade that from her. like catching a cheating spouse, once that trust is gone, its gone forever.

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

Suicide Notes

I don’t know how to start one of these, idk. It might be a suicide note I guess? But you can’t really call it that because I’m too pussy to actually do anything. I think life is just stupid. We go through so much pain, we work out asses of, and we want things we never can have but you know what? In the end you’re still worth one penny. This fucking phone I’m typing this on is worth more than you and me combined. That’s how useless a human life is. Our value is shit. We struggle to survive as a species but for what?? There’s no moral code. Money is corruption, greed is rampant, and everyone is looking out for their own sorry ass. I feel like I’m surrounded by machines. These unnatural men, with machine hearts. I am not a machine though. I have a vision that life can be free and beautiful, but everyone has lost that vision. These leaders, they aspire to be the best but for what? They yell out words like, change!, freedom!, liberty! But they don’t know the half of it. They have more money stuffed in their pockets than moral and goodwill in their hearts. It’s a corrupted system led by corrupted men, but then that leaves us. Are we just the same? Or are we “different” because of our belief. Does the fact that we want to be free and enjoy life, without pain or complications, make us different?? No. It doesn’t. At all, because we’re part of a system that makes men torture. You can’t call yourself an American without realizing how many innocent lives America ruins. Were all at fault. This corrupted system, the greed, the control, it’s everyone’s fault. We all agree to it and submit ourselves to this lifestyle, but hey. Hope can comfort you until you realize the ugly truth.

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

The anger of a lost mind

Work in a nursing home is nearly always fast paced. It’s a “go go go” atmosphere with little time for anything else if it isn’t patient related.

It was payday, and I like to get my paystubs for my personal records, of course, and because my bank doesn’t update until sometime after 8 in the morning, I like to know beforehand what I’m getting paid.

I got my paystub and realized it was far less than what I anticipated. Not only that but it was inconsistent with previous paydays. Been on the same schedule for a couple months now and the pay has been different each time for nearly the same amount of hours worked.

That’s when I felt the onset. The temperature was rising within me. I knew what was coming but I knew how to handle it as I’ve handled it many times before. However, it had been slumbering for quite some time, and it had new energy to feed from that it hadn’t had before...

I took these findings to my payroll lady and of course she explained away all my concerns with “it’s a shorter month” and “the way your schedule lined up didn’t favor your pay schedule” and “ they’re taking a lot out in taxes” etc. but my gut tells me they’re skimming our checks. But what’s worse is that I worked so hard over the last few weeks. Fixing these charts, checking those meds, ensuring the safety of this that and the other. For meager shit pay.

And then it happened. Alarm bells in my mind and body went crazy and my mind exploded with rage and anger the likes of which I’d never felt before. My demon was awake and alive and I could not silence it. Not this time. Not with it’s new found energy.

I lost control. All control. I was watching the world through my own eyes and something else took the wheel.

I tore up the paystub and threw it.

I got into my car and tore out of the parking lot, not caring if someone may have been standing in the way. I raced as fast as I could to get to the freeway and from there, even faster till I got home. I didn’t care if o got pulled over. I didn’t care if I spun out and hit someone or something.

I pulled into my driveway, heart racing and my pulse thundering throughout my body. Death grip on the steering wheel. I could feel it loosening it’s grip it had on my mind. The moment it relaxed enough, I jerked control back and silenced it and abated it back into its hole. I sat in my car for an hour and half, running, and not thinking of much besides just trying to calm down.

I left work at 730 am, I got home at 756am, and I finally went to bed at 1000am...

Is this really worth all the trouble?

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

What I want, is not what they want...

Ive always done things for me. Or at least, that’s what I was taught.

Join the military for me, go be a truck driver for me, go to nursing school for me etc etc.

But now...I live for those I love. If it were my choice, I’d have passed on this life by now.

But I live for those I love and for some reason that I cannot fathom, it is an extremely difficult decision to continue to choose.

I have all I could ever want: a loving wife, a wonderful home, gadgets and gizmos and flashy, expensive things. Friends in low and high places (quarters dimes and a few pennies interspersed here and there).

I don’t feel as though I’m missing anything, I don’t think that I’ve not achieved something unfinished or missed an opportunity. I feel more so that I’m....finished...that I’ve done all that I’ve come to do and I’ve overstayed my welcome.

But I digress.

Whatever the universe has planned for me, I sure won’t interrupt it...or at least I’ll try not to...

I’ll live for those I love. And when my time card gets punched, I’ll gladly go.

Meanwhile I’ll put my thoughts on this board and...see what others make of them..perhaps I’m the only one, perhaps not...

[diaryofinsanity30-blog]

The eloquence of an easy ending

Everything that I need to make an easy escape is at my bidding. It’s all here.

It could be painless. I could drift easily. Painlessly, effortlessly.

Take two Ativan to relax me.

Two Norco to dull me.

And an entire syringe of insulin, about 100 units. And it’d all be over and I’d never know it.

I’d just drift. Peacefully. Into an end that I know not what comes after once the final beat of the heart hits...

But then my mood suddenly shifts and the thoughts not only subside but they leave me entirely and I’m left with an abhorrent sense of resentment of myself and I feel worse than before for having entertained the thought in the first place.

It’s bad enough that I play with some of the needles to begin with to see what veins I can poke and to see how much blood I can drain before they clot themselves off against the “foreign object”. The most I’d gotten of course was about 100cc before the flow stopped. Not that it was a river.

My moods ebb and flow like a dysfunctional fan on a fucked up oscilation where half the blades are bent or broken. I’ve learned to cope in some ways. Most are entirely unhealthy and others are...still questionable. But I’ve yet to learn other coping strategies and the VA helps little in the way of that besides “talking it out”.

Sometimes...it’s exhausting for what I have to deal with for myself...I can’t imagine what my wife goes through...

oh look...150cc’s...