diaryofasithchick

[diaryofasithchick]

You Cannot Always Trust in Hope

Light Side Fallacies: Rey Sets Herself Up, Again, for Disappointment

Sometimes the things you hope for so dearly, with intense energy and focus, will never come to fruition. And you hope and hope and have faith in it and faith in hope, but it will never come to be. Many on the light side fall into this trap.

When Kylo Ren told Rey who her parents were, all her hopes of them coming back or being people of more importance, hope that they had to give her up reluctantly, and maybe once loved her, all that disintegrated. 

Although, as many do, I do wonder if he is even telling her the truth, if he even has any knowledge of who her parents are. How does he know? Like a good dark side disciple, he may just be taking advantage of this fierce vulnerability of hers. Her trust in the good in people leaves her gullible to believe him, his lies. 

Well, in her defense, how can one resist anything that pours forth from those delicious lips? I would happily lap up just about anything from them.

With his revelation, true or not, she was forced to stop. To give up hope...in them.

Sometimes we have to do that; sometimes hope is not enough to make it so, and sometimes someone in our life has to distinguish that hope for us because we are stubborn and want to believe that if we just trust to hope that this thing we most long for can actually come to be. Sometimes there will be no happy ending to one of our life’s stories no matter how much we hope for it.

But it provides a moment to move on, a moment to channel that sometimes obsessive energy into something new that could be.

Rey also has hope that Kylo Ren can be redeemed, will she again put trust in hope with the possibility that she will have to accept that hoping something will not always make it so? 

Now that she’s given up on the dream that is her parents, coming back to her, revealing their identity, she has that energy to place hope in Kylo Ren. Is she setting herself up again for disappointment? (I hope so, as I do not want Kylo Ren to be redeemed; I can’t lose my dark side cupcake.)  

Oh how those on the light side willfully delude themselves with hope. 

[diaryofasithchick]

Kylo Ren, The Last Jedi

[diaryofasithchick]

Kyloha

A (tiny, crocheted) shirtless Master of the Knights of Ren visits Oahu 

My sister lives in Oahu and made these dolls for me, so I had to go pick them up. I decided to make this Flat-Stanley-esque photo essay with my adorable Kylo Ren. 

I arrived with a trooper escort but soon got into the Aloha spirit and gave the trooper the week off.

View from the balcony of my accommodations. I don’t want to give away the name of the place lest they be flooded with visitors wanting to sleep in the same bed that I graced.

Taking Uber makes it easy to get around the island, away from the crowds

Enjoying a guava dumpling for breakfast at Island Brew Coffeehouse in Hawaii Kai

Halona Cove Lookout. This is a much prettier seaside location than where I “hooked up” with Rey, but it messed up my hair.

Halona Cove Lookout

At Koko Crater Botanical Gardens, I really felt the Aloha flowing through me. The Plumerias were beautiful and smelled almost as intoxicating as Rey.

At Makapu’u Beach working on my tan

Thought I heard some Resistance Scum nearby

Some shopping at Manoa Chocolate Factory. I hope Rey likes chocolate.

Rum tasting at KoHana Distillery

I wanted to see what they aging barrels look like, so I sliced them open.

Laie Church of Latter Day Saints Temple. Much better than any Jedi Temple

Going to find Rey a Hello Kitty sticker at Don Quijote

Happy Hour at Buho Cantina in Waikiki

It was taco Tuesday

I had a lot to drink. Met this cute, but very drunk, girl and her friends. She was strong with the Force and kept trying to touch my saber. I was a bit drunk, so I hope Rey understands.

Went for a ride with her on her Biki. I was too drunk to pedal the thing, but she wasn’t in a much better state to be pedaling, either, so we parked it.

Duke Kahanamoku statue on Waikiki Beach. He must have been as awesome to his people as I am.

Couldn’t find another Biki to rent, so I Force-choked a local and took this cruiser.

Breakfast on the last day of the trip

Alohi cakes with Guava jam and banana sour cream. I think Rey would like these.

Seeing if this banyan tree might be a Force tree while waiting for my tour of the Iolani Palace.

Darth Vader’s castle was much better than Iolani Palace.

Some final souvenir shopping at Ala Moana Mall

I hope Rey likes cookies

Waiting to board my flight. My saber needs some repairs. I had a great trip. Think I got a bit of a tan, too. I hope Rey likes that.

[diaryofasithchick]

Kyloha

A (tiny, crocheted) shirtless Master of the Knights of Ren visits Oahu 

My sister lives in Oahu and made these dolls for me, so I had to go pick them up. I decided to make this Flat-Stanley-esque photo essay with my adorable Kylo Ren. 

I arrived with a trooper escort but soon got into the Aloha spirit and gave the trooper the week off.

View from the balcony of my accommodations. I don’t want to give away the name of the place lest they be flooded with visitors wanting to sleep in the same bed that I graced.

Taking Uber makes it easy to get around the island, away from the crowds

Enjoying a guava dumpling for breakfast at Island Brew Coffeehouse in Hawaii Kai

Halona Cove Lookout. This is a much prettier seaside location than where I “hooked up” with Rey, but it messed up my hair.

Halona Cove Lookout

At Koko Crater Botanical Gardens, I really felt the Aloha flowing through me. The Plumerias were beautiful and smelled almost as intoxicating as Rey.

At Makapu’u Beach working on my tan

Thought I heard some Resistance Scum nearby

Some shopping at Manoa Chocolate Factory. I hope Rey likes chocolate.

Rum tasting at KoHana Distillery

I wanted to see what they aging barrels look like, so I sliced them open.

Laie Church of Latter Day Saints Temple. Much better than any Jedi Temple

Going to find Rey a Hello Kitty sticker at Don Quijote

Happy Hour at Buho Cantina in Waikiki

It was taco Tuesday

I had a lot to drink. Met this cute, but very drunk, girl and her friends. She was strong with the Force and kept trying to touch my saber. I was a bit drunk, so I hope Rey understands.

Went for a ride with her on her Biki. I was too drunk to pedal the thing, but she wasn’t in a much better state to be pedaling, either, so we parked it.

Duke Kahanamoku statue on Waikiki Beach. He must have been as awesome to his people as I am.

Couldn’t find another Biki to rent, so I Force-choked a local and took this cruiser.

Breakfast on the last day of the trip

Alohi cakes with Guava jam and banana sour cream. I think Rey would like these.

Seeing if this banyan tree might be a Force tree while waiting for my tour of the Iolani Palace.

Darth Vader’s castle was much better than Iolani Palace.

Some final souvenir shopping at Ala Moana Mall

I hope Rey likes cookies

Waiting to board my flight. My saber needs some repairs. I had a great trip. Think I got a bit of a tan, too. I hope Rey likes that.

[diaryofasithchick]

There Has Been an Awakening

Maybe some of you are over this game, but my first step into the modern gaming world began a few months ago, via Battlefront II, and I’m hooked.

I have only recently begun playing video games after a long, absence and likely prompted by my midlife crisis. To let you know my age, as a kid, I played Intellivision then progressed Sega Genesis when it came out during my senior year of high school. And even then, video games did not consume very much of my time. Games felt to “complex” for my video-game-inept brain. Watching others play was entertaining because they were capable, but it was never fun when I tried and repeatedly, immediately failed. But something has awaken...

LET THE PAST DIE

My brother/roommate was a video game tester, so consoles and games were continually around our house, and I now have a child who now is into Minecraft and has a Playstation 4. About 6 months ago, inspired by the hype around The Last Jedi that my interest had been piqued enough to try again. We had Battlefront on the PS4, and I poked around it with a desire to fly a TIE fighter. But unable to not immediately be killed, I gave up. My strategy is, what I call, to “oscillate wildly” (always loved that title of that the Smiths song! My strategy is not as beautiful and harmonious as the song, though) was pressing all the buttons on the controller at random and hope that something would save my life.

THAT IS WHY YOU FAIL

You would think that having a son and a brother who are very skilled at video games that they would be helpful. If continually sarcastic remarks, snickers and “why did you do that?” and “press L2, NO L2!” or “Do you want me to do it for you?” or “Duh, hit the “options” button” or “Give me the controller; I’ll do it for you” type of questions and statements sneered at you were helpful, then they were intensely, extremely helpful. I began to believe that I would never get the hang of it.

A NEW HOPE

Then the Battlefront II trailer came out, and I saw the focus on the dark side; I saw my cupcake and his big red saber featured, and I became hopeful that I could play again. One of the parents who I talk to as we wait for our kids to get out of school became my first Battlefront II enabler and when it was released, he got the game and would tell me all about Iden Versio and the Battle Scenarios. I wasn’t sure that I should buy it, just yet, and tried playing Battlefront, again, to see if I could be persistent enough, learn all the buttons on the controller for that game before spending money on Battlefront II because I was pretty skeptical that I would persist and it would be wasted money.

I began to talk to my friend more and from what he described about the game, I became more and more intrigued. With anything I’m interested in, I do research, and I began to seek out articles about Battlefront II. Apparently there is quite a bit of unhappiness with it, and not being a gamer, I understood very little of it and am not knowledgable enough to join that discussion...yet

During my time weighing my decision to take on this challenge or not, I reconnected with a long-lost friend, who also played Battlefront II. I would watch him play, and I became even more intrigued. Then we watched a youtube video of the campaign story, with the game play edited out, and that was the catalyst to rebuild a sense of persistence in me.

DO OR DO NOT

I expressed my determination to others in my own smug way, a method to goad myself into not quitting by declaring:  “you know, I don’t know why I think the game is so hard. I mean if the guys I know can play it, then certainly it can’t be too difficult.” On top of that, my Star Wars-hating son, really wanted to play the game as well. In fact right after Christmas, he asked if I could buy it for him. Hoping this could be my way to sway him to the dark side, I had to resist buying it for him. Being right after Christmas I told him that there was no way he needed more stuff, so I bought it for myself!

I started out with the Arcade games; being able to choose dark side characters and swing a lightsaber was quite satisfying. I also learned that with an EA account, I would get crates. I wasn’t sure what the hell that meant or what to do with them once I had opened them and saw the cool stuff, but the story in the campaign kept calling me. So I began.

YOU NEED A TEACHER

On New Year’s Eve, my way to celebrate was to stay home and play Battlefront II all night. My friend who I had recently connected with decided that he’d rather see that than attend a party he was planning on going to. I figured it was so he could get a good laugh and have more ammo to make fun of me. However, I give much credit to him for being a supportive, helpful guide. He explained the controller, help me understand how to load the neato things I had gotten in my crates, and helped me have patience with the level. A couple days after New Year’s I finished the first mission. The adrenaline and endorphin release was expected, but its fierce intensity was not.

THE GREATEST TEACHER, FAILURE IS

Luckily I was on winter break from teaching, and I became a bit consumed and obsessed about continuing my mission. Days I had my house to myself were when I was the most successful, not because things came easily but because no one was around to heckle me, hear me shout obscenities, or see me near tears when I could not get past a level. I often found myself up after midnight just trying once more to finish a mission. And then no one was around for me to wake up as I cheered and jumped around victoriously!

IT’S A TRAP!

Consume you it will! Friends on Facebook became concerned when my posts were continually about me playing Battlefront II. When I turned down invitations to meet up, the assumption was that I was playing Battlefront II (sometimes those assumptions were correct.) Now that I had the hang of it, I found myself always wanting to play.

GREAT KID, DON’T GET COCKY!

Beating my son in Arcade mode was a highlight, and I behaved as any mature parent would when beating her 10-year-old at a game -- I jumped and down, cheered, pointing mockingly at him and shouting “HA! TAKE THAT!” 

TRAITOR!

Oh, the heartbreak I had when Iden Versio betrayed the Empire. I feel so tainted fighting against the Empire (although being able to play one mission as my cupcake, Kylo Ren, helped me use that anger properly) and against the First Order, in the Resurrection campaign.  I hope one day the stain of my betrayal to the dark side with wash away. 

It took me a couple months to complete the main campaign and I got stuck for about a week on the last mission of Resurrection. 

I HATE YOU!

Because my brother is ruthless, he decided, after seeing my progress with the game, that he would play the Campaign. In a few days he had completed it and caught up to me on Resurrection. So he, my friend, and I were all at the same point on Resurrection. My friend and I had just commiserated by text on trying to protect Zay as she planted detonators. The day after I spent another late night failing to protect Zay, my brother finished the campaign. I texted my friend that night “I hate my brother. He just finished Resurrection” And my friend’s reply. “I just finished it, too.” My reply. “Fuck you. I hate you, too.” 

STAY ON TARGET

I would not allow myself to go to bed until I had completed it. I started at 11pm and by 12:43, I had finally completed the mission. Resurrection was done! I sent my friend a message via PS4 and text message -- hoping to wake his ass up with my message of trivial Battlefront II glory. For those who are avid gamers, this may not seem like a huge accomplishment, but for me, I was on a high from this accomplishment for about a week!

Now, I am exploring the Battle Scenarios and joining friends online. Look at this dream team I was a part of. I sucked; we lost, but it was fun. 

I WAS MISTAKEN ABOUT A GREAT MANY THINGS

As someone who was scared of and sometimes scoffed at video games (because of my ignorance and inability), I’ve come to learn what an amazing feat of creativity and innovation they are. The collaborative effort of imaginations and technical skill that go into a game like Battlefront II are most impressive. I don’t know enough about video games to understand the criticisms of it. Perhaps it’s because I’m new to this that I find it so amazing, where those who have been gaming for a while already know what an incredible accomplishment a game can be to make and play. 

- Squire Ren

[diaryofasithchick]

First Reactions to “The Last Jedi”

(Spoilers -- although nothing can really spoil this experience)

Kylo Ren appears in the film without a shirt on 🤤 😍. 

After that delicious distraction, I can’t remember anything else about the movie, so I will go see it again, tomorrow. 

-- Squire Ren

[diaryofasithchick]

Saturated in Star Wars  (You say it like it’s a bad thing...is it?)

REALLY, EMPRESS, IS IT TOO MUCH?

I posted this Hallmark ad on the Sith Support Group on FB, and within a few moments and comments, it led to a 😑  response from her.

https://www.facebook.com/HallmarkStores/videos/10104204997593081/

Hallmark has gone beyond peddling Star Wars ornaments and is in full-on money-grab, Star Wars-bandwagoning mode. I hesitated to agree with Krystee because Star Wars merchandise is a functional part of my daily life. 

But, yes, when is it too much? 

Does my Roomba need to look like R2D2 (I’m feeling, yes. I need the R2D2 Roomba skin I see advertised. It’s the closest thing I have to a real droid in my home.)? However, I feel that Hallmark dishonors Boba Fett, featuring him on an apron with the cheesy attempt at a pun, “Does this apron make me look Fett?” Ugh! So where does one draw the line? I thought that there was no need to, but I am feeling...I hate to say it, fatigued by the saturation of Star Wars merchandise, particularly the front-loading of merchandise of a film we’ve yet to see. What pushed me more to see her side was this Star Wars matching pajamas ad.  

No fucking way would I subject my family to wearing matching outfits of any kind (although my family is just me and my kid). This was too much. I admit, though, I would get PJs for myself, and I would buy some of those Hallmark products (I already own the pizza cutter). For me, I usually don’t buy collectibles, anymore; I buy Star Wars products that are usable because I’m not sure that I want to collect and display things that I just have to find space for and remember to dust. Of course, I sacrifice quality as some of the Star Wars functional products look cool, but they are often poorly made.

NOT FEELING THE FORCE...FRIDAY

On Force Friday there were social media sites asking people to post their hauls. I felt such inadequacy as a fan because I only made one purchase (oh, glob, is he adorable!)

While at work that day, a friend sent me a text while she was at Kohl’s, and I told her that I just couldn’t look! I wanted to look. But, more, I wanted to look away. Force Friday has come and gone, and I don’t want to know anymore about what I missed.  

RESISTING THE RESISTANCE IS A GOOD THING, RIGHT?

I’m just not sure about buying merchandise for characters I haven’t even met, yet. Although I fear that I will be filled with immense regret if I didn’t grab a Porg and find out that I love them, when the movie comes out. I feel like all this pre-release merchandise is kinda killing the excitement. I want to love the Porgs, but how if they turn out to be irritating as fuck in the film? I’m not gonna get all into them without meeting them first.

I really hate to and hesitate to admit this (and perhaps I’m just grouchy in my old age), but I am starting to get a little irritated by one particular character from The Last Jedi that I don’t even know about, yet. So, just as bad as people loving on characters they haven’t seen, I am starting to dislike a character I haven’t seen. And I don’t want to feel this way! But the Rose Tico character is starting to really annoy me solely because people keep posting stuff about how much we should/will dote on this character. At least this one asks if we’re looking forward to her.  

How can I possibly not like this character without knowing anything about her? I’m also mixed race -- 1/2 Asian -- so I’m so thrilled to see more diversity in the films, but I’m tired of the excitement about a character I don’t know, yet. Why am I having such the opposite reaction as many other people as described in this article? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/last-jedi-action-figure-photos-leaked_us_597d5e6ee4b02a8434b6e1c4 and in the reactions to the above tweet.

I felt a bit comforted by the two who were less than positive, but I really don’t want to dislike her without even knowing what her character will do or be like in the film. I am begging for the film to show me the error of my preconceptions. Perhaps I have a dislike because I know that she is Resistance scum. 

My sister and I received the Boba Fett action figure for Christmas before The Empire Strikes Back came out, so I have had merchandise of a character before I met that character -- but it worked out. We soon realized how lucky we were to get an action figure of a bad-ass character before we even knew how bad ass he was.  

But of course that just smacks of nostalgia and some “Nya-Nya-I-was-there-for-the-original-release-of-the-films” smugness on my part. Star Wars will never feel like it did when I was a kid, and it was new to the world, and I shouldn’t expect it to, and I don’t want to expect it to. 

A GALAXY NOT SO FAR AWAY, IT’S JUST AS FAR AS THE SUPERMARKET

Some say it doesn’t feel as special to see Star Wars characters on your snacks or paper towel packaging. 

But I have the same reaction as this:

or that the dark side is diminished when our Lord Vader is on a tube of toothpaste or Kylo Ren is on sunblock (although my pasty, pale cupcake could certainly convince people that he uses a very effective sunblock). I am not happy that the merchandising is indiscriminate -- like there is no love and care given to Star Wars merchandise as evidenced by the action figures with the misplaced eyes or the unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your intended use) shaped Star Wars pool toys.

And, as much as I love to see Star Wars, it seems that, no matter where I turn, I do feel saturated. I feel like I have to dodge any clues from the loads of merchandise and straight-out spoilers in the news and social media about the upcoming film because I want it to be all new to me when I see it in December.

I DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER  

But if I could speak to myself, the 6-year-old girl, in 1977, who fell in love with Star Wars, and I told her that one day Star Wars stuff would be just about everywhere on everything, I have a feeling she would feel hopeful and vindicated. She would see the worthiness of standing up for herself against kids that teased her because they thought she was weird for liking Star Wars, taunting her that Star Wars was some stupid movie that no one will remember, trying to convince her of its insignificance. Okay, this still happens to me now....

I don’t need to make a conscious effort to block out potential clues or spoilers because I am just flat-out desensitized to news about The Last Jedi. I have my 😑  moments. I skip over Star Wars: The Last Jedi news like I skip news about sports (other than baseball) -- and that saddens me and frightens me, and this is, perhaps, my cry for help, as I fear that I might be becoming numb, at least temporarily, to the news about my favorite galaxy far, far away.

#thelastjedi #forcefriday #starwars #youvelostthatlovingfeeling

[diaryofasithchick]

The Force Awakened on My Vacation

I would have planned my entire trip around this, but I didn’t even know it was going on until I had booked the trip. The Force was working in my favor! The Star Wars Identities Exhibit opened in London in November and will be there until September, and I was fortunate to be vactioning there this July.

I had promised my kiddo that when he was 10 we would take a trip to England, so last year when he was 9 I started making plans. London is one of my favorite places and I was excited to share my love for it with my progeny. That was the impetus for the trip, but how delighted was I to find out that Star Wars Identities was going on when I would be in London.

The exhibit begins with the fitting of an audio guide and wristband. You hold the wristband up to a sensor on the wall to begin your identity quest.

As you proceed through the exhibit through the displays of props and artwork, there are stations that pose questions to help you shape your identity and discuss the science and cultural factors that shape human identity. You hold your wristband up to these hexagon-shaped sensors to select your response. Some of the choices are easier to make like this one pictured below, other stations ask you to make a choice on which action you would take in a specific situation.

Even my Star Wars-hating son who was not happy about going but had such an awesome attitude about attending this event eventually participated in the identity creation. He, at first, protested, but when he became intrigued by the interactive element and the videos that talked about human identity, we backtracked through the exhibit – much to my delight – so he could complete the questions at each station.

Some of the items on display I had seen before at the Smithsonian’s “Star Wars: The Magic of Myth” when the traveling exhibit came to my town in the early 2000s. But Star Wars Identities exhibit included items from The Force Awakens, in addition to the interactive element of creating your own Star Wars identity. I have included a small collection of pics of the exhibit. I focused on the dark side, of course but did include a few items featuring rebel scum. 

At the end, after stopping at each station and making the choices including making this final choice -- easy! -- that shape our identity, we got to see our results and received a profile via email:

And of course the exhibit ended at the gift shop. 

I left with a hoodie, shiny Vader shirt, an exhibition book, and cinch bag. 

The financial damage would have been much worse if I didn’t have a check in baggage weight limit and travel budget to consider -- after all, this was just the 3rd day of our vacation, and I focused on things that were exhibit specific with hopes any other things that I was drooling over would be available somewhere online. Check out their FB page or website for more!

Note: I am by no means independently wealthy, so I know not everyone has a chance to take a trip like this. I am an educator, so not at the top of the earning tree. But my childless aunt passed away and through the painstaking process of probate, I was given a small share of her estate. She loved to travel, took me to England for my first time when I was a budding Anglophile, so I found it appropo to use some of the money I received from her estate to take my son abroad. Here’s hoping the exhibit will come to a city near you!

[diaryofasithchick]

FEMALE STAR WARS FANS: THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE

WHY DO SOME STILL ASSUME STAR WARS IS A GALAXY FOR MEN AND KIDS ONLY?

40 years after Star Wars arrived in our galaxy, society often still pushes the misconception that Star Wars is primarily the domain of adult males, then kids and teens (male ones primarily). And it gives the impression that maybe if you’re looking in unique places, you might find the unicorn of Star Wars fans, adult females, on the fringes of this domain. Mega-store Target was heralded as if they discovered the female Star Wars fanbase, celebrating this “discovery” to sell merchandise during film release time. It is an inaccurate perception of Star Wars that we keep having to melt away.

For a long time female fans have been a large part of this fandom, and I’m glad to see more coming to light to correct the perception of the female fanbase, particularly with news of the “Looking for Leia” documentary in the works, which talks about the strong female characters that attract a female fanbase (although it’s not just because of the female characters that I like Star Wars).  

I peek out at this topic well submerged in my Star Wars point of view. I’ve just assumed for a long time that there are just as many females as males are out there living the Star Wars life just like I do. I’ve seen moms at my kid’s school wearing Star Wars shirts, and my kid’s Cub Scout den leader has a Star Wars purse and she, like others I’ve met, are more into Star Wars than their husbands or kids. I’ve seen the large female fan base at Star Wars Celebration and follow social media run by female fans. So why is this prevalent conception that Star Wars is a male or child’s domain?  

A LONG TIME AGO...I WAS THERE TO SEE STAR WARS

My history of being a non-male Star Wars nerd runs deep. I saw Star Wars in the theaters in 1977, when I was 6 years old.

It was socially acceptable for me as a kid in the late-70s to be a Star Wars fan, less so to be one because I was a girl. But of course the assumption was that Princess Leia was my favorite. Leia certainly showed me that a brunette with brown eyes (like me) could be a princess, smart, skilled with a blaster, and someone who others looked to for guidance -- not a common motif in the 70s. And, yes, I dressed up as Leia for like 5 Halloweens in a row (because my mom could not compute the idea that I wanted to dress up as Darth Vader). But it wasn’t just because there was a female lead character that I became consumed by the Force. 

SITHS NEED LOVE, TOO

Darth Vader was my favorite character. When my sister and I would pretend that we had boyfriends; she chose Han Solo, and I chose Darth Vader not really because I thought at age 6 that get up was sexy, but it was more because I wanted to be like him. I was introverted, a pushover, picked on by my sister, and if I were Darth Vader with Force choke powers none of that would be happening to me. I do wonder: where was the female Sith for me to identify with in the late 70s?   

JUST WHEN I THINK THE MYTH OF THE FEMALE FAN IS DISPELLED...

When looking for Star Wars bedding for my room, I learned that Pottery Barn Kids puts Star Wars sheets in the “boys sheeting” category. Some use George Lucas to defend this because he said that he intended Star Wars to be a kids’ movie. This assumption that it’s for kids leads some people to criticize men, in particular, who like Star Wars, diminishing their interest as something to hide like in this comment on a post for a Millennium Falcon Asteroid Field coffee table: “Who's up for ditching the women, getting our own place, and having this as a centerpiece lol” Yes, the comment is for their personal situation, and it was said with a lighthearted tone as implied by the “LOL,” but it highlights one of the impressions given out there -- that the Star Wars universe is a male or child’s dominion, that a home would have to be devoid of women for Star Wars furniture to be allowed in it.  With these impressions being given, it’s not surprising that merchandisers reflect this idea that female Star Wars fans are an anomaly.  

AND...WAIT, DO WE REALLY STILL USE THE TERM “HOUSEWIFE?”

I want Star Wars home decor, but not because I’m a housewife as this implies. Really, do we still use the term housewife? Ugh.  

Star Wars home decor was exactly what I was on the hunt for when I was pregnant in 2007. Of course, a Star Wars themed nursery was the only consideration. At this time there was little merchandise for such a choice. Not only that, I had to battle the social conventions like “blue is for boys,” and “pink is for girls.” Why does this still exist? It hasn’t always been that color association; it’s a relatively recent arbitrary phenomenon we mostly perpetuate in our society.

BACK IN MY DAY, WE HAD TO MAKE OUR OWN STAR WARS DECOR AND PARTY SUPPLIES

When I was pregnant, I refused to find out the gender of my child and wanted to surround it in primary colors and of course have a Star Wars-themed baby shower.  I planned and created all the needed supplies myself because they didn’t exist in 2007, and I knew that if I didn’t do it, whoever offered to host my baby shower would probably slip into the pink and blue conventions. To allay my mother’s anxieties from the idea of a Star Wars baby shower and her fear people wouldn’t know what to buy, I told her she could tell people it was a “space/Star Wars” theme. I specified to people that I wanted primary colors, and if they felt the need to get pastel that I wanted NO pink. People asked, “what if you have a girl?” As if I’d have no choice but to leave her undressed if there was nothing pink to put on her. They were okay with the Star Wars theme and primary colors if I was having a boy, but saying the theme applies whether it’s a boy or a girl really did confuse people.

For the shower, I made Star Wars baby bingo cards, matching game, and a pin-the-belly on Padmè game. I made R2D2 and Yoda soaps for the party favors. I made my own announcements too. Today, I could probably buy Star Wars baby shower supplies, in a much higher quality on Etsy. 

My mother overcame her anxieties and she as well as her good friend, made bassinet and crib sheets and a changing pad cover for me using Star Wars fabric. Gotta give credit to my late mom for enabling my Star Wars nursery dreams despite her inability to accept it. My godmother even made Star Wars chocolates to serve at the shower. 

Friends and family gave Star Wars toys (unable to find anything age appropriate for a baby, though, but great for decorating the nursery) and managed to find a few Star Wars baby clothes online which was not an easy thing to do at the time, and I was fortunate enough to find Star Wars mini-blinds for the nursery from 3-Day Blinds. I made my own birth announcements, too. 

My sister painted a series of prints for the room. 

Now that my son is older and wants nothing to do with Star Wars, they have taken a spot of honor in our living room. He still bugs me about removing the blinds.

IT’S 2017: THE MERCHANDISE ABOUNDS - THANK THE MAKER!

Now I’m pushing 50, and Star Wars is well integrated into my life thanks to the wealth of merchandise out there. With the amount available, I don’t have to make things. Every day I wear Star Wars apparel, whether it’s my Empire Strikes Back Vans, a t-shirt, cardigan, socks, jewelry, or a jacket, I am wearing something Star Wars. I have a Star Wars wallet, my “everyday” First Order purse and my “fancy dress” Boba Fett purse. My car has an imperial symbol on the rear window and Darth Vader hanging from the rear view mirror. My work bags are a Darth Vader brief case and a rolling Darth Vader backpack. I bring snacks to work in a Boba Fett lunch box and my water in a stainless steel Kylo Ren reusable bottle. When it rains I have a Darth Vader rain jacket and two lightsaber umbrellas to choose from, and if it’s cold a Boba Fett beanie. 

I lay me down to sleep under the watch of a Death Star on my wall, on Star Wars bed sheets and keep warm under a Star Wars comforter and, in the morning, I push my feet into Star Wars slippers upon my Death Star rug. I am cleansed by the water coming from my Darth Vader shower head, the Kylo Ren shower curtain keeping the spray contained, and I dispose of rubbish in my R2D2 bin. In the rare instances I bake, I have an R2D2 measuring cup set, a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader spatulas and Star Wars Cookie Cutters. I sip ale from Mos Eisley Cantina pint glasses. 

FEELING INADEQUATE

But, I’ve always considered myself of a low-grade fan because I don’t have the budget to have more merchandise and because I am wholly unfamiliar with the expanded universe and the canon debate. Hence, a mere squire in the house of Ren.

In addition, my cosplay is put to shame by the amazing ensembles I see. A doubled-edge lightsaber piece of evidence for my argument is sexy cosplay. I don’t have a problem with if women want to sexualize a Star Wars character and pose seductively. On one hand, it does put the association out there of women so fanatical about Star Wars that they do dedicate art and craft to there quite often amazing cosplay, breaking the perception that Star Wars is for the male of the species. Although some might argue that these women are not really fans and only dressing up as Star Wars characters, objectifying themselves to sell something to the large male, heterosexual demographic the Star Wars fanbase is perceived as being.  

VERITY OF GRANDEUR

In the world that I want to live in, Star Wars is never assumed to be only of interest to the male of the species. And it’s clear that I’m not the only one, but things had gotten to a point where I had to double-check. Hope continually shines through with stores like Her Universe, Hot Topic and Think Geek selling products to FINALLY reflect the needs of female fans; merchandising is getting more considerate of the diverse fanbase. 

Society, also, still has quite a way to progress with gender expectations and its assumptions what women want to buy, but it is progressing, and a film franchise, Star Wars, because of its immense awesomeness, is playing a role in this broader melting of arbitrary gender divisions and mislaid societal expectations.

--Squire Ren

[diaryofasithchick]

Forgive Me Vader for I Have Dimmed...

...my devotion to the Force. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, but it’s because I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. Not with life but with all the Star Wars stuff happening. Some of it is the usual build up to the upcoming film but that is just compounding all the stuff that currently exists out there: news about films, tributes to Carrie Fisher, podcasts, blogs, FB groups, Scum and Villainy Cantina (here in MY part of the galaxy -- a part of town I hate going to, though), fan films merchandise, and each of those explores the films, the animated series, and the books of the expanded universe -- and this doesn’t include the information on the official Star Wars website or the biggest Star Wars event of them all going on right now -- Celebration, and all its features and announcements and ultra amazing happenings of which I am not a part! (Insert tantrum, here.). So I try to pretend (not very well) for one second it’s not big deal as seen in my comments (I’m Sithsheila) to the FB post below. Sometimes I see links, and I just move along. What the hell is that behavior? I just don’t want to know what else of which I am missing out!

I’ve always known that despite my friends and family declaring me the biggest Star Wars fan, I know that compared to many other Star Wars fans, I am an amateur; this is why I chose the nom de plume, “Squire Ren” because I feel that, despite my fanaticism, I am in training when it comes to my knowledge and level of dedication to the franchise. But I am disappointed in my exhaustion in trying to keep up with everything Star Wars. I cannot accept that there would be a problem with overflowing fodder to feed my Star Wars gluttony. I can do better. I know I can.

VAGUE AND UNCONVINCING EXCUSES

Time is a huge factor when trying to keep up with all this stuff, and I’ve made time for what’s convenient: feeds that pop up on my Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr pages.  Work, raising a kid, volunteering, freelance projects, trying to stay fit at 45, my research, my Mary Sue fiction, eating, sleeping -- I allow things to eat up so much precious time, and I squander so much time that could be devoted to my devotion for a galaxy far, far away. That is why I fail.

I have asked and received recommendations for Star Wars books so I can

venture into that realm, but have not plunged between any covers, which is horrifying because I love to read, and I love Star Wars! I have found Star Wars podcasts that sound intriguing, but I don’t know why it doesn’t intrigue me enough to actually listen to them especially when they are talking about topics by which I am fascinated, but I haven’t brought myself to listening to one.  I think that because I love written language, I want to see the words in front of me, so I haven’t allowed myself the time to have an aural experience other than listening to music or listening to radio news or sports broadcasts in the car -- which exactly what podcasts are, right, broadcasts, but I haven’t overcome the barrier, provided myself the luxury of time needed to sit still and listen, and there really are no good reasons I have to explain it. There is no try.

Coming up in my part of the galaxy is the May the Fourth Be With You Geek Meet. It’s a chance for me to do some discount cosplay and maybe meet the Star Wars nerd of my dreams (Likely not, since I am socially inept). Here is another aspect of fandom that I wish I did better at, but all I have is my Darth Vader dress and cape and some lightsaber jewelry or my Boba Fett shirt, beanie and blaster to serve my cosplay needs, dare I even use the term “cosplay” for the lack of effort in my apparel. I enable my social anxiety and talk myself out of going to these events by diminishing the acceptable state of my costume and exaggerating the inconvenience and annoyance of going to a crowded venue in a crowded part of town.

Then I see people on social media who indulge in multiple fandoms, and I am convinced there is something magical allowing them this ability. How do people manage devotion to multiple fandoms? Many Star Wars fans are also huge comic book fans and fans of other Sci-Fi franchises, and they go full bore with with their detailed knowledge and acquisition of merchandise from those franchises as much as they do with Star Wars.  I love Star Trek and Lord of the Rings not quite as much as I love Star Wars, but close to it, perhaps because I have little time to just view these, perhaps it’s merely time that hasn’t allowed me to wade deeper into these fandoms. I also have favorite bands and a passion for certain literary periods and of course favorite authors that graduate school provided a structured forum for fandom, but above all I’ve prioritized Star Wars but still feel I’ve devoted to it such little effort to it.

I feel like...no...I know that I’m missing out on so much.

REPUBLIC CREDITS ARE NO GOOD OUT HERE

Money is a huge factor when it comes to fandom. I see people on social media talking about their new collectible purchases and not just for Star Wars but for other franchises over which they obsess. I have to keep my Star Wars purchases practical. When I am in need of something, I try to get a Star Wars version of it. I need work clothes, I bought Star Wars shirts, sweaters, socks, and Vans (I get to dress casual at work). I needed a new work bag, I got the Darth Vader briefcase. I needed a new waterproof jacket, I bought the Darth Vader windbreaker. My showerhead broke, so I bought the Darth Vader one (Luckily I had just received a bunch of new Star Wars bathroom merchandise for xmas from my bestie to complete the look of the room.). I needed lipstick and mascara and nail polish and CVS had the Star Wars makeup for me to buy. I’m not always so fortunate to find Star Wars merchandise when I am in need. Like why am I not in need of Tiki Cups?

It is rare that I have it in my budget to purchase a collectible for the sake of having a collectible. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t afford it. And it makes me wonder what kind of jobs Star Wars fans have to be able to afford to grow their collections. I’m sure many have well paying jobs because Star Wars attracts a unique quality of person, but then that makes me then wonder why I can’t afford to be nothing but a low-grade fan.  

DO OR DO NOT

I have heard that sentiment that if I was truly passionate, truly a fan, that I would find the time and money for all of my passions. That everything I detailed above is merely an excuse. I don’t believe that, mostly because, if I did, I would have to acknowledge that my love for Star Wars is too pale to be a passion. That I cannot do... (despite those sentiments being often accurate). I will not admit to a lack of passion because that is a terrible state to be in for a devotee of the dark side.

So, I guess I write this to now make myself accountable for my devotion. I write this with some jest, but it is my way of handling the fear of adding up the wasted minutes and the “could haves” and “should haves” and “if only I hads” that will drill me when my body is no longer fully functional, when I look back to see today was the time to make room for my passions amongst the obligations, being a nurturing parent, and still have room for serving my fellow human beings with my volunteer work. The episode VIII trailer came out today, and I am feeling renewed, motivated to drink in more Star Wars, heated up about seeing my cupcake 🤤  this winter (look at how delicious he looks!). There is time for it all and to do it all well. All is possible with the Force. The Force is with me; I am one with the Force.

[diaryofasithchick]

Your Feelings for Them are Strong ❤️

My go-to attitude is that Valentine’s Day is a crock, a farce, a Hallmark holiday. I am an anti-sentimental, cynical hater of love, except when I fantasize about Kylo Ren. I am a fierce defender of my singlehood, but I like romantic relationships, but, even if I were to have a cherished love in real life, I have a bad reaction to conventional notions of romance, expelling it from my imagination as projectile thought vomit.

So not unusual that I am much opposed to Kylo Ren and Rey becoming romantically involved because I consider Kylo Ren MY delicious cupcake, my favorite flavor of tragedy, for me alone. The only reason I could maybe (slim chance) accept any relationship between them is if she turns to the dark side, and they don’t get married (because I don’t like that institution from our civilization imposed on the Star Wars galaxy) but even then, they just aren’t right for each other because he’s MINE, so if they allied, it better be platonic! 

Besides, one of my evidence-less theories is that Rey is Leia’s daughter, from a relationship after Han and she broke up. I also have a baseless theory that Anakin had a twin and Rey is Anakin’s grand niece. So if Rey and Ren don’t remain enemies, they certainly cannot have a romantic relationship because they are related, and I say that is how it should be for the sake of my fanatical insertion in my favorite fictional galaxy far far away.

On social media there is a ton of Reylo feeds perpetuating this glob-awful relationship, and I often smirk and roll my eyes when I come across them, although many have indulged their wish for this relationship with fun, charming, beautiful, comical and haunting representations inspired by this relationship. 

I, too, if I had visual art skills, would indulge my desire, create images of Kylo Ren as a cartoony cupcake, a realistic sexy portrait of him covered in frosting like a cupcake, and gorgeous depictions of Kylo Ren entangled with me. But my visual “art” level is selfie-with-cardboard-cutout level. 

My literary art skills are more honed (so says my MFA in Writing) than my visual “art” abilities, and I have some fan fiction I hope to soon impose on people. 

I am new to Tumblr, so after typing a search for Kylo Ren and picking through my fellow devotees’ sites, Reylo sites started appearing as recommendations so curiosity had me peek at what came up with that search term. 

“Why?” I growled. “Why do so many people want them to get together?” So I did the search for “Anti Reyo,” and WOW, I was pleased to see I was not alone. 

But beyond the fun rivalry between Reylo and Anti Reylo supporters can get a bit intense. Some of the vitriol on both sides surprised me (confused me too, since I was temporarily confused by the term “shippers.” Remember, I’m old, and new to social media outside Twitter and Facebook), and I continued on to read through often hostile interaction between Reylo supporters and anti Reylo supporters. 

Certainly, I want to plead, “We’re Star Wars fans; can’t we all just get along?” But, it is a free country, we have freedom of speech, a right to feel what we want. My intent here is not to enter the debate because, although I don’t like the idea of Reylo, it doesn’t anger me, just inspires my jealousy-based “Reylo eye roll” and an occasional snarl. But we are passionate about what we believe in, what we want for people we love, even if they are fictional characters, and passion is key (although attacking people and being purposely offensive hurts the heart and weakens an argument), particularly if you follow the path of the Sith. 

I move beyond that; I am fascinated by the love we have for the Star Wars universe, the ownership we have taken over and the investment we put into the this galaxy far, far away. An attachment to literary characters is something I’m exploring in my own academic research about Star Wars. All of this puts me, over and over again, in awe of the power of the saga and its influence on its fans, its impact on our culture, and the ideas about our culture that it reflects back to us. How fortunate we are to have such a love. 

[diaryofasithchick]

Delusions of Grandeur

Two Sundays ago, I ran the Star Wars Half Marathon at Disneyland. Please forgive me for participating in the Light Side race; the Dark Side race is always at Disneyworld, and I live in Southern California. However, I made some modifications of my photos to fix this injustice.

INCOMPLETE WAS MY TRAINING

Running the Star Wars 10K, last year, was fairly easy for me, so I needed to up my mileage this year. Through summer, I rehabbed a hip flexor strain and coped with a diagnosis of degenerative osteoarthritis in my left hip. I re-started my training in September, planning to train from October-January. I stuck with it through mid-November, even finding Star Wars workouts to incorporate on non-running days. But my dedication waned, and workouts were down to once a week, if that. With two weeks to go, I ran only twice; a slow, 4-mile run being the longest of the two.  

THESE ARE YOUR FIRST STEPS: PRE-RACE EXPO

Thursday before the half marathon arrived. I was amped as I picked up my race packet and wandered quickly around the pre-race expo. I avoided the special Star Wars race merchandise area because I knew it would be dangerous for my bank account.  

MY LACK OF FAITH WAS DISTURBING

I live not-too-far from Disneyland, but with the a disturbing 5:30am race start time, I booked a hotel room to maximize sleep time. My gift for doubting kicked in as I prepared to leave. “Why am I doing this? I can just tell people I got sick. The dog will be lonely.”  I wanted any excuse to get out of the race since I was so unprepared. “Wimp. Leave the radio and light on for the dog.” So after badgering myself, I left but even after checking into my hotel, I continued my self-doubting. “What if the dog goes out and coyotes get him? What if leaving the radio on for the dog starts a fire? I should go home, turn it off, and come back. What if I drive home and get into crash on the way back? I’ll go back and stay, there, get up early, still park at the hotel and walk to the race.” I was selling myself on that until I realized I would have to wake up even earlier. I convinced myself I could use the Force to send calming thoughts to my dog.  

I’VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS

At 5 in the morning I arrived at the race, shocked fully awake by the cold morning air and soothed by the possibility of my dark side cupcake, that delicious Master of the Knights of Ren, being at one of the photo op stops. But I am an introvert and being submerged in all these people, I started to feel all oogie. I pushed in my earbuds (no music was playing because I was saving my battery for the race) because it keeps people from trying to talk with me.  Now, if I was going to be chatted up by someone, why not enjoy it with the Star Wars fans surrounding me? I just don’t know. Despite having a few friends into Star Wars (a few were at the race with other friends), I usually go to Star Wars events by myself, but a common love for Star Wars is never enough to inspire effective social skills in me. I focused on being unapproachable to prevent a terrifying social interaction for which I was not prepared. As my group approached the Tattooine starting gate, the Star Wars theme blasted out to begin the race, and I couldn’t keep down my smile.

MILE 1-2: I started my slow pace, as we started behind-the-scenes of California Adventure. I stopped for a photo of Carburetor Canyon at sunrise in Cars Land for an early walk break. But soon after the runner’s high started to build, I ran right by the line for the photo op with R2D2 but didn’t turn around. “He’s rebel scum.” I told myself to justify not stopping, then I passed Ezra and Sabine, “more rebel scum;” I kept my pace.

MILE 2-5: The course then took us into Disneyland. And by It’s a Small World, I saw the First Order symbol at the Photo Op stop, but it wasn’t my cupcake. But it was two stormtroopers, the dark side, so I got in line.  

I ran on, coming to a photo op line by Star Tours. “This must be my cupcake!” The line was long, so I ran to the front of the line to see who it was. BB8. Meh. I do love that droid, but didn’t want to wait that long. I ran on, knowing not much of Disneyland was left on the course, and I knew that my cupcake wouldn’t be beyond the parks. “Maybe my cupcake is near the finish line.” I convinced myself.

MILE 5-8: IT’S A TRAP!: The course had us running down Harbor Boulevard. Total freak out! Flimsy cones separated us from the traffic moving on both sides. I was in dire need of a rest and wanted to get past this part of the course. I pushed myself, but the course continued down the middle of moving traffic. My back was stiffening up and two of my toes had stuck together and were going numb. I felt like I had an inflating and tightening brace on my lower back. I had to stop. I stretched my back and took off my shoe. Big mistake as my arthritic hip rebelled as I tried to get it back on. I then had no will to jog. Walking, however, made my back feel worse. I stopped to stretch again and started a slow jog. My back seemed to like that better. 

YOUR FOCUS DETERMINES YOUR REALITY

MILE 8-11: Muscle memory kick in, I envisioned my cupcake, and I relaxed into a slow, comforting jog. I jogged past a group of cosplayers with amazing costumes cheering us on. It would have been an amazing pic; there was even someone dressed as my cupcake! But i felt that if I stopped, I would die. Okay, maybe not die, but it might be hard to move again. I pushed on jogging a few steps, walking a few, jogging a few, walking a few, stretching, walking, jogging, walking, stretching. The next medical tent I came up on, I took a big pump from the Bio Freeze jug and slathered it on my lower back and stretched. It allowed me to jog slowly another mile or so.

STAY ON TARGET

MILE 11-13:  My feet were in the early stage of blister formation just past mile 11. I told myself, “I’m too old for this. I am NOT doing this again. 10K is enough. I just need to stay upright. I was walking slowly at this time as my arthritic hip was having no more of this mobility shit. I hit the 12th mile and stopped for a good stretch. I walked a half mile more chanting to myself, “I’m dying. Dying.”  I walked into the final stretch in Downtown Disney and forced myself to jog, to salvage what I could of my time and because I would get to the finish line faster than if I walked, and I still had hope for a photo op with my cupcake. Plus thinking about my delicious cupcake diverts my focus away from fatigue. 

I managed to eek a smile on my face for the finish line photo, so happy to get that medal!

MOVE ALONG, MOVE ALONG

I stretched my screaming muscles, fighting to stay upright and prevent total shut down. I fantasized about a dip in a cold pool and soak in a warm spa, so I had to move along before my legs and feet completely gave out on me. Barely ambulatory, I shuffled through the loooong security line, across Downtown Disney then up the street to my hotel. At a Hutt’s pace, I made it back with just enough time to pack my bag and sink into the bed for a few minutes.  No pool. No spa. Sigh.

Once home, I foam rolled my muscles and lay on an ice bed (and you see, next to me, the dog survived)  

While the tub filled for an epsom salt bath, I moped: angry then sad about my cupcake’s absence and pathetic run time, “I should have completed my training,” unhappy with the regret I would live with since I had been certain I would never try it again. “But why not?” I surprised myself as I began planning. “I have a year to train for next year’s race.” And since my inspiration usually comes from Star Wars, I heard Darth Vader command, “I will complete your training.” I sprinkled in my epsom salts into the water, got in and lay in that warm bliss, pleased with my decision made under the watchful eyes of my Lord Vader.

© 2017 Sheila Wright