diaryofanunmotivatedgirl

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

2am thoughts

ive seen a lot scapes to the endless array of scopes

to think ill grew fondly of the infos ive succumbed

from dashing romance to political stance

i envy you thats the thing ive always been

to lie is my main

the tragic slope of this majestic life

philosophically happiness is a myth

others tell you satisfaction is enough

longing for life just feels impossible

the single thread that holds me infinitely crumbles

i had to painfully stitch the miniscule threads back

as it crumbles again

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

hi!

i just would like to write something.

something baeen bothering me for the past few days. ive been sexually curious and im leaving my prayers.

no i dont touch myself. i just read erotic books to satisfy whatever this is. it confuses me and i spend more time imagining what would it feel to be in one. most of the times, these books im reading gets so boring and gets so detailed in their writing that i stop.

im not sure i want to be married yet but im thinking that spending the first night in my honeymoon losing it, wouldnt be so bad.

sometimes a disgusting thought would cross my kind but i know i would never do that.

if i find someone i like then ill be jumping into this open arms as soon as he pops the question. i just hope this problem wont cloud my decision making skills.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

i have just read a post a girl removing her hijab on the beach when no one was around and she felt the enormous amount of relief when she took it off but as she sees figures approaching. she contemplates whether to continue walking bsck to her car without putting back her hijab. no one knew her but she still put her hijab back.

the amount of joy she felt when she removed her hijab was still incomparable to her faith with Allah. as she compared, we, as women, could never have the amount of sacrifice as those to men. the amount of hate and prejudices given to us yet we still uphold this cover and gladly die with our hijab on.

our hijab signifies the loyalty and patience we have for Allah. indeed jannah is the only thing in this world that has kept me going.

in the times where i did removed my hijab, as i looked back there's this weight of guilt on me telling me that i have abandoned my faith momentarily for a taste of dunya. in the hopes of enjoying the moment, i had only regret it.

for now i cry and cry and repent on those times where i have shown my awra for i knew Allah was not pleased with me.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

a love letter to the girl i was when i just graduated

hello honey

well here you are mighty as you could ever be. you're now such an invincible person. you got great workmates who means the whole world now.

you still get the occasional what ifs and dont but i notice that doesnt last the whole night and you dont need to sleep on it.

you see yourself in the mirror with full of love now. i dont knwo if ita just the money youre earning but now you take a great deal of taking of yourself.

youre in love with Allah more than anything. each and everytime you think theres you thanking Him in every possible way. the blessing you have right now overflows

youre now enjoying every freedom you get. you enjoy things differently now and now youre so much mature with each and every topic. history tells you things people dont realize everyday.

i see this tumblr posts from before and i get to see you. youre fine now. more than fine. just like you said, pain promotes growth. youve got every growth you need right now and that is what all that matters.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

i think i know myself pretty good.

i know that i like reading stories. i like feeling things that i dont feel all the time. reading stories makes me feel i can be anyone. not exceeding Allah but theres so much things Allah has created that i wanted to explore everything that He did. it brought me great joy to learn that studying Allah's creation is an act of worship. with this i feel as if i have live a thousand lives.

i find my thousand lives in history, fictional worlds, songs and poems. i imagine myself in people in stories i have read. i feel emotions through songs and poems.

thats why it was such a bummer to hear that music is not halal.

i still have to find my answer though. i still dont understand how music is haram when music is a part of civilisation. a lot of muslim civilisation has music within them. Allah has created music for these civilisation but why does it have to be haram?

moderation is always been highlighted as part of the theology of islam. so why are all music haram?

i hope i find a way an answer to this soon before i succumb to the hellhole of music. i afraid i may never stop if did.

may Allah help me in this adversity.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

I became an ELF in the Summer of June of 2012. I was so bored one day at home. That time, I started living away from my family because I need to study. I remember liking the song Mr. Simple so I searched the MV. Let's just say I was immediately hook. SFS was my first comeback as an ELF. 2013 was a tough year for SuJu as they didnt have a comeback because of their military and I started finding another fandom but when they came back with Mamacita. I got reeled back to the fandom hard. I was also having a hard time in school that time and I found comfort in their song 'Raining Spell for Love'. I remember sleepless nights crying to this song. I felt so much comfort just listening to this song that when I wake up the next day its as if my sadness didnt even exist.

Mamacita era ended and I wasn't hooked with Devil and Magic era because I wasnt able to stream as much and I started college then and I want to help my parents as much as possible so I studied well. I still streamed their songs but didnt have the connection before where I wouldnt even skip their songs. Black Suit, Lo Siento and One more time era came and it was still the same. Listened but not hooked.

Then I heard SS7 in Manila was going to happen. I didnt go. It didnt hype me much so I really didnt bother.

2 years into college I got depressed. And when I started internship, it became seriously worse. I didnt know what will I do after a graduate. I was so scared of the real world that it gave me panic attacks. My mother always worried about me because she didnt know what was happening to me as I was doing great with studies.

I talked to my mother that maybe I was just tired. Tired from life. So I talked to my mom if I could take a break after graduating before taking the board exam for a license of my pursued profession.

6 months later and I'm still the same person as I was before. I graduated but I'm depressed, still tired, not looking forward in life and I'm so lost with life. I felt like going no where with my life. I was already having suicidal thoughts and worry grew over my mother. I was always stuck in bed for days. I would only get up to eat or to go to the bathroom.

One day, I scrolled through Facebook and saw that Kyuhyun was discharged from the army and that they will be preparing for an album. For the first time in 5 years, I was excited for their comeback. I was happy somehow again. For the first time in months I was looking forward to something again. I got to stream their comeback live. I was so happy. I kept streaming their variety shows. I was so active this Super clap era.

Then SS8 in Manila was announced. I begged my mother to allow me to go. She eventually said yes. I had fun camping as I wait for ticket selling inside the mall. Met a lot of other Elfs. I was enjoying myself.

Concert Day came and I was so ecstatic. I tried to memorize their faces . I keep staring at them. I get to hear a lot of my favorite songs in SS8. There was a moment in #SS8inManila where Leeteuk said there are already preparing for an album and anticipate to see them again in SS9 in the Philippines. Beforehand, I told myself that this will be my first and last concert. Because since I am in my early 20s, I kind of wanted to have a goodbye to my childhood idols. But when Leeteuk said that, something in me ignited. I dont know what it was but I was sure I wanted to attend a Super Show again.

It was not until I came home after the concert that I started crying so hard. I looked at my pictures where I took a pic of my LS with the Sapphire Blue ocean. I remembered my dream back in 2012 that being part of the Sapphire Blue ocean will make me the happiest girl alive. I just then realized that I fulfilled the dream of my 12 year old self. If my old self was looking at me now, she will be so proud of me despite of all the things I did.

I then remembered my current dream The dream of becoming a doctor. The dream of helping others when they are in pain. Days before the concert I felt like that dream were so hard to achieve and is so far away that I dont deserve to even have it. Now, Super Junior made me realize that I'm worthy. I'm still worthy for my dreams.

I cried in front of my mother that day. I said that I was okay now. That she didnt need to worry about me anymore. My mother hugged me hard and she was smiling so widely. I cried hard again. I was finally happy.

Now I am preparing for my board exams, with my heads up high because I know Super Junior is my safe place and that they wont let me slip into the dark place again. That thought alone makes my heart swell with happiness.

Now going back, I thought of how was I coping with sadness then, it was not until the concert that I realized that Super Junior was the reason I didnt became sad. They helped me so much in ways I didnt even know. Now as I look into the future, I will walk in a flower path. I will be forever in debt to Super Junior. They saved me. And I do believe this song was God sent because every line here desribes how I am feeling now. I feel as if this song is just for me. They helped me again in finding my path. I found my happiness again. I will always be thankful to Super Junior and I will forever return the favor. Always an ELF, Forever an ELF.💙💙

Thank you for reading up to this point. I do hope you also find your happiness. I bless you in all of your endeavors and may you and your loved ones be rained with good things and blessings. 💙💙💙

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

goodbye earth for your loving nature, for your breathtaking landscape, for your life.

goodbye life as i think at night how when and where will i end it.

goodbye families and friends for i never know how to keep ties and bonds. ive only seen them in movies and books but i could never really understand how it blossoms.

goodbye me, for you tried the hardest to keep a normal life to what to understand and always think on what to do.

goodbye sadness for you had been my only friend who hugged me in the cold nights while i lay still wrapping myself with a blanket.

goodbye tears that i have shed throughout my life. you were good too but i only made myself dehydrated

goodbye

thank you ya allah for this life. your slave cant do it no more. you have made me strong but i cant imagine myself thinking like this for another 20 years.

but then again if im not okay in the end maybe its not the end.

ya allah help me try to forgive myself and let me learn to love myself. ill make it into it i wont talk to other people about how they live their life.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

i say im a glass half full always but in reality im a glass half empty

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

dec 5 2020

may allah guide you from here and forever.

its been almost a month since i started praying 5 times a day.

i changed when i started learning about the ottoman empire. thanks to that tiny crush i had with the actor in the rise of empires.

but even before that i became more interested in history whilst in this pandemic. another factor is the drawings drawn towards prophet muhammad (saw) in charlie hebdo. that specific event turned my life upside down.

im performing my daily routine with so much ease. i dont overthink anymore. ive been practicing dhikr and it helped a lot. they are things you just cant control and knowing the One who has control of it is right beside you. learning His books helps a lot and it doesnt help with the fact what terrorists claims.

the quran talks about love of His creation and love to His prophets. there was no hint of violence but only in defense. the history of tgese terrorists doesnt help too. it doesnt add up to what the quran says.

ive been allah swt every mnow and then and it feels like every pain and suffering i had vanished. that pain He has given just proves that he wants to make me better. the suffering will never end but with Him it will be at ease.

im not scared anymore. im not the shivering kid in the middle of the rain not looking for shelter because im scared to look for one. but i am now the shivering kid making my own shelter as i look for a sturdier one.

all those prayers without intent. all those visits to makkah without knowing the privilege i have to be there. these are all regrets i have. my salat has now meaning.

i was lost but now i was found. after years and years looking for a cure, it was all beside me all along. it wasnt suju who healed me. indeed it was Allah swt. im thankful to my Creator.

even if somewhere and somehow this isnt any of it real im glad i found islam.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

maybe the reason why no one courts me yet, is because im not really anyone's type.

i remember saying to my sister once that i am so ugly.

she said that if i only try to make myself pretty once a while i wont be.

if she only knew that i DO try to make myself pretty everyday.

i look at myself at the reflection, and its so ugly. i didnt know being pretty and becoming beautiful takes a lot of hardwork

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

october 22, 2019

im stuck in bed for 3 days now, not having the will to do things. i stare and stare and stare. i want to cry. but i cant cry. its weird. i just feel heavy and only have the urge to stare at something for so long. when im tired of that, i scroll my phone occasionally laughing.

december 21, 2019

listening to somebody new by suju is making me cry so hard. on this day, a spark ignited inside me: a will to continue at life. i had the courage again to take my first step again.

march 4, 2020

here i am alive and happy. my mind is at ease. i cried at the words " im proud of you." when my lecturer told it at class today. i never thought i would be here now. pain does promote growth.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

indeed pain is growth 💙

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

lets do this.

pain promotes growth.

and you have all the pain you can get.

dont give up on this. you can do it.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

i hated my body as a kid

i never liked my body truly.

i went through my puberty and noticed that most girls wanted to be thin and be pretty to attract guys.

but i never thought of things like that as a kid. i became fat and i had all these stretch marks growing on my skin and i didnt even ask what they were. my mom noticed the stretchmarks and she told me to take care of having stretchmarks but i didnt care.

reminiscing about it, i think the reason i never got to care about my body is because i never really wanted to look pretty because i was afraid of being touched in places i dont want.

i concluded as a child that if i became ugly, no one would touch me and it did its job.

well now, adult me sympathises and i want to make my young self loves itself in its adult self someday.

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

love letter to that guy who make me laugh

she make sure she shares anything with you. not knowing you were the guy behind me making all the noise and making me laugh.

it was one time where you whistling to into the unknown and singing in a very low tone that made me question my liking. i thought i liked this other guy who were at the back, that i suddenly like because he smiled back at me.

i guess you could never really know who you really like, huh?

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

feb 19, 2020 6:22 pm PST

not today anxiety, not today

[diaryofanunmotivatedgirl]

i told my life what i was like 6 months ago.

3 of them got teary eyed and i thought i was the type of person that could never get sympathy. because i think i always look strong and i always knew what to do when something arises.