diaryofaladysquid

[diaryofaladysquid]

"There's a Starman!"

05/04/24

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

Three days ago was your birthday, you're my little star. You've taught me so much even though you don't even know words. People don't see you the way I do. They think you're just some mindless creature, but to me, you're family, the only family I've really had. You always forgive me. You don't get mad. You love it when I come home. You are a beacon of hope, and you don't even realize. I push myself to be happy because I want you to relax one day and see that I got it. I want to make you have the best life. You make me see that I can he tender, I can be loving, I can be motherly. Every time I tell you I love you, before I leave for work, I think that you understand those words in your own little way. Who knew I was talking about a little shiba inu named Rocket?

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

Part of me is scared, though. You're six years old, you're becoming a big boy, and I'm becoming a full-grown woman. But unfortunately, the hand on the clock never stops moving forward. I fear for the day I won't be able to greet you at the door or sleep on your tuft of fur. I've never lost something I've truly cared for, and I don't think I could handle it. You have been my rock. You have helped me through things that a little innocent pup couldn't imagine. But, despite this, I'm glad I met you on that fateful day at the pet store. You'll forever be a part of me, and everything I do now and even when you're gone will be that you can see your owner be the best she can be, for you my little starman.

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

Dogs truly are a man's best friend.

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

[diaryofaladysquid]

"Baby loves to dance in the dark."

03/20/24

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

I've wasted so much time away dancing alone in my room, dreaming of what my life could be. A life where I achieved everything I set out. But when I come down and the sparkles and hope disappear, I realize I'm stuck. I'm suspended in my child like state, trying to escape everything around me. But time is ticking, and I keep wasting more time. How do I get out of this loop of losing myself in this maldaptive day dream. I want to create, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to be beautiful, I don't wanna be bipolar anymore. I feel on the verge of insanity as I keep floating between awake in a reality I don't want and my brain showing me what it could be. Every night, I get so so so high, and then I fall fall so low. I want the cycle to end. How do I make it end? I feel like I'm going insane. If I grow old and I don't achieve anything I've ever wanted, I will kill myself. That I can promise to myself that if I can't escape this never-ending cycle of time wasting and daydreaming, I will do myself the favor and end it more permanently. I feel so out of it right now, but this is the best I could for right now. I just needed to blurt out the feeling, I needed to acknowledge this problem, I need something to see it, and this lonely little blog will do just that. If anyone is reading, I feel like I'm losing the battle and I'm giving up slowly.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

[diaryofaladysquid]

"It'll Pass"

03/10/24

𓆩♡𓆪

It hurts so much to hear these words. Because it hasn't gone away, and I don't think it ever will. But I have to promise myself to lock away those feelings and never open them up again. I have to pretend like whatever I felt was all just a fleeting emotion because it's the only way I can protect myself. Deep down, I wish you felt the same, but I knew that it would never be that way. I tried looking up advice and asking friends because I'm too scared to open up the conversation again. But I'm holding out on hope for something that isn't there. So this post will be my last secret letter to you. Before I lock all my feelings away and drop them into the pits of my despair. So yea, maybe you're right.... I guess it'll pass.

𓆩♡𓆪

[diaryofaladysquid]

"Oh, all I've wanted was a life in your shape."

𓆩♡𓆪

02/28/24

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

Well, I did it. I said how I felt, and it went exactly how I thought. I just knew I should've never let my friends talk me into such things. Its funny, they see me as some sweet, beautiful, awesome girl. But these are just words they tell me to make me feel better. When in reality, I am nothing to anyone. Everyone always yells at me to do better, find better, and have better standards. Yet every time I try, I'm rejected. I'm destined to be a girl who is used for her medicore body until the better one comes along. It is because I am an undesirable woman.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

-Mommy issues

-Daddy issues

-Bipolar 1, PTSD, Anxiety

-Chubby

-Black

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

It seems all the odds are stacked against me. Not to mention, my personality is odd, and I'm into weird niche nerdy shit. It seems all my life I've always been an outcast, and I could never truly understand why. Am I really that ugly? Or am I just a terrible person due to my mental illness. It seems no one around me understands. They all tell the same. "It'll get better. It'll be okay." While their lives are actively better than mine. I guess it's easy to root for the underdog when you aren't there. Hope is for those who had a chance to begin with. Once I was born into this family, it was all downhill from here. I mean, my mother is drowning in debt and alone. My brother has no friends or a partner, and a crippling drug and alcohol addiction. My sister sells her body and has been assaulted multiple times. My grandmother married a man she doesn't love and is stuck taking care of him. Everyone around me tells me it'll all be okay, but I already see my future ahead of me. No matter what strides I make for change, I'll be like them....because I am them.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

I feel so much anger and resentment. A deep, deep sadness. I'm 22. I have barely experienced anything... I wish I could be one of the most popular, pretty blonde girls. The ones my exes would tell me they'd rather be with. I probably would've never felt such things. I would have every boy at my feet. Even now, I wonder what you meant when you said how I feel for you "will pass" it hasn't. And I'm scared it won't. You don't meet the same person twice. I just hope one day you see how amazing you are. Even if you never feel the same about me, the least you deserve is to know that you deserve love. The same way you always lift me up in your own little weird way.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

I wish I could be the high value girl. I wish I could be the pretty popular girl. I wish I could have a pretty body and a better personality. I wish I could be that girl that you can show off so that you can feel that self-confidence in yourself. But unfortunately I am damaged.....I wish I could be her. For you.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

[diaryofaladysquid]

"But Who Really Cares?"

𓆩♡𓆪

02/27/24

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

I wasn't expecting to see you again, but it seemed to have flooded my mind with everything I've ever felt. I've had so many things to tell you, but when you finally gave me that moment, I let it slip. My words became tied as soon as your eyes gazed into mine. I was always scared of eye contact. Pathetic, I know. The time has passed, and I long to tell you how I feel when I know you'd never see me that way, so who really cares? I keep telling myself this, yet I feel so consumed by the thoughts of "what if?"

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

"Because it was all in my mind to begin with."

I keep replaying every moment of our time together. Was it all in my head? Were all those things I thought were "subtle hints" really just you being kind? Was everything you ever done, just acts of friendship? My desperation for love and affection made me delusional? If you had felt the same, wouldn't you have just told me by now? It's been since 7th grade.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

I've told myself my whole life that I wasn't a girl who deserved love. But, when I am with you. I feel like maybe that isn't so true, that maybe someone is out there who wants the best for me and actually enjoys my company. You get so sad when I tell you how lonely I am or how much I thought you hated me. But maybe this moment was to rebuild what we had lost. I wish you could see this entry and give me another sign. I'm scared of ruining what we have, but I don't think I could bear seeing you with another.

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚

╔══ ஓ๑♡๑ஓ ══╗