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[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Havent said anything in a while. My gender has been…a mess lol. I identified as a trans man until around May 2020. I then started identifying as nonbinary because that felt more accurate. But Ive really struggled with feelings of being feminine due to wanting male validation. And I dont know. Lately Ive been feeling really masc again and wanting to present more masc. i hate not knowing. I wish I could just know my gender or someone could tell me. Itd be so much easier than always feeling like Im in limbo

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

one thing that i haven’t consolidated my thoughts on yet is like, the importance of “”“"weird”“”“ gender microlabels when you’re starting to realise you’re nb

like i had a “weird” label at first and i realised just now that in my particular case it was that i’d gone so long with a certain understanding of what “girl” was, to whit, i presumed i was a girl and so the way i felt was how Girls Felt

and when my unease with that came to a head i was still thinking in those ways, i mean i hadn’t been able to pin down What Gender Was and so saying something like, stargender i think it was, that was cool because it gave me a starting point to begin talking about my experience of gender

i was unlearning a lot of what i’d previously believed and that meant i had a lot i found i couldn’t articulate and that language, the “aesthetic” language or however people denigrate it, let me talk about it when i was too tangled to express it another way

and now i think i have more of a solid handle on what gender is for me, and i’ve leaned into more mainstream language

which is absolutely Not to say that all people who use “”“weird”“” terms are in the unlearning process or won’t always use those terms but is instead to say that microlabels aren’t actually muddying the waters at all

the waters are already muddy and microlabels are actually useful and helpful, no matter what people say

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Hm. It seems as if I underestimated the “I AM MAN HEAR ME ROAR” style of deodorant. I have to use some of that now since I ran out of normal scent deoderant, but I must admit, the masculinity affirmation the new deodorant provides gives me a burst of gender euphoria. I’m sorry I hated on you before, “I AM MAN HEAR ME ROAR” deodorant

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

There’s this weird thing about being AFAB and nonbinary, especially when you’re still in the closet and/or choosing to present as feminine, cause like… you’re very much not a woman, and you don’t want people to think you’re one. But at the same time, there’s still a hard connection to the concept of being a woman, and all that comes with it, because sexism is just such an omnipresent part in the lives of anyone that appears to be a woman, regardless of if they actually are. I’m agender. I’m not a woman, and I really don’t like being referred to as one. But with stuff that’s specifically for/about women, I don’t view myself as being an outsider. Obviously, my connection to fellow enby people is much stronger, but on some level my mind still views women as being my people.

I’m nonbinary. Before I knew better, I used to think I was a cis girl. Now I know I’m not, but the sense of solidarity and belonging is still there, and I don’t think it’s going anywhere. When I need to interact with a stranger, I’d rather go to a woman. When there’s no gender neutral bathroom, I use the ladies room without even thinking. I talk about women’s rights as someone that’s directly affected, not an outside observer.

I still see strange men as potential threats, while strange women are potential allies.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Just got in a huge mood where I wanna come out to everyone as nonbinary and pan. I just want everyone to know instead of feeling like I’m trapped in this stupid body. I also have a huge ass crush on a dude and I just want him to know hey I am i to guys but also Im not a girl so heads up. And then I wanna see where it goes from there and shit like that bc....he’s fucking adorable but also hot and I just hate having feelings bc of shit like this.

But thats a huge reason I want to come out. The biggeat reason is I’m tired of not feeling like me and tired of feeling like I’m hiding and I hate it. I just want people to know and for it to not be a big deal. Why does it have to be a big deal? I just want to be myself and I can’t right now and I hate that its too much to ask. Why can’t I just be me?

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

By Amanda Jette on upworthy.com —

Society, pay attention. This is important.

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It’s been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She’s known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her “he” and “him” and “Mr.” for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that’s when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

They got her a beautiful lily with a “Welcome, Zoe!” card:

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. “meeting” she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

NO, I’M NOT CRYING. YOU’RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife’s office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and “religious freedom” laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can’t travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I’m going to share it far and wide. Let’s normalize this stuff. Let’s make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It’s a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It’s way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

“protect trans youth of color”

~ req. by: anonymous

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

What taking testosterone will change: 

- how much body hair you’ll naturally grow (hint: a whole lot more)

- your muscle mass. you’ll gain muscle taking T, especially in the shoulders and you’ll lose body fat in the hips. it’s different to everyone how the body fat is redistributed but taking T is the best time to get in an exercise routine because you’ll gain muscle a lot faster. 

- your clit is gonna get huge within like the first two weeks. get ready

- you could get mood swings when you first start because it’s Puberty: The Sequel

- within the 3 months you’ll notice your voice dropping

-hunger and hot flashes. Hunger and Hot Flashes

- you may notice that a lot of anxiety is going away! that’s because testosterone (may possibly, this one is just my experience) can help mellow you out, and also some aspects of your dysphoria (high pitched voice, periods) are going away!

- also menstruation will stop by or even before month 5! 

What taking testosterone WON’T change:

-your aggression. you are not going to turn into some out-of-control rage beast. if you are, then you probably need to talk to your doctor about it. T can give you mood swings because of, like I said, you are going through puberty again, but it’s not going to make you an angry person. 

-your personality. i say this all the time, but deciding to transition does not equal deciding to be a brand new person. you are still you! in fact, transition means that you are becoming more you than ever! adding testosterone to your body is just something that you decided you’ve been missing to help you grow into the great person that you are!

-your overall health. of course, there are concerns when taking a new hormone, but if you look at the health risks, it’s mostly risks that cisgender men typically have. Increased heart issues? That’s a cisman thing. And the increased risk for problems in your ovaries/uterus? I mean, yeah, people who naturally produce the levels of testosterone that we are going for usually don’t have ovaries. So that one makes sense, you know?

Moral of the story is we need to stop scaring people who are taking hormones! Yes, it’s a big step and an important decision, but it’s has nothing to do with changing who you are on the inside. In the end, you are still who you are, just with a few different features! 

The stereotype that transgender men are sweet, soft boys before T and then afterwards are hairy, aggressive men is problematic and very tiring. 

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Lee says:

Here’s a transitioning starter pack for all my trans folk out there!

Transfeminine resources:

Presentation:

Tucking

Chest area

Voice

Broad shoulders tips

Hair removal

Feminine walk

Curves

Waist training

Growing out your hair

Clothing

Makeup

Passing

Medical transitioning:

Not medically transitioning

Fertility

Puberty blockers

Estrogen & anti-androgens/testosterone blockers FAQ

The types of surgery available

Surgery: A guide for transfeminine people

Pumping (Silicone injections)

Facial Feminization Options

Breast Augmentation

Other:

Representation

Transfeminine period dysphoria

Yes, Transfeminine People Can Get Period Symptoms

Slipping into masculinity

Women’s restroom etiquette

Transfeminine people can breastfeed

Having sex or masturbating

Transmasculine resources:

Presentation:

Binding FAQ

Clothing

Facial hair

Masculine makeup

Getting short hair / Masculine long hair

If you can’t start T

Lowering your voice

Packing and standing to pee

Passing as male

Not shaving legs

Medical transitioning:

Not medically transitioning

Fertility

Puberty blockers

Testosterone FAQ

Top surgery

Facial masculinization surgery

Body masculinization surgery

Hysterectomy and oophorectomy

Bottom surgery (genital surgery)

Other:

Periods and related things

Help! I need to see a gyno

Pumping

Masturbation and sex

Using the men’s bathroom

Hudson’s FTM Guide

Height dysphoria

Hip dysphoria

More resources:

What gender am I? A brief intro to questioning

Trans 101 for trans people

What is the transgender umbrella?

How do I choose a name?

How do I come out at work/school or to family/friends?

Dysphoria info and tips page

Mental health coping page

Being trans in school

Non-binary resources

Resources to send allies/friends

A page to send to parents/guardians

Convincing someone to respect name/pronouns 

Here is how to get hormones in the US

Here is how to get hormones in the UK

Here’s a US resource with info on changing legally changing your name and gender marker 

Here is a UK resource with info on changing legally changing your name and gender marker

What are the WPATH-SOC guidelines?

How to save money

How to buy a trans-related item online without parents knowing

I have to go swimming, what do I wear/do?

Trying to sleep when you have dysphoria

Traveling by plane

Gender neutral bathrooms

Getting insurance to cover your transition

Does transitioning help mental health?

Trans teen’s experiences with inpatient hospitalization

Trans identity isn’t a mental disorder

Being religious and LGBT

Suicide and crisis hotlines

Transgender Lives: Your Stories (to see trans adults) 

Gender neutral pronouns in Spanish

Gender Variance Around the World Over Time

A map of gender-diverse cultures

American LGBT history by the National Parks Service

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

What Am I?

“I feel [thoughts, feelings]. What am I?”

We can’t answer that. The only person who can…is you. However, we are able to suggest terms you may identify with and encourage you. 

Maybe your friend said she doesn’t think you seem non-binary, or your mom said you don’t act like a trans guy would so you can’t be trans. It can be hard to do, but you need to push those comments aside and trust in yourself. 

Don’t let other people’s opinions determine how you identify- they aren’t the one in your head having your experiences and feelings, you are. And again, you are only one who can figure out your gender.

Check out the trans umbrella for a definition of trans identity if you’re not sure you know what it means to be trans or non-binary.

If you can’t meet other trans people in real life, we would recommend following trans people on tumblr or other social media. You can find plenty of people who would be willing to talk to you about your gender or their own experience with questioning. And this is a free Virtual Gender Identity Support Group you could join! 

“What if I don’t have dysphoria about X thing, or I do have dysphoria about Y gendered feature? What am I then?”

Again, we can’t choose a label for you! 

But it’s important to know that non-binary people can have dysphoria about different things, including top/chest dysphoria and lower/genital dysphoria. So you can be non-binary, for example, and want to get lower surgery.

And it’s also important to know that binary people (ie trans men and trans women) don’t have to have dysphoria about any particular thing, so you can be a trans woman, for example, but not have any issue with your genitals or not want to be on estrogen.

So any trans person (and that includes nb folk) can experience any type of gender dysphoria or gender euphoria (or the lack thereof), and having dysphoria or not having dysphoria isn’t limited to people with a certain label or required of people with a certain label. More info on all of that is in our Dysphoria page.

What label should I use?

The links below have some label ideas and definitions! 

If you don’t like a label, then you don’t have to use it. You should choose whatever gender identity term is the most comfortable for you, whether that means choosing something well-known or deciding to go with a micro-label.

Gender identities:

NB Flowchart

Long list of genders

Neurogenders

Sexual orientations:

Sexualities

Non-binary sexualities

Mlm, wlw, nblnb, etc

Sexuality chart

Look into what you think fits you and feels the most right and comfortable, and f you feel like you really like a certain label, and you’re drawn to it, then that might be an indicator it’s right for you! But there’s no time limit before you have to choose one, and it’s okay to explore things!

We also have tags for different genders or sexualities (such as /tagged/bigender) if you want more info. 

Go to your browser like Chrome or Safari and type https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/tagged/insertidentity if you can’t search the blog on your mobile app! And replace insert identity with the word you’re looking for.

“I didn’t suspect I am trans until I was [x age], so am I still valid?

Yes, you’re valid! Not everyone realizes they’re trans in childhood like the narrative pushed at you by the media says, and that’s totally okay. In fact, the majority of trans people probably don’t realize as children, or don’t have the language to label their feelings as children, or don’t have as gendered bodies yet, or aren’t expected to fit into gender roles as kids yet so they don’t realize they’re in the wrong one, or the converse where they have their self-identification invalidated and knocked down so they don’t have a welcoming environment to explore and grow and therefore don’t identify as trans yet. There are many reasons people don’t necessarily know they’re trans when they’re children, and they’re all valid.

Many of our mods realized as teens (Read the When did you know you were trans? post for more info on realizing as a teen or child) but that isn’t because most people realize at the age we did, it’s because this is a blog that looks for teenage mods (so the advice is from your peers and mostly not from adults) and that means you’ll have mods who realized as teens or occasionally younger.

So some people realize as children, some people realize during puberty, some people realize in high school, some people realize as adults, and it’s all normal, valid, and okay.

Here are a few basic steps to get you started on your journey:

Daydreaming. Think of the future; maybe you have the perfect occupation, or children, or life partner(s), or all three? Or perhaps you’re supreme dictator of Earth? No matter where you are, what do you look like? A man, a woman, someone in between, both, neither, etc.? The image you have in mind could be indicative of who you feel you are, or who you want to be.

Stating your gender. Look in the mirror. State, “I am a boy/girl/etc.,” or, “I am not [assigned gender].” Does it feel right? Does it feel comfortable? This could be indicative of who you feel you are, or who you want to be! There’s nothing wrong with questioning and trying on a label for a while to see if it fits you.

Being called your chosen name/pronouns. (Please note that you do not have to change your name or pronouns to be transgender.) Think of a close friend who you trust and feel would support and respect you during this time. Say to them, “I am questioning my gender and I would like you to call me (insert name here) and use (insert pronouns here) for me when other people aren’t around.” A good friend will agree. If it feels right for them to call you your chosen name, that could be an indicator. 

It will feel weird at first to have your friend call you your chosen name, but you’ll get comfortable with it if it is right. The same goes for your gender pronouns! There’s definitely an adjustment period before it feels normal, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t click immediately. 

However, you don’t have to tell your friends right away. There isn’t a time limit before it’s too late to come out, and you can come out whenever you’re ready to do so. If you aren’t ready to tell friends that you’re questioning, these three websites will help you practice pronouns:

http://www.practicewithpronouns.com (TW for some disturbing sentences, they’re modeled after the Welcome to Nightvale podcast)

https://minus18.org.au/pronouns-app/

http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/

Experiment. For people or beings who think they may be transmasculine, you could pack with a sock, purchase a chest binder, dress in “masculine” clothing, or talk to masc-identified people or beings! For people or beings who think they may be transfeminine, you can try on makeup, dress in “feminine” clothing, or talk to femme-identified people or beings! 

You don’t need to rush into anything. You can try things for as long as you want.

Gender expression ≠ gender identity, as shown on the genderbread person, so course it’s valid to be both gender non-conforming and a trans person, like being a trans guy who likes dresses, or a trans girl who is a tomboy, and liking a feminine or masculine presentation doesn’t inherently make you trans. 

If you decide you’re not trans, you’ve still had an adventure into gender that likely widened your understanding of your own self and your understanding of other people- no harm done.

Being yourself is important, even if you end up identifying as cis instead of trans, so don’t worry about whether you’re “allowed” to bind/paint your nails, etc, and just do whatever makes you feel comfortable because everyone is allowed to express themselves in whatever way they want to, and that includes cis people. 

Research. If you don’t know much about being transgender, look here to start. Google is your friend! Check out videos on YouTube, talk to people who are on hormones or have had surgeries, and definitely check out our transmasculine resources or our transfeminine resources. 

Look into surgeries and hormones, if this is something that interests you- but don’t actually start the process of getting them until you’re sure it’s what you need. Just becoming aware of your medical transition options might help- if you feel like it’s something you might want, then that might be an indicator of your identity. But please note that you do not have to want to get surgery or go on hormones to be transgender, and you can want surgery/hormones and be non-binary, or not want surgery and be a man or woman. 

Try to avoid online “gender quizzes” that ask you stuff like your personality and your height or your hobbies to figure out if you’re trans. They’re pretty much nonsense- only you can figure out your identity, and the quizzes tend to rely on stereotypes.

Here are some links that may be helpful:

What does gender feel for trans people?

What does it mean to be trans?

Questioning when Autistic

Questions to ask instead of “Am I trans?”

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Writing things down

If You’re Asking, ‘Am I Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Trans? Queer?’ Here’s a Start

Some general advice

I Think I Might Be Trans: 8 Important Notes On Questioning

How do I know if I’m really trans?

The Gender Playbook: A Guide to Figuring Out Your Non-Binary Identity

Gender Questioning?

Rules for questioning your gender

Still confused? Try this.

One in Every 137 Teenagers Would Identify as Transgender, Report Says

You don’t have to be super-duper uncomfortable with being the gender you were assigned at birth to be allowed to identify as trans- no particular amount of dysphoria is required. If you would just be happier or more comfortable identifying as a different gender, you’re still trans enough. Gender euphoria is a thing!

There’s nothing wrong with questioning your gender, and it doesn’t hurt other trans people or take away from the community or anything. In the end, you’ll have just learned more about yourself and about the trans community- and that’s a happy ending regardless of whether you end up deciding you’re trans or cis.

“But what if I don’t want to be trans?”

Check that link!

If you have any further questions, feel free to ask us, but we can’t tell you who you are since only you can know that. Remember, it’s okay to take your time to figure it out but the way you feel now is valid and important! 

Followers, feel free to add on with more tips that helped you when you were questioning!

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Every breath a trans person takes is an act of revolution …So keep breathing

Short one page comic to help remind you to breathe even when you feel like you’re suffocating.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

good things about being trans:

we talk about how shitty dysphoria, medical shit, and discrimination is all the time. i’m putting out some good vibes today <3 

(and of course if you’re nonbinary this also applies to you!)

1. tfw a stranger who is also trans sees your pronoun pin/pride sticker or whatever and you just have that microsecond of connection between you and someone you don’t know. idk why it’s just so wonderful to see other trans people out in public. it just reminds me that there are so many of us, and that we can grow up to be healthy adults and it’s all gonna be okay.

2. that first time you tried on an outfit that made you happy. you know… the outfit. the first time you bind, tuck, cut your hair or put on makeup. i cried the first time I put on a binder. you never forget that feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror and for the first time it’s actually starting to look like you.

3. after the initial panic of coming out is gone and your friends start to call you by the right name and pronouns???? and it just feel so good and you can’t help grinning????????

4. when someone compliments you by saying you look masculine/feminine/androgynous today and you’re like hell yeah I do!

5. picking out a new name!!!! it’s just so much fun. my first name came to me but I spent such a long time hemming and hawing over my middle name. you can pick anything you want!!!! it’s super cool! total freedom!!!! you can pick your name to be sprite pepsi if you want and nobody can do a goddamn thing about it because it’s your life and you get to pick, goddamn it!!!!!!!!!

cis people may reblog to cheer up a trans person but don’t add anything please. trans people may add good vibes!

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

Also I took this picture this week and, although I hate my acne and how shitty I think it makes me feel, I love this picture. I feel so masculine and validated and euphoric. I can’t share it anywhere else because I’m not out, but just knowing that it’s out there and that I have it makes me so incredibly happy.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

1/21-1/25- A Hell of a Week

So this week has been a goddamn rollercoaster. Here’s the high (and low) points:

1/21-1/22: I researched more about my gender by looking at my past, journaling, and experimenting with some ideas or physical things. I fell like I got a lot closer to my identity. I watched a youtube video by a trans man, and I really REALLY resonated with some of the things. So much so it made me cry and I feel like I sort of had a revelation? Like I feel like I know now that I’m definitely trans masculine to trans male. And thats scary but so relieving because I like knowing? But also because I know that I’m not faking all pf my dysphoria and gender euphoria and realizations.

1/23: So I finally was able to talk to my therapist about gender crap, and holy cow did it feel good to talk about. She made me feel valid and told me that I was doing so good even though it was a lot. She told me that I didn’t need to rush the process and to let myself experiment before I put a label on myself or decided to do anything about it more publicly. She wants me to make sure that I feel safe and comfortable and valid and I appreciate her so so much.

1/25: As a runner, I didn’t think I normally experienced any disphoria when I am running. However, today I had to try out a compression sleeve on my quad, and I had a major realization. On one side it made my spandex look longer, like they extended farther down my leg, and they looked a lot like the boys’ uniform compression shorts. And I felt a whole lot of euphoria when I did that. Like I never thought that the girls’ spandex bothered me until I did this and now I want to wear the men’s compression shorts 289403x more. And now I’m thinking even more that I am a trans man.

On a low note, I heard people making fun of the trans woman who went yo gamestop. They couldn’t decide whether to call her a man or a woman or sir or whatever, and they found it wuite humorous. This just made me sad and pissed to realize that people on my team and in the world still think of trans people in that way. It also made me scared, yet again, to even start thinking about transitioning, so that also really sucks.

And that’s how my week went! Lots of highs, some lows, and many “revelations”. Overall, it was a pretty damn good week.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

1/20- Short and Shitty

Well, my day definitely went to shit a bit. Although my day in general was pretty good, the end of my day was not as good. I had to deal with someone who had internalized transphobia and called transgender people “transgenders” or “a transgender”. While it wasn’t her fault, it still made my anxiety ramp up and brought out some internalized transphobia in me. On top of that, I got weirdly dysphoric about body hair tonight? Like I saw my razor and wanted to cut it into pieces and throw it away because I just really want to grow out my body hair. I feel more comfortable and like me with body hair, and seeing the razor was like a shocking reminder to me that I can’t have that right now as I am a “female” college runner. If I didn’t shave, there would be problems from people on the team. So yeah....pretty anxiety and dysphoria filled night. Hopefully tomorrow goes better. I’m learning how to deal with the fear, anxiety, and dysphoria one step at a time, so hopefully I keep improving on how to deal and manage it each day.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

1/20 - Good Morning Vibes

Woke up today to a nice validating post about gender which has put me in a great mood. I didn’t have any particular or strong feelings about my gender when I woke up. However, when I got dressed, I wanted to be seen as more masculine, so there is that. I also felt very disconnected from my boobs this morning, almost as if they weren’t mine but had sinply taken up residence on my chest. I wasn’t too dyphoric about them, but I did feel like they weren’t supposed to actually be there or like they were out of place.

[diaryofaconfusedqueer]

1/19- First Day and Race Day

So today is the firat day of my online diary. I’m going to be freely expreasing how I feel about my gender at the start/throughout my day for each day I write this. Feel free to read or reblog or like these. While they are personal accounts of my thoughts and feelings, if you relate, then hopefully this will help you work through your thoughts and feelings too.

I woke up this morning and my feelings about gender were somewhat pushed to the side because I had an indoor track meet. I was trying to get dialed in for my races. However, I do know that I was thinking about name ideas. I’ve recently been thinking about changing my name, and I’ve thought for a while and am anxiously waiting for some advice from a trusted blog. However, these names are still fresh in my mind, and I am still aware that this is an idea I am interested in. During the rest of my morning, I didn’t have many thoughts about my gender.

At the meet, I did notice a few bumps and thoughts. One of these was the frustration that guys are always faster than girls. However, as I am afab (assigned female at birth), I have always been annoyed and frustrated that guys are naturally faster than girls. Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to be able to beat guys in races or be faster than them in general. Part of that is knowing that I beat a guy, which is a somewhat big deal for a girl, but I wonder if some of it is my jealousy that they are guys and that they have that ability. I need to explore that idea more.

Towards the end of the day, I did some self-exploration about my childhood shame, fears, guilt, and other things surrounding gender and my gender identity. This brought up more than I realized I had repressed, and I came to the realization that I have more shame and guilt about my non-cis gender than I originally thought. I plan on giving myself more validation, allowing myself to explore, and accepting myself and the idea of positive masculinity to help me deal with my internalized transphobia, shame surrounding my gender, and guilt towards me being my true self.

I’m nervous and excited to see how this diary will help me. I hope that I can find some clarity about ny gender and how I want to express it. Hopefully there will be more good realizations and ideas about my gender to come.