diaryniel

[diaryniel]

If you would tell me years ago that I would be in this position, I would probably think that you are weird because how could a girl like me would end up in this crazy, draining relationship.

[diaryniel]

People come and go. And that's the hardest pill to swallow.

Why did He make them meet us if the person whom we considered as a god-given gift would leave as at the end? I know people would say that those kinds of people are just meant to leave us if their mission in our lives is completed. But they never said it would make us miserable, alone, broken, hurt but never numb. Why cant these people bring with them the feelings we invested only for them. Why cant it be that why? As I am writing this, I wanna go run out of my brother's room and puke in the bathroom bowl.

When he broke up with me earlier, I was hurt so much to the point that my heart started to beat faster than its normal beat. I was so hypocritical because I was lying to myself that I am not affected by everything. My lips were trembling. I wanted to chase him. I wanted to explain myself but there is the tiniest ego and pride who were saying "You can't keep chasing someone who keeps on leaving you.".

Here is another pill, he cannot ever swallow. I was his first girlfriend, I was supposed to be his first in everything if only we did not break up. I was starting to live in the dream we both built; Me marrying him when I am in med school and him having a stable job.

He thought I am making him hope for nothing, little did he doesn't know, I am hoping as well. I am also hoping that maybe one time we are gonna do all those things I asked him to do. He doesn't even know that and he is fuming mad. When he is mad, he doesn't care about everything but himself. And I would be there, crying, making him calm and pouring out every ego left inside me. I learned how to be selfless just because you love someone.

We were a solid team but he chose to leave me just because he thinks that I am making him hope for nothing. He always leave me for some petty arguments but I always welcome him back with open arms.

He was not ready for a relationship and he blames me for it.

[diaryniel]

maraming salamat sa siyam na buwan pero ubos na ubos na ako. hindi na ako babalik sayo pero magdurusa ka kasi iniwan mo ko. Di maayos na ang dati nating relasyon pero hindi ka rin magiging masaya sa magiging bago mong relasyon. Wala ka nang mahahanap pa na iba na magiging masaya ka bukod sa akin at sa akin ka babalik at babalik.

[diaryniel]

"Konti nalang mamumura na kita"

"Masyado ka problemado, gusto mo pa ako idamay sa problema mo"

"Wag mo ko bwisitin"

"Landiin mo na carl mo"

It hurts like hell. Grabe. TBH lang ha, kahit yung ex kong gago na manloloko na sinungaling, never ako sinabihan ng ganyan. tangina walng respeto. Siguro nga tama na hindi ko na dapat siya binalikan eh. nagpadala lang ako sa emosyon ko. ayaw niya ako magpaadvice sa mga kaibigan ko kasi ayaw niya marealize ko na sobra siyang nakakaoff. honestly, ubos na ubos na ako. disappointed ako sa sarili ko at sa kanya. Like alam mo kung bakit ako disappointed sa sarili ko? yun ay dahil isa akong bobo. Oo, bobo. ang dami namang tao dyan tangina dun pa talaga sa ganon ung ugali ikaw napunta. malas ka nga talaga oh. balak ka pa murahin oh. tangina eh si daddy nga eh hindi man lang kahit kelan namura si mommy. putangina. mals ko talaga. Ako na ata talaga pinakamalas sa lahat. hay nako wala ako ibang masabi sa asarili ko kundi ang malas ko tas bobo pa ako pumili ng lalake. Gusto ko nlang patayin ung sarili ko. Kahit kelan talaga ang tanga ko, tatanda ako ng maaga nito eh. bwiset. hindi pa nagpprocess sa isip ko na balak niya ako murahin. Sobrang sakit. Mals ko talaga pumili ng lalake. Bawi nlang siguro ako next life HAHAHAHA charot. pero seryoso nga, hihiwalayan ko na talaga to si eric pagkatapos ng school year. siguro nga ang magandang gawin is dapat mawalan ako ng pake tas wag ako mauunang magchat. Check ko nlang ung chat namin sa saturday ng gabi. Tangina kesa pa pahirapan ko sarili ko. Diba.

[diaryniel]

writers:

break up your paragraphs. big paragraphs are scary, your readers will get scared

fuuuuck epithets. “the other man got up” “the taller woman sat down” “the blonde walked away” nahhh. call them by their names or rework the sentence. you can do so much better than this (exception: if the reader doesn’t know the character(s) you’re referring to yet, it’s a-okay to refer to them by an identifying trait)

blunette is not a thing

new speaker, new paragraph. please.

“said” is such a great word. use it. make sweet love to it. but don’t kill it

use “said” more than you use synonyms for it. that way the use of synonyms gets more exciting. getting a sudden description of how a character is saying something (screaming, mumbling, sighing) is more interesting that way.

if your summary says “I suck at summaries” or “story better than summary” you’re turning off the reader, my dude. your summary is supposed to be your hook. you gotta own it, just like you’re gonna own the story they’re about to read

follow long sentences w short ones and short ones w long ones. same goes for paragraphs

your writing is always better than you think it is. you just think it’s bad because the story’s always gonna be predicable to the one who’s writing it

i love u guys keep on trucking

[diaryniel]

If you fall in love because someone makes you laugh, what happens when you can no longer find him/her funny? If you fall in love because someone has good looks, what happens when that beauty fades? If you fall in love because someone is beside you, what happens if he/she is away from you? Love is beyond laughter, beyond beauty, and beyond distance.

So if you intend to love someone, be sure to accept the challenge called:

Change

[diaryniel]

“Minsan may umalis na di na dapat pabalikin pa. Kasi kung hahayaan mo silang bumalik para mo na ring sinabing, “Sigi, paulit-ulit mo akong gawing tanga. Kung dyan ka liligaya, masaya na din ako.””

— @ihuhugotkonalang

[diaryniel]

“There are thoughts one can never put into words. Feelings kept inside that cage inside your chest. They crush you and hurt you in ways you never thought possible.”

— Yet you stay, keeping on keeping on.

[diaryniel]

i defended you when no one else did.

[diaryniel]

Hindi natin magawang tumawa ng paulit ulit sa iisang joke, pero bakit tayo umiiyak ng paulit ulit sa iisang dahilan?

[diaryniel]

Alam mo kung bakit ka nasasaktan? Pinipilit mo kasi yung sarili mo sa mga bagay na hindi naman compatible sa iyo.

[diaryniel]

Kaya tayo nasasaktan dahil sa mga salitang "WHAT IF" na pinanghahawakan mo na hindi naman talaga dapat.

[diaryniel]

I wish we could be in love and experience all that comes with it without actually being with people, because love doesn't hurt people, people hurt people. Love doesn't break people's hearts, people do.

— Marley C. // Love Without Them.

[diaryniel]

Dear me,

I know every time it hits you and you miss him like this and go crazy, you

A. Reach out to his friends

B. Write him a letter

Tonight, you've already done A. And you were about to do B. But I think it's important that you write a letter to yourself.

First off, his friends are never going to give you the answers. They just are amused by you and would rather hit on you. They may not even have this high opinion of you because all you've been doing for the last 7 years is annually or once in two years contact them and kinda almost beg out of desperation for the answer he never gave you.

The thing is, my love, yes, he was one of a kind. Because he didn't type lyk dis at 15 even though everyone else did because they thought it was school. Because he seemed sophisticated and mature and respectful and smart and polished and well put together and romantic and had a nice voice and never made you feel shit. Until he left.

But you are really just hung up on him because he was the first guy of your age who seemed this way right? Seemed to be at your level. Because you don't feel that way about most people, do you? And this isn't in a narcissistic or holier than thou sort of way. But in a I know I'm weird and exist in some sort of a parallel universe and therefore most people never get me way. Or at least don't make me feel like they do. But he did. And you're just hung up on that feeling, right?

But was he really all that respectful and mature since he ghosted you? And yes after all you both were just foolish kids aged 16 but there has been plenty of time to grow up and realise what happened, right?

He's doing well. That's what his friend said. He said he is finally following his passion and doing something he really wants. And that almost made me cry. Because of course he is that person. And so am I.

It's so clear to me that we were meant to be. And I don't mean as lovers or soulmates. But in each other's lives. But well...were we?

Because hanging up on you when you called him and blocking you on Facebook for almost a decade when all you did was perhaps bruise his ego a little is actually a very dickish move. An ass move. Immature. Inconsiderate. But mostly.... unattached. Yes, you can curse him all you want but the thing that you have to accept, and the one that hurts the most, is that he is unattached. And he has been for a very long time.

But how do I? How do I move on and forget him? I just want an answer. I just want to know. And I also want to talk to him about life. I want to know what he would say to me about how I feel and think now. I want to hear his voice again. I want to meet him and touch his face. But that's not ever happening, is it? I mean, you can get on a flight and go to his hometown and hunt him down but won't he just slam the door on your face? Hasn't he already done that by completely removing you from his life?

Well...I won't say, come on, move on now. Because we both know it won't just happen in this instant. But slowly? Start? One day, you won't even realize it and you would not feel all these feelings for him. And I don't want to give you the unknown and uncertain hope of coming across a guy who will make you feel that way, so I won't. I know this burden is heavy to carry alone. But you can. And then you can sleep.

At least he is doing good. At least you are doing good. For the most part, yes. And that too, is a start.

All my love,

Me.

[diaryniel]

People live in denial for a lot of things

Acceptance is the last step of dealing with grief

But this last step has always been my first one

I have never had a doubt that you loved me

I knew you didn’t

And I had accepted it before even falling for you

But now I seem to go in reverse

i was depressed for a while 

I started bargaining with destiny

And I am angry at myself for not being able to move on

I hope I don’t go in denial about the truth

[diaryniel]

I loved him when he had nothing. But he left, when I am nothing.

[diaryniel]

I wish we could be in love and experience all that comes with it without actually being with people, because love doesn't hurt people, people hurt people. Love doesn't break people's hearts, people do.

— Marley C. // Love Without Them.