diary-of-a-closet-writer

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

got us forgot

20 days into 2020

I feel like I’m wandering a i m l e s s l y, not sure which direction to stumble towards. Is this normal? Not really knowing how you truly feel about something. About someone. I find it hilarious that I catch myself trying so hard to apply work tactics to dating. It’s like I’m trying plan every step to exact date and time. But I really have no control of it all. Well, I do, only if I really want to. Do want to?

That’s the question right? Do I want to take the l e a p into something that I don���t feel much for? Or am I not allowing myself to feel anything more because I’m trying so hard not to get hurt. Disappointed. Alone. I don’t know. Truly, I really don’t know. I’m not sure how I feel. I make a pro-con list. I analyze every little detail. And... nothing. I don’t have a definite answer. Is there ever a definite answer?

Let’s start with the things I do know. I have this newfound appreciate for c o m m u n i c a t i o n. Constant communication. Thoughtful, considerate communication. But then I find myself focusing on what is missing. The charm, the wit, the physical attraction, the chemistry, the disgusting and annoying “game” of dating. Are women really programed to want to be chased? I thought I outgrew casual relationships - engaging with guys for the thrill of it. I told myself I want more. I want a u t h e n t i c i t y. I want something r e a l. That doesn’t necessarily mean something serious or marriage. I just want to feel something other than checking my phone for text messages and butterflies on first dates.

The problem is, I just don’t know how to quite get there. Here are the things I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel when I like someone enough to put in effort. I don’t know what my priorities are. Is it more important for me to receive great communication or great chemistry? Is it more important for me be physically attracted or feel safe? The written questions seem so easy to answer, but in the moment I find myself not sure. These are the e x h a u s t i n g moments of dating where I just want to give up. Accept that I’m okay on my own. Yet, there is that voice telling me not to quit because I’m not a fucking quitter.

I’m not in a deep hole, but I really need to pull myself out of this. At the end of the day, I’m so fulfilled with amazing friends, a great job, supportive family members, a strong drive, stubborn passion, fortunate travel adventures and u n d e n i a b l e independence. I’m not surrendering, but I just need to remember that my life is greater than my persistent thoughts about a guy I only knew for a minuscule fraction of my complete life.  

We're so separated And my thought of you has changed We said we wanted that Part of me wants it back

But I don't want to give you the wrong idea 'Cause I need to get this off my chest

It's been a minute and my memory of you is fading I'm hearing so much and I'm trying keep up with you lately Is it too hard to just talk without driving us crazy? Honestly, I'm dying to know How you've been

Had to be careful Couldn't stop thinking 'bout you Now I just care less, got us forget From now I thought I wanted that But the last time we failed to talk like that

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

I can't unpack the baggage you left

It’s been exactly 365 days & the urge just reappeared. I’m falling again.

F  A  M  I  L  Y

When I think of this past year in regards to my family, I immediately think of all the bad things. I have the urge to vent, play the victim and assume that I’m right on all counts. But then I catch myself. I pause. I reminisce of every time I felt beat down, upset and just... sad. I felt it, I feel it now. And it’s okay to have all those feelings and just move on. I still believe that family is the most important thing to cherish - even in the hardest of times. And all you can do is take a step back, find the family that brings you joy, comfort and love - then immerse yourself with them. Take the break. Take the breather. Take the space. At the end of day, family will a l w a y s be there. So for sanity reasons - talk a walk. A long walk.

H  E  A  L  T  H

This year was probably the first year I discover the secret of being healthy. Yup, I’m that person. The first year I got into fitness, I was 150% in. I went full force. I did the low-carb, high-protein diet. I trained hard, strived for heavy PRs, strained muscles, ignored aches, preached that euphoric endorphins from working out. I was an idiot. The second year into fitness, I struggled. I essential fell off the wagon and came down on myself hard. I was bitter and angry that I wasn’t at my fullest potential. I was an idiot. The third year into fitness, I rode the rollercoaster. I hit all the highs and all the lows. I went through periods of time when I was so proud of my hardcore programming and diet, then went through the darkness of binge eating and copping out of workouts. I was an idiot. This past year was my fourth year into fitness - I became h a p p y. That’s the secret. Happiness. Yeah, sounds ridiculous right? But think about it... If you decided to stop being so hard on yourself or feeling like shit because you didn’t make it to the gym or ate pizza and indulged in ice cream - you would be so much happier. I learned that life is meant to be lived. Life isn’t what “gets in the way” of your routine. Traveling for work, late night conference calls, dinner with friends, much needed vacations, family visits, recovery Sundays - all of that equals life. And living your life is the most important contributor to your health. So screw the food journaling and weight tracking. Make smart decisions for everything in life - not just what you eat or whether you hit the gym that day. Be mindful of how you spend your time and be present in the moment. Because it’s all so f l e e t i n g. 

C  A  R  E  E  R

Coming up on two years and it feels like five. Let’s not kid ourselves, people who say “those who love their jobs will never feel like they work a day in their lives” are on on some type of drug. That being said, I love my job. It’s hard f u c k i n g work, but I enjoy it. I feel fulfilled. I feel appreciated. I feel respected. I feel smart. I feel grateful. I feel that I belong. And even feeling all those things, I also get stressed out, frustrated, angry, underpaid and annoyed. I continue to outperform my expectations and it’s the best feeling I’ve ever had in any job. I realized that I need to stop worrying about meeting other people’s expectations or impressing certain people. I stopped caring about doing better than others. I focused less on the calculated numbers. Instead, I sought to achieve what I believe is success - cultivating relationships, challenging myself, being creative and recognition for my work. I’m exhausted 80% of the time, but the other 20% I just feel so damn l u c k y.

R  E  L  A  T  I  O  N  S  H  I  P  S

That annoying gnawing in the pit of my stomach never went away. I thought it was the whole “case of the holiday season” disease that tends to come around this time of year and disappears around March, but it wasn’t. It stayed with me - throughout the whole year. It’s not like I didn’t try. Let’s be real, I didn’t try hard. But I did try. I came to some harsh realities this year, which actually helped in some “pick yourself back up” kind of way. Most importantly, I know what I want. I know what I’m w o r t h. And I shouldn’t settle because I’m worried I won’t find another connections or chemistry or spark or whatever people call it. It’s real though. I used to think it’s all just bullshit you tell someone to avoid a second date. But it’s real - this... inkling that you get that tells you that talking to this person isn’t horrible and you might want to do it again. Dating is hard. It sucks. Nothing glamorous about it. But I rather date and struggle then continue to wonder if I chose to be alone because I want to be alone or because I never found h i m. Don’t get me wrong, the thought of being in a serious relationship scares me - but I’m holding on to the romantic hope that with the right person, it won’t be scary at all.

T  R  A  V  E  L

I had a whirlwind of adventures in 2019. This year was probably the first time I ever felt like my mental storage space ran out of capacity. I yearned to remember all the beauty I saw in many different parts of the world. This is me trying: 

V A N C O U V E R - I can bike Stanley Park all day

S A N T A   B A R B R A - breakfast burrito and ice cream to-go please

N E W   Y O R K - never gets old, but always creating new memories

L O N D O N - would totally live here

P A R I S - can never afford to come back

R O S E V I L L E - my second home

S A N   J O S E - parents live here

L A S   V E G A S - least favorite work trip destination 

H O N G   K O N G - so much more beauty & character than people’s perception 

B A N G K O K - affordable, must come back for a 90-minute massage

D A L L A S - it’s hot here

B E R M U D A - will forever be remembered as the ultimate girls’ weekend getaway

M E N L O   P A R K - Silicon Valley’s best kept secret

S A N    M A R T I N - hideaway 

D  O     Y  O  U

I find it hilarious that when you’re growing up, you don’t realize things about yourself until you hit an age that makes you just so much more aware. I used to fight the fact that I was the youngest, most bratty, spoiled, stubborn and sensitive. But as I gotten older, I own it. All of it. Flaws and all. Because I’m all those things along with being intelligent, confident, straight-forward, motivated and empathetic. I used to be this person that was characterized by just her flaws. It wasn’t until this year that I decided to that I’m a combination of my flaws and strengths. I’m the whole package, & more. 

This year had it’s rough moments. I was pushed to my breaking point on more than one occasion. But I got through it. With the support of my close friends and parents, I got to the light at the end of what seemed like a really long tunnel. And in the l i g h t, I got something I never knew I wanted or needed. I don’t feel happy 100% of the time, but I do feel h a p p y,  t h a n k f u l  &  l o v e d more than I ever feel angry or sad. And that’s all I can ever really ask for. 

N E X T

Well last year I did ask for an eventful year - and got one. So I guess for 2020... why not bring more chaos? I t h r i v e in it. And let’s face it, it’s just so much more fun.

Going to places, meeting new faces But your memory still isn't fading Maybe I still got some shit left to say Maybe your ghost is stuck in my brain I'm not tired I'm not lonely So why does my mind go back to when you used to hold me? It's been enough time To get you out of my mind But now I'm thinking I'll never stop thinking about you And I'm just wondering When I'll stop wondering about you

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

holding onto hope that I would be wild enough

Lost track of time. & I forgot how comforting it is to purge my thoughts on an open forum. Here I go.

It’s been a long while. 1 year, 5 months and 2 days to be exact. A lot has changed - more for the better than worse. 

H E A L T H. I’ve been on this fitness journey for a while now. I started back in 2015. Three years ago. Wow. I can’t even believe how long it’s been. I’ve had ups and downs. Many slip-ups and distractions. Yet, I still love it all. Every time I hit a PR, conquer a new lift, improve my time week over week, add more weight, feel #strongAF. It never gets old. I’m still addicted. I don’t think it will ever go away. Definitely a huge part of my life. I guess this year, I finally realized how important it is to allow life to get in the way. It’s not a bad thing. It happens. And I should never be frustrated or angry at myself when I choose to live life at the expense of fitness. Cause, lets be real. I’m always drawn back. Every day I have to work toward finding balance. Not going to lie, the struggle is there. But it’s getting better. I’m proud of that. 

C A R E E R. New job this year. Some days I still can’t believe I left a company I grew up at for 5 years. I’m almost a year into my new job, and I find myself in disbelief. I tend to give off all this confidence and ego when it comes to work. I always loved being the know-it. The best performer. Exceed Expectations. The A-student. But it really aches my heart when I look back at 2018 and see all that I’ve done in my new role. How much I accomplished. How much I made an impact. I get emotional - in a good way. Cause, honestly, part of me was scared. Fear of failure. Fear that I wasn’t good enough. Fear that I was in over my head. But here I am, exactly 11 months later and I’m just... killing it. And i’m not ashamed or embarrassed to brag about. It was a hard feat, but I did it. And there is no greater feeling than exceeding your own expectations. 

D O  Y O U. It took 27 years, but I finally realized what it’s like to allow myself to make certain choices in my life without giving a shit about what people think. I took action because I wanted to. Because I wanted to experience... fun. To be carefree. To feel... satisfied. To feel deserving. To feel wanted. I did it because I owed it to myself. For most of life, I walked a fine line of who I should be and who I really am. I never wanted to misstep. I wanted to be... perfect. That doesn’t make sense to me anymore. Being perfect is subjective. Everyone’s version of perfect is different. And I was sick of trying to the objective version of perfect. But who the fuck cares. No one! No one is watching me. No one is judging me. I woke the hell up and accepted that the only person judging me was myself. So I stopped. I stopped being so damn hard myself because I deserve to have the things I desire, judgement free. In turn, I stopped all trying to convince people what was right and what was wrong. Everyone has a certain set of choices in every situation and what they choose should never be judged by anyone who doesn’t know all the choices. 

T R A V E L. I was fortunate enough to see many new places this year. Sometimes I laugh at how lucky I am because I just find it so un-fucking-believeable. Beijing & Japan. Gosh... Both trips are going to stay with me for a long time. It was the first time I went solo. Did all that I wanted to on my own time. It was... truly magical. Yet, even after explore a new part of the world alone - I have a stronger urge to share it with someone. It has nothing to do with whether I enjoyed myself because I absolutely did. I just realized that there is so much I want to see and experience in the world & how much I want to share all that with someone. Perhaps all the soul-searching led me to wanting more than just me.

R E L A T I O N S H I P. It could be because I’m getting older. Possibly because it’s the holidays. Maybe its the feeling of being around family. Whatever it is. I want it. I want... a Partner. I want the fucking butterflies. Smitten facial expressions. Skipped heartbeats. Nervous knots in the gut. Tingle of a touch. Passionate sex. Uncontrollable laughter. Endless conversations. Shared aspirations. Plans for the future. Pure love. A family to call our own. It’s crazy to feel all this because I never wanted needed it. There is a difference of wanting and needing. It’s true, I don’t need a partner and endure all those things. But... I want it. I think deep down I always wanted it. I spent the last 7 years of my life trying so hard to act like I didn’t want, but truly I just didn’t need it. But not needing it never stopped me from wanting it. So here I am, 7 years later wanting badly. I’m not sure what changed. Perhaps I’m more willing to share my life. My time. Share the world I worked so hard to create. I want someone to fit. So... here I am. Wandering aimlessly. Searching for the missing other piece that I fit into. That I belong to. 

F A M I L Y. We lost a dear member of our family this year. Someone I took for granted during my adolescence. There isn’t much I regret in my life, but I really do regret the lost time I could have had. Through tragedy, we grew stronger as a family. And I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if I ever had this feeling before, but I just think we are in a good place together. All of us. As a family. We have so much to be thankful for - even after all the hardships we individually went through this year. We all came out the other end, scarred but stronger than ever. I hope it stays like this for a good while any. Perhaps we are all getting older and we just know that the years together mean so much more now. Whatever it is, I don’t want the feeling to go away. 

N E X T. Geez. I have no fucking idea. I try really hard not to have expectations because I’m the type to get seriously disappointed. I just hope for... unexpected madness. Because for some damn reason, the more drama, more action, more challenges, more pain, frustration, anger, heartbreak... all of it just makes a bigger impact. Change. That’s all I ask for. I’m ready for change. The one thing I just can’t stand, is being stagnant. 

xxKC

I only wanted you 'cause I couldn't have you Now that I know That wasn't love, that was just hope Always another bender, I lose control I thought I'd get it back when You came back home to me, darling But I never had it, did I? Your heart's a trick And all the magic we felt was just a hit

To your major I'm minor Breaking every single chord you play I'm sweet wine but You want whiskey And I just wish I could be strong enough

Still a faded Polaroid But I can't be something that I have never been

If I was dancing on the tables Buying rounds 'til the dawn Is that wild enough for you? Talking dirty in the bedroom Be the one to start a fight Would that be wild enough for you?

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

such a boy

1 year, 9 months, 2 weeks & 4 days and it was all so fleeting

It’s quite hilarious really. You devote so much time and effort into just a short period, then it all disappears. For what? Brief joy. Touch of fun. The taste of feeling w a n t e d. Every girl seeks it. It’s addicting. Almost like a poison. I fought it for as long as I could. Then I just decided to allow it. It wasn’t that I gave in. It was more like I accepted it. I let myself endure it. I’m glad I did, because now I know that I gave just enough and not an ounce more. I wasn’t immune, but I sure as hell was my own antidote. 

I learned something about myself. I want more. More than just this happiness I create on my own. It has just been me for so long. I function well with just me. I know how I work. I know what I like. I know what I can withstand and what I can’t. I know my limits. I know me. So damn well. And I’m content, 95% of the time. Cause lets be real here - no one can be happy 100% of the time. I’m proud of what I’ve done. Created. Protected. But then there is this hole. This fucking aching hole that I know I eventually need want to fill. Not with just anyone. Someone who I’m eager to share everything with. My life. My world. All that is me. Someone who I want to there with me every step of success. Failure. Growth. Challenge. and the little things in between. I don’t want to feel doubt or second guess his intentions. That’s when I’ll know. That’s when I’m willing to give up everything cause I’ll be safe. Only this time, I have someone protecting me. Not because I can’t protect myself, but because I allow him to. 

I was told that it’s not normal to be alone. People tend to want to be around others. Have multiple relationships. Friendships. Connections. No one ever wants to feel alone in this world. I believe it. To an extent. Physically, I’m alone for a majority of everyday, but I never really ever considered myself alone. I always felt so lucky. Lucky to have people who care. Cherish. Love. Encourage. Guide. and most important, people who help me heal. I don’t need the everyday conversations or hourly text messages. I don’t survive off likes on IG or FB. I am perfectly okay sitting in my studio apartment for an entire weekend without speaking to anyone. Cause I know when I decide to get out and be with people who matter, they will be there. When I decided to pick up the phone and talk to someone i haven’t talked to for months, it will be like no time passed. And I’m so, so grateful for that. I will never take it for granted. 

Q U A L I T Y  VS.  Q U A N T I T Y

I don’t need every hour. I don’t need every day. I don’t even need every weekend. All I wanted was quality. Quality time. Quality effort. Quality thoughts. Quality words. Quality conversations. Quality you. And then I realized, I was dealing with a fake. Like most things in LA - shiny exteriors don’t really equal substances on the inside. Perhaps if I cared to dig more. Perhaps if I spent more time. Perhaps if I didn’t have such high standards. But then again, why would I ever settle? I don’t ask for more. I don’t for much at all. All I want is what you give from the start and to match everything I’m willing to give. 

Sometimes when you get everything you ask for, don’t except it to be easy to keep. If it was easy, then you wouldn’t want it. You only get to keep everything you want because you work hard to deserve it. So before you set your standards high and refuse to settle, make damn sure you’re willing to work to keep it once you get it. Cause the exceptional don’t tolerate mediocre effort. And they sure as hell won’t settle for you. 

Say you need more space What are you, an astronaut? You've got the whole universe So what you coming around here for? Said you need more air Are you underwater now? We're not even in that deep Acting like you're gonna drown

You say you need more me What, am I a toy again? You play me like you're all I got But I ain't hanging by your threads You say you need love Yeah, we all do And I wanted to if you let me

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Sorry, Me

1 year, 8 months & 6 days and I wonder if it’s possible to feel this way

It’s been 14 days 2 weeks, but yet it feels so much more than that. I’ve been in my head a lot lately. Trying to rack my brain as to how and why this happened. Sometimes I think it’s just all a dream, a big inside joke the world has on me and I’m seriously left out. Is that cynical of me? 

I went on and on the past few years about how my life is... complete. Well complete enough where I’m happy with who I am and where I’m going. Then all of sudden, when something good happens, I question it. I pick it apart. Overanalyze it. Overthink my actions. And then somehow convince myself that I don’t deserve any of it. Where the fuck did my confidence self-love go? 

I need to stop. I need to be who I am, who I love, who I cherish, and who I know deserves many good things in this world. Because if I wasn’t that person, I wouldn’t be able to focus on the beautiful things I have a head of me. Things that may last only for a fleeting moment or forever. W o r t h  i t. 

I had a light bulb moment. What if I’ve been living my life according to what I believe was okay? What if I’ve been tolerating a lot of things because I was so numb to it all? What if my life could be drastically better if I listened to what others had to say? What others s a w.  I’ve been making excuses for a longtime, maybe even most of all my life. I think it’s time that I start living my life without restraints. Without self-doubt. Without approval. Let go of the fear that loving myself and bragging about my accomplishments is selfish. It’s no one’s responsibility to love me or brag about me, but my o w n.

I used to be embarrassed of my broken parts. Not anymore... Even in pieces, I’m worth having.

I've missed your calls for months it seems Don't realize how mean I can be 'Cause I can sometimes treat the people that I love like jewelry 'Cause I can change my mind each day I didn't mean to try you on So I'm sorry to my unknown lover Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me Sorry to my unknown lover Sorry I could be so blind Didn't mean to leave you And all of the things that we had behind I run away when things are good And never really understood The way you laid your eyes on me In ways that no one ever could And so it seems I broke your heart My ignorance has struck again I failed to see it from the start And tore you open 'til the end

xxKC

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

the night we met

1 year, 8 months & 2 days struggling to hold on to myself me

What does it mean to take risks? I spent the past 8 years of life building my empire. My foundation. My life. So what now? I’m supposed to allow share my world. This is mine. And those I choose to be in my bubble are those I trust with pieces of my heart. Is there a possibility that I could trust another? Do I have a piece of my heart I’m willing to bet with the risk of never getting it back?

I’ve been me for a really long time. Just me. And I’ve gotten to know me pretty damn well. Then all of sudden I’m starting to forget. I’m starting to doubt. I’m starting to overthink, overanalyze, and overgive. I’m scared. There is no argument there. I’m starting to lose sight of the person I’ve worked so hard to become. How can I hold on to me without having to close myself off?

I used to think I was the type of person with her own thoughts. Her own opinions. Her own decisions. Then I started to realize I care. I care about what others have to say. Those people in my bubble who are protecting the tiny pieces of my hearts. They care about me. Love me. And when they are on the defense, it’s only natural that I am as well. It doesn’t mean I’m not my own person. It just means that I’m getting blindsided and I need some mirrors. 

I want to go all in. I want to trust my gut. I want to follow what I feel. I want to ignore everything single thing that is holding me back. The fear is stopping me. The fear of reverting back to a person I once was and vowed never to be. The fear is so great that I could be sabotaging something that could be absolutely amazing. How would I know if I could survive?

F U C K. All I pray for is that I stay me. That I put me first. That me is the only thing that matters in this mess of emotions. As long as me is true and happy, I need to prolong that as long as possible. Until it sticks.

I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met

xxKC

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

You make me feel like a piece of art, hanging on your wall just like my heart.

1 year, 4 months & 2 weeks and it’s a new year. This is my first post of the year. Insane. 

It’s been a little over 4 months since my last post. Where has the time gone? It’s quite ridiculous how much has happened since. Ridiculous in a sense that I don’t really believe it’s all real. Maybe I don’t want it to be. Maybe cause I’m scared to admit I don’t know where I go from here. 

My pot has been stirred. I mentioned how I felt so stuck 4 months ago. I was unmotivated and lacked ambition to do much about it. As the saying goes... everything happens for a reason. It’s hard for me not to believe that. I was so ready for change just a few months ago. I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t entirely fulfilled either. Then all of a sudden, I’m offered this new job. I was hesitant to celebrate at first. It didn’t fit perfectly into the plan I had. (A plan that lacked strategy and direction, I see that now). I spent my first week on the job in three different cities, running from meeting to airport. It was then I realized that this job is a promotion. This job is a step in the right path. I was so stuck in thinking that I needed more - that I deserved something more. But I was wrong. I am right where I’m supposed to be. I have no idea where to go after this - whenever this ends. Perhaps I’m not supposed to have a end game. After all, I didn’t stick to my original plan and I’m just fine. More than fine. I’m fucking fantastic. 

Alone & killin’ it. I don’t know why, but I’m just not bothered by the obvious. I’m very content with who I am. I’m far from perfect. I have more flaws that I can count with my fingers, but I’m always a work in progress and I don’t fault anyone for not wanting to accept me as who I am. I don’t want to force something that is supposed to happen naturally - so I believe. There is that lingering fear - what if it doesn’t happen naturally? Well, then I’m screwed.

Just kidding.

What keeps me sane is the fact that I know I’ll be okay. How many people in the world can say that confidently?

xxKC

My heart feels like the sharpest razor blade I really hope this won't give me away Cause I've been drowning here for days Like a watercolor about to fade Every inch of me is there to trace No secrets left here on my page Underneath my skin, I see a change Blood races right up to my face

Bursting out, no, I can't take it You really wore me down Read my mind just like I'm naked There's no hiding now I'm paper thin

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Dark Blue

One year, 3 weeks and for the amount of hours I work out, I’m accident prone.

Yeah... I’ve been pretty up and down lately. Crazy how the affects of going on vacation wears off after a month. After settling back into my reality, things got a little... messy. 

Work has been so-so. Just going through the motions. I don’t know how I should be feeling given the fact that I’m just a machine that gets things done with a smile on her face (well most of the time...) Have I settled on a career that is basically checking boxes off a never-ending to-do list? I feel unmotivated and unsatisfied. But isn’t that typical Katie-mentality around this time? It’s been three years and I’m having anxiety attacks. What’s next for me? 

I hit a roadblock on my fitness journey. A slump? No, it’s not that... I haven’t stopped working out. I still enjoy it all. I can’t see my life without fitness and health. I’m just... lost at the moment. It’s like my body is stuck. I haven’t been taking very good care it lately. I fell short in many ways during the last 5 months. There are some regrets, but honestly, a majority of what I did in the past 5 months I thoroughly enjoyed. I celebrated my 25th birthday. I traveled for work. I traveled for me. I spent time with friends and family. It gets hard trying to balance a fit lifestyle alongside a life I lived for 25 years. I realized that a year into this journey isn’t enough for my life to just adapt. This takes time and patience. Both of which I do not have... but I’m committed most of the time. I just need to stop being so hard on myself during the times I’m not. My goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to find a lifestyle that I can sustain and love. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about changing things up. I’m not necessarily unhappy. I’m just average. Average doesn’t sit well with me. I strive for exceptional, for adventure, for excitement. All of which, I do not have and I’m going insane. The thing is I’m not too sure about what to do to fix it. Part of me is scared. Another part of me just wants to appreciate all the good things I have going for me. I’m going to have to make a decision soon. I’m running out of time. 

xxKC

I have you breathing down my neck I don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition I'll wait for the ambulance to come pick us up off the floor Slow down

This flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground beneath my feet Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition So I'll swim As the water rises up, sun is sinking down And now all I can see are the planets in a row Suggesting it's best that I Slow down

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Let’s go out in flames so everyone knows who we are

11 months, 2 weeks and I found my balance

Wow. I haven’t wrote in 3 months. Nothing much in my life has changed, but somehow I’m in a much better place. Is that possible?

3 months ago, I was in a rut. A pretty bad place. I was disappointed in the way I viewed myself, my life, my ability to reach my goals. Then something happened. I figured out a way to silence the negative voice in my head. It’s still there, nagging me during inopportune moments. But I’m stronger now (mentally and physically, ha). I realized that voice could break me down, or motivate me. I chose the latter. I grounded myself more than ever in the past few months. I opened up to new people in my life and mended relationships with others that have been in my life forever. I am thankful for the voice as it made me acknowledge the hatred I had for myself and motivated me to love myself even more. Always a work in progress...

Being on vacation for 12 days straight relieved me of a lot. I was so stressed over my job, money, living situation, friends, family - basically my entire life. I was able to check out - mentally. I found the time to appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life. I accepted that life will bring hardships and I only get stronger as I overcome them. It’s not an easy feat. Tears will be shed, breakdowns will happen, arguments will unravel. But in the end, we are meant to live happily ever after (so I was told.) I guess I’ll keep jumping over hurdles until my happily ever after comes along. 

I’m closing in on a year since I reset my internal clock. A beginning of a new chapter, if you will. The last year has been a huge emotional and physical journey of my story. I learned a lot of things about myself. My strength. My endurance. My drive. My mistakes. My pains. My weaknesses. I encountered many set backs. I found myself curled up under my sheets often. I caught myself self-abusing frequently. I recognized failing relationships. I acknowledged flaws others saw in me. It wasn’t until recently that I finally stopped trying to be some perfect image of Katie. That’s when everything fell into place. Strive for the best version of yourself, but don’t bash on yourself when you’re not always that person. The thing is, the best version is always evolving. 

xxKC

Stood at the cold face, stood with our backs to the sun I can’t remember being nothing but fearless and young We’ve become echoes, but echoes that fade away We fall into the dark as we dive under the wave

Devil’s on your shoulder Strangers in your head As if you don’t remember As if you can’t forget It’s only been a moment It’s only been a lifetime But tonight you’re a stranger Some silhouette

Let’s go out in flames so everyone knows who we are ‘Cause these city walls never knew that we’d make it this far

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Love You Inside Out

8 months, 1 week and I’m self-sabotaging.

8 months in and I fell off the wagon. Not sure if it’s because I broke up with my trainer, or if it’s because of all the traveling I’ve been doing for work. Enough with the excuses. I fell off the wagon cause I gave into the idea that I “deserved” to celebrate. Celebrate my birthday. Celebrate how far I’ve come on my fitness journey. Celebrate my happiness. I made this decision and now I’m feeling the consequences. I’m falling back into old ways and I’m hating myself for it. This unhealthy relationship I have with my health & body is seriously something I need to constantly work on. So, this is me working on it. Me trying to make a difference in this cyclical doom. I’m owning up to my failure and picking myself back up. 

When I started working toward my fitness goals, I was told a lot that falling off the wagon is inevitable. It happens, and they say you’re just supposed to be okay and pick yourself back up. What they don’t tell you is how hard it is to forgive yourself. They never talk about how hard it is to get back on your A game. Let’s face it, being on your A game all the time is unrealistic. It’s the reason why people think fitness is an obsession. I don’t blame them. It’s true. I was obsessed and in turn this was my d o o m.

I had this mindset that I had to eat clean all the time. That I had to lift the same max weight as the week prior. That I should be able to lift a certain PR cause Google said so. That cardio was essential to fat loss. That I had so much more fat to lose. That I want more muscle to gain. All these things ran through my head and each time I didn’t eat clean or couldn’t lift the weights I knew I could lift cause I did so the week prior, I shut down. I crawled into a hole of self-sabotage and self-hatred. This was unhealthy. This was a s i c k n e s s. This was my doom. 

I got through the “forgive yourself” part because of my trainer. She made me see that I worked so hard for 6 months and I deserved a break. Did I deserve a month-long break? Probably not. But I accepted it. I accepted that life is going to get in the way and you need to adapt. Whether it’s birthday celebrations with squats in the morning or traveling and sticking to a workout schedule by making the most of shitty hotel gyms. I can’t go on in life thinking that one routine is always going to work. 

Now I’m on the “getting back on your A game” part. The hardest part of this recovery process. This time, I don’t have my trainer around. Well, physically she’s around. But emotionally, I can’t rely on her anymore. Well I can, but that’s not fair. Our relationship has gone from client-trainer to friendship. I’m thankful for that, but I can’t keep turning to her to keep me in line. I have to do it on my own. This is my life and being fit needs to be kept up by me, not me and my trainer.  

Right now, I don’t know if I’m going to be successful. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back on track. I don’t know if my fitness journey will continue. To be honest, I’m scared. What if I don’t want to be fit anymore? What if it’s just too hard? What if I’m so much happier eating what I want and not giving a shit? What if I don’t believe in this anymore? June is the month I’m going to find out if this is f o r e v e r. If this will be part of my life moving forward. Because I can’t let the doom consume me again. It’s not okay and it’s not the way I want to live this lifestyle. I need to learn to allow myself to enjoy food and not feel guilty over it. I need to learn to love myself at my lowest point and my highest point. 

To be continued....

Bend your chest open so I can read your heart I need to get inside, or I'll start a war Wanna look at the pieces that make you who you are I wanna build you up and pick you apart

Let me see the dark sides as well as the bright I'm gonna love you inside out I’m gonna pick your brain and get to know your thoughts So I can read your mind when you don't wanna talk

I'm gonna love you inside out

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

And if it gets rough, it's time to get rough

7 months, 2 days and I’m cruising on cloud 9

I can’t believe I let 4 months go by without a post. It’s been non-stop since the new year began. Work has been... well, demanding but also rewarding. I don’t have much to complain about except for my ticking internal clock telling me it’s time to switch things up. My personal life has been... fulfilling. I’m very content. That’s probably the reason why I haven’t posted in a while. Nothing interesting to write when I’m happy. 

But then again, I should write when I’m happy. I share enough when I’m depressed and/or angry. Balance is key. So here it goes. 

Finding friends in LA is hard. Finding friends in LA when you’re not in school, even harder. I somehow managed to do so. This is mainly due to the fact that I have amazing college friends that were willing to introduce me to their friends. I don’t credit my sunny personality ‘cause let’s be real here... I’m not always rainbows and butterflies. I’m very grateful for the friendships I formed in the past two years. I started a new chapter in my life and they are all now apart of it. I recently learned that forming friendships when being an adult is very different from forming friendships in high school or college. You find yourself with less patience for drama and superficial conversations. Time is precious, and the more time I spend with someone who doesn’t accept me as who I am and only likes to criticize, the less inclined I am to be friends with them. I’m still growing and learning. Being an adult doesn’t mean you have everything figured out. The only responsibility you have as an adult is to remain who you are (flaws and all) and to not take offense when someone doesn’t get along with you. You cannot expect everyone you meet to instantly be you bestie for life. Own up to the person you’ve become and put the time and effort into those that add happiness and value to your life. Don’t settle for anything less.

Be happy. Be healthy. Fitness has been very important to me for the last 4 months. I know I sound like a broken record (and very LA), but I’m going to continue to talk about it cause it has seriously changed my life for the better. It’s been hard to endure negative responses from people who I thought were my friends. I’ve learned to no longer associate myself with them, or at the very least, not share my passion for fitness when I’m around them. I’m going to be really honest here. I didn’t like my body. I was going through a lot of body image issues. I struggled with the way I looked and my weight all throughout college. I wasn’t horribly overweight or unhealthy, but I just wasn’t who I wanted to be. I knew I could be better, so much better. So, 7 months ago I decided to invest in myself. I joined a gym, got a personal trainer, and worked my ass off. It wasn’t until February of this year I decided to commit to understanding how food fuels my body. I experimented with clean eating and macros, and finally settled on a healthy balanced diet. I didn’t do all this alone of course... My trainer helped me through all of this and has been a major support system for me - not just in the gym, but in my personal life too. Now, I can’t imagine life without her. Fast forward to now, I’m stronger, healthier, and the most fit I’ve ever been. The thing is, I look the same but feel totally different. I finally accepted that numbers on a scale don’t matter, counting calories is ridiculous, and depriving myself of my favorite foods is not a good idea (mainly cause I get angry and take it out on others). I began to love myself. There is a difference between loving your life and loving yourself. I always loved my life, but I didn’t necessarily love myself. I still have major fitness goals. I have parts of me that I still want to work on. But the most important (and rewarding) thing I gained from this entire experience is failing and picking myself back up. Yeah, I had a slice of cake, three cookies, and ice cream last week. The old me would have tore herself up mentally and physically. The new me, now me, just hits the gym to lift heavy weights with the mentally that next week will be better. I will always get better. 

I’ve been all over the place with work - literally and mentally. I’ve been traveling every month since the new year. I can’t complain. I enjoy it, but it’s so exhausting. Traveling is one of the benefits of my job. I also have the flexibility of working where I want and when I want. I’m very grateful for having a great boss. But there is always that underlying need for more. More challenge? More development? More money? Well... yes to all. I have it good, but my mind keeps thinking if I could have it great elsewhere. I’ve always been on the run. I’m always motivated to move toward the next step. I’ve always wanted more. Then I realized I was just wasting so much effort and stress on progressing toward an unknown. I don’t know what I want to do from here. I don’t have it all figured out. So does that mean it’s okay to stay put? Hmmm.. not sure. I’ll let you know once I find the answer to that. For now, I’m just riding the waves. I’m a strong believer in opportunities coming along at the right time. 

My life in a nutshell. Well, a bit bigger (or longer) than a nutshell, but you get what I mean. I hope it doesn’t take me another 4 months to post. Well, maybe it does... ‘cause that would mean I’ll be preoccupied with life. 

I hurl into the moment like I'm standing at the edge  I know that no one's gonna turn me around Just one more step, I could let go Oh and in the middle, I hear the voices and they're calling for me now  And nothing's gonna wake me now 'Cause I'm a slave to the sound

And they're calling Don't stop, no, I'll never give up And I'll never look back, just hold your head up And if it gets rough, it's time to get rough They keep saying Don't stop, no one's ever enough

Into the fire feeling higher than the truth I can feel the heat but I'm not burning Feeling desire, feeling tired, hungry too  Feels like I'm falling I can hear them calling, but now I'm falling

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Page 364 of 365. Are you ready to close this book?

3 months, 10 days and I’m not slowing down anytime soon.

Where did the time go? It’s Christmas Christmas has come and gone and next it’s the end of 2015. What a year. An amazing year. A year of complete and utter change. 

I find it so fascinating that time and age changes the way a person views a life they had not too long ago. I really lost sight of all that I’ve gone through and how much more I still have left to live. I forget what it’s like to be annoyed at parents, live with sisters, and hang out with childhood friends. I miss it. I crave it. I believe you had to have taken some pretty lengthy strides to admit you miss things from your past. I’ve been so focused on the present and my future that I’ve ignored my past by default. That’s a lie. I work really hard to ignore my past. Now, I think it’s time to give it the credit it deserves. It did, after all, guide me to where I am today. 

I started out the year assuming that some time in between March and April I would get bored, make an irrational decision to jump careers, and move the hell out of LA. I have had this bad habit of not being able to stay in one place for too long. An internal alarm goes off to stir the pot, reset the timer, and throw everything up in the air to watch where things fall. Oh, how I was so, so wrong. Here I am, a year later, and I can’t imagine being anywhere else. 

Don’t get me wrong. I had some pretty shitty moments in 2015. I would say Jan thru Mar were my dark days. April rolled around, my promotion settled in, and things were a tad better (mainly cause I was making more money). Then bam, May hit and I was in the clear. Something happened. I  started actually building a life here. Not just that, I combined my separate lives into one beautiful one. I stopped resisting. I accepted this is going to be something for the long haul. I have everything I ever wanted. Career. Travel. Family. Friends. Stability. Health. I got it all. I’m so happy. I never thought I would feel this way. I never thought I would get to this point in my life in LA. I always thought I had to go back to NYC to find this... peace. I was wrong. I can have it all anywhere I am in this world. Just gotta work my ass for it ;)

I started this year with a lot of internal issues. Am I good enough to make it at my career? Am I smart enough to jump industries? Am I considerate enough as a daughter? Am I being a good sister? Could I afford to travel internationally? Should I be traveling? How much should I be saving? Am I resisting my life in LA? Do I really want to move to NY? Is this self-consciousness healthy? Would I ever love my body? Am I overweight and unhealthy? Am I as fit as I could be? Am I selfish for wanting all that I desire? 

I’m not saying that I’m ending 2015 with all my issues resolved, but I made good progress and I’m not looking to stop anytime soon. There is always room for improvement, to better yourself. That’s the thing about life... There should never be a point in your life where you don’t have any goals and dreams. You should constantly strive for a better version of yourself because you are the only one in control of how much you love your life. Be proud and don’t regret the choices you’ve made. After all, your past and your decisions are what make you you. 

Cheers to an even better 2016.

I'm looking for a place to start, But everything feels so different now. Just grab a hold of my hand, I will lead you through this wonderland. Water up to my knees, But sharks are swimming in the sea. Just follow my yellow light And ignore all those big warning signs.

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

ISTANBUL

It’s a sprawling, beautiful city, still, in spite of the unrestrained construction where Europe and Asia meet. There’s no place like it — and for a time, until very recently, it looked like the future.

We arrived in Istanbul at a hopeful time. The election results were in and power was shifting away, it appeared, from Prime Minister Erdogan and his ruling AKP. So, our show is filled with cautiously hopeful people.

Subsequent events have failed to deliver on their optimism. Turkey is hardly the only nation I can think of where fear, xenophobia, and ethnic hatred are vote getters. There’s plenty of that around. More and more these days, particularly in times of uncertainty, people seem to look to a “man on a horse” to solve their problems — ANY man, it appears sometimes.

This week’s episode captures a particular moment in time in a beautiful yet troubled country, where it looked for a while, like anything was possible.

Now, I’m not so sure. But its a place well worth visiting, to see for yourself, to meet the people, to eat the (terrific) food, to take in the stunning architecture and scenery.

Don’t let my gloom and pessimism and general misanthropy stop you.

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Moments

35 days, and I notice. I notice it all. 

Dating. It’s a funny thing. I never understood what it meant to date. I’m not talking about the constant texting, wooing, or late night phone conversations. I’m referring to the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, pure lust based on physical appearance, and casual lack of a label. It’s pretty damn entertaining. 

The game. Act like you don’t care so you won’t seem needy. Don’t text too much or you’ll seem clingy. Don’t fuck him on the first date or you’ll be called a slut. Don’t be too easy or he’ll put you in the DTF category. Don’t respond to booty calls or that’s all it will ever be. Don’t share too much personal information or you’ll get attached. Don’t be too available or it will seem like you’re only invested in him. So, what are you left with if you follow all the rules of the game? Prince charming? Fuck no. I’m not playing the game. And you shouldn’t either. 

Be you. It took a long time for me to understand what it means to date. Mainly because I didn’t know who I was and whether I was content with myself. That matters. 24 years later + experiencing (and recovering from) a broken heart + finding my confidence + discovering my inner cheerleader + overcoming the fear of getting hurt + witnessing true love (and their happily ever after) + finally realizing the joys of being selfish in life... I found my happiness, my character, and my priorities. Cement your values and don’t give into the game. It’s not worth losing yourself over. 

Dating is just a pass time. Dating is used to uncover who you label as a jerk and who you label as a nice person. Plain and simple. Sorry to break it to you, there is no prince charming. Well, not at first anyway. No guy is perfect. And no girl is perfect. That’s the secret. The more flaws you have, the more love you’ll receive. It takes a lot for someone to accept your flaws and love you anyway. Look forward to that. Find that. Cause everything else doesn’t matter. I’m ready to break all the rules of the game. Are you?

"Worry about your character. Not your reputation. Your character is who you are. Your reputation is who people think you are.” Fuck him on the first date. Text him when you want. Fuck him when he booty calls. Ask him out. Get attached. Then... well... be honest. Tell him what want. Don’t let the fear of rejection hold you back. Dating isn’t glamorous. There is no right or wrong. There are no rules. It’s not a game. There is no way to insure your heart won’t get dinged. If you want that head-over-heels love, you gotta get dinged up. Just, please don’t settle. Don’t take shit from assholes. Don’t feel guilty for saying no. Don’t care about judgement from others. Don’t lose your happiness. Don’t forget your character. Don’t shift your priorities. Don’t lose yourself.  

That person will come along. The person who towers above all the rest. You’ll know. Trust yourself. Until then, enjoy this pass time - just be safe :)

I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen But I have my moments Not the flawless one, I've never been But I have my moments I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don'ts But on good days I am charming as fuck

I can't be the perfect one But I'll make you come And I'm locked in your mind

You can say I don't belong That I'm so wrong I can tell, tell you lie

Rough around the edges Memories and baggage You know me

Never play a safe card When I go, I go hard And now you know

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Hello

I randomly thought about you the other day. I was lying in bed. My face pressed against his chest. I was asked to tell a story. An image of you flashed in my mind and I couldn’t shake the feeling that you wanted me to tell him about you. Was I wrong?

It’s been awhile since I allowed myself to think of you. I haven’t forgotten. At first I felt guilty when I didn’t remember it was your birthday or even the day you left me. But I told myself it didn’t matter. I still love you. I still remember everything. I still cherish us. You’re still very much apart of me. What I struggle with is not hearing your voice, your laughter, your sarcastic remarks, and humous comments. Lately, I found it hard to figure myself out... You could say that I’m a bit lost. These are the times I need you the most, and you’re just not around. 

Something about your spirit helps me identify who I am. After all, you impacted me in such a way that shaped who I am today. I’m lost, but not unhappy. In fact, I’ve been pretty happy lately. It’s rare to be happy for this long, but I’m grateful. My life is so full and all I want to do is tell you. All I want to do is share it with you. All I want is for you to know this is for you. Carpe Diem. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss you. I’ve been missing you hard lately. Someone managed to find the hollow space in my heart and asked me, “why so empty?” It caught me by surprise, but it also made me realize that I’m no longer scared to tell the story of how you completely changed my life. It seemed impossible for the longest time to accept why you died... To find a reason for your life to be cut short at the age of 19. I don’t have an answer, but I found peace in the fact that you are a large piece of my identity. That brought a smile to my face. 

Hello, it's me I was wondering if after all these years You'd like to meet, to go over everything They say that time's supposed to heal ya But I ain't done much healing Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be When we were younger and free I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet There's such a difference between us And a million miles Hello from the other side I must've called a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done But when I call you never seem to be home Hello from the outside At least I can say that I've tried to tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore Hello, how are you? It's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry, I hope that you're well Did you ever make it out of that town Where nothing ever happened?

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Crystals

21 days, and I’ve reset the clock... It was time to give back to myself. 

I’ve lived an unhealthy lifestyle for way too long. I’m not talking about eating junk food and not working out. Unhealthy doesn’t always mean “fitness.” Health applies to everything mental and physical. My inside wasn’t great, hence my outside suffered. 

I’ve become more selfish in the past 21 days than I’ve ever been. I never knew that would be possible. My life for the past four years has been me, just me. It wasn’t easy putting myself in the spotlight at first, cause let’s face it - we, ourselves, are our hardest critics. I bullied myself in all sorts of ways until I finally understood what it meant to care for myself. I accepted that my flaws make up a majority of who I am, so why try so hard to get rid of them? I embraced them and then, only then, I excelled. I put myself first, and I have no desire to change the ranking any time soon. 

Anyway, back to the past 21 days... I’ve invested a lot of time in me. I’ve challenged myself, pushed myself, and wholeheartedly committed myself into this crazy notion that I will be a happier person moving forward. But something happened that I did not expect - I feel different. I feel myself changing, which is odd because I thought I found my solid self years ago. I was content. Now, all of sudden I’m this person who is mentally and physically different. To be honest, I’m freaked out. My mind hums - is this just temporary? How long will this last? Am I permanently changing? Am I changing for the better? Should I be more cautious? Would people notice? If they do, what would they think? Should I care what they think? Am I happy with who I’m changing into? That’s the most important thing... right? What I think of myself? Tell me that’s true. Please.

Lost in skies of powdered gold Caught in clouds of silver ropes Showered by the empty hopes As I tumble down, falling fast to the groundI know I'll wither so peel away the bark Because nothing grows when it is dark In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear I see it all so clear

[diary-of-a-closet-writer]

Please save a Grizzly. Repost. Reblog. Retweet.

Photo credit: Soo Yeon Noh

This saddens me. 

During my recent trip to Grand Teton and Yellowstone National Parks, I was excited to see wildlife - animals in their own habitats, wandering free. I went on this trip thinking, “I want to get as close as possible to these animals. I want to see a bear while we hike. I want to experience nature.” I was completely wrong, and a complete idiot.

We as a society strive to preserve habitats and homes of these wild animals by creating these National Parks. We want to prolong the beauty of Mother Nature and ensure that generations after us have the privilege to witness such breathtaking sights. We are in a constant struggle with overpopulation, pollution, toxic emissions, etc… I’m not political person looking to right wrongs, nor am I a person who recycles all the time and drives an electric car. I’m just a person who appreciates landscapes and the way earth is intended to be.

As I explored both National Parks, I was… outraged. Buses full of tourists with selfie-sticks invaded the homes and grounds of magnificent creatures just to get an Instagram-able photo. I was one of those exact people (minus being on a tour bus and having a selfie-stick), but I caught myself in the act. We are the visitors. We are the invaders of homes. These wild animals don’t know any better. They are protecting themselves and their families. We have no right to stomp on their territory and demand their attention. No, we forfeit our safety when we choose to enter their homes.

That being said, I want to clarify that I’m not saying these National Parks are dangerous. I felt very much safe, mainly because of my research and friends to keep me out of harm’s way. I spoke to locals about when and where to hike. I read articles and guide books on what to wear and bring. I consulted with friends and listened to the hotel concierge when advised to have bear mace. I was being smart, as all people should be when they visit National Parks.

I’m not an experienced hiker, an amateur at best. I love being outdoors and I like to think I’m on my way to being a hiker, but I’m nowhere near the level of this man who was killed by a Grizzly. My deepest condolences go out to his friends and family. Sometimes all the safety precautions fall through. Maybe he forgot the bear mace or didn’t wear bells. Maybe he had all those things and was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Whatever the case, this was a tragic accident. A preventable accident.

I do not want to dismiss the seriousness of this accident, but I am utterly outraged at the park’s response. This accident does not warrant the capture and execution of the majestic creature. No one will ever know what went wrong. Tracks and evidence can only prove so much, but never the full story. It’s a known fact that a mama Grizzly will become violent when protecting her cub. It’s a known fact that Grizzlies are out and about this time of year, during that particular time of day. The mountains and forest are their home. The open meadows are their land. They have the right to have the natural instinct to protect their young, just like humans do.

We, humans, have no jurisdiction to sentence a Grizzly to death. It’s disgusting and arrogant of us to think that we need to take such steps for human safety in parts on this earth that is meant for other creatures. We do not and should not dominant every single inch of this earth.

Please spread the word.

-Katie (Just a normal girl with a passionate opinion.)