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[diariesofthatmom]

It has been over two months since I busted the bubble that was his secret. The secret of his son. The secret of his irresponsible acts. The secret that ruined us. For days, weeks, months I tried to stay silent. To let this “man” process what was coming in his world. I was kind. I was patient but while I planned and prepared for the life that was growing inside me, I watched him freeze. He continued to go to school and work. He continued to maintain a relationship with his family and friends but he froze internally. He couldn’t say he was going to become a father or that he had created a life.  I don’t know if me speaking up that my son exists was the right or wrong thing to do. But when life is happening, as it never stops, I knew it was best to keep going. Every week that passed was a week that he grew bigger. Every week that passed was a week that we were closer to meeting him.

[diariesofthatmom]

Talk about a fucking process

I truly cannot stress how absolutely done I feel. Not with my baby but with everything this pregnancy has entailed. A baby daddy who has abandoned his son. A grandmother who just cannot understand what is happening. And an expecting mother that feels weaker every day. I anticipate meeting my son but I also know that I’m going to be faced with such judgement and lack of faith that I don’t want that time to come. Every day feels so empty, so hopeless. I don’t know how any of this happened. I don’t know why I was given what I thought was a blessing but what feels like will be the end of me. On every occasion I thought I would succeed, I’ve failed. I’ve already failed him.