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Just returned from a pretty wild trip to Madison. I got to spend 3 evenings with baby jeaquín and Kelly and I looked at family photos and on the second night we watched home video.
Kelly helped me process some things from my upbringing that I've hung onto for a long time. All of these memories have gendery feels and have surfaced over the years as I've unpacked the subconscious and conscious desire to express myself in gender nonconforming and feminine ways.
First my mom really wanted a daughter and my brothers wanted me to be their sister.
When I was in preschool I was friends with the neighbor girl. My brothers were friends with her older brothers. When I got to kindergarten, and got on the bus, I sat with her because we were friends. Other kids on the bus bullied me and told me that she was my girlfriend. My mom helped me come up with a response for the next time it happened, which was to let them know she was my friend who is a girl... (But this highlights the transphobic nature of heteronormativity)
Similar time period, was when the kids coming into kindergarten had a 'meet the teacher day' and one of the teachers told me that sheep aren't purple and scolded me for coloring sheep purple(my favorite color) on a coloring page. ( The other teacher, who knew my parents, witnessed this and took me into her class for the following year 💞)
There is a very cute photo of me in a little tiny flower-girl dress. I think the neighbors of one of my friends was babysitting me and they got me dressed up with lipstick. In the photo I look pretty happy, while my brother puts bunny ears up behind me. The whole thing feels representative of the spectacle that feminity was culturally for me. I don't think it took much coaxing to get me to put the dress on. I think I was thirsty for feminine influence. But someone thought it was a remarkable moment worth capturing, and there is obvious humor involved.
There was a neighbor girl who lived up the hill from me and once while I was over there the older kids got her to bend over and told me to kiss her butt. Bizzare... and another example of my older peers forcing me into romantic/sexual/inappropriate and importantly: non-platonic relationships with my same-aged neighborhood girls who were the closest and easiest access I had to feminine influence and the experiences of being raised as a girl. There are photos of me and this girl dancing together at a school event before we were in kindergarten. I look thrilled to be dancing with her. I remember into middle school feeling weird when I saw her because I had kissed her butt.
I vividly remember my mom convincing me to stop wearing tall socks, and telling me that my brothers friend, who was a boy, loves ankle height socks. The embodied felt-sense memory of this moment is having the autonomy to freely express myself stripped from me. Not sure tall socks are explicitly gendered but I remember feeling like I couldn't wear what I wanted to wear.
There's a whole photo album labeled, 'spunki's buzz'. While my mom was out of town my dad buzzed my brother and I's hair. I have a lot of curiosity about this moment and how much was your pressure and how much was genuine desire. I recall later in my youth wanting to grow my hair out long and not being allowed to.
That's all for now 💞
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The beauty of bleeding out my nose when I cry. My soft dewy eyelashes remind me of nectarous flowers opening to the brightness of the sun, but instead it's just my tears opening to the immensity of my body's bright glimmering emotions.
I imagine that my emotions erupt into my bloodstream which invokes the sensation to cry. I let it overtake me. And the expression isn't enough. My emotions need to be seen more, so they rupture vessels and drip drop into the kitchen sink.
I watch the red spread, star-shaped drops form in the base of the sink, while I watch with astonishment. I am alive. I bleed blood with hormones in it. Chemicals I perceive from the inside as waves, clouds, stories, yet they lie invisible in my blood, hiding in plain sight, in the kitchen sink.
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My tendon body has felt tight for weeks
Stretches don't seem to help but that's said without routine
Hard to sleep before 11
Hard to wake before 7 honestly
Been a long busy stretch. Could use another day
But lovin' has been flowin flowin flowin
And that is really exciting and nice and cute and filling.
But havnt had my intention time with my besties in a while.
Big run today though and honestly felt so one with the woods. In a runners high way that I've never experienced. Trees felt like I was seeing them for the first time. Cottonwood seeds felt euphoric on my retinas. Beetles out wandering mating....they've maybe never seen a road before. Their ignorance is my bliss. Their innosence is my bliss. I live for the creaturely beings that are blissfully ignorant of the destruction we've wrought on this planet. I need to find a head space that is similar to that of this run but more greivey. I want to grieve that massive impacts human life has. The fawn. the porcupine. All the sweet sweet innocent beings whos lives are devistatedly ended by the road. The pavement pain on their feetsies.
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Havin good days streak together is so fun
Sleepy tho but so fun
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Hahaha of course we were born able to control our emotions, reactions, perception. Of course we have access to our breath. The ability to adjust how we feel in activated shoes to view the world through the lens of the most calm states
Building the neural network of love and kindness allows us to exist in those pathways even when we do not see them. Do not feel them from the outside.
Our love is a framework. A lens.
A mind-state we can cultivate
To exist in
To pass thoughts thru, to see how they look on the other side.
We are limitless because we can change our brains, how we think, we can focus n our values, and strive to always do what is most loving.
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Rough draft of some ideas:
Survival of the fittest is framed as like this macho power-over type of winning the genetic competition for most warlike strongest and most likely to mate the most
Seems like the patriarchy to me
what follows I hope is a nudging of definitions and understandings that in reflection, their absence should clearly read as independance, agression, and desire to own and win.
I see genetic and ((( ))) variation to be the beneficial driving forces behind evolution and change. Having diversity allows for evolution or positive change ( change that benefits the whole). Listening to more voices opens your ears to togetherness and oneness ( with self, other, and planet). We are as diverse as ecosystems allow and then some. We are expanding into all new things to feel for the edges of the unknown. It is safest in the dark with another or others. Fear of dark is not fear of death, but rather fear of isolation and lack of protection.
Quite literally the populus dies if it becomes too clone like. we survive off helping eachother and protecting. We all survive if we all help eachother out. we as in the human race and all other non-human species. Without our buzzing friends the bees we wouldn't be able to taste so many sweet and fruitful things! We buzz with the bees and our gift is honey, apples, berries, the spiciest of peppers. The beauty of flowers is millions of years of evolutions forces changing incrementally towards the beauty of graditude and admiration in order to set forth the awe inspired by weddings, funerals and births.
Happiness is connected to doing generous things, having good relationships, and feeling a part of all the earthly comraderie of pollination, migration, blushing cheeks, and the deep sense of mourning we experience with the death of a loved one. This is the depth with which we feel. If we listen, all our feelings are that deep, and feeling them is the way to open up the obvious path within us to spread love, kindness, and compassion. The barefoot path is one that increases your number sensitivities. We've forgotten how are bodies smell and and the voices of our non-human neighbors.
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You're strong because youre alive/human. I've been going to weekly tergar curriculum meditations at the local meditation center and been also watching videos with mingyur rimpoche and he's a wealth of wisdom....but I feel it's been sinking in! I feel everyone is deeply compassionate and full and desiring of love and kindness. An inherent born -in trait.
Meditation (with guided focus, inspiration from videos, and over time with the Healthy Minds app (rooted in tergar curriculum, too!)) Is allowing me to KNOW that we all are inattely deserving and comprised of love, compassion, and kindness. It just takes awareness(what meditation cultivates) to become aware of these traits.
Mingyur rimpoche talks about how it's like when people have their glasses on their head but they can't find them//are looking everywhere for them. Happiness comes with awareness. And awareness can be tapped into in every moment (with practice!!!). He says with the work he came to realize how EASY and SIMPLE happiness is just like how easy it is to find your glasses on your head. We can't find it because it's TOO easy.
I feel I've been able to tap into that. And relate to that more and more which is cool. And in that, I believe so strongly that EVERYone could. Including you. That is why I'm confident you are strong.
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