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The Gene Pool-You're doing it wrong.

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That guy Anonymous has some really great quotes. He should write a book. A book of quotes though, not just some book.

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Generally when you are in Savannah, GA you have an awesome time. After a night full of said awesome times with some amazing people, and some regular people we found ourselves recanting the nights experiences: Laughter ensued, stories were told, cheers were made, girls were dropped on concrete while dancing, rooftops were scaled, showers were taken, songs were sung, high-fives were high-fived, disco balls were installed, hunch punch coolers were dressed in tuxedos, diplomas were earned, absolutely no piggybacks were given, and thankfully everyone left with their front teeth still intact.

This video was taken the next morning, it really has no meaning directly, and was spur of the moment (Improv, for all of you thespians out there). The laughter is more contagious than yawning. Why stop an awesome night just because the next morning has come?

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Uh-Oh. Looks like someone forgot to water the frogs.

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Will you ever go up against the IBM Watson Computer in Trivia?

I actually did, while competing in a Cash Cab. I won both simultaneously, though I was in Jeopardy on a couple of questions. From what I understand Watson will eventually become Skynet and attempt world domination. That's why Arnold Schwarzenegger had the love child. He is going to lead the resistance in 2029. Not that any of it really matters because the world ended last Saturday.

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This game, like all other things ridiculous, is from Japan. It's pretty awesome to watch. I hope that it catches on in America. In the event that it does I will immediately begin a business manufacturing Bo-Taoshi uniforms. Judging from the rampant shirtlessness involved, I should become the worlds first bajillionaire in mere months.

Do you think that there are positions in this game? Rules, are apparently out of the question but some semblance of organization has to be present.

"Okay, Jerry-you are going to be playing Face-Kicker today. Fredrick-we really need a big game from you at People Climber. Roger-you played great at Pole-Up-The-Ass last week, but we are going to move you to Outside Shirt Ripper."

Seriously Japan, I feel like your entire culture is built around bringing to life the imagination of a 5 year-old and frankly I am shocked that the participants are not dressed up as cartoons. Maybe they save that for the All Star Game. Also, how hard is it to get a game of Bo-Taoshi together? Calling up 200 friends to hang out, get elbowed in the face and have their bodies used as a stepladder while their clothes are being violently shredded, has to be difficult.

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This is every MacGyver invention ever. Study it. It may come in more handy than you may think in the event you should ever have to use a pair of jeans to escape an acid waste disposal system or make chemical plasma. And as we all know, one never knows what life will throw at you.

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Real life is so much better than Photoshop. This kayak is twelve and half feet long, which makes the shark a shade under enormous. If I were this guy, I would have this picture blown up and hung above my couch. When people asked about it I would say something like, "Oh, that? That's a picture of me when I was being a bigger bad-ass than anyone you have ever made eye contact with."

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The sign above the exit to Notre Dame's locker room reads "Play Like a Champion Today". For some reason the story of Robert Patrick "Rocky" Bleier #20 for the Pittsburgh Steelers has been lost throughout the years, yet the Notre Dame mantra has never been more embodied.

The short version:

Dominate the running back position in Wisconsin High School Football. Go to Notre Dame. Win the 1966 National Championship and become Captain in 1967. Get drafted and play for the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1968. Get drafted by the United States of America in 1968. VOLUNTEER for Vietnam. Get shot by a sniper bullet in the left thigh, then while already being shot, have a grenade land on you and fill your right leg with shrapnel. Receive the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star. Next move.

Try to walk again. Try to recover.  Have the doctors tell you that you will never play football again. Receive a letter reading simply, "Rock - the team's not doing well. We need you. Art Rooney".

Decide that you get one chance at this whole "life" thing. Gain 35 lbs after getting released...TWICE, so that "some time in the future you didn't have to ask yourself 'what if?'".

Work at walking again, work at running again, work at football again.

Suit up. Wrap yourself in pads, and your legs in endless amounts of tape. Wrap yourself in the colors of the city of Pittsburgh.

Win 4 Super Bowls.

Act as if it is no big deal.

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"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it is difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

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The World is a Better Place

As you may have heard Osama, or Usama bin Laden (Which is the correct spelling? In any case, I prefer the incorrect spelling because fuck him, that's why) has been laid to rest by the hands of the Navy SEALS of the United States. In you perusing of the interwebs you may have come across this quote, which is only marginally attributable to Martin Luther King Jr:

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that..."

Or this variation:

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that"

Fantastic. Do your research instead of blindly posting something off of someones Facebook wall. The source of my disdain is not with the misquote itself from Dr. King's book "Strength to Love", but rather the general sentiment that people have presented during a time of war with regards to an attack on our country. 

Lets try this one instead:

"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve." -Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto

We can all go about smelling our flowers and hugging those who we feel need it, but the fact is that this happened http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRvUzpSmxAc&feature=related The time for talking it out has long since passed, and to say that hate has no place in today's society is beyond ridiculous. Example: I hate mosquitoes. They make you itch and they buzz in your ear whilst you are trying to sleep. Let's keep Malaria in mind. Mosquitoes have killed more people than pretty much anything (organized religion excluded) and despite people's greatest efforts; all of the hugs, all of the love, and all of the sympathy do not seem to prevent infectious disease from being carried from these insects. Do you know what does? Smashing them against the wall. The very demise of these bugs assures in the alleviation of the prospect of liver and kidney failure, or shitting and vomiting yourself to death. I assure you that it is more prudent to respond with the sole of a Chuck Taylor before providing a loving embrace...I don't need to connect dots at this point, do I?

My intent would never be to trivialize the events of 9-11, but the general pacifist sentiment and hesitation of those to embrace the death of bin Laden is nauseating. Let's call him an extremist, let's say that he had a rough childhood, let's pretend that he was a misguided young man or that the itchiness of his beard was overwhelming. Islam is a religion of peace as some say, and he was a radical. I challenge you to find a religion of peace. Any one of them. Buddhists are pretty chill, but their mascot is a portly, cherubic fellow who is always smiling, what do you expect? With regards to the rest - Wiki the Crusades. Someone check with an Aztec, Mayan, or Inca...wait, nevermind.

Pay attention. Historically, it is because one person's book of beliefs is more popular or cooler than anothers. It is as simple as that. Read anything from your history books, or just watch any news channel. While people may not believe in Zeus or Poseidon any longer, (let us not talk about the looks one would get if they did) you must realize that our world's "beliefs" are essentially A STORY IN A BOOK. 

I can agree with the one part of Islamic law based upon Hammurabi's Code...an eye for an eye. I'm sure that you are aware of the idea that thieves under this law are certain to have their hands cut off. While the idea of that may seem extreme to some, and brutal to others, the fact remains that the difficulty of stealing shit with hands vs. without hands has been ramped up from a 2 to a 10. The same way that it is intrinsically difficult to mastermind the attack on a foreign country with a bullet lodged somewhere behind one's eye.

The United States did what was the right thing to do. Despite saying your prayers, reading your magic books, and hugging all of the terrorists that you can fit your arms around-the fact of the matter is that the world is a better place because Osama bin Laden is dead.

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kylesimmons:

I’m a big NHL and NBA fan. Tonight, I am going to game 6 of the Nashville Predators vs. Vancouver Canucks series here in Nashville, which is awesome, but it also means I’ll miss the Heat-Celtics game going on at the same time. This made me think, how much am I really going to miss this game? So I...

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"Here's to us and people like us. God Bless America and no place else - May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather"

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Look at this picture. Do you see those things on the bottom. Those are belts. This article from Details magazine may very well be the impetus for me starting a blog. After seeing these belts I felt an overwhelming need to express my disdain for this kind of absurdity. You may not be able to see it, the designer and price can is listed on the middle right side of the page. The designer is a gentleman by the name of Tom Ford. The price tag is $680. Each. For belts made of canvas. I had a belt like this in cub scouts. From what I remember the cost was merely a few hundred mosquito bites and some sweet patches. I must repeat through the typographical equivalent of yelling. SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DOLLARS. I looked it up, and initially thought that this price was listed in Rupees, it is in fact, in American Dollars. While the Preparatory stylings of Alex P. Keaton may be intrinsically valuable to the average Details reader, these simple, canvas belts are six hundred and eighty fucking dollars. I hope to God that if the world makes sense this Tom Ford fellow is starving in a gutter of retribution for making belts that cost roughly $675 more than they are worth. The bottom belt resembles bacon. While bacon is delicious for breakfast, or on a sandwich, I feel that the trend of a $680 belt that looks like uncooked hog belly may never catch on. But I may be wrong. Ugg Boots are still worn, and girls, nobody likes them. At all. Romanian thrift shops are full of them with the tags still on them. Eskimos think they look like shit. Please stop.

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It is important that people are aware that 30 years ago there was a presidential assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. For some reason John Hinckley Jr. tried to woo Jodie Foster by killing the President of the United States. Granted, that does sound crazy. More crazy, however, is the fact that people WATCHED THIS ON TELEVISION, and it was broadcast to millions of homes. It gets worse. Despite the fact that everyone in the world watched it happen, and despite the video that still exists, and with the fact that Hinckley is still alive, it is important that everyone know that he was found "Not Guilty"...He was found not guilty of an assassination attempt that was broadcast LIVE on TV. This is 1981. We are not talking "LOST" style CGI here, we are talking giant Pac-Man arcade games were the peak of technology. The video is real. John Hinckley Jr. shot the President of the United States of America on television and was found "not guilty by reason on insanity". How could he not be guilty? You can literally watch him shoot the President of the United States on TV. There is footage. This isn't the Zapruder film here, Hinckley killed people. The Brady Bill (as in James Brady. Reagan's Press Secretary who got SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD live on TV) was born from this day, and yet, John Hinckley Jr. continues to suck the same oxygen as the mouths of the truly innocent. You slipped America. Is there no more treasonous act than the assassination of a countries leader? Seriously, I am pretty sure we can save a significant amount of tax dollars with a 15 cent bullet.

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Keep trying. Those girls are just stuck up. I can't tell you how many people that I know who have met their future ex-wives this way.

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Sweet apples! This is amazing.