desigairmulki

[desigairmulki]

There was a time when I never thought I would laugh or smile again.. but I did, even brighter and louder than I ever had before. A little line that gets me through tough times: “This time too shall pass”...and it always does...

There is no better feeling than being un-apologetically you, don’t deprive yourself of it.

[desigairmulki]

Lonely without you

I��m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. I’m the new face for the fight for feminism in Pakistan, I am a socialite. I have friends and obligations, I have a life a lot of people would wish for, but I don’t have you. It’s in moments like these, when I’ve removed the heels, the make up, the facade- when I’m completely vulnerable, when I’m just simply me, when I can no longer distract myself with these petty issues, when I’m exhausted and just want to talk to you about my day and hear about yours and I'm reminded that you’re not there... then I am not a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man, I’m a lost soul searching for her other half.

In these moments I ask myself: why don’t you love me like I love you? Did you ever? Do you still ever think about me?  Do you even care?  But you don’t answer, because you’re not there. And maybe I’ll have to wait to know your answers, but haven’t you already given them..

[desigairmulki]

Saturday Night

So here goes.. It’s Saturday night and there’s a party, but I'm not going. Why? Because my SAT is in 6 days and I'm stressed out as fuck! No one understands how much immense pressure I’m under to get 1400+. it’s too easy for some people, but for people like me, who don’t test well... Standardised testing is literally the boogie man your mother warned you about personified. If I don’t get 1400+ then that means I'll have to go to IBA, a university in Karachi, the city in which I live. And I just DON’T want to go there.. it’s not me, it’s not where I belong. I want to leave home , I want to move on with my life and end the chapter that is my childhood ONCE AND FOR ALL. I am ready to be independent, I'm ready to be my own person rather than my parents’ daughter... my entire future rests on this one test. For those of you who haven’t guessed, I need the 1400 + to be considered for aid from US universities. If I don’t get aid, I don’t get to go...And so here I am on Saturday night, at home, in bed. Potentially revealing my problems and most intimate thoughts to a bunch of strangers rather than my friends. Why? Well because most of them honestly care. I have 3 people in my life who I would normally go to when these kinds of things happen, i.e: I feel stressed and overwhelmed. Ayesha, my ex best friend. We met last year and became pretty close pretty fast. She was my sister, my best friend, someone who I thought understood me completely and would always be there for me...she proved last month that she isn’t who I thought she was (For another time). Then there’s Hassan, my better half, someone I love with all my heart and would give and do anything for, but who just wouldn’t do the same for me. Lastly there’s Ali, we still talk, but he’s completely changed. He’s moved away and completely lost perspective so he isn’t much help at all. I feel all alone, like I have no one. I miss Ayesha, I wish things could just go back to the way they were. Before everything got so screwed up, but I don’t think they ever can... I miss Hassan, I wish he cared about me like I cared about me like I do him, I wish his actions matched his words. I love him, but I need to learn to love me more. I can’t let him treat me the way he does. Why is it always so hard to do the right thing?

[desigairmulki]

#1

I used to think blogging was what was required of me as an ‘in the know’ hip and happening new teen. I cared more about aesthetics and posting content that I thought would be socially acceptable and so awe inspiring I’d get discovered and land a book deal and be so FUCKIN FAMOUS that Ivy League unis would be fighting over me...RATHER.. that posting what I REALLY wanted to. It’s been 4 years since I created this mostly inactive account and I’ve decided it’s finally time to put it to use.  This maybe a stupid idea, people may read this or they may not... but a person needs to vent ESPECIALLY when you’ve got a life like mine. I used to write a diary but I don’t know why that doesn’t appeal to me anymore, I mean WHY pour your heart out only to slam them shut and hide them so no one can ever see them. I guess one could argue that to some extent that’s what this is, but to me it’s different because I’m not hiding, I’m putting myself out there. I’m most probably being high key ignored BUT I am putting myself out there.  Disclaimer: I rant a lot, and I don’t think I’m very relatable..I’m really not sure if this would be your cup of tea, but if it is enjoy.

P.S: Names of people and organisations will be altered obviously...

WELCOME INTO MY HEAD

[desigairmulki]

For the first time ever, I feel like I am awake. I am aware not just of what is happening to me, but to those around me. I am seeing things I've never seen before, feeling things I've never felt before, and I realise that there's more than one way to be blind