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o to pine melancholically, not for a Lover, but for Life!

in a funky moment of yearning u feel me calling back to the red couch in the mountains at 19 listening to steve reich or berg or bjork or fela kuti and thinking about the vast unknownness of the future, o ohio, etc.

new york continues. another chapter ahead.

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Amazing aurora spiral captured by David Cartier.

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feelin weird and sad

I shouldn’t feel sad probably but I kinda do.

I think there’s an open question about whether I can step out of a startup mindset for a bit and live life given that the first two records are now in the mastering stage and the rest is figured out (finally, after years of stress). maybe it’s that I might have had c*vid the week before last; I’d thought it was just a cold. but now it feels like I have long c*vid symptoms. so, fine, I’ve been through it before and it’ll go away on its own time.

splitting with hinge girl is a bummer, even though we only went on like 4 dates. but it also feels like what had to happen.

things are actually going reasonably well and I can’t complain but I do feel old and tired. I mean I’m 28, it shouldn’t be that bad. but 2022 really took everything I had. I want to get back into it but I’m tired and feel like a lost and broken person, lol. or maybe that’s just because the things I did took what I had and I am working my way once more towards centeredness (easier to do when you don’t have brain fog, etc). so that I can strike out again and restructure my being again.

I guess it’ll be fine. life continues. tim hecker is good. I’m having my moment with his music now. there’s a lot to learn in those mixes.

so much admin to do. so little willpower.

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goddamn. life is fuckin’ weird, yo

looking back on life a whole lot lately and asking ‘how did I get here?’ david byrne style, bustin it down sexual style, you know those dance moves. 

it’s like maybe things are going to work out possibly?

also for those keeping score it’s fucking wild what happens (especially in a period of hustling and income insecurity ie being a freelancer in your 20′s) after you meet someone who you think might be your soulmate in your mid-20′s and then you really find out that they are definitively not, but you’ve also discovered an intensity that will be tough to find again anytime soon, and anyway there’s a career that has suddenly become possible, so you tumble forward through the chaos of the city unceasingly searching for The Thing, carrying amps and pipe organs and subwoofers up 4 flights of stairs and then back down, play shows wandering the northeast US DIY scene, going to experimental music parties and also music/poetry nights that turn out to be concerningly d*mes sq*are adjacent and everyone you talk to has 10000 instagram followers, or try to schlep together a sustainable freelance schedule that leaves your time open enough to keep making work that maybe possibly will tumble forward into some kind of doorway; the hope of selling records and making any real money seems impossibly distant, and yet that’s.. the dream? In the meantime you’re bowing fishingline tied around the guitar strings through delay pedal, reverb pedal, into the amp, amp distortion, amp reverb on a rooftop for like 20 people, which isn’t huge numbers but is like noticeably larger numbers than last time, and more are showing up as the set ends and after it ends in anticipation of the closing act (the act you booked who is also a mentor whose life is, indeed, a glimpse into another, better, truly incredible world. The dream.)

And then you get an email from Someone Important and you just collapse because a weight has been lifted, slightly, and it could come back down any moment, but until that moment you didn’t even realize that you were carrying that weight?

Getting a glimpse of what is possible keeps raising the bar.

External motivation has never played a significant role in my life before.

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Heiko Gerlicher

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sus@

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september 12th: recovering from COVID. the year ahead is unknown and unknowable as fuck, bro. last year I typed here that I didn’t know what I was trying to manifest for September.... hooboy.. this year I know even less. Or maybe more, but knowing more while also understanding how little I know. I know so little about where anything is going. 28.

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damn, love the way the sound of the hall informs this performance of eight lines

thinking more and more about how production really changes the vibe with steve’s music

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Long Lake

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by robin.gooijers.photographie

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Victor Vasarely (Hungarian/French, 1906-1997), Barka-Deu, 1982. Acrylic on canvas, 192.4 x 192.4 cm.

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damn. in my ongoing effort to chill the fuck out I just watched the latest season of rick and morty and the part where 26-year-old-morty is like “I’m 26! I’m almost ready to sell out!” hit real hard.

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Kevin Mueller

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Gloria Petyarre

Bush Medicine Leaves, ca. 2009

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Salvador Dalí (Spanish, 1904-1989), Déesse de la pluie [Goddess of the Rain]. Gouache, crayon, sanguine and ballpoint pen on paper laid down on canvas, 38.4 x 27.3 cm.

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Ira Springs Memorial Trail, December 2018

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By KotomiCreations

Carrouges, Orne, Normandy, France