derpaholicraccoon

[derpaholicraccoon]

The Shape of Ideas

[derpaholicraccoon]

In my freshman year of college I dated a Taiwanese exchange student. His dad was raised in the US so this dude spoke perfect English with a nearly perfect American accent. It got to be where some people just forgot he wasn’t American, or assumed he’d be familiar with western cultural staples.

One day I said to him “ooh, we should get our dorms together and watch the Princess Bride”

And he scoffed and said, “i do not want to watch a movie called ‘The Princess Bride.’”

And I realized he had never heard of this film and I could approach any man on campus and ask them if they liked the Princess bride and know without a doubt that they’d say yes. I spent a delightful 30 minutes dragging this boy around asking the gnarliest men I could find if they liked a movie called the princess bride

[derpaholicraccoon]

having a conversation with your sibling can go only one of two ways:

"hey, remember that profoundly horrible thing our mother did? what psychological effects did it have on you?"

"i've been meaning to talk to you about that, actually-"

or

"c'mere."

"no."

"it's about the most fuckable Batman-"

"i'm in, what is it-"

[derpaholicraccoon]

[derpaholicraccoon]

my partner is only 40 but nestled within him is the soul of an elderly man

[derpaholicraccoon]

[on the verge of having a complete breakdown] i need to make some kind of list or perhaps sort things into categories

[derpaholicraccoon]

[derpaholicraccoon]

shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

[derpaholicraccoon]

I loveee fantasy settings doing magical exhaustion:

burnt out pyromancers emitting steam and smoke

tired cryomancers shivering with visible foggy breath

weary necromancers looking ill and hearing voices

frazzled healers receiving the same cuts, bruises, and injuries of their patients

[derpaholicraccoon]

Tumblr is unique bc like. It's collaborative shitposting and you can't opt in or out. You can just say something about your day then an evil wizard shows up to turn your post into something humorous

Every other site is just one and done, but here a post is a welcome mat to be funnier than you

[derpaholicraccoon]

”okay but are you normal about-“ no. I’m an insane pervert.

[derpaholicraccoon]

man

[derpaholicraccoon]

[derpaholicraccoon]

“Get his ass” Is so unreasonably funny to me. A huge win for the English language. Today’s version of “seize him” imo

[derpaholicraccoon]

rb to have a super gay 2023

[derpaholicraccoon]

Hey, take it from someone creeping towards 40:

Ignore the fun police.

If you like it, order your steak well done. Get your bagel toasted with jam and butter. Put ice in your scotch and ketchup on your hotdog. Get red wine with fish and white with steak. Who cares?

If you want to, listen to pop music. Watch blockbuster popcorn flicks. Read dime store novels. Enjoy them.

Dye your hair or cut it off. Paint your fingernails blue. Wear whatever the fuck you want on your own time (ie, when not at a job or school or whatever where you can get penalized for breaking rules) as long as you aren’t like welding or shoveling snow.

Anyone who tries to tell you you’re wrong? Say “okay” and go back to what you were doing. You’re not hurting them by enjoying yourself or having things the way you like them.

There are no caveats or addendums to this. No “but what about x?” Nah. You’re allowed the things you like. You don’t have to justify your taste or apologize for it if it’s not hurting anyone.

And likewise, let other people live their lives. We’re all dead in the long run, so tend your own garden before you become fertilizer in it.

[derpaholicraccoon]

soap has known for a while now that ghost is an absolute menace. most people think the stoic lieutenant has little sense of humour beyond those one or two jokes he’ll throw out during a mission, but soap knows better.

ghost routinely does things to subtly throw people off, whether or not they’re aware of it. he’ll move things slightly over from where they normally stand, will steal food when someone’s not looking. he pulls pranks on the 141 and is capable of making an obnoxious higher-up make a fool of themselves without realizing it until it’s too late.

one of soap’s favourite schemes, once he figures it out, is the one where ghost will prop a chair against a wall, and sit like he’s overlooking a room, or a group of rookies. he’ll fold his arms over his chest, wear those extra-tinted sunglasses of his, and take a nap while everyone is none the wiser, all carefully skirting around what they’re saying and doing because it looks like the lieutenant is watching, listening.

soap discovered he did this after he’d been talking to ghost for some ten minutes straight without receiving so much as a grunt in response, only to nearly have a heart attack when he had gotten closer to check ghost was still breathing and ghost had chosen that moment to wake up. ghost thought it was hilarious, and it’s a little funny in retrospect, but now soap is a bit more hyper-vigilant when it comes to sussing out ghost’s schemes.