depresso-grande-espresso

[depresso-grande-espresso]

3am

Its 3am and I have no fucking idea who’s gonna be reading this, but I don’t decide when I feel what I feel, I just decide to share it with all of you unfortunate people reading right now. Do you ever wonder if the effort you put in is worth it sometime? No matter what, for some reason, life has a funny way of fucking you over and crumbling anything and everything you’ve worked hard to achieve. When I was younger I always had a hard time making friends, I would do my best and I would make acquaintances here and there, people that were relevant at the time, but at any given time or moment I could drop them or they could leave my life and I wouldn’t give a single shit about them or what happens to them after that. This is extremely fucked up, or so I feel like this thought should be fucked up, but it seems normal to me and I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that people crave, seek, and desire other attention so badly that they’d do ANYTHING just to achieve it. Like a drug human company just seems so addictive to others, but for some reason I don't want it what-so-ever. I thought that I was beginning to throw away this mindset and way of life, for the first time I had the most close friends I have ever had. While I wont be naming names since I’m still “friends” with them, I will say that being in their company and experiencing their actions, attitudes, and lack of reciprocated respect toward me have confirmed my thoughts of not needing friends. I’ve learned what it means to be so utterly devoted to others, to drop everything I’m doing to help them and be with them, to lie to family that way I could spend even 5 more minutes with them, to crave their attention and love so bad that it hurts when I’m seen as invisible by them. I don't understand why the only attention I receive from them is when I put forward the effort. It doesn’t seem like people that treat me like an invisible afterthought are ones that I should go out of my way and continuously put in one sided effort toward keeping that relationship. So I’ve decided that I wont stand for it, I cant bring myself to leave the group yet, but I refuse to be the one continuously putting in 100% of the effort. I’m going to give them until the end of the summer to be the ones to put in the effort, if they can’t do it, then my answer is clear and I know what I have to do. I still have second thoughts though so if you have any advice, any words of wisdom ir even of encouragement I will take them. I don’t know when I will post again but if anyone wants updates just let me know and I’ll make it a point to come back and give examples or let you guys know when I make my final decision. Goodnight/Good morning and I hope all of you are living your best lives