depressionist

[depressionist]

day 1452

today just isn’t a good day. i’ve been feeling down for a while now. probably because of stress from final exams and that. i don’t know why i let this shit get to me. i was sure i was stronger than this. a lot of the time i’ll go to work on something and just feel like shit. like it’s not worth the trouble because it’ll be no good. and for some reason these emotions always come during the spring time.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1326

i've never fully understood the concept of one's feelings/emotions just taking over. it's been about 7 months since my grandmother passed away and today is her birthday. the first time i fully cried at a funeral was during her's. so tonight is especially hard. for one it's her birthday. and for two it's christmas. my family always spends christmas night at my grandparents house with my huge extended family just talking and hanging out. and my grandmom always sat in this one specific spot on her couch. not realizing this tonight i sat where she always sat. after a few minutes it came back to me that i was where she was supposed to be. but she isn't there. i don't know why this struck me so deeply. but the tears just started streaming. i couldn't be in that house let alone that room. i left to smoke a cigarette outside to ease myself. unfortunately it didn't work. i couldn't control anything when my sister came outside and immediately hugged me. it was incredibly difficult. all i could say was "i just wanna go home". i couldn't take the emotions i was feeling. i knew if i'd stayed it would only get worse. so i left. walked home. and fortunately my dog somehow sensed how i was feeling and came right up and laid with me.

i'm doing better at the moment.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1325

lately i've just been questioning whether i'm doing really anything with me life. i'm not depressed over it. i think it's actually just pushing me to do something with my life. make a change. see the world. something that i think will make some sort of difference. but i just don't know where to start.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1102

things are just getting too hard. school is a complete shit show and i don't know how to do any better. there's be too many days where i feel like i'm nothing and can't keep doing this. but i push through. i'm trying my best here.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1073

it hurts to still love someone when you know they will never love you back.

it hurts to know that i put my all into something and you only pushed me out the door.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1053

scratch the alaska think but i really do feel like i might of found someone. i've been holding back because i just see this being a fragile relationship so when it actually starts i want it to start off perfect.

but at the same time i'm slowing getting annoyed with all these people around me. i go out to smoke and whoever is out there makes me want to quit just so i don't need to be around them for ten minutes.

on top of all that my grandmother just passes. and i'm stuck here at school when all my family is back home. it doesn't feel real being so far away.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1047

i am reading the book looking for alaska. if you've read it you'll know what alaska is like. i'm only about half way through but right now i just really want to find my own alaska.

and i think i might have.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 1036

i don't really feel like i'm in a good place right now. i'm only thinking about that in passing. so no worries. but still. why do i let myself feel this way? it happens too often and i don't know how to run it off. it's like a tsunami. i know all it is is a wave but it's one hell of a huge wave. it doesn't pass in and come back like a current. it's more like an electrical surge that happens every single day. it's just shocks me and i go into this hole.

and people need to understand just because i'm smiling certainly doesn't mean i'm happy.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 951

now there is nothing. i feel like i know i'm conflicted so i make myself even more conflicted. like i'm not really as conflicted as i think i am.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 939

conflicted. well i don't know if that's the right word. i met this girl. and i'm really trying to make something out of it. but every time i think think things will pick up or plan to it just goes to shit in my head. somehow the girl from a while ago. the one i can't seem to forget. always comes back. i'm trying so hard to push the thoughts of her away. but i just can't.

when i was with her it just felt right. like it was suppose to happen. it wasn't forced. well at least not on my end.

but now i just feel like every thing is forced. i'm trying not to feel this way. but i can't help it. and it really sucks.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 866

sad time. sad couple of days. sad.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 775

there's just so much shit. i really don't know what im going to be doing a year from now. im going away to college soon. but then what. im dreading this experience. i don't know what i want to do for the rest of my life. i just feel like in the big picture it will all be wasted. all of my time wasted. waiting for something to cross my lap saying here's what the rest of your life will entail. enjoy. but what if i don't know. what if i feel like ill never know. it scares me to no end.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 757

goodbye.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 756

i just don't understand.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 750

i'm sorry.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 742

i know what you are to me. and it sucks not knowing what i am to you.

aaron lee

[depressionist]

day 738

thank you. for everything.

aaron lee