depressedtransbian

[depressedtransbian]

Well, it's been a minute, hasn't it? Time has certainly gone by since my last update. So, I'll fill y'all in on things:

-I started SW properly, posting stuff on Reddit. Have a decent-ish following on there, and I figure once I reach 500 followers or so I'll start a proper OF and see how that does.

-I broke up with Ellie (out-of-state partner). No matter what I did, or said, or tried, she would not seek any kind of help for her crippling depression and anxiety. My first wife went through a very similar thing, refusing to seek treatment even though I implored her to, and it took the threat of divorce to get her to a hospital where we discovered her kidneys had shut down completely. I wasn't about to go through that hell again. I can't. Call me what you will, but I can't.

-Moved. Beginning of January we got a notice from our landlord that our rent was going up by $100/mo, and that place was NOT worth that price. So we decided to move. In the process, we got rid of a lot of stuff we didn't need any longer, fixed the bedbug problem (or so we thought; they just popped back up in the last few days after a few months of living here), and managed to find a house to rent as opposed to an apartment, which is what we've been wanting.

-Started seeing a proper psychiatrist in an effort to regulate my meds and boost my mental health.

-Tried to start dating one of the people from our D&D table, who seemed really interested, who then suddenly turned cold right before our date and hasn't shown any romantic proclivities since.

-Got back into online dating, via HER, and found a REALLY cool person whom I'm meeting for coffee (and more than likely more than that) tomorrow evening. And bonus, they also really like Uni, and if things keep progressing like this we might just be in a triad sooner rather than later! Which is awesome!!!

-Had my 40th bday, and Uni got me a stuffie I've been wanting for a while, the Squishables Lich!!!

So yeah, the past few months have been HELLA busy. But things were still going great-ish. Ever since moving Hanna's been super tight about money, which is fine, and she's also been looking at changing jobs to a less stressful one, which is also fine (even though I think the job hunt is causing her more stress than her current job is).

But all that's what it is. I'm just trying to be the best mid-tittied Semi-goth girlfriend/housewife I can possibly be. Some days my energy levels are shit, some days I don't get anything done. But I still try, and that's what matters most.

Cheers, y'all. See y'all soon!

[depressedtransbian]

the idea to draw imogen and laudna as this still from céline sciamma’s portrait of a lady on fire (2019) came to me in a dream. might do more movie redraws with these two because digital painting is fun and rewarding!! even though drawing fabric takes so so long. I also included close-ups on some parts I’m proudest of.

if you’re interested in a digital commission feel free to dm me!! I also have a ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/thislifewasneverours

[depressedtransbian]

Realizing more and more, day by day, just how fucking ugly I am. I honestly don't even know why I continue trying. Nobody sees me as any kind of attractive, nobody sees me as worthy of dating or being sexual with. My NP is basically Ace at this point, my other partner is Ace and in a different state, and nobody wants me in a sexual sense AT ALL. At this point I doubt even getting full-on GRS will help. I'm built like a fucking linebacker, I can't afford electrolysis on a more regular basis so it's taking forever and I feel like I've barely had any progress in the past 6-7 months, and I honestly don't even try to get dressed up anymore. There's no fucking point to it.

Sorry, just in a bad place. I'll shut up now. ✌🏼

ETA: Just talked to my NP about everything and what's going through my head and got met by a diatribe making the entire thing, all of it, about her. 🙄 Guess I know where I fucking stand.

[depressedtransbian]

Fuck, I'd toss in $20 as well!

Dani Carr I will give you $20 to put a piece in Laura's 4SD tankard that just says "Laudna?"

[depressedtransbian]

Things I needed to see when I opened Tumblr tonight: THISSSSSSS

[depressedtransbian]

missing imogen/laudna hours meta

you know what's interesting about imogen and laudna where they sit in canon right now?

i think they're the ones who know the least about how they feel about each other.

and hear me out: you may be saying "no, there's no way that they don't know- they're the characters we're focusing on" but you see, i don't think that's true.

i think the other members of bell's hells have had separate experiences where they see how much imogen and laudna care about each other:

laudna, after breaking imogen's rock: sobbing her heart out to anyone who would listen, stressing about how to make it up to her, "let her step on me," how everything was about fixing her relationship with imogen, how it consumed so much of her thoughts that she was blindsided by yu's betrayal/romance

imogen, after laudna's death: inconsolable, devastated, in denial, isolated, lonely, withdrawn, "you know you saved my life, right?" "know that I love you," sundering delilah briarwood

but here's the thing: for both of these, the other girl didn't witness most of what the other was going through.

obviously laudna was dead.

and imogen, though she and laudna made up and talked about how preoccupied they were separately when they were fighting, there's a difference between talking about it and seeing it.

they both have been through hell for each other. laudna, killed by otohan- imogen's adversary.

imogen, killing delilah- laudna's adversary.

but it's so strange, because they're so intertwined in each other's lives but they're also so separated from each other, in such different headspaces?

i think, in the bell's hells minds, the two of them are far closer to some kind of revelation in their dynamic - romantic or otherwise- than they actually are.

but in practice- they're still stuck. on paper, they're moving forward. laudna conquering her trauma, imogen being pushed toward her destiny- but when they're together, there's this block in their friendship that is the other person.

they love and care so deeply that they forget to love themselves. laudna, brushing away her trauma of waking up in whitestone when imogen messages her mom. in some ways, holding herself back from healing because she wants to help imogen so badly.

imogen, pushing away her feelings about her mom (that situation is so fucking sad to me, by the way) because how could she be sad if laudna is alive but she should be sad.

not that they're toxic to each other. that's not what i'm saying. but i think they try so hard to make the other better that they forget to take care of themselves, and they're trying so hard for each other that i think it's going to come back and hurt them, one way or another.

my prediction: i think imogen is going to break first. i think there's so, so much that she hasn't processed yet and i think her mother's lack of contact has started a chain reaction that we're going to have to deal with, eventually.

i, for one, love the idea of laudna having an early-on healing arc. i don't think that's a disservice to her character at all, to have that as early as episode 40. her story doesn't end just because she's finally processed her delilah storyline.

she still has so much to learn about independence, self-confidence, and love. she has so much to receive from the world. i think it would be beautiful, actually, to have the yin-yang dynamic of one character rising from the ashes of her past while the other falls from grace, pulled down by the weight of her future.

i think that's a beautiful theme, for the two of them: the push and pull, of how to lift someone up while trying to do the same for yourself. i think in the end, that's what i love about them, and why, again, the romance will they, won't they isn't as important to me.

[depressedtransbian]

I have no idea if I'm doing tumblr right but everyone seems to love the CritRole stuff so here we gooooo

[depressedtransbian]

Laudna’s voice sounding like music to Imogen.

Imogen’s voice being like a breath to Laudna.

Imogen’s first words to her are “Laudna”.

Laudna’s first words back are “Imogen”.

I can’t…I can’t with these two, y’all. I said before that something felt different about these two than other ships I’ve had on this show, but that I couldn’t explain why they felt so different. But after this session I think a big part of why these two feel so unique is due to how much these two are bounded soulmates.

It’s the fact that since the beginning we’ve seen how much these two care for one another. That in literally every battle there is always a moment where these two are yelling the other’s name, making sure that they are still up. It’s the fact that in this place of shadow and death they still were able to find one another. No matter how hard others try to separate them, or even they themselves being the cause of that distance, they always end up coming back.

Bounded. Helplessly, lovingly, eternally. 

…and we’re only on episode 37. Fucking hell, y’all.

[depressedtransbian]

Ashton: Imogen doesn’t think straight when it comes to Laudna.

Chetney:

FCG:

Orym:

Ashton: Okay, let me rephrase that.

Fearne: No, no you’re right.

[depressedtransbian]

Felt like drawing some more

[depressedtransbian]

Orym comparing Imogen losing Laudna to him losing his husband cool cool cool cool cool

[depressedtransbian]

This aged INCREDIBLY well!!!! 🖤💜

Laura getting the hdywtdt on Delilah for the 3rd time would be great just like on a meta level but Imogen getting the hdywtdt is great bc she’ll have gone from thinking Delilah is some kind of god to kicking Delilah’s ass for her girlfriend Laudna

[depressedtransbian]

It’s 2 years post campaign 3. You tune into twitch dot tv slash critical role for the Imodna wedding one-shot. Laura Bailey shouts “Delilah Briarwood was a bitch,” for the second time during one of her D&D weddings. All is right with the world.

[depressedtransbian]

LAUDNAPUPPER IS ADORABLESSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Liam’s dog is dressed as Laudna and it’s the best thing

[depressedtransbian]

underneath the stars (i'll wait for you)

A sleepy conversation beneath the Sun Tree makes Imogen realize several things. That she loves Laudna is the least surprising revelation of all. (1.4k one-shot) Read on AO3

During dinner at the de Rolo castle is when it really hits Imogen, though she’s been noticing it since the moment Laudna opened her eyes again. It’s hard not to notice, after spending years together. How tired she is, how guarded. Every movement of her muscles is restraint and her eyes dart around, scanning for any danger from each corner. Laudna grabs at her belt and clutches Pâté in her bony hand and holds him tight. While her other hand holds a fork and mindlessly pushes some food around her plate, never taking a bite.

Imogen shudders a breath. Did they make the right call bringing her back? She wanted it to be her choice this time, and in her heart she hopes it was Laudna who chose to come back. And though she's sure that this is what Laudna wants too, seeing her so scared and guarded it becomes impossible not to have a few seeds of doubts.

But the alternative, a world without Laudna…

Imogen swallows down the lump in her throat. In hindsight, Orym calling upon the Tempest had been the right move. This resurrection was the acceptable road; the clean version that would make them honorable mercenaries for saving their friend. But if someone else had offered a hand, if she had to make a pact with a demon, or hell, if Delilah had taken that gnarlrock in exchange for Laudna’s life, Imogen wouldn’t have hesitated for a second. No cost is too great when it comes to Laudna, and she isn’t sure what kind of person that makes her. Maybe protective, but certainly not honorable, and definitely desperate.

Mister jumps in front of her plate and Imogen startles out of her thoughts. He’s swinging around a toy gun and runs crisscross on the table. It is absolute chaos around the dinner table, but Imogen fails to focus on any of it. Her eyes can’t leave Laudna. Afraid that if she looks away, engages with her friends just for a moment, Laudna would disappear again.

Laudna seems to notice, as her eye catches her. Those beautiful, big eyes of her. Usually so full of life, and now they look so scared instead.

“Quite the dinner, right?” Imogen tries for a smile.

When Laudna doesn’t immediately reply, she thinks she couldn’t hear her above the noise and wants to connect to her telepathically to ask again. But then she notices the frown on Laudna’s face, still pondering over the question, and she decides to wait.

Her nails rub on Pâté’s skull in a repetitive pattern and for a flash Imogen sees another Laudna, Matilda, the shadow form of a shy girl playing with her dolls, she has become acquainted with in the other realm.

Laudna’s lips part to say something, but then she holds back. She looks over to Imogen once more and nods her head slightly. Her eyes dart back to her lap, and Imogen’s heart sinks in her chest. She isn’t sure if it’ll ever be the same, but she does know that she has made a promise to Laudna. That whatever holes Delilah has left, she is going to be there to help fill it. Whatever it takes. Whatever Laudna is willing to accept, she will give. Always.

--

At Laudna’s request, they camp beneath to the Sun Tree for the night. It’s cold outside, but the warmth radiating from the tree reaches over them like a protective bubble, making it bearable to sleep out in the open.

Chetney and Ashton fall asleep within seconds, while Fearne and Orym are chatting softly like they usually do. It only becomes noticeable when Fearne’s giggle comes through every so often. And even though F.C.G. is a bit further away from her, Imogen knows they have their eyes on her, ready to jump into her dream in a moment’s notice.

But she knows she won’t find rest any time soon. Her mind is moving at the speed of lightning, refusing to slow down. She has a million questions and even more doubts. Hearing about Laudna’s memories over the years was one thing, but today she got to experience them. Nothing could have prepared her for that. No wonder Laudna was so skittish during dinner. On their travels she’s seen glimpses of this side of Laudna too, but never this bad. Memories start flushing back to her mind and even more questions surface.

When did you start calling yourself Laudna instead of Matilda? How awful was it, being thrown back into your most painful memories? Could you hear me during the resurrection ritual? Do you know if Delilah is still present? Are you truly happy you’re brought back, or did you want to have eternal peace instead? It’s okay, I understand either way. I'm sorry for bringing you back to Whitestone. It was the only option left. Will you forgive me for being so selfish, for needing you beside me?

She feels Laudna stir underneath her arm and Imogen holds her breath, afraid even the slightest exhale would wake her up. Laudna’s visage relaxes once more and a slight smile curls on Imogen’s lips. She’s missed this. Curled up together. Being close. Admiring her friend. Wishing her nothing but a blissful sleep with none of the pain and heartache she has been needing to endure for decades.

She remembers when she truly realized watching Laudna was her favorite sight. Just after they made up after their fight. After Yu. Still so fresh, hardly a week ago, and so much has happened since then. It’s hard to comprehend. It’s even harder to comprehend it has taken this long to fully grasp how deep her feelings run for Laudna. She has fallen in love with her best friend, and she’s afraid she’s still standing on the edge, leering over the unknown depths of how much deeper she can fall. And she will. Imogen knows she will take that leap and only fall deeper from here on out, and she knows it’s the last thing Laudna needs, and it wouldn’t even matter. Every day she is going to fall deeper and deeper and it will be the most wonderfully terrifying experience of her life.

Imogen breathes out the swirling thoughts and closes her eyes, trying to find some sleep through it all.

Will you ever be able to access that part of your brain? If not, is it still okay that I do? That I’m only beginning to realize how much I love you? Do you know it’s fine if you can’t love me the same way? That I wouldn’t mind either way? Because I don’t care how I can express it, as long as I’m allowed to love you. As long as we can be together for the rest of our lives. Is that okay? Would you mind?

“What’s keeping you up, darling?” Laudna’s mumbly voice penetrates her thoughts.

Her eyes shoot open and Imogen stares at Laudna, who still looks fast asleep. Though Imogen is sure it wasn't imagined, and suddenly gets worried she accidentally connected with her mentally without realizing. Then again, Imogen doubts she’d look so relaxed if she had. It’s just Laudna looking out for her, as always.

“A lot,” she admits, not daring to link mentally in case any of her thoughts spill over. It’s the last thing Laudna needs, and Imogen has made her peace with that. Though she doesn’t want to keep any secrets from her either. She hesitates for a moment and then adds quietly: “You, mostly.”

Laudna’s eyes flutter open at those words. “You want to talk about it?”

She shakes her head and tucks some hair behind Laudna’s ear. “Not tonight. You need your rest.”

“As do you.”

She shushes her, and it’s all it takes for Laudna’s eyes to droop again.

“Don’t worry about me, Laudna,” she whispers to her, and she feels Laudna curling into her, falling and falling and falling deeper. Deeper asleep. Imogen’s heart aches, feeling the weight of her love she will carry from now on. Maybe one day it’ll be too much and she’ll explode, but she can’t imagine that even being a bad thing, because she knows Laudna will be there to pick up the pieces.

Imogen plants a gentle kiss on Laudna’s temple and nestles inside the nape of her neck. The cold of Laudna’s body feels warm compared to yesterday, and Imogen sighs happily.

“It’s okay,” she mumbles before drifting off, “I can wait.”

[depressedtransbian]

Haven't posted in a while, been way too busy as of late... But OMGOTH LAUDNA'S BACK AND IMOGEN SAID OUT LOUD THAT SHE LOVES HER AND IMOGEN WENT IN FOR A KISS BUT SHE COULDN'T BECAUSE SHE'S A USELESS FUCKING LESBIAN (join the club, hon) AND AHHHHHH ALL THE FEELSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! 🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

idk about you all but this will haunt me

[depressedtransbian]

Well, things have been fairly quiet since my last posting. Might as well give y'all an update on a few things! Most are positive, so that's something!

First off, Shadow. Things have just slowly and surely broken down. Every time I've tried to talk to her about that weekend and what happened on my end so we can work it out and avoid stuff like that again, she goes "Okay!" and then goes NC for a number of days. So I'm dropping it. If she contacts me I'm just gonna stop answering. I'm tired of being ignored like my feelings don't fucking matter. C'est la vie.

Now on to the positive stuff!!!!

Well, the biggest news is that MY LEGAL NAME CHANGE WENT THROUGH AT LONG LAST!!!!!! And to top that off, I now have my letter from my gender transition specialist, stating that I am irrevocably a woman!!! Now all that's left is to hit the Social Security office and have them change my name and gender in official federal records, then go to the DMV and get my first ID as my true self! And all of that is happening in 2 days on Tuesday!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!

Next, I finally started writing again! Basically, I'd gotten in the habit of reading Trans-themed sex stories, and got real fucking tired real fucking quick of all the Trans women being these cis-passing chicks with ginormous tits and 9-inch monster dicks THAT ALWAYS HAVE TO TOP REGARDLESS. Nuh-uh. Fuck that noise. So I've decided to utilize my writing skills and create Trans porn stories with realistic characters and situations. Naturally, me being me, my stories are going to lean more towards romance and tension than the actual sex, but I plan on getting steamy AF as well! First story is app. 20-25% done already! Dunno where I'm gonna be posting them, but that's a problem for FUTURE me..... LOL.

Okee, gonna cut it off there. Cheers, y'all! Be good people!!! 🖤💜