depresoespresso2003-blog - Tumblr blog

depresoespresso2003-blog · 4 years

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My Story

Ever sense I was young I knew I was different, not like the other girls in my class. I would often catch myself looking at the other girls and think “she is so cute” I would brush it off telling myself that I wanted to be like them, I told myself lots of lies. Years later I’m in middle school and very self conscious about who I was and how I looked. I was scared to change in the locker room in fear they would call me out. I always felt like a weirdo, how I would look at the girls and feel an attraction to them. I always found myself ugly and the most unattractive creature to ever walk this earth. around that time boys started to notice me more, maybe it was a puberty thing or whatever but they would continuously ask me out and I never excepted any of the request. I didn’t want a relationship or a male relationship that is. I started to dress more like a boy to get myself out there I guess. I don’t know but I felt more comfortable dressing like a male and I even acted like one, I played male sports and after all that I was never asked out by a guy again. Instead female would start taking an interest in me, I was still in the closet and really frayed to come out, my family was really homophobic and often made homophobic slurs. I feered they would hurt me more or even disown me. So I let myself play a game where I was just a straight Tom boy, and that I had no interest in anyone. A few years go by and I meet this amazing girl that wanted to be my friend and I’ve never really had friends so after a long while I finally came out to her about being gay and liking Women. She then proceeds to tell me that she liked me since the very beginning more than friends I didn’t know how to take it then it scared me because I had feelings for her too nothing I’ve ever felt before it felt like she was the one the person I was waiting for. We then started dating but that didn’t last long said she didn’t feel right about it and it honestly broke my heart I felt horrible I cried so many nights. I never told her this and she still my best friend. I didn’t return to being my old self and my parents then decided to move us to a different state a different school different life. When I was your night and amazing girl that I really had feelings for. She had a boyfriend and it hurt but I was OK with being friends until she started opening up to me about her boyfriend abusing her mentally and sexually and I was not OK with it she deserves the best in life and I was willing to give her the best she was blind to what he was doing to her so I opened her eyes for her to help her see that she could do so much better and that she was with so much. Her boyfriend then started really hating me and physically abusing me in front of teachers and our class mates. This went on for about a month it was better for me to get abused than her. She soon found out which led them to breaking up and I was happy but that night she asked me out and of course I said yes I was so happy. Months go by we have fights lots of them but we still love each other. Nothing was standing in our way then but I soon started getting jealous. She started talking to other boys and I didn’t know how to handle it she told me that nothing was going to happen with them I was the only one for her I tried to believe her but my head kept telling me different things. I had a many panic attacks Because of it and she couldn’t see that it affected me that way. After four months of dating she decided to break it off it destroyed me I’ve never loved someone like I loved her. I wanted to die I started losing lots of weight everything just went down hill for me. I trusted her with everything, I guess I wasn’t enough for her. She broke my heart and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve had many people hurt me before but she really shattered my heart into pieces and I don’t think I can fix it this time. - Sincerely a depressed kid

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