deliriumandmelancholia

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Will you still love me

If I lose every touch with reality

When I can no longer tell

What is real from what is not

Will you hold me

As I fall apart and shatter on the floor

A million pieces of porcelain

And my beating heart

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I feel the promise of nothing changing like four steel walls reaching higher than my eyes can see. Tentative tendrils of hope are tenderly climbing their lengths, precarious in the unsafe hollow of despair, hope hangs on for dear life. I cannot do this alone. Am I alone? The guilt and shame of feeling such is eating me up from inside; I cannot help my loneliness yet I know I am not alone; I cannot reach those who are reaching out their hands to me. I dare not ask for what I know I can never have, so I am alone in this. The baseless hope that if I do not ask, if I do not beg for what I cannot have, I will be safe from feeling rejected is rooted in my brain to no avail. Rejection stabs at me, it pulsates through my heart like a thick tar. I do not know for how long this can be sustained, and I am feeling thread-worn and battered. External hope has died long ago, or perhaps it is merely sleeping. It flickers and stirs within me when despair rears its bloodied head; has Hope flown south for the winter? I dare not dream of a life I may never have, yet if I don’t there is nothing keeping me alive; how will I learn the balance? Is it even possible to find a way to make sense of it all? Cursed into loneliness by birth, I protest against it being my only legacy. Is it to no avail? I dearly hope not. There it is again, hope, lingering, flickering, reminding me it’s still alive and has not left me to the cold, unfeeling steel of my existential prison. How much longer can I withstand this solitude? I feel my spirit slowly dying, and I cannot find the remedy.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I feel empty and dead inside

So why does it hurt so much?

In life there is pain

In death there should be nothingness

I must not be dead

Why is it so hard to breathe?

Why does my throat close up and ache?

My heart feels as heavy as a thousand rocks

Is it my time to carry the sadness of the world

So others may find some rest?

[deliriumandmelancholia]

[deliriumandmelancholia]

no, i will not move on. in fact, i will dwell on it. i will build a small emotional house and live here forever, thinking about it daily and sobbing.

hope this clears things up.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I always want more

Than they meant to give

I never wanted to hurt anyone

But does intention really matter?

When a hurt is so deep

It could drown ten sailors in ten seconds flat

Who am I to want love?

Why do I need more

Why am I born to be alone

Yet cursed to need company?

I fall asleep unheld each night

It’s just my life

Day upon lonely day

I never felt I do belong

But with her I find my home

I hope tomorrow finally comes

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I feel like my heart and brain are folding in on themselves and no one who can is willing to do anything to help me so I end up reaching out to those who can do nothing but give condolences and I feel like I might just throw up if I hear that word again. Don’t be sorry for me just help me please oh god I can’t stay here. I can’t live alone I can’t be alone I am so alone I have nobody not really. I can’t worry my mum with this and can’t tell anyone else because no one else in my immediate surroundings can understand and I am so scared of being locked up if I tell the wrong person the wrong thing please I just want love and companionship I can’t be alone anymore 😭

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Scared of being too much

Scared I’m telling people too much

Scared I’m not telling people enough

Scared I’m telling people the wrong things

Scared of losing everyone

Scared I’m pushing people away in my attempts to keep them liking me and then I withdraw

Scared they don’t like me for me

Scared they lie about accepting me for who I am

Scared

Anxious

Lonely

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I’m working on an embroidered cover for a book and I’m stuck on what to embroider for the title, help me out by voting and sharing this poll with everyone 🥺 I’m in no state to make my own decisions 👀

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I’m not even human I am

A shell with all the pain and

Rejection stuffed inside

There is no Lo there is only

A growing shadow

Poisoning everything it touches within

And the venom is spilling out

There is no growth

There is no light

There is only

Scorched engine oil

In the tar pit people call

My soul

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Heart as heavy as the rain

Nothing matters yet everything hurts

Everything matters now

I’m going insane trying to make it make sense

Nowhere to go nowhere to run

I’m caught in a whorl of sadistic games

I forgot the safeword

Life is fucking me hard and I’m bleeding out

Please make it stop god why is it so hard

to find a way

I’m forgetting how to breathe now

I’m getting dizzy falling down now

I’m going insane now

Going

Going

I wish I was gone

[deliriumandmelancholia]

My life feels like a sapling

Trapped inside a jar

There is no room for my roots to grow

No soil to plant them in

I’m being ripped from jar

To jar

Each time hoping

This time

My roots can grow

In their forever soil

[deliriumandmelancholia]

“You’ve got me pinned to the wall and labelled as yours until the day I die.”

- Virginia Andrews, Petals on the Wind, 1980

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I don't think I can just Fingerguns my way out of this one, but goddamnit, I am going to try.

--Bisexual Proverb

[deliriumandmelancholia]

It’s never really brutal, it seems so gentle

This gradual but sudden

Return to reality

It hits like a brick and a gentle rain

All the same

It sends me into

An emotional free fall

Waving my arms and kicking my legs

Through the sharp air

I forgot how to breathe

I can never catch myself

I can’t swim and the waves keep hitting

I’m sinking fast into this

Massive sea of pain

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I wrote this on April 16th, one week ago today. I was too ashamed and scared to share it then but I feel brave right now. Long distance is fucking hard yo. Loving her is so very easy though.

The fact that my ability to picture things inside my mind is completely random and usually tied to painful things, is frankly cruel and evil. I can perfectly picture the area upstairs in Gatwick airport, right outside the security control entrance. Just a stone’s throw away from NERO coffee shop. The pillar by which I sank to the floor and fell completely apart. The floor. The buzzing around me. The absolute horror of it all. I am still there. I am still there. I am still there. The windows at Arlanda airport looking out over the landing strips and parking lots. The counter at which I sat, waiting. Waiting to take the first train in the morning to go home. The jingling and heavy-footed sounds of the security guards threateningly walking towards me. The absolute feeling that I am not Allowed to Exist while in pain and grief. I can see the train we were on going to Gatwick as each stop brought me one step closer to emotional death. What it all looked like around me as I lost my ability to hold it together little by little until I was an inconsolable wreck.

I am not doing it again. Next time I leave, I am not leaving alone. I was almost not able to physically make myself do it this time, and I feel like I am still there. I am shaking and my heart is caught in my throat and my vision is blurry. I don’t know if it will become permanent trauma but this feels like a PTSD flashback and is indistinguishable to me. I hope it doesn’t stick, but I am not doing it again. I can’t do it again, physically as well as emotionally.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

just a reminder to COMPLETELY boycott Eurovision this year; Azerbaijan and Israel, despite committing genocide, are STILL allowed to compete & have NOT been banned. by refusing to ban both countries, Eurovision is profiting off of the genocide of Palestinians and Armenians.

do not listen to the artists. do not pirate or stream the artists' music, and this applies to ALL the artists who are competing and performing this year. do not listen to the songs on ANY platform, do not give them ANY attention.

write to your broadcasters and tell them you REFUSE to watch the channels until they recognise the Armenian and Palestinian genocides & that you find it disgusting how they are allowing Eurovision despite Azerbaijan and Israel's entries.

do NOT give eurovision OR the competing artists ANYTHING but silence.

boycott ALL of eurovision.