Tomi AndersonThey/them (mine/yours/hers)33 years oldFreestyle poetry and thinking out loudTERFs and transmeds fuck off
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no, i will not move on. in fact, i will dwell on it. i will build a small emotional house and live here forever, thinking about it daily and sobbing.
hope this clears things up.
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I always want more
Than they meant to give
I never wanted to hurt anyone
But does intention really matter?
When a hurt is so deep
It could drown ten sailors in ten seconds flat
Who am I to want love?
Why do I need more
Why am I born to be alone
Yet cursed to need company?
I fall asleep unheld each night
It’s just my life
Day upon lonely day
I never felt I do belong
But with her I find my home
I hope tomorrow finally comes
#delirium and melancholia#poetry#freestyle poem#freestyle poetry#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd poetry
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I feel like my heart and brain are folding in on themselves and no one who can is willing to do anything to help me so I end up reaching out to those who can do nothing but give condolences and I feel like I might just throw up if I hear that word again. Don’t be sorry for me just help me please oh god I can’t stay here. I can’t live alone I can’t be alone I am so alone I have nobody not really. I can’t worry my mum with this and can’t tell anyone else because no one else in my immediate surroundings can understand and I am so scared of being locked up if I tell the wrong person the wrong thing please I just want love and companionship I can’t be alone anymore 😭
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Scared of being too much
Scared I’m telling people too much
Scared I’m not telling people enough
Scared I’m telling people the wrong things
Scared of losing everyone
Scared I’m pushing people away in my attempts to keep them liking me and then I withdraw
Scared they don’t like me for me
Scared they lie about accepting me for who I am
Scared
Anxious
Lonely
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I’m working on an embroidered cover for a book and I’m stuck on what to embroider for the title, help me out by voting and sharing this poll with everyone 🥺 I’m in no state to make my own decisions 👀
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I’m not even human I am
A shell with all the pain and
Rejection stuffed inside
There is no Lo there is only
A growing shadow
Poisoning everything it touches within
And the venom is spilling out
There is no growth
There is no light
There is only
Scorched engine oil
In the tar pit people call
My soul
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Heart as heavy as the rain
Nothing matters yet everything hurts
Everything matters now
I’m going insane trying to make it make sense
Nowhere to go nowhere to run
I’m caught in a whorl of sadistic games
I forgot the safeword
Life is fucking me hard and I’m bleeding out
Please make it stop god why is it so hard
to find a way
I’m forgetting how to breathe now
I’m getting dizzy falling down now
I’m going insane now
Going
Going
I wish I was gone
#delirium and melancholia#poetry#freestyle poem#freestyle poetry#dark poetry#bpd#borderline personality disorder#nsft#tw sex mention#cw sex mention#bpd poetry#mental illness
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My life feels like a sapling
Trapped inside a jar
There is no room for my roots to grow
No soil to plant them in
I’m being ripped from jar
To jar
Each time hoping
This time
My roots can grow
In their forever soil
#delirium and melancholia#poetry#freestyle poem#freestyle poetry#unedited poem#always traveling never planting roots#and where I live there’s only the chance of rot
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“You’ve got me pinned to the wall and labelled as yours until the day I die.”
- Virginia Andrews, Petals on the Wind, 1980
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I don't think I can just Fingerguns my way out of this one, but goddamnit, I am going to try.
--Bisexual Proverb
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It’s never really brutal, it seems so gentle
This gradual but sudden
Return to reality
It hits like a brick and a gentle rain
All the same
It sends me into
An emotional free fall
Waving my arms and kicking my legs
Through the sharp air
I forgot how to breathe
I can never catch myself
I can’t swim and the waves keep hitting
I’m sinking fast into this
Massive sea of pain
#delirium and melancholia#poetry#freestyle poem#freestyle poetry#dark poetry#mental illness#bpd#borderline personality disorder#bpd poetry#maladaptive daydreaming#sudden reality
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I wrote this on April 16th, one week ago today. I was too ashamed and scared to share it then but I feel brave right now. Long distance is fucking hard yo. Loving her is so very easy though.
The fact that my ability to picture things inside my mind is completely random and usually tied to painful things, is frankly cruel and evil. I can perfectly picture the area upstairs in Gatwick airport, right outside the security control entrance. Just a stone’s throw away from NERO coffee shop. The pillar by which I sank to the floor and fell completely apart. The floor. The buzzing around me. The absolute horror of it all. I am still there. I am still there. I am still there. The windows at Arlanda airport looking out over the landing strips and parking lots. The counter at which I sat, waiting. Waiting to take the first train in the morning to go home. The jingling and heavy-footed sounds of the security guards threateningly walking towards me. The absolute feeling that I am not Allowed to Exist while in pain and grief. I can see the train we were on going to Gatwick as each stop brought me one step closer to emotional death. What it all looked like around me as I lost my ability to hold it together little by little until I was an inconsolable wreck.
I am not doing it again. Next time I leave, I am not leaving alone. I was almost not able to physically make myself do it this time, and I feel like I am still there. I am shaking and my heart is caught in my throat and my vision is blurry. I don’t know if it will become permanent trauma but this feels like a PTSD flashback and is indistinguishable to me. I hope it doesn’t stick, but I am not doing it again. I can’t do it again, physically as well as emotionally.
#delirium and melancholia#bpd#ptsd#long distance relationship#airports make me sick i wish i never had to step foot in one to leave ever again
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just a reminder to COMPLETELY boycott Eurovision this year; Azerbaijan and Israel, despite committing genocide, are STILL allowed to compete & have NOT been banned. by refusing to ban both countries, Eurovision is profiting off of the genocide of Palestinians and Armenians.
do not listen to the artists. do not pirate or stream the artists' music, and this applies to ALL the artists who are competing and performing this year. do not listen to the songs on ANY platform, do not give them ANY attention.
write to your broadcasters and tell them you REFUSE to watch the channels until they recognise the Armenian and Palestinian genocides & that you find it disgusting how they are allowing Eurovision despite Azerbaijan and Israel's entries.
do NOT give eurovision OR the competing artists ANYTHING but silence.
boycott ALL of eurovision.
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I want my life back, I want my lost youth, I want a chance not to lose so much of it to chronic illness and mental illnesses 😭
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"why do I feel so terrible?"
-person who forgot to take their not-feeling-terrible medication
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Torn between making two posts:
“*sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows stops playing*
*tears the yellow ribbon out of my hair*
I used to be so good at waiting but I can’t wait much longer now-“
And
“*perfect day by roxette stops playing*
*pulls my socks up and straightens the yellow ribbon in my hair*
I’m good at waiting dammit I can wait some more!”
Once again there is no in between in my life. I got my period today so right now I’m feeling relatively good as the PMDD is silent for a while again. I’m just. I’m not sure I can do this but the only real alternative is death RIP.
#from my main blog#lesley gore#sunshine lollipops and rainbows#perfect day#roxette#bpd mood#bpd love
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My town looks like a toy box
The buildings are too small
The roads seem fake and the people made of wood
I am not sure how this came to be
The only thing that’s real
In this quaint place of make believe
And faded memories
My need to get out
And the ocean breathes life
Into me again;
Isolation
When I go back inside
Destined to die
In a box filled with toys
#delirium and melancholia#poetry#freestyle poem#freestyle poetry#death to my hometown#my hometown#outgrowing places#stuck here forever#trapped
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