delicatesoundofrocks

[delicatesoundofrocks]

don't say this house is haunted this house is haunted like hell on earth for me don't say it's not what you wanted the tears come flooding like holy water seas

[delicatesoundofrocks]

HEY BTW i'm seeing alcest live in denver next march... wouldnt it be sooooooo poetic if they played this then

oughhh

i think im going to be repeating the last 3 lines of this song to myself for the rest of time..... july *IS* coming back to warm up our hearts and i *AM* feeling so light.... alcest i owe you my life

thinking about how the surgery i had last year that gave me so much enthusiasm for life was just a few days before july began

thinking about the first time i heard this song post-op and how it felt like a prayer, a promise that i was going to dig myself out of the pit i'd been living in for so long

thinking about all the times i listened to it on the way to and from pharmacy school and how it still felt like a promise time and time again

thinking about how, whenever i imagine hearing this song live i want to cry in relief, like "oh god, we really made it huh"

[delicatesoundofrocks]

oughhh

i think im going to be repeating the last 3 lines of this song to myself for the rest of time..... july *IS* coming back to warm up our hearts and i *AM* feeling so light.... alcest i owe you my life

thinking about how the surgery i had last year that gave me so much enthusiasm for life was just a few days before july began

thinking about the first time i heard this song post-op and how it felt like a prayer, a promise that i was going to dig myself out of the pit i'd been living in for so long

thinking about all the times i listened to it on the way to and from pharmacy school and how it still felt like a promise time and time again

thinking about how, whenever i imagine hearing this song live i want to cry in relief, like "oh god, we really made it huh"

[delicatesoundofrocks]

did you know they say calculus is the language of God. did you know they tried to hold math up to infinity like a candle to the void. did you know statisticians plunged into the vastness of random chance and picked out patterns and equations and eight hundred ways to tell you how big your inevitable errors are and how far off those guesses at errors might be. math haters I can't sit with you anymore. human innovation is cradled in these ancient, methodical, desperate attempts at understanding what we are not designed to understand

[delicatesoundofrocks]

it's not right, it's not right how am i the only one who sees us fight? what are we, who are they? who says those bastards don't deserve to pay?

[delicatesoundofrocks]

MATHS IS SUPER FUCKING QUEER FUCK THE WHOLE "IM GAY I CANT DO MATHS" BULLSHIT

[delicatesoundofrocks]

‘Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’

“Eulogy from a Physicist” by Aaron Freeman, with quotes from Interstellar by Christopher Nolan, and images from NASA, Interstellar, Getty, Petrichara, and Reuters.

1- NASA: GOODS-South.

2- NASA: NGC 1850.

3- NASA: Iberian Peninsula.

4- Christopher Nolan: Interstellar.

5- NASA: From the Earth to the Moon.

6- Hannah La Folette Ryan: Subway Hands.

7- Adams Evans: Heart Nebula.

8- NASA: Exploring the Antennae.

9- NASA: Crescent Moon from the International Space Station.

10- Petrichara.

11- Getty Images.

12- NASA: SMACS 0723.

13- Reuters

[delicatesoundofrocks]

alcest brainworms 4 life baybee

i've been on a major dopamine cocktail for the past four months that i think is largely due to the combination of going batshit over alcest albums and getting gender-affirming surgery and its been fucking AMAZING so far

and the pessimistic side of me wants to say it's mania; but firstly, the pessimistic side of me feels totally dead, and secondly, i think that after being so deeply depressed for so long, longer than any other constant in my life, ANYTHING good would feel like mania. so i don't think it's mania either. :)

[delicatesoundofrocks]

juillet s'en vient notre cœur dégèle je me sens si léger

[delicatesoundofrocks]

sometime back in 2019, i had a rough night and self-harmed for the first time in several years. when i was done with it i took the safety pin i used and pinned it deep in the pocket of my sweatpants, thinking to myself that i would take it out when i was ready to be okay again.

that safety pin stayed in my pocket for the next four years, occasionally coming out to relapse again but always being re-pinned in that same pocket. when i started having chronic illness flareups it started coming out more frequently, and i often thought to myself that i'd never get rid of that fucking safety pin; that i'd never be ready to be okay again.

when i went in for surgery a few weeks ago i wore those same sweatpants, and i had to frantically undo that safety pin from my pocket lest someone see it and find out what it was i'd been hiding all this time.

digging through my bag the other day, i found it again. i put it in my sewing box, not wanting to ruin the newer pair of sweatpants i was wearing at the time. it's been a long time coming but i think i'm ready now.

[delicatesoundofrocks]

i'm at the point in my adulthood where i actually want to go back in time and hype up my younger self so much like HOLY SHIT BRO WE DID IT!!! WE MADE IT!!!!!! IT GOT BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck i didn't know i had it in me to be this happy

[delicatesoundofrocks]

i want to preface this with a disclaimer that i'm in a perfectly safe place mentally at the moment and this is just me musing on things but with that said -

so i've been thinking a lot about my sixteen-year-old self lately. it was ten years ago now and despite my best efforts i think it still remains the lowest point of my life. and i had a thought awhile back that if sixteen-year-old me had known that a decade later they'd be significantly more mentally ill, they would've made a more devoted effort to off themselves back then and there. and that thought has weighed on me ever since but i'm starting to realize two things -

one, while yes, i *am* more mentally ill than i was then (and physically too!! woohoo), i'm also much happier overall at the same time. the lows are lower but the highs are also higher and i think i can find a sense of peace in that.

two, in spite of everything, i'm realizing now that i'm glad i didn't know. i would've missed a lot.

[delicatesoundofrocks]

how do you just get up and deal with the fact that there’s a last time for everything. there was a last time you sat on your dads shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there’s going to be a last time you hug your best friend. there’s going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there’s going to be a last time that person says i love you. i need to lay down

[delicatesoundofrocks]

and it's over, and i'm going under but i'm not giving up, i'm just giving in

[delicatesoundofrocks]

last night i thought of something i could have been to you and for the first time, i didn’t regret it and for the first time, i didn’t wish i regretted it and for the first time, i felt at peace.

[delicatesoundofrocks]

actually nevermind post cancelled i just saw a bowling alley animation of j.esus christ being held up on a cross by bowling pins, will to live restored

something i hate about mental illness is that it’s never kind enough to kill you itself; you have to do that part on your own or continue suffering

[delicatesoundofrocks]

something i hate about mental illness is that it’s never kind enough to kill you itself; you have to do that part on your own or continue suffering