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deliberatejoke · 5 years ago

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Logically (Jiutou Zhiji Jing)

This is a High Rollers drabble about Jiutou that I found myself writing because even though I'm nearly halfway through the series, I'm still not over Episode 6.

Also on AO3

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Jiutou liked to consider that she was good at keeping her emotions far away from her decisions. In general, she liked to think that she was good at feeling nothing - it helped her deal with whatever she was thinking about and see it through a logical perspective instead of through an emotional one. It helped her cope with the fact that her path in life was bound to be a lonely one, where she could very likely die trying.

She'd come to terms with her own death a long time ago, and she didn't expect that to change any time soon, even with the arrival of her three unusual travelling companions.

She had tried so hard to keep her emotions away from any sort of conversation with them, but somewhere in her brain, something was childishly stomping its foot instead of locking out all feelings. It brought back waves of anger she had long since forgotten and made her remember that she was, in fact, a person meant to be ruled by emotions.

She did not like that notion in the slightest. She liked logic and order. She liked rules and deals, so that she did not have to consider things, for even though she fooled herself into believing that her revenge for her parents was a purely logical eye-for-an-eye situation, deep inside she knew that it was only to hold back her fear of growing up without people to guide her and her anger at being forced into such a situation in the first place. For all that she fooled herself into believing that her teachings and meditations would work, she knew that it was futile, but she refused to face that truth.

The truth, that simply was that she was scared. Scared of proceeding on what many would consider a suicidal mission to kill the Champion of Talis'Val, scared of forming bonds for fear of losing them again, scared of learning to relax when relaxation was what lead to her parents' death, scared of letting other people in to see the skeletons in her closet, to strip her bare and judge her. And she hated being scared, with a passion deep inside her chest.

That was why she tried harder, meditated more often, learned to tune out when she was overwhelmed by anything new, and forced herself to think things through logically, before doing something she would regret. She could feel herself, each day, spoiling for a fight, itching to twist her guandao and feel it cut through the air.

That being said, Jiutou liked to think that recently, she'd found herself a place inside her where she could retreat into to think, to plan, to escape the way her mind rushed to take in everything that happened. She liked to think that she was getting better at keeping that indignant leak of emotion under control.

She liked to think that, but she knew that it was a flimsy, fragile defense at best, one that could break at the slightest flicker of something. She just didn't know what it was.

Until she did.

She'd seen the magic a second before it had taken hold. A dark, writhing mass inside a tiny black hole that popped a fraction of a second after appearing, taking her with it. She could feel herself lurch from one reality to another, younger and in a place that was hauntingly familiar, yet twisted in a way that was forgotten as soon as she realised what was going on.

The first thing she realised was that she was a child again, her hands holding none of their scars and an outfit that wasn't her robes covering her body. The second thing she realised was that her parents were lying just a few feet in front of her, faces turned away from her, but tangible and in front of her and real, and-

Dying.

A jolt of fear, absolute terror crashed through all of the barricades she had forged since she had escaped Bresseras, and a river of rage, desperation and grief flooded through her mind, unlike the stream she was used to. Her parents were real and in front of her, but they weren't going to be anymore, and she wouldn't ever have the chance to help them, because she was too small and weak to do anything. The revelation was crushing, creating a hole in her chest that made it almost impossible to breath as she watched.

She staggered forward, nearly tripping over in her haste and sobbing her mother's name over and over, even as the head never turned towards her and the body remained cold under her desperate touch.

She wished, how she wished, that this wasn't real. She searched, her eyes darting frantically, from her parents, to the scenery around her, to the three dragonborns marching towards her with equally leering grins on their faces as they advanced towards her, back to her parents.

Wait- there weren't three dragonborns attacking, there was only one.

She saw red, giving in to all the feelings she had bottled since she was a child and felt the illusion begin to shatter, little by little.

How dare that woman use her past to make her break!

A loud pop brought her back to reality, and she was surrounded by the prison walls, screaming and desperate to kill the person who had unearthed everything she had fought so hard to keep out of her mind. Never before had she felt such a strong hatred, not since Korak. She wanted her dead.

Then, in a blur that was all too quick for her to take in, the woman in front of them was defeated and she had nothing to do but keep screaming, until her voice went hoarse and she finally managed to throw up her walls once more.

Never before had her past been thrust into her face so indelicately. Never before had she been forced to face it in such a way. Never before had anyone cut straight through her core and made her cool demeanor stumble and fall. Never before had she scared herself, but then again, she had never cracked under pressure either.

Thinking about it logically, Jiutou could see how she set herself up to die, when she stormed off, slashing at anything in her way and leaving a trail of destructive rage. She needed to do something with what she was feeling, but no matter what, it was fruitless. Walking away hadn't helped, destroying things hadn't helped, she didn't know what else could possibly allow her to cope with the familiar yet alien feeling decorating her chest.

So she screamed again. She screamed and she screamed, raw and heartbroken and anguished, until she had exhausted her voice, her tears and her energy and finally allowed herself to simply meditate, and think. To attempt to find her logic in a tangled mess of emotions.

And eventually, she found her logic. She tried to reason with herself, to tell herself that whoever it was in that jail, she couldn't have possibly seen that memory, it was all the magic. Even though it was weak reasoning, giving herself something rational to grasp at was her key for calming down.

A peace settled through her as her chaos gave way to order and her emotions gave way to control.

But even though she was calm again, it didn't mean that her logic could save her from an unexpected magic. Especially when she hadn't accounted for the existence of magic in such a place.

It was only logical to feel her life fade away after a display of immature arrogance, but it still sent a shock into her system as the final thing she saw was a purple wolf and her vision faded away.

After all, she'd come to terms with her death. It just wasn't supposed in that way.

#High rollers #Lightfall #Jiutou Zhiji Jing #Elora Galanodel #High rollers dnd #Dnd #Please let her be happy #Jiutou

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