dehya-selei

[dehya-selei]

japanese bubble pop

learning mandarin. somehow i get the word "chinese" and "american" mixed up. american means beautiful country.

[dehya-selei]

that was the missing piece that made me not fully embody the Christian mentality - that it isn't until one is truly aware of their depravity, their inherent tendency to do the wrong thing and desperate need of God, that we live out our lives in repentance.

but do you know who else made me live that way for the formative years of my life?

my mom.

my mom, a grandiose narc that constantly made me feel like i was dong something wrong even when it contradicted reality because she was always 100% convinced in the narrative she created in her head that day about me or others.

that's why, it's hard. it's hard to adapt this notion that from the moment my mom pushed my out of the birth canal, i was branded a depraved and inherently bad sinner.

to work on my depression and anxiety to work so hard to get to the point where i can try to lift my head up about myself in some ways, but no. Christianity reminds you that you are bad, and are in need of saving, which because of the work of someone else, you were made good. but you must always remember your tendency to be bad or you will be bad. but you must always be working towards good because you were meant for good until you made yourself bad.

you know who else tried to convince me of a similar thought patten to have for myself?

my vulnerable narcissist ex.

the mental gymnastics, those neural pathways and tunnels they make you go down is similar. i'm not saying they are the same, but these have been making it so damn hard for me.

i just, feel like at times this shit is too damn complicated. inherited sin, God killing his own beloved son to save like our species which He tried to completely blot out at one point. Like it all started with an apple. an apple that a serpent tricked some woman into eating while some man just sat there and let happened. And so there is this whole situation with needing God's son to die because God is so holy that we can't have a relationship with God unless something or someone atones for our sin. and so Jesus comes in and does that all for us. So like it is impossible for us to not sin, but we must try not to sin. you know, at this point, why even try to live. we don't we just like sit in a room all day and not desire anything or aspire to do anything - except God. anyways this all started with an apple. so all of humanity got doomed because of that apple. and so God blotted out nearly all of us on this earth because we were so evil, but loved us just enough to kept Noah alive. and so our sinful nature persists because we inherited sin and it trickles down from one offspring to the next.

you know at this point, i think God should have just blotted us all out from the getgo like what is even the point in living a life where you constantly need to like contradict your body's natural needs and desires, and like are not suppose to even desire anything in the first place.

[dehya-selei]

i guess if you don't question it, you don't truly believe either.

i have been struggling with my faith lately. what is trust?

what relationship can you have without trust?

and then, there are times when i feel christianity at times, or rather the christian community are really not interested in you in so much as they are interested in brainwashing you, into doing all these mental gymnastics to forego your natural way of thinking.

in a sense it is sin to go our own way.

it is sin to want things, other than God. but God gives good things, so it's okay to want things only if you prioritize God. so control your desire.

your sense of fulfillment and sense of love should come from God. God should be enough.

if i sit there in a room, and stop trying to live in worldy wants and desires, would it fix me?

it's just, i can see how it works for some people.

but i'm not sure if it's working for me.

at times, i feel like christians just don't get it. well, most people don't. but especially christians. conversations always end up becoming something like, we need to pray, we need to rely on God's love and not man's imperfect love to make us whole, or we need to repent of our sins - of choosing other things over God.

why is it that every time we struggle with something, it becomes about us doing something bad, that we have transgressed against God?

and then when you think about it, back to Genesis. From the getgo, we are blamed and condemned for a sin we did not directly commit. and this is all okay because look at Jesus who also took the blame for something he did not commit and He did it for us sinful people and therefore we have been saved from ourselves.

and yet, we must always remind ourselves of our inherent sinfulness and tendency to go our own way. but wait - we should not focus on that, because we were made good. and oh wait - we should not think too good of ourselves, because it might make us prideful and forget our need of God, so yes we should be aware of our badness and take on a repentive attitude always.

idk man, i'm still trying to figure this out.

and there is some creeping feeling lately, when christians interact with me, do they really treat me like a human being? like, everything should be about God in the end, it's our job to glorify God. We should ignore our wants/needs/desire, but oh wait - God provides us with everything that we want/need/desire. So that's why we don't need to desire anything.

so essentially, what does it mean for me personally ultimately because i can see people giving up their lives for God, wholeheartedly and devotedly living their lives to serve and please God which is essentially spreading the gospel to convert more people into God-serving devotees.

but what if the idea of that, just does not seem to spark joy?

i can already see what life we are called to live as a christian, but at the same time, doesn't God also work with us as individuals?

maybe for one person it is instantaneous. For another person, they go their whole life noodling around and at the end accept Jesus and is saved like that convict on the cross that died before Jesus.

but just let me say though,

it is exhausting keeping up with other christians.

maybe i will be proved wrong.

[dehya-selei]

trying to undo the effects of depression - it all starts with the brain.

i have been intentionally working to try and fill my mind with other things. depression causes a weakened prefrontal cortex. brain fog - slowed decision making - lowered brain function/activity.

even when i was not having a depressive episode, years and years of depression does also have lasting effects on brain development that affects the way you think, how you think, what you think about, and even, wether or not you can think about certain things.

i kept wondering, why isn't my brain full of activity, like it should be? a lot of times i find myself going about my day, and left with literally nothing going on in my brain. i didn't always used to be this way. surely, surely, not everybody's brain work this way. i just know, that there are people out there that must have a brain full of thoughts and ideas running a marathon a minute.

i knew something wasn't quite as it should be, if i wanted to curtail this boredom.

how do you fix an inactive mind?

an inactive mind will focus and tunnel vision on certain things that are not even that important or beneficial to your overall well-being or do much to improve you life at all.

lately with high quality coffee beans and intention, i think perhaps something is working.

what do i think about now?

coffee beans, how high quality coffee beans can produce such wonderful protective qualities for your cells, and can boost brain activity/focus and provide antioxidants and anti-inflammatory effects for your body. also the detrimental effects of low quality coffee like poorly stored ground coffee which may contain mycotoxins. there were many times in the past i drank ground coffee and felt like it produced depressive effects while speciality coffee gave me the mental boost i needed.

lily and me are reading a book that is a collection of stories from various demographics centered around china that touches aspects of socialism while showcasing the lives of the people living under totalitarian regime. i thought about the different ways in which people are similar searching for meaning to their lives in all types of circumstances with different motivations, but towards the same goal in the end. and it's interesting seeing how you can experience such out of the world scenes from china in the everyday lives of people, you don't really get to see in the western society.

i think about my upcoming trip to japan. lily gave me tips about how to optimize things for maximum enjoyment. "you got to enjoy life to the fullest!" i was looking up hotels and researching subway stations. i am intrigued with human ingenuity and excited to visit a city with really good public transportation - how different it would be to go from a commuting city experience to a place where you don't need a car in order to function on the day to day. but it's funny how it's all the little things about japan that seem exciting. japan tries to preserve everything, and the buildings/architecture will feel nostalgic. the idea that you can get good food at a convenience seems really cool. and how i would be surrounded by interesting things to look at. i'm just thinking about the whole experience from the place i'm staying near a river, to how i'm going to go from point a to point b, and then how i'm going to compare each city and see how i get to experience a different vibe maybe just a bus ride away.

also been pondering about the influence of starwars had on popularizing science fiction into mainstream media. even when i started watching star wars for the first time a couple months ago, some aspects of the shows felt very nostalgic. there were games i used to play that resembled a lot of the architecture in star wars. a lot of my passions and interest as a kid were shoved into a repressive space, and so trying to make these connections to things i used to see or experience with my senses is a fun way to engage my brain.

[dehya-selei]

there are times where i still think about him.

there are times i wish i could stop. there are times when i can almost picture him. and then i feel relieved he is not there. i tell myself over and over again, under my breath, i am safe now. i'm glad he's gone. thank goodness he is no longer here to fuck with my mind.

and then, there is some restlessness. a lingering thought.

i imagine myself looking at him, with his photo in front of me. is it still comfort i seek from you? is it closure? is it because of the way you just left like that, as if... you always left me confused, left me wondering. and that's how you leave.

there is is, with his perfect skin, perfect beard, perfect suit. a little boy in a man's body. a fragile soul, looking straight at me. and i can see just a frightened little boy. a kind of emptiness in the eyes, but if you look deeper, there is pain.

why did you abandon me? why couldn't you love me? i am crying.

but i look back at him and i envision him also crying. telling me:

i am incapable of love. but i needed your love. i am unable to reciprocate what you gave to me.

then why did you lie to me? why did you pretend to love me?

i just could not let you go either, even though i should have. i was incapable of letting you go when i used you for selfish reasons, i could not stop even if i wanted to. if i could stop, i would. i wish i could stop this. i hurt you, and i could not stop. i was incapable of stopping. i wish i could stop what i was doing. but i just could not do it. if i could stop, i would. i'm crying. why can't i stop? why couldn't i let you go? why did i need you so much? why am i so broken? i wish i could stop. i really do. i wish it were enough, i wish i had enough - enough so that i wouldn't need others so much. i wish i could just be comfortable with myself. i hate that i broke down whenever we departed.

i think about us both crying, just two broken people admitting to each other we could not stop things even though we knew we should have.

even though the signs were there. i could not stop looking to him for hope, for love. even though he could not love me. he couldn't stop asking for my love. if myself, as a broken human yet not a narcissist, couldn't stop myself from loving him, how could i expect a dis-regulated and untreated narcissist to stop using me?

i kept asking myself over and over, why why why?

even though i knew the answers. it had to come with more clarity, picturing him also helpless to his condition. and myself, with my own insight and awareness need to be the one to say, no. this must end, and it must end with me.

if we were to ever meet again, he would most likely try to reign me back in. it is predictable and he is programmed to do so based on his mental disorder. he can't help, but to succumb to do what his instincts tells him to do. and i need to be ready, to expect what is expected of him. and i need to be the one to stop. no matter how hard it is. because where he is incapable, i must be the one to be capable. you can't have two people incapable of stepping back and doing what is necessary.

[dehya-selei]

narcs allergic to identity building in their firstborn daughters

I was researching snow globes today and I could faintly remember this sense of nostalgia. There were sentimental items I really liked as a kid. I can't remember them on the top of my head, but when I see them I recognize it like snow globes and music boxes. As an adult, I started to realize the value of keeping certain things or finding out things you like and enjoy.

My mom with her grandiose narcissism anal clean freak tendencies loved to throw our things away when she went on her cleaning rage rampages. One day I went home from elementary school and was shocked by seeing all my personal belongings that were in my room flung out on the ground across the lawn for the world to see. I remember a sense of violation and humiliation.

Here I am in my 30s re-learning what identity building means.

Yes I loved snow globes, but I never indulged into any interest for too long. There was also a time in middleschool, I decided to personalize my room by sticking my drawings onto the wall. The next day, I find all my drawings torn off the wall and thrown away.

For the first time, I can put words to this thought I always had in my head that as a kid shackled my sense of self:

How can you have the audacity to be? How can you have the audacity to have you own willfullness? How can you have the audacity to think for yourself and have independent thoughts?

There's a lot more to unpack here, but as a kid, I was afraid to even appear before other people. I was always stiff and afraid of my own body moving. I had this disconnectedness of what to do with any part of my body. It was kind of like feeling like a puppet - what would be natural to do with my hands? What would be natural to do with my lips? It was like I didn't know how to be a normal and natural human. Like if you were to relax, your body naturally follows your mood and feelings.

Was my mom somehow allergic to the thought of her firstborn daughter developing a sense of identity and independence from her that triggered these rage cleanings? Growing up, showing any sense of self seemed to annoy her. Wether it be sitting on the couch enjoying a cartoon or just seemingly looking content. Well, the past is the past, I can't go back in time and learn to be a kid again. And so now being a kid, developing a sense of identity, is still work that needs to be done and I hate that I feel so behind, and yet, it's better now than never. I am going on a trip to Japan in a couple of weeks. My coworkers talking to me about all the places I should visit and the souvenirs to bring back to them lifted me up a bit. I've not told Lily this, but I always feel happier when we go and get coffee together. I came back home and the depression seemed to have lifted.

[dehya-selei]

emotionless vs emotional depression

somethings happened to me lately, i dont know if its just temporary or what. i guess what i'm feeling is, the world doesn't feel safe anymore. this stage of my hormonal cycle is a pretty ripe condition for this to happen, and it was triggered by this uncomfortable experience with this woman who i realized may have been fake to me the whole time. also this woman was also good friends with n. even though n left, i keep being reminded of all the people around me currently that he has won the hearts of. mitch at work and mitch even started going to church because of him. n was close to every boss in the company. n was close to every person in leadership in the church including the pastors. it's like i still am living in his world. i'm considering leaving every little thing that had been touched by him. i just don't know how soon or when to start. i'm also on edge, thinking one day he'll show up all of a sudden.

i think i've identified 2 types of depression i typically deal with.

emotion numbing depression - in this one i feel like my body is hollow and it's like an out of body experience. my face is expressionless. i have trouble formulating thoughts that relate to motivation and task completion. i feel like i'm going in slow motion. it's frustrating because it's like i can't think properly - mental haze. i tend to be angry at depression. a shriveling carcass, empty soul.

emotional overload depression - this one i'm dealing with right now. this is the one that fucks with my head & perceptions. i guess you can says it's like combination anxiety/depression. i seem to think the world is against me. paranoia. everyone hates me. people are conspiring to put me down. sometimes i have to lay down for a bit for the 'headache' to go away. it's like an anguish headache, when it happens, it so emotionally painful that like it engulfs your thoughts. it's annoying because while i can still use some critical thinking, at certain moments i get so distracted. it's like, i am in so much emotional distress right now, nothing in the world matters to me because this pain won't go away. and then, it like feeds into itself - nothing matters, so why try anything anymore? but if i don't try, i won't ever improve my situation. then, i look anywhere for relief and feel distraught i can't find relief. it's like this ball that grows bigger and bigger. and there is this knot in my head that grows. i don't want to deal with people. people don't get me, i want to hide. people won't leave me alone. people look down on me. a ball of fire waiting to implode on itself and burn itself to the ground. i just want to hit the pause button on life - i need a break, i need a break from my perception of other people's thoughts. i want to cry, but everyone hates me.

[dehya-selei]

Yes, sure, my trauma affected me.

Do you know what else affected me?

Dancing under the glow of LED strip lights with my best friend at 3am. The pair of shoes my godmother gave me with the cute little bows that I wear for good luck. My girlfriend laughing so hard at my joke she had tears on her face. The hours and hours I’ve spent scribbling in the margins of books. Buying the ugliest sweater at goodwill because it made all my friends grin. Listening to that song on repeat while I swayed through the halls at school, smiling in response to all the weird looks people sent me.

I’m never going to just be the bad parts. I refuse to be boiled down to just the bad parts. Every moment of my life has affected me in some way, more than even just the parts I remember, and there has been beauty contained within and surrounding all the grotesquities.

[dehya-selei]

Zinaida Nikolaevna Gippius, from The Selected Works; “Memoirs of Martynov,”

[dehya-selei]

God says i need to learn to value myself... erm, okay...

the water pressure was low in my apartment, but i had to get clean i can't go two days without cleaning my hair. i drove 30 minutes to my mom's house to clean my hair. and along the way i had a little prayer drive. i almost forgot everything that transpired during the prayer. but essentially God made me remember one thing, that I do in fact need to learn how to value myself more. if i don't value myself, then how will others see my value? i've heard this said before, but always took it the wrong way. but what helps me, is i think about something very valuable, like a diamond and you stick it on a fruit stand. if you don't believe the diamond's value, then it won't come across that way to others. what you believe yourself, you become. if i don't value myself, yeah i give off the impression that others can treat me less than my value. ultimately my value comes from God, so like i'm no better or worse than anyone else. everyone has the same value.

i keep finding myself tempted in the same neural pathways as before, feeling sorry for n and giving a rationale for why he behaves the way he does. and, like i need to say this: i value myself so i no longer need to be enticed by n's scraps.

[dehya-selei]

lately i've come to wonder if i'm no different from a narcissist. at times, i don't feel settled in my skin. sometimes i'm very bored. sometimes i feel empty.

i want to feel something.

i remember a time when i was never bored when i lived with my mom. every single day living in this fear that i might do something to trigger her anger or her criticism rampage. i might have even envied those who had the ability to be bored and not be occupied by anxiety.

but sometimes there are moments of time where i feel bored, empty like i wish i felt purpose like i'm working towards something. i'm so future oriented, i wish i could see where i was headed towards. at times i feel stuck, unmoving like i'm going to die living an unfulfilled life.

and it's not true because every single day i take steps to try to improve myself. wether it's experiencing something new, making plans with friends or family or even learning how to be kinder to myself.

when i was younger, i didn't have this empty feeling. idk, i would feel like everything would be okay. i didn't worry ceaselessly about the future. sometimes i'm angry that i wasn't prepared to face the things i'm facing now. but, i still have a healthy body and the ability to go out there and try out things and explore possibilities.

i do miss the idea of being in a relationship and building a future. i remember making decisions with n in consideration in case he would want to take me with him to travel the world while he served in the army. people say that moving around every couple of years is stressful, but i was mentally prepared to go with him. shortening my lease in case that was what he wanted. in the end, i put so much emotional investment into that relationship and left empty handed. but it's not like i don't still have things to give to the next person. n didn't destroy me or take away my skills or abilities. if anything, his leaving for the army freed me. now i can look for my true twin flame or soul mate.

leaving n means I can find someone:

who vibes with me

who understands and appreciate me

who supports and loves me

heals with me and grows with me

who makes me feel beautiful in my own skin

leaving n, is a gain not a loss. because n could never be capable of any of those qualities. the only reason why i felt a connection to him, was because he somehow made me feel important (during the highs) even though there was never truly a real genuine connection.

[dehya-selei]

Soulmates arent just lovers – theyre friends too. Your soulmates naturally recognize you, vibe with you & align with you. They understand you, appreciate you, support you, love you, heal with you & grow with you. They make you feel beautiful in your own skin just for being YOU.

[dehya-selei]

been struggling with thinking about n again. it could be as simple as, just stop thinking about him. but it doesn't work, perhaps i need to find out why.

mitch said something along the lines of, "n has such an extremely loving family so i don't know how he ended up with all this trauma." "his mom was the type of mom who always wanted to be a mom, so she became the best mom she could be to everyone". n's family especially the bond between his mom and dad seemed perfect all the time (based on how he would talk about them). "he and his brothers were weirdly close almost too close in a way".

i started to think about n again because of what mitch said. i thought about how i could visibly see at times, him feeling some type of pain. but it makes sense if you think about it. his family seemed so perfect, that there was probably some type of enmeshment. and based on the way n talked about his mom, his mom was probably overprotective of him since he was the oldest. just because you came from a loving family doesn't mean you learn effective coping strategies and struggle with emotional regulation later on in life. and indeed, any small thing would trigger n.

it can at times be easy for me to feel like n being superior and pulling the strings on a chessboard to play with my emotions with the yo-yoing and devaluation. but i feel like even though i hate what he did, his behaviors and actions that hurt me were a reflection of himself - manipulating me as a coping mechanism because he lacked emotional regulation. it sucks that even though i wanted him, he just did what he needed to do to get through the day or the week. and i need to do the same - even though at times i have feelings for him - i need to do what i need to do for my best self interest - finding ways to replace my feelings for someone who no longer adds any value to my life.

[dehya-selei]

[dehya-selei]

my mom says she’s not a hugger. but when i put my arms around her on a gloomy day or after bad news she’s the last to let go. my dad says he doesn’t want gifts on his birthday, but i see the way his face lights up when i get him a card with a nice message and a box full of chocolate anyway. he’s just a kid inside, still. it makes him giddy. my brother never says i love you. but when i tell him “i just need to finish the dishes before i vacuum!” he wordlessly goes to vacuum the entire house before i can, and if he sees me struggle with a wrapper or a jar or a bottle he mutters ‘c’mere’ and opens it for me without even sparing me a glance. the thing is, people love you quietly, and you love them quietly, and the air is buzzing with tiny but grand gestures & once you look for them, you find them everywhere. i think that’s really beautiful.

[dehya-selei]

little reminders. little prayers. big God.

God had given him (Joseph) the dream, and God had brought it about. His recognition of God's invisible hand at work in his circumstances – even in the cruelty of his brothers – left no room for bitterness. nancie guthrie

i remember a friend sharing a story during discussion. there was a boy she barely know in school who would bully her, calling her ugly and fat. she would be afraid to talk to boys and would have trouble with male friendships until much later on. 5 years later, the boy got her number from a friend and texted her a list of all the things he did to her asking for an apology and emphasizing she was beautiful.

it was beautiful way in which believers experienced reconciliation and forgiveness.

there were a couple things i was reminded of overall that night. ash - prayed for a woman who hurt her, but later on became best friends with. el - can adopt an attitude of thankfulness in whatever season you are in.

perhaps i need to seek a renewal within myself. even though i'm lost and confused, i can pray for n. i pray that God would make him holy in the image of Christ. i pray for myself to forgive n, and to forgive myself. that i am not a failure in the eyes of God. i can adopt an attitude of thankfulness, thankful for the goodness and moments of peace studying the word and sharing of experiences brings.

there were healers surrounding me in the midst of chaos in many different forms. people willing to lend an ear - isn't that crazy - why would my issues matter to you? someone checking in, how do you feel? sometimes i feel like i don't matter. n gave some type of illusion that i mattered to him, but it wasn't real. i can be thankful that i matter to God, and only He can heal the hurt n brought to me.

[dehya-selei]

been feeling unfocused these days. lack of dopamine? and also just more needy for validation. where to fill the cup. oh