dehya-selei

[dehya-selei]

doll

he breaks his favorite toy again

he is wondering why it no longer plays

the toy is worn, it hurts to play

even if it could, it would no longer be the same

how many times can you tear the string

how many times can you bruise it's leg

rip out it's heart

it can no longer sing the same tune

even though the boy is desperate

for any sound

she can make

the boy cries and cries

because the doll can't make a sound

"i need you" he says to the doll

after gaining the courage,

the doll finally says, "i'm broken, i need you"

the boy is disgusted, because she is just a doll

just a doll to him

[dehya-selei]

You’ve heard of “don’t monetize your hobbies”; get ready for "don’t master your hobbies".

Your hobbies are here to help you decompress and have fun. They do not have to be disciplines you toil over for expertise, unless that is something you genuinely enjoy doing.

It’s okay to enjoy language-learning without ever becoming fluent, or even conversational. It’s okay to like playing guitar even if you only know a few clumsy songs. You can read books and never finish them, bowl without ever scoring even halfway to perfect. We’re here to explore and play, and we cannot do that if we’re chasing perfection in everything we do.

[dehya-selei]

weird day.

today is the weirdest day. i think suddenly my anxiety went away. i felt at ease and relaxed at work. in conversations with people, i had this mental clarity to perceive sentences and just respond naturally with humor. normally, i'm always worried about mis-comprehending something or just like totally missing the point someone is making or just simply not following things very well - usually my brain is fogged up or just like feeling this anxiety of like messing up.

it's like i took some drug and the anxiety went away. i wasn't overthinking about responding in a way that might offend someone or something.

wish i could always be like this.

i heard that someone people with mental issues go to drugs for the first time, and then for the first time in their life, it does not feel like shit in their body. their minds no longer feel heavy or are tormenting them. this is like that for me today, except i've not taken any substances.

the only thing i can think of is that i've had this cat for like 3 weeks now. the only substances i've taken in the last 24 hours is an allergy med. i also had my usually chick fil a bowl and then chipotle. but i've also started drinking kombucha - 3/4th of a bottle yesterday and 1/2 a bottle today. i wonder if it's the kombucha because it apparently has a ton of microbes in it.

also, my place has been clean for 3 days straight which is a miracle, i wonder if that also has to do with it - a clean space = more mental clarity? and i've been eating out a lot more due to time constraints - like for a week last week.

also, previously i've been very (but maybe i'm still am) preoccupied by the thought of n leaving for the military. i don't know what is going to happen to us, and i have been just detaching myself wondering if he is going to leave without me. that had been depressing me for a while, but i think just today i've started to come to terms with it bit by bit. i started to understand n a bit. it has always felt like he wanted me around, but then ignored me, but i come to the conclusion that he wanted me around for the potential to interact with me more. being the extrovert that he is, he thrives on group social interactions and i can see the ways in which he tries to get people together sometimes including myself.

yesterday at church, i spotted him and was going to walk up to him, but then i saw him go up to the pastor but still looking towards my direction as i left. i left when i saw him go the other way, but looking back, i think he would've wanted me to come up to him anyway. but i was kind of lazy that day and didn't feel like talking that much and had only mustered the courage to talk to him until he went to talk to someone else.

but anyways, what i'm feeling right now, in my body right now. is like my head doesn't feel heavy. i feel relaxed which is rare. i don't feel tired either. think i had slept at 11am and woke up at 6am which is like the usual. it's like there is room in my mind and it's not cluttered or filled with JUNK. usually it's filled with JUNK - that i don't really know what it is - just like a jumbled tumor of like fear, worry and like the world is closing in and i'm a thousand miles behind of where i got to be - but like, there is nothing. nothing at all feels good. could just be that things aligned themselves in a way where i get some peace for a day. wish everyday would be like this.

[dehya-selei]

dear m,

i still think about you sometimes. i don't think i've ever addressed anything to you on here because i was always so scared to feel ashamed. when meeting you, i was a different person. so timid, so eager, yet ignorant of my capabilities and limitations. youth makes you think you are stronger than you are. before i met you, i thought love would always prevail, but love hurts.

when i'm lonely and down, i sometimes think of you. maybe if things were a little different, you could've saved me from all this. i'm leaning on a memory of you for comfort. i could never run to my dad because he was weak. i could never run to my mom because she hurts everything in her path including my dad. i grew up, and now i still have a hard time feeling satisfied with anything because i never really feel like i'm allowed to relax and enjoy the moment. we departed our separate ways, and now i'm stuck in this situation. you once said to me, you didn't know what you had to offer to me, i wanted to tell you that you had everything to offer if you'd just offer yourself, but i withheld those words feeling embarrassed at myself. and i think back, if i had been more confident or you hadn't been gay, i wouldn't be suffering so much right now.

[dehya-selei]

i've always been a lone wolf in school up until highschool. i've never been in any cliches, but hung out with a few goths/emos from time to time.

fast forward to now in my adult years, i work in the engineering department and nearly everyone is a guy except for my close colleague who is also a girl. most of the other girls are on a different floor and we do hang out from time to time. but for the most part, out of convenience and just how a bond forges over time due to working in the same vicinity, 6 of us in the engineering department all just became good friends that laugh, joke and talk to each other every day on the weekdays.

today there was a company-wide halloween party with costume and a chili cookoff. the only people to dress up were me and two other guys from the engineering department. when it was the chilli tasting time, i first sat alone at a table. i sometimes do go out of my way to sit alone because it allows you to meet new people aside from just hanging out with people you know. for a long while, no one sat next to me so the guys from my department sat together and we just chilled during the contest. later on, i heard from my colleague that the one of the girls felt like we were a clique and didn't know how to be apart of it.

at first i was offended, but later on just kind of made me ponder things. i remember when i was younger how i took things seriously and had to judge everything. cliques were bad, if you formed a clique you were a bad person. but then there's something else, you are just simply just good friends that you just can't help, but to want to be together, when you are just used to always being together. and i get it, when you work at a company, you expect things to be a certain way. you want everything to make you feel included, or rather, you don't want anything to make you feel excluded. cliques can also be demoralizing, but idk it leaves me with a dilemma.

we certainly don't try to form a clique, but a lot of us struggled with friendships earlier on in life, and so in our adult life through work we found those friendships. and so, yeah when all 6 of us constantly spend everyday talking and learning about one another, sharing our experiences and lives with one another, we form a connection. and when a group of people already established that connection, it can be daunting for new people to look at it and find a way to get in.

but honestly, even though i feel bad in a way, it would also feel weird to let new people in? like i don't want to admit that, but a group of friends will already have a certain cadence, rhythm and dynamic that grew from a point in time and continuously evolves with the same people. we know each other.

i've always been on the other side of the glass, looking in. always been the one feeling left out, always been the one wondering why the heck people are excluding me. that was me before, and what i came to the conclusion was:

i can't blame other people for putting in the work to build the relationships they have.

same way i've always been expected to deal with seeing things i didn't like, i mean yeah, other people can deal with it now. but at the same time, i do what i can to try to make people not feel like i don't think they don't have something interesting about themselves to share about.

[dehya-selei]

having an episode, more on the emotional side. i think it's been a couple of cycles since it last happened, maybe over 3 cycles?

i took maybe advil a couple of times while forgetting the probiotics. (twice without the probiotics). taking advil may have antibiotic-like effect that can cripple your microbiome leading to gut issues and chemical imbalances. i've also been having a lot of processed sugar (a box of 9 dark chocolates) and 1 to 3 donuts this past week. my stomach is more bloated than usual as well. today i was also probably triggered by a social event at work.

it's the more emotional episode this time. last time it was more physiological. what is worse? i laid down and cried a lot and had some s idealization. but i still think it's better than the physiological one because i'm so used to dealing with emotional pain. losing brain functioning causes emotional pain and it also causes me to feel anxious not knowing when it would stop. i took some turmeric to help with the inflammation. going to turn on a podcast later hoping it might redirect my brain connections.

i recently ran into an article pointing out that depressed brains have more networks across these 3 areas, i think they were self directed thoughts, sensory perception and i forgot the third. but apparently because there were more connections in these 3 pathways, it increased the chances of crossed signals and misplaced priorities in the brain. it makes sense though because if you are working and trying to concentrate, but can't because you keep thinking of this event and how it made you feel.

[dehya-selei]

tomorrow i'll see him again. i don't know what to expect.

been feeling fomo these past few days.

i wonder if people were having way more fun without me. including n. i wasn't sure if i could be the same anymore around him. but maybe i'll just treat him like a normal coworker for now.

i think if our relationship is to be saved, he'd have to man up. just because this time, he had hurt me so badly that my idealistic distortion is no longer as strong as before. i'm just too sad to carry all the blame as well as to carry on the bandaid over everything all the while he is kicking and screaming and using me as a punching bag. i don't know if he even has a minuscule compassion spoon.

however, i can't let it negatively impact my attitude at work too much because just because i have to see this jerk almost everyday, doesn't mean i should be depressed around others as well.

n is like an exotic animal. if i want to keep him, there's just a lot of things i got to do to accommodate his existence in my life. i must adopt a patient mentality to understand how his rationale works. his brain ain't normal, yet sometimes i forget and act like he'd have a normal reaction to things and then it turns my head. i must train him to get the desired behaviors out of him, all the while he is training me. but sometimes i'm too lazy and tired to care anymore in regards to how high maintenance he is. he requires a lot of compassion, it was probably what saved our relationship so many times.

n is the type of person you can read how he is feeling just by the sound of his voice. when he's really happy, there is much more cadence with an additional of a higher pitched boyish overtones while his voice is deep and southernly. it's honestly really attractive sounding. when he starts to get depressed, he gets more monotone, and starts to sound more authoritative lacking his usual cadence. it starts to sound like he is lecturing someone. but if he's breaking down mentally, you can hear the pain in his voice. it sounds like he is on the verge of tears and his voice kind of trembles. it's kind of crazy. it's shit like this like throws me off and believe him when otherwise i would not given the circumstances and how he behaves in the events that play out.

it's just, when is he depressed, he also gets angry and vindictive. like you hurt me, i must punish you - this i will never understand to the degree some individuals do. because when i'm depressed, i am depressed and i grieve? and usually i blame myself so i don't usually feel the need to go punish others. maybe a subconscious part of me may secretly wish they wouldn't step away unshaken without knowing the degree of pain they caused, but i don't think i feel a strong sense of wanting to take matters into my own hand and make the other person feel like shit for making me feel like shit. because sometimes, it isn't always the other person's fault. a lack of self awareness maybe is what enables this mentality?

[dehya-selei]

been a while since my last update. bunch of highs and lows. then more lows.

to encapsulate my internal summary right now is: nothing has ever been reasonable from the getgo.

n is lucky i has trauma amnesia. perhaps, if i remembered everything my mom has ever said to me, i would not survive. growing up, nothing was really worth remembering. i struggle at times with detailed recall, sometimes it makes me wonder if im stupid.

anyways, before my self reflection, i still want to reminisce a bit of the good times.

i tried to get up early in the mornings and time things so i would get a chance to encounter n in the office kitchen when he would clean the coffee pot. i loved going down and when he turned around to say "howdy" and smile at me. i'd ask him questions or talk about his family, politics or a podcast he shared with me.

also he has made a couple changes ever since our last "fight". my departments cubicle is in the middle, with n's section to the right, and the other department to the left. i often get a lot of individuals coming up to my cubicle to chit-chat for a bit. n has rarely ever come to my cubicle individually, but he started to come over more whenever he saw another person visiting me. it's those little things that started to make me feel like we were getting closer. he also started to turn around and look at me more when i passed by. seeing him was the highlight of my days.

another random thing, when we were discussing which characters everyone would be from the office, someone mentioned that i would be angela due to my religion, but n corrected them saying i was more like "erin" because of my positive demeanor. i was like wow, it's rare that anyone ever says something that wholesome about me, so i gave him a point for that. i'm just more used to something like "she's nice" or something like that.

but things never last too long. after he got help from the other female colleague, he held her hand as like a thanks before he got up and left. physical touch is my love language so something inside of me feels threatened to my core and i feel sick every time i see him touch another woman. i still can't quite articulate my feelings or thoughts on the matter in a way that fully encapsulates everything, because on the one hand i feel like maybe i'm the unreasonable one. but then my blood boils and want to shake him and say to him, "why must you show all this affection to another woman when you don't do the same for me when i'm supposedly your 'one'" i don't get it and i get confused and flustered and can't think straight. why is it so easy for you to be so nice to someone else? what is wrong with me, and i difficult to love? do i not deserve affection? and then on the other hand i can see how when a man touches another woman it could just be a friendly thing. it just depends on intention, and it's just hard because our relationship isn't normal. we can't openly talk about these things. i sent him a song about physical touch after that, because i wanted to let him know that it bothered me, but i think he interpreted the song to wrong way.

then last week as the gang was headed off to lunch, we were walking towards to door and for some reason n had to go back and as he walked past m, he brushes his hand against her back and doesn't do the same for me. what the hell? i thought to myself. i don't get why you feel the need to touch her????? also m has been dressing in more tight-fitted clothing and her boobs were literally busting out of her clothing, so the fact that he touched her that day just rubbed me the wrong way.

i guess when i see him touching her in front of me, i feel so lonely. i feel like they are the couple, and i am a third wheel or something. it's one thing to think your partner isn't capable of showing affection to you, it's another thing to realize that they are capable of showing affection, but just not to you. maybe so badly i want to feel included, part of something, a real couple. at times, i'd finally feel safe and secure in the relationship, then i realize, i am not safe after all. and this feeling is like having a carrot dangling in front of me.

stuff like this has been making me prepare my plan b. n isn't really keeper material, but i put up with him because i rarely find men i'm remotely attracted to and i was desperate for an escape. but lately, i've been wondering if perhaps, i'm not that desperate as i used to be.

i decided to remote this week for 2 days, i know he hates when i do that. but i just get sick of seeing him now. i keep thinking of how it feels to be disappointed over and over again.

[dehya-selei]

ten habits to adopt for a beautiful life 💭

+ curated shopping: rather than over-consume in fast fashion and trends, buy fewer, high-quality items. frequent vintage shops, boutiques, or markets where you can find unique, timeless pieces.

+ focus on wellness and exercise: consider activities that are beneficial for the body and calming for the mind, such as yoga, pilates, or long walks in nature. choose activities that allow you to connect with your surroundings and maintain balance.

+ mindful eating: prioritise healthy, whole foods and cooking meals from scratch. organic produce, artisanal products, and perhaps even locally sourced ingredients could be staples in your kitchen. eating is a mindful practice, enjoyed at a leisurely pace.

+ cultural engagement: regularly visit museums, art galleries, and theatres, or participate in cultural events that inspire and enrich their creative spirit. value learning and exposure to the arts as a way to keep life vibrant and intellectually stimulating.

+ reading and continuous learning: develop a well-curated collection of books, including classic literature, philosophy, and art, and dedicate time regularly to reading and reflecting on what you've learned.

+ minimalist technology approach: stay up-to-date with necessary technology, but maintain a minimalist approach to its use. limit screen time, avoid social media distractions, and instead prioritise face-to-face interactions or hands-on activities.

+ intentional socialising: carefully cultivate your social life, with a focus on deep, meaningful connections rather than frequent, casual interactions. you likely enjoy hosting intimate gatherings at home, where you can experience conversation, ambiance, and connection.

[dehya-selei]

reunited again.

there were 3 of us and we went to lunch together. n surprised me with his new moves. as we walked past the cubicles to the door, he did a bit of a dance. i didn't know he could move like that, it was honestly very cute. n was driving and i took shot gun and the other coworker g, took the back-seat. we were chatting, then n rolled down the windows and blasted on some reggae love songs. it was so nice driving down the street with my hair blowing in the wind sitting next to such a hot sexy man like n. the music was so loud it was probably catching the attention of other cars and it made me feel self conscious. the lyrics were lovely, and it was about a guy who admired a girl who was sweet and lifts him up when he is down. i felt him move closer to me. and as i heard more of the song, i felt a weird surge of feelings like a sense of excitement and anticipation. but at the same time it was comforting. like maybe this will soon feel even more real to me.

on the drive back n ran a red light on accident and kept talking as if nothing had happened, but i did feel a slight shake in his voice. i've noticed at times he can space out when driving. like sometimes he walks past his car in the parking lot, which i don't know if he does it on purpose to be funny. and at times he will accidentally go in the wrong direction. some of his absent-mindedness lets my guard down a bit, like "oh he can make mistakes too". though, at times i wonder. he's a lot younger than me so idk if men that age just think they're invincible or something, but seems like it. once he joins the army, he'll make a great leader because he's confident, intelligent and well-spoken. i could see him do well strategizing and coordinating people. but someone gotta help that man and maybe have others operate his machinery for him. he has brains and brawns, but can be clumsy af.

[dehya-selei]

a man's deep and steady voice

todays sermon a new pastor spoke and he had this unorganized type of chaotic energy when speaking. like he was yelling at you to somehow emphasize the points he was making. it was hard to focus because it reminded me of my mom.

then suddenly i realized i missed n's voice or realized why i loved his voice so much. he had a deep southern steady and smooth voice that i found to be soothing. a type of voice that kind of made you feel like everything was under control that gave this false sense that everything was going to be okay. behind that voice must be an organized and rationale type of mind. this was the opposite to my mom's loud and abrasive style of speaking through her chaotic bipolar mind.

i guess under the chaotic upbringing that i had, i found n's controlling nature and calm demeanor to feel relaxing to me in spite of knowing how manipulative he was.

[dehya-selei]

i think about narcs a lot, they have been around me my whole life. on the one hand, i realize that having clinical narcissism isn't a choice, so i try to understand the rationale for why they do the things they do. in some weird strange way, narcissist are unpredictability predictable.

i've also been thinking about the difference between grandiose and covert narcissism. grandiose narcs are hilarious in a way. you see them stomping along at a distance and everyone kind of just knows they are arrogant and belligerently loud in their opinions. my mom was a grandiose narc and my "ex" was a covert narc. my ex needed praise and validation from others to avoid feelings of emptiness - he was a complete mess at times and seemingly barely functional without supply.

On a good day, this could be my mom. Shouting at animals to "shutup" is kind of the vibe. Causing people to stare in confusion and just not giving a fuck.

my mom on the other hand, just constantly stomped on everyone standing in her field of vision. she created validation out of thin air, pumping up and inflating her ego through hearing her own voice speak, and it didn't matter who she was speaking to as long as someone was just sitting there spluttering filler words every 5 minutes or so. but they are still extremely damaging just out of sheer brute arrogance and domination where they just steamroll over you when you step out of place. "jackhammer" style of loud and abrasive arguing and rage that teeters on the verge of physically violent ways of expression. in my adult years, i had trouble focusing and get uncomfortable when extremely emphatic pastors drill through their sermons like they are reprimanding you and i freeze up at the sound of sudden loud noises because i had associated it with narcissistic rage. now i am grateful i live by myself, it has allowed me to recalibrate and not become low-functioning whenever i get triggered by loud sounds or abrasive people.

my younger middle half-sis once told me that one time my mom made ramen on the day that she would go fishing with her dad. when they were about to leave without eating the food, my mom took the bowl and smashed it across the room and proceeded to call the cops and then blame my stepdad for physical assault as a way to punish him for her humiliation. my little sis saw all this and not once did her dad raise his hand against my mom. the cops had to reprimand my mom, that calls to 911 for arguments are not permitted because it takes away time from more serious life threatening matters they must attend to. that is just one example of many. narcs make other responsible for their own humiliation. i knew i've seen a lot of the bat-shit crazy things my mom did, and i was always in fear of my mom moreso than any of my younger 3 sisters despite being the golden child. like nearly killing my biological dad with a butcher knife because she couldn't stand how "filthy" my dad was. the black sheep has also seen a lot of things like my mom smashing her head against a glass table shattering the glass and proceeding to smash her head against the marble figurine decor because of again, her humiliation and need to make a scene to "win" the argument. parents are suppose to shield their children from domestic fighting, but i feel bad the black sheep saw as much as i did growing up.

my covert ex basically blamed me for everything he was doing or was about to do. by the time, i was fed up and ready to admit everything he had done to me, it was like he stole the words out of my esophagus. oddly enough, that didn't really bother me, since i knew at the back of my mind, he was the crazy one and i was just sitting along for the ride.

[dehya-selei]

back to quieter times(ish)... 1.5 weeks ago

it was mainly just me in my sub-department, and n had a couple of his colleagues in his area. this was after my jealously had subsided and i was feeling a lot better after the hormones quieted. maybe perhaps i was maintaining as much of a positive and solution seeking outlook as much as possible.

what happened that week? oh, that's right. f was out the entire week. monday, n looked like he was having a mental breakdown (maybe because f was out), and i was sick of him. so i remoted the day after. when i came back to work the next day, n was more nice to me than usual, popping up at my cubicle with a smile in an upbeat tone. then friday, he dropped some good news that was happening in his life to me. i guess, that bit of attention, put my guard down and i decided to be affectionate again. i was hoping my jealously was all in mind (i still do not yet know).

for lunch, i asked to drive with him to pick up food. everything felt great, i was feeding off of his energy and his with mines. laughing and chatting along the way and back. i've been wearing perfume for months and he had complimented me on my scent through one of his songs. and i realized he smelled amazing, because he recently started to wear cologne as well. vetiver maybe? a very deep and manly smell, but he wore the perfect amount. after grabbing the food, he opened the passenger side to let me in, but before i was able to get in he passed me the bags full of food. and i was reaching out to hold it as he was, but he didn't let go and i felt my wrist against his. "hold on, this isn't fully closed" (the packaging was loose) so we both kind of held our wrist together and i wanted so badly to stay that way forever, and we were standing so close. and he slowly set the bag down into the floor as if he too was wanting this moment to last. he stared at me for a moment, i looked at him and laughed because that was the first time he waited for once, and let me buckle my seat before he drove off (he tends to just start driving straight away which makes it difficult for passengers buckle in - we all pick on him for it).

the coming sunday, i didn't expect to see him at church knowing he'd be back at his parents, but i saw him near the front row. it's weird seeing him more casually dressed with his shirt not tucked in. still hot as hell. i took the seat next to him. after the song was finished, i glanced at him as both smiled at each other. he looked happy to see me as i was seeing him. and this time he put his hand out for me to hold, as a friendly greeting. and i held his hand, something i've been fantasizing about for a while. he was the most gorgeous male hands i've ever seen. they felt cool, not as soft as mine, and they felt nice. he went to the restroom after a while, and when he came back he looked at me and smiled as he walked past me to get to his seat. he can be so boyishly cute.

[dehya-selei]

i thought n moved on. but his new girl f, which is my best coworker friend, has been mia for a week off for vacation. then this week only appeared at work twice, then didn't show up later in the week.

i've been watching n. i know he gets all weird and strange when his "girl" whoever that may be at the time isn't around physically. it must be an anal retentive thing. it takes a toll on him. his voice sounds different. it almost makes me pity him, except he's been such a dick that it numbs my empathy for him. in the past, his nearly after-sobbing sounding type of voice made me want to do everything i could to protect him, but i know too much now. there's a chance however, it's because i also removed all my songs on my profile and started to change my schedule. i used to do all 5 days in office, now i'm switching to 3 because i've had enough of his shit. who knows what the reason truly is tbh.

he also hasn't been interacting much with f when she was in office as much as before. though, i think he did try to buy her coffee. they once shared a drink together, but f told me that it was only because the other coworker passed on the drink. later that day, n posted a love song about a girl handing him a drink. i remember being so inwardly destructively jealous that day when i was pms'ing. felt the most difficult gut-wrenching emotions in the moment. my dreams being ripped out of my bare hands.

f told me i had nothing to worry about. these past 10 months of emotional turmoil n put me through, i've never mentioned any of his actions to f. now f knows everything. it's a dumbass move to string along two women who are close friends. did that idiot not think i'd tell her of his bad deeds? f is a principled woman, so naturally said she cared more about me than this guy. that it is important for women to take care of one another. also, she only sees him as a younger brother with no romantic feelings whatsoever.

another thing to note, n is too fucking crazy for it to work with f anyways. on the surface, they are both weird, witty, and have a lot in common intellectually. but emotion-wise, n is needy as hell and high-maintenance. he needs to control his girls schedule because he gets too jealous, he needs to have the same social group, he needs the girl to be submissive because he's anal retentive, and he's too damn selfish to do anything that makes sense to a date even if she is able to put up with him. f is was too independent, has a super tightly-knit established friend group and is just way more assertive and loves herself. if f really did get into a relationship with n, she'd dump him just like that after his true colors show. she's too damn good for him in every aspect. hell i may be more jealous of n being a guy who is allowed to hit on f. if i were a guy, i'd definitely do anything for f. i deal with n because, i'm also crazy and my wants are simple.

anyways, n is losing his shit. i knew this would happen, and he started reaching out to me again. though i honestly admit that i was laughing at this entire situation. it helps me deal with the pain.

[dehya-selei]

another aha moment. sort of.

i realized i've grown so much in the past year after moving out and living on my own.

when i was living under my mom's roof, everything i did or thought about centered around fear or condemnation or some type of self-preservation motivator. i didn't spend the time to develop myself, my identity, my hobbies and interests, likes and dislikes. because of that, it had it has been a slow process to cultivate that zest for life, and has been a struggle to live like a normal person who can express themselves freely. it's very hard to not view myself in the lens of a scrutinizing judge sitting there with their harsh critical eye.

[dehya-selei]

a disturbing thought came about as my mind is trying to untwist and unravel the knots in my head.

i remember back in april when n texted me that he didn't see me in a romantic way. then i started dating other people. when he found out he created a pitiful scene that made me take him back. once i did, he blamed me for infidelity even though he was the one who made it seem like he wasn't interested in me. i apologized for it and he seemingly forgave me.

but then, he blamed me again. he left me again.

i wonder if he was just pretending this whole time about wanting me back, for the sole purpose of hurting me.

i can't understand why people need to hurt others to make themselves feel better. i've had people hurt me in the past, but i knew what parts of a situation were also mine at fault so i can't go out of my way to lie just to hurt someone.

there were promises of a future. he was going to join the army. he was telling me that he was going to take me somewhere. that he would do anything to keep me. that he'd provide money and jewelry. i was preparing things. shorted my lease. started to clean out my apartment. making plans for the future. i feel like i had lost a part of myself in the hopes and dreams i had.

it's sad to accept the reality that, i wasn't the girl of his dreams. as i sit in my thoughts in the obvious truths i know about myself that make me so undesirable, it leads me on a verge of despair, but i keep going on in spite of it. i keep trying to improve myself. there is no rest for the wicked.

i told the other girl about the situation n has caused for me. she said, "fuck n". how can he even have the audacity to get mad at me for dating other men?

yea a strong sense of self is important, because even if someone doesn't like you, you think to yourself, "i'm so great, why wouldn't they like me?" — those were her words, i don't embody them, but perhaps they'll be an encouragement.

however, i don't know if i'll ever feel that way about myself unless i am actually good at the things i want to be good at. and lot of that stuff, was suppose to have been cultivated in a safe environment growing up.

[dehya-selei]

“I lied and said I was busy.

I was busy;

but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.

I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.

I was busy calming a racing heart.

I was busy telling myself I am okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy -

and I will not apologize for it.”

- Brittin Oakman

- Artwork : Sivan.ka