defenderchickinrecovery

[defenderchickinrecovery]

5 posts!

[defenderchickinrecovery]

The False Narrative

When I was arrested in September 2018, drug task force came onto the scene to speak to me. They asked me to disclose the name of my drug dealer. I refused, despite knowing that “snitching” would benefit my own predicament. Upon my refusal to work with detectives, I was handcuffed and taken to jail. I was booked on a DUI, and later charged with possession of a controlled substance (cocaine).

You may be asking yourself why I didn’t give up the name of my drug dealer. The short of it is that I got to the point of seeing my “drug dealers” as human beings. And I felt a sense of loyalty to them.

In the beginning of my drug use, I was terrified of attempting to buy drugs on my own. The friend who introduced me to cocaine was my point person for getting cocaine. When I wanted cocaine, I would ask him for help, because he knew who to contact and where to get it. But there came a point when he didn’t want to participate in my drug use anymore, I was in too deep. Here I was, this white girl, in law school, who had the world at my feet, but I didn’t know how to buy drugs on the street! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve embarrassed myself trying to find drugs. I am not street smart. I like to pretend like I am, but I’m really not. It sucks!

The first few “drug dealers” I found were people that viewed the relationship as transactional, and nothing more. I maybe knew their first name, what car they drove and that was about it. I couldn’t tell you anything more about them. The deeper I got into my addiction, however, the more comfortable I got with the “drug scene” so to speak. I wasn’t afraid of buying drugs from strangers, I wasn’t afraid of being in “bad” neighborhoods, I wasn’t afraid of being the only female among a bunch of men. I got to know several of my “drug dealers” and I’ve even seen one of them enter the rooms of an anonymous program.

At the end of the day, I didn’t feel it was right to “rat” someone out when I’m responsible for my own actions. I’m the one who was in possession of drugs, I’m the one who was driving under the influence, I’m the one who was breaking the law. I couldn’t give up the name of the person who supplied me with drugs that evening because I also knew what his fate would be. I know how we treat “drug dealers” in this country, and I think it’s wrong. The so-called “drug dealers” I’ve known over the last decade are not bad people, and they aren’t any worse than me. Several of them have been through very traumatic events in their life. And if I’m being honest, at least 90% of them are black men. And we all know black men just get railroaded by our criminal justice system.

There is this perception that drug dealing goes hand-in-hand with violence, but it’s so far from the truth. And you don’t have to take my word for it, there’s research today proving this point. I am only aware of one violent death related to drugs, that I have some connection to, and that murder remains unsolved. (There is a house in the tri-cities area that was well-known for being a place to purchase drugs, one of the young guys living there was murdered in 2018. I had been to that house for drugs myself, so to later hear that one of the guys I knew, who lived there, was murdered was shocking to me.)  

I think the reason our system is failing is because we so far removed from the stories of the people we are locking up. We have developed a false narrative around what drug dealing is and who drug dealers are. Of course, I know nothing about drug trafficking, but if you’re talking about drug dealing in America, we have only scratched the surface of its reality. If you ask me, I think part of the solution lies in talking to the people who have been locked up for these crimes. You want to know how to handle the drug problem in America? Talk to the people who are directly involved in it, see what they have to say. Snitching gets people nowhere, but telling a story on the other hand, that may get us somewhere. We must seek to understand, not to condemn.

[defenderchickinrecovery]

I am currently reading this 76 page report, as it will tie into the subject of my next blog post. Stay tuned!

[defenderchickinrecovery]

Thoughts on Criminal Justice Reform

I’ve always been interested in criminal justice reform. I’d say it really began the summer after my second year of college. I can recall the exact moment too. I was sitting on the couch in my mother’s living room at our old house on Mercer Island reading a book that I couldn’t put down. She had checked out the book “The Innocent Man” from the library for me. She knew I loved John Grisham books, so when she noticed that he had written his first non-fiction book, she thought I’d be interested. (As a back story, I’ve always been obsessed with true crime stories, not only did I watch Murder She Wrote and Law & Order with Poppy and Luanne when I was in elementary school, I started watching America’s Most Wanted with my mother in middle school. I was also hooked on Unsolved Mysteries as kid.)

John Grisham’s first non-fiction book was my introduction into the many problems plaguing our criminal justice system. I was so consumed by what I was reading about innocent people going to prison that I decided, right then and there, that I had to be a part of this movement. I was so adamant about being involved in this work that I somehow convinced the director of the Innocence Project Northwest (IPNW) to let me volunteer there the following summer. (And If I recall correctly, I made my first phone call to IPNW that same afternoon I was reading John Grisham’s book.)

Volunteering at IPNW the summer after my junior year of college at Claremont McKenna College (CMC) was only the beginning of my education into the realities of our criminal justice system. As both a former criminal defense attorney, and now an alcoholic and addict in recovery, I’d like to think I have a unique insight into what non-violent criminals are facing when they enter the criminal justice system. And perhaps I even have some insight into what violent criminals are facing, given my history of abusive relationships with alcoholic and addict partners … which come to think of it … may need to be the subject of another blog post!

But when I say I think I have a unique insight into these issues, what I mean is that I’ve seen the issues play out in so many different contexts. I’m an educated woman, who’s learned practically everything there is to know about the faults in our criminal justice system, but I’ve also lived the life of an addict and alcoholic, and I’ve been a defendant in a criminal case. I’ve lived an extravagant life in many ways, but I’ve also lived a very dark life. I don’t think there are many attorneys out there who can say they’ve lived with a meth dealer in a trap house. The experiences I had during that time are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m not sure I’m ready to share what happened to me during those months, and what I witnessed, but I will if, and when, it feels right.

…

I’ve never believed incarceration is the answer for many of the crimes for which people are convicted. I’ll never forget taking a course at CMC titled “Crime and Public Policy” and having it dawn on me that we rely on incarceration to a fault in this country. It was from that class that I started to think more critically about incarceration. I had to ask myself, does locking people up make sense? Does this have to be our only response? First, you can question whether punishment is even the answer for certain crimes, and second, you can question whether incarceration is the right form of punishment.

My own arrest for DUI and drug possession has challenged my own beliefs and ideas about how we should handle the commission of non-violent crimes in America. For the longest time, I’ve been an advocate of decriminalizing the possession of illegal drugs. But here’s the problem I’ve encountered – if my own arrest and experience with the criminal justice system saved my life, how can I advocate for the decriminalization of illegal drugs? Trust me, I was angry when I got arrested, and I was mad at the cops who took me down … but today I credit them for saving my life. I often think that if they hadn’t caught me, I never would have hit my bottom. And if I hadn’t hit my bottom, I never would have found recovery. Therefore, I give a lot of credit to the cops who investigated me and arrested me. It didn’t feel like it at the time, but they were actually a stepping-stone for me.

Over these next few months, I want to explore these issues in greater depth. I hope you’ll join me as we learn together and problem-solve when it comes to our criminal justice system.

[defenderchickinrecovery]

Accepting Your Story

I’ve been thinking a lot about the direction I want to take this blog. As an addict, alcoholic, and compulsive gambler, I am a selfish and self-centered person. While I am excited about this blog, and how it will benefit me, the program teaches us to be of service to others. As a result, I think the best direction for this blog is to share where I’m at in my recovery each day, and then connect it to a larger issue I see in the world. My hope is that my blog will help someone else, and that through this writing process, I’ll find out what my calling is. I feel like I have all these ambitions and ideas - my mind is always racing with a million thoughts - but I have no idea how to put them into practice. One of my goals for this blog is to find out how to take what’s in my head and put it to good use in the world.

As some of you may know, I’m a huge fan of John Kim, aka @theangrytherapist. My outpatient individual treatment counselor Julio suggested I follow @theangrytherapist on Instagram last year. I was skeptical at first - I mean, why would I want to follow someone who goes by “theangrytherapist”??? - but I reminded myself in that moment that 1) I said I would be willing to go to any length for my recovery and 2) Julio has never once lead me astray. 

I was immediately hooked after I started following John Kim on Instagram. I am now subscribed to his daily texts - only $5 per month - and I’ve purchased some of his work. With the daily texts, you can expect a document every Friday on a particular topic. Recently, I’ve been pondering some concepts from one of his “documents” last month. One of the concepts is about accepting your story. John Kim writes:

“If you spend most of your life trying to deny your story, you’ll never reach your full potential. Here’s why. Your potential is activated when you are giving - and by giving, I don’t mean feeding the homeless. I mean being in a state of sharing your unique gifts. To get there, you have to be maneuvering into a state of authentic or honest self. If you are consumed by and/or holding onto all the shit that has happened to you in the past, it blocks that process. You are now taking. You are sucking energy, being angry, resentful, discouraged, and collapsing on yourself. This cycle only leads to giant tubs of ice cream, a television, and a sunken couch.”

When I read this passage, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This cycle he’s describing, this is the cycle that led me to alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling and toxic relationships. John Kim says that I have to accept everything I went through in order for change to occur. And if I’m understanding him correctly, I will only be able to share my “unique gifts” with the world if I accept my story. 

I have always had a desire to contribute to society, to make this world a better place, but I was misguided in my approach. I was holding onto a lot of shit as I went through the process of becoming an attorney. As a child, I never felt like I was good enough. I remember telling myself at a very young age that the only way to get attention was to achieve. By achieving, people would pay attention to me, people would love me. So here I was, a young, ambitious child, who wanted to change the world, but I’m also battling a lot of internal crap. Soon achievements became more about feeding my own ego, rather than helping others. I was so consumed by what I had experienced as a kid, that I couldn’t see that I was making things worse, and that I was self-destructing.

What’s crazy is that I didn’t see any of this as it was happening, and it took hitting my rock bottom to realize my way was not working. It took being kicked out of my mother’s house in Gold Beach and living with a meth dealer in a shack to find myself. Well, I didn’t find myself in that shack, but something shifted in me and I decided I wanted help. I was ready to see if there was a different way to approach life.

I never thought I’d revisit my dreams of practicing law, influencing the law or changing the law. I had literally given up on that prospect when I went to treatment in March of last year. But when I was in treatment and applying for jobs, it was an attorney I interviewed with – for a paralegal position – who reminded me I shouldn’t “waste” my talents. I didn’t get the paralegal position – he didn’t think I had enough sobriety – but his words stuck with me. He had read all the articles about me on the web, and he still saw value in me. He thought there was still hope for me. But really, what he was telling me was that it wasn’t just about me, I was giving up on something that could help others. This attorney is still a friend today. I check in with him every couple of months with an email or a phone call. I thank God every day for this man because he renewed my spirit, he reminded me that I can - and should - make a difference in the world, and that I have the tools to do it! Now the task is to figure out how to do it, and to do it the right way.

[defenderchickinrecovery]

Introduction

Here it goes, my first blog, my first post. I don’t know how a blog is supposed to work, but when a dear friend suggested I start a blog, it sounded like something right up my alley.

I decided to name my blog “defenderchickinrecovery.” You may be asking yourself, what does that mean? For the longest time, anytime I needed a username, it would be “defenderchick.” Ask any of my longtime friends, and they will confirm my obsession with “defenderchick.” It derives from my love for criminal defense work, but more importantly, criminal justice reform.

As a back story, becoming a lawyer had always been a dream of mine. If you talk to family members, they will tell you the story of when I was in the 3rd grade and we were making a quilt in our class. Every student was to design a quilt piece illustrating who they want to be when they grow up. Lots of students chose firefighter, astronaut, police officer, ballerina ... I chose “lawyer.” My mom tells me that she has no idea where I came up with “lawyer”, as there were no lawyers in our family. We weren’t poor by any means, but my mother was the first person in her family to go to college, so I didn’t come from a family of intellectuals or professionals.

I was raised in Memphis, TN. I was born out of wedlock, I’ve never met my real dad and things were a little chaotic in my home as I was growing up. My mom was married for a brief time after I was born, they separated before I turned one, but I credit that man and his later wife (Poppy & Luanne) for helping raise me. They would take me on camping trips, boating trips, etc. It was a lonely time because I was an only child and there were no other kids to play with when I stayed with Poppy & Luanne, but it was better than being at home with my mother’s second husband. (Buddy and I have since reconciled after not speaking for 20+ years.)

It was Poppy and Luanne who introduced me to “Murder She Wrote” and “Law & Order” at a very young age. I wasn’t allowed to watch my own “kid” TV shows, but I was allowed to watch those two “adult” TV shows with them. We all think this must be where I came up with the idea that I was going to be an attorney when I grew up.

As I grew older, I was only exposed to more and more things that intensified my passion for the law. I knew I was going to law school when I was in high school, and when I was in college, I took as many courses focused on “the law” as I could. I was most interested in changing the law. My senior thesis in college was on juvenile justice reform. My paper won best senior thesis and also a first place award with the American Psychology and Law Society.

As many of you already know, things went south at some point. Yes, I went to law school, yes I passed the bar exam, yes I won a lot of cases, but I was falling apart inside. It wasn’t long before I forgot about my values, my morals, my passions, my ambitions. The dreams I had as a child, to change the world, had been crushed by my many addictions. 

I celebrated 13 months clean, sober and gamble-free yesterday. This blog is called defenderchickINRECOVERY because this blog will focus on how I can get back to my childhood dreams of changing the world, and the only way I can get back to that place is to focus on my recovery. As such, this blog will be the intersection of my personal journey in recovery and addressing the injustices I see in the world. I’m looking forward to embarking on this journey with you all. 

xoxo