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outsider perspective of neil josten will never not be the funniest thing in the world to me like wdym this no-name, no-reputation kid was picked up by the most infamous d1 team in the league and proceeds to 1. insult one of the most famous college players on live tv, 2. claim his notoriously bad team is going to beat a team who has never lost, 3. spends christmas break with that team and comes back with red hair, blue eyes, and a face tat that’s basically the equivalent of that same famous player’s seal of approval, 4. says that the face tat is meaningless and insults the team & player to reporters, 5. gets kidnapped during a riot after a game, 6. comes back with a ton of injuries that are clearly from torture (including a burn mark where the face tat was, 7. be revealed as the son of an infamous serial killer (who’s dead now, btw), 8. play in a totally different position than normal during finals and actually succeed in both playing that position and winning the game against the undefeated team, 9. almost get murdered by the famous player on live tv for having the audacity to win like ??? honestly idk if it’s funnier to imagine all of this from a PSU fan’s perspective or from a fan of like, some team in the west who’s just watching all of this from a distance like “hahaha what the fuck is happening over there??”

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Had this idea…forgot how long the roast actually was, but i was too far in to stop. Proceeded to spend three days on it. Happy with how it turned out tho :)

also idk why it’s kinda blurry until you click on it?

"You know, I get it. Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you’re worth a damn off the court— yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time. I know it’s not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you’re physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don’t think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone." -Neil Josten, The Foxhole Court

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Neil is so fucking funny, I feel like every read through I notice a new thing that he does that is just absolute comedy gold. I never fully processed the fact that he was lowkey being funny as fuck in Baltimore. He wakes up from being knocked out and sees Lola sitting backwards in a wooden chair, obviously trying to seem intimidating and fully expecting Neil to be frightened considering what she had done to him on the car ride there. But instead of showing any sign of fear, Neil (who fully believes he is going to die), looks at how badly Lola messed up his hands/arms and is like “uh these have to be cleaned?? Do you even know how infections work??” and when Lola reminds him that it literally doesn’t matter because he’s going to die, he just gets up off the ground and wanders over to the sink to wash them anyways. Like, he definitely believed her, he’s just like that. Then, best part of all, once he finishes washing his wounds out, he realizes that he can’t towel dry them (for obvious reasons) and literally turns back around to look at Lola and sticks his arms out in front of him to drip dry. Like Lola is just sitting there in her chair while Neil looks at her like

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twinyard hc that they bond as adults by calling each other to bitch about people.

A sleep deprived exhausted med student aaron would very randomly call andrew to shit on jeremy knox after watching an espn segment from the hospital waiting room, and watching people gush about him.

aaron, calling his brother for the first time in 4 months, from the hospital parking lot at 5 am on a wednesday: “i don’t care about jeremy knox, he is a average player at best, he is not interesting and im pretty sure he is not hot, even for gay standards.”

andrew, who was already awake bc neil had just begged for a kiss before going on his morning run at crack of dawn: “he is also very annoying, even by gay standards.”

aaron, feeling vindicated: “I KNEW IT.” end of the call.

2 week later:

andrew, after getting mildly injured at a game and having to stay in bed recovering for a few days, doing nothing but scrolling social media: “eric posts too many racy pictures of nicky on instagram and i can’t take it anymore he needs to die.”

aaron, doing a weird shift in the maternity ward where he has to interact with babies so they don’t become psychos or whatever: “GOD, I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS TO KATELYN FOR FOREVER! we should kill him.”

andrew: “christmas in germany this year.”

aaron: “yeah.” end call.

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The whole time while drawing this, bits of religious imagery would pop in my head and I had to physically force myself to stay on track

Does that make Andrew a priest or God, I'm not certain yet

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I assure you: somebody, somewhere, is on the exact same wavelength as you are.

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There was never faith so misplaced

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Jeaneil’s dynamic is such that if any of the Trojans ever ask when was the last time Jean spoke to Neil, he undoubtedly says some shit like, “I go to great lengths to avoid speaking to that devil child more than is absolutely necessary,” but then like a week later his housemates get into an argument in the kitchen while Jean is doing homework on his laptop and he suddenly goes, “You may not want to discuss that here; I am on a Skype call with Neil.” Laila turns to him, incredulous, because “I thought you didn’t speak to him??” but Jean just answers very seriously, “We are not speaking.”

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i just know aaron randomly called andrew's name and then didn't say anything when andrew appeared to see what he wanted. and i also know andrew occasionally showed up wherever aaron was to stare at him until he got annoyed then walked away. oh and andrew for sure kicked his foot up on the beanbag chair aaron was sitting on so his boot was right next to his head and didn't move it whenever he swatted at it and told nicky to make him put his leg down (as if nicky ever could) while andrew said "im not even touching you" and nicky who has no siblings said "well he's technically right, he's not touching you" while aaron fumed and andrew was smug. i also know that aaron used the "at least mom wanted me" argument multiple times right up until tilda died and then never used it again. andrew took great pleasure in walking into whatever room aaron was in while he was sitting/lying comfortably to cut the light on and then leave. aaron was delighted sometimes when andrew told him to get out of a room for the sole purpose of standing directly outside the threshold bc technically he wasnt in the room anymore. if andrew ever gave aaron any food, the first thing out of aaron's mouth was "what did you do to it" and andrew made sure to never answer. aaron, who was certain he was the most mature between them, would repeat things andrew said in a high-pitched voice until andrew threw various objects at his head. they were equally confused and appalled in therapy when informed that these things were not signs they hated each other, but were in fact the complete opposite.

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imagine being such a good boykisser that the boy who never wants to kiss anyone thinks he could die happy after spending his last days on earth having the privilege to kiss you and the kicker is, he means this literally bc he's certain he'll die, and then he almost does. not only that, but you're such a good boykisser that after said boy is tortured and almost killed and left extremely injured, one of his top sources of anxiety is that you might not kiss him again. genuinely no one was doing it like andrew minyard.

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Another reason Aaron despises Neil is that he probably thought that they were becoming "friendly"

Due to his and Andrew's deal, Aaron could only have family, no friends. That was Andrew and Nicky, then expanded to include Kevin, and then the next year included Neil (even added to the family phone plan).

Neil hangs out with the monsters; sits with them, goes shopping with them, goes to Eden's with them, etc. Aaron got a list of single Vixen's for Neil to try to help this odd kid out socially. They looked out for Andrew together; Neil kicked down the door and Aaron killed Drake. Neil didn't tell Andrew about Katelyn like Aaron asked. They bonded a little over not telling Dobson anything.

Aaron, who had a lifetime of bad friends who used him to then no friends only family, thought he and Neil were becoming buddies or something.

And then Neil used him. He meddled with Aaron's relationship with Katelyn for his own gain. Yes, Neil's meddling got Andrew and Aaron in therapy together and started talking to each other, but Neil still used him.

That betrayal had to hurt.

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i think the biggest example of neil's rigid worldview is his belief that retaliation for his actions will fall on him and only him. that's how his father operated, if you did something he would go after you, not your family or your friends, you. this is why neil says what he says to riko on kathy's show, he thinks riko will retaliate against him and he is prepared to deal with that. but that's not how the moriyamas work, and it takes neil a long time to understand that, even when he's told and shown repeatedly that they will punish the people around him for his actions. in his mind, they should be going after him whenever he mouths off, and it's bizarre that they don't.

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The thing about Neil's mistrust of Betsy is that unlike most fictional characters who dismiss psychologists, Neil doesn't write off her profession as quackery, nor does he consider himself well adjusted.

Neil knows he's fucked up. He knows his personality is paper thin, just another layer of papier mâché that he has spent his life trying to keep anyone from cracking open and seizing the calcified corpse of Nathaniel within.

Neil's existence hinges on total control over his own identity and being able to reinvent it on a dime. The idea that someone not only can, but in fact has made a professional career out of wresting that control away from him, cracking open the layers of paper and glue and not reaching for the center but making him look, is nothing short of a death sentence.

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YES the Thunderbolts have a fantastic team as family dynamic, yes they are living in Avengers tower, yes history is repeating itself and 2012 tower fics are so back. BUT!

instead of "Alexei eating poptarts" or "Yelena in the vents", we must come up with new headcanons and make history

Bob always does normal domestic chores, often getting in the way of important missions and spy business. "All I'm saying is Bucky is our best sniper" "It would be a much quieter assassination if I just slipped into the condo and cut his—" "Hey sorry guys, anyone have laundry? I'm doing a load"

Yelena and her guinea pig always eat meals together at the dining table. Everyone has their Chinese food or barbeque, meanwhile the rodent is loudly munching on a salad right beside them

Bucky is the mom and always keeps them on track. "Ava you have a dentist appointment in the morning, and bring Bob so they can add him to the insurance. Lena how was therapy? Alexei, I said no vodka until dinner"

Alexei is always coming up with new promotional ideas for the team. Cartoon tv show, cereal, toothpaste flavour...every day he thinks he's come up with the next big thing. Whenever they actually get put into production (Wheaties) he collects and saves it, and won't let anyone use a different product. (He threw out Yelena's frosted flakes and it took both Bucky and John to get her to stop attacking him)

Ava likes to phase and sneak attack her teammates at random. She claims it's for training but really she just thinks it's funny hearing them scream

John gets blamed for everything, even if it isn't his fault. Especially if it isn't his fault: "who ate the last bagel?" "John." "Where's my hair straightener?" "John had it." "Whose turn is it to unload the dishwasher?" "Johnnnn"