deepquietthoughts

[deepquietthoughts]

2019, a summary

as some of you may be aware, 2019 was the year of “new year, new me”. I realized at the end of 2018 that I actively self sabotaged my goals and dreams and I was getting ready to ruin any chance of me succeeding in my dreams just by vitue of being scared. So I made my New Years resolution “new year, new me”, where I would put myself out there and be confident and try and not be afraid of failing

And I did it!!!! Like, I applied myself SO MUCH I joined so many clubs and worked so hard in all my classes, I made two amazingly close friends who I love so so much, and I even managed to get a boyfriend for a hot minute. 2018 vic wouldn’t have done ANY OF THAT so I’m so proud of me.

It started with me working hard in class, and I applied for a ton of internships for the summer, and I applied for a ton of clubs early last year. And I managed to get positions in almost all the clubs I applied for! There’s literally only one that I can think of that I didn’t get accepted and I was so swamped with work that thank god they didn’t accept me lol. And I got my summer internship which changed my life 100%. I made so many amazing and wonderful friends, I learned so much about myself, and I met my summer fling boy. Honestly, my job changed my life it gave me so much confidence and I miss everyone I met so much, I’m so grateful for what it gave me.

And then this latest semester, aka HELL semester, happened. It was a lot, 4 incredibly difficult upper level science classes, 5 or 6 clubs, 10 hours of a new lab every week, and I went through a ton of emotional trauma all semester long. Like, Lexi’s dad died and I was working on getting over Ramin and my cousin went to rehab and Hannah went to rehab and Bhavi destroyed her relationship with Tiffany which really ruined ours and Pari got David and Sarah went through a lot with her evil ex and ok I became friends with Sarah?? Like that was wild, and I was stressed 24/7, and so so tired and working all the time to succeed and it paid off? For the most part lol

I’m so grateful to all my friends. Tiffany especially, she really kept me sane and pulled me through some really dark times, she wasn’t always the most emotionally aware but I knew every single time she was checking on me and I appreciated it so so much and I’ll miss her a lot while she’s abroad :( and Sarah as well, she brought me out of my house and gave me Activities to do and did stuff with me, and is someone I’m really looking forward to hanging out with more. She’s good at motivating me and keeping me focused and even though we’re completely different people when it comes to studying styles, I just need someone there to keep me focused

Ruth and Frances, my girls, the loml, I love them so so much and I can’t wait to see them next! Ruth has helped me to be more thoughtful in what I do and to find meaning in my life. Frances is my girl and I love her so much and she’s so funny and seeet and she Gets me and I desperately hope she comes visit me at school for my birthday!!

Payal is always fun, talkative and slightly abrasive, but I love her so much too

Dianne and Hannah are two people who I don’t know as well as the others, but I love them and I can’t wait to see them too!! Dianne is so funny and doesn’t take shit, and Hannah is so sweet and caring and I want the world for her

CINDY how could I forget Cindy?? She’s so sweet and willing to do anything for anyone, I haven’t seen her in so long and I’m really looking forward to living with her this semester!

Pari has been one of the people I didn’t expect to become as close as I did, and I really hope that we can continue to be close. She’s so funny and she gets my humor when other people don’t, and I enjoy living vicariously through her and David’s relationship

Bhavi, idk where I stand with her or where I want to stand, but we’ll see where the semester takes us

I miss Jordan and Michelle and Maxine and Margeaux and Kelsey and Cait and Bella and Sarah and Erin, and cole and Katelyn and Hinna and Seth and Ramin. My nslc fam is so dispersed and at so many different points in their lives, but I can’t wait to see them! I know we’ll get together soon. And my children omg I love my kids I love seeing what they’re up to on insta and I hope I made a difference in their lives

I’m so excited to see where my lab work takes me and I hope all my clubs give me some sense of pride

But that’s just a review of my year. Lol new year new me really paid off. But that means that this years resolution has to be spectacular. I plan on continuing new year new me, cause dude that paid off so well lmao if I gave up on it I’d be the worst person ever. I think this years reaolution is gonna focus on healing and being kind. I want to be the best version of myself, and I’ve done a ton of self growth, but I think I need to rxpand that to being a better person. I try to be selfless and thoughtful and kind and a good person overall, but I know my stubbornness and my tendency to snap at people, and definitely my overthinkingness have led to a lot of pitfalls in my life. So I wanna be kind. New year new me continues, but also be kind

So that’s the 2020 update, here’s to me being a good person, fearless and ready to face the world ❤️

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university is ALSO just *goes to bathroom* *stress cleans to avoid homework* *buys on sale bread* *peace sign in mirror while bawling your eyes out at 3am* *always has a cold* *glasses r fogged up* *granola bars* *falls asleep in class* *does laundry* *staples something* *takes an ibuprofen* *listens to the same song for 3 days straight* *no free seats at the library*  *checks phone to see how long until class ends but forgets to actually look at the time* *naps* *regrets nap* *microwaves something* *has crisis about major* *contemplates dropping out every other week* *buys toilet paper*

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I love reading books cuz for a couple hundred pages, all these goddamn problems aren’t mine to deal with HA! this must be what God feels like

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“that’s sounds like a you problem” is literally one of the funniest ways to respond to criticism

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as you get older, you realize that you’re not always right and there’s so many things you could’ve handled better, so many situations where you could’ve been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.

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but you see her on instagram and it was never really said that you guys aren’t friends but one day she stopped answering and you stopped texting and it’s not like the wound is a cavern but it is a diagram of what if in red letters. you want to tell her nice lipstick that’s a good color but the last time you spoke it was stilted and awkward 

how do you say goodbye, you know? it’s not an unfriend and block kind of situation. but you watch the people you once loved go on and have a life and you’re outside of it. and it’s bittersweet because of course it’s okay that you’re both thriving. but she used to be who you’d call if you needed to cry. she used to be who’d you’d be binge watching the new series with. you used to be hers, in a way, even if that way wasn’t permanent. and now she’s someone else and so are you and your friendship is clicking heart shapes next to pictures where she smiles next to people you’ve never met. you know where her birthmark is. she knows where you’ve buried your dead.

the poets and the singers and the authors write about romantic love when it ends. but nobody tells you how to get over a friend.

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when you wanna talk but you have nothing to say

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they didn’t text you back because they didn’t want to ok??? go do a clay mask its fine

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i cannot stress how much i want emo/scene to come back like ??????? cringe culture is dead and the rawring 20s are comin upon us lets fukcin go