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constructive criticism v.s. criticism - hate & freedom (part 2)

Constructive criticism:

• feedback to improve someone/something for the better.

Criticism:

• the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.

Just because constructive criticism has the word “criticism” in it, doesn’t mean it is the same thing but unfortunately, some people think that it is. This is related to part one of this where an acquintance of mine assumed that her calling me a slut and saying that I am spreading bad luck is considered constructive criticism. You see what I was dealing with?

If she said that she cared and was giving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, it would be like

“Can you take down your post?”. It’s not that hard! The last two did it in a nicer tone, none of them got hurt? What is pulling you back from having to ask it nicely instead of “You’re just bad luck to everyone” or “Are you trying to post nudes?” in caps. Like what the fuck?

Girl, if you’re not going to give constructive criticism and just have assumptions with me then just stay away from me. Just stop. You can say all the stuff about me to everyone in the whole school, that’s fine but please look up on the definition of constructive criticism before approaching me just to make me feel like shit.

Also to my close-or-not-so-close friend, I know that you have been like this from the start and I have been patient with you throughout but you have gone too far this time. If you were really my friend, you would have notice my mistake which you did but not go around telling others about it which caused into a big feud and also letting people have a bad impression of me. Ever since I got out of the group, I didn’t bother to trashtalk about you or your groupmates and I just went on my own. I was never a good person and I also did the same thing as you before but I knew when to start and when to stop. But for you, you did this for your own pleasure not even trying to be considerate for once, so that more people will just stay away from me and that you will see me in pain, crying while you be there laughing at my misery. You have ruined my life again and again with no remorse, I stayed. But this time, you have gone too far and that this all ends here.

I will never forgive you and your friends after the agony you have put me through. Just screw you.

[deeplightconnoisseur-blog]

My cousin is a preschool teacher and asked her students to suggest names for the baby she is expecting. It went well.

[deeplightconnoisseur-blog]

hate and freedom (1/2)

For some reason, Tumblr decided to delete my draft and now I have to type that shit all over again, great. 🙃

So I went to this Christmas-themed attraction in town for photogenic purposes (hehe) and also for my consuming matters aka cravings. Everything was awesome and we went home, cool!

I started to look through my phone for stuff I could post for my Instagram recent which I did. I waited for a few minutes for a special person to like it, (ehem ehem.) until my close-or-not-so-close friend decided to dm’ed me about my photo, saying that there is something wrong with it. I looked back and stared at it for a couple seconds, “oh shit! now i know what’s wrong!”. I deleted and rechose the pictures with the help from my mom, mothers know best. Reposted less photos but appropriate photos and boom! Done! But then again, another friend of mine dm’ed me the same freaking thing, UGHH. Probably it was a coincidence but come on, it’s not like you zoomed into that specific spot.. Anyways, I replied saying that I know about this and was going to repost it another day. She was like “cool”.

Remember the girl in my last post? That same girl messaged me on Whatsapp about the post but what was different from the others was that they said it in a friendly and caring like they knew I was clueless and didn’t realized it but she said it in a tone where I did this on purpose for sex appeal or something which was just “what the eff..?”. I know I am single and such but I wouldn’t go untill that extend, come on. You knew me for three years, why are you still so blind?

Also this was where my close-or-not-close friend opened his big mouth and snitched on me because 1. he’s been always talking trash behind my back since we first met and 2. this bitch doesn’t even follow me on Instagram.

So being the petty 15-year-old, I went over crying to my mom about this. She of course wasn’t happy with it and just started messaging her as me. I was in a emotional wreck at that point. The bitch kept going on and on. God, thinking about it just makes me pissed. I didn’t really get to see the conversation between her and my mom but all I saw was her saying to me that my parents never taught me anything. (Irony, huh?) This was where it all became Mortal Combat Whatsapp style. My mom decided to call this bitch and as she introduced herself as my mother, she (bitch) started to yell at her shouting vulgarities most of which was shut the fuck up. Thankfully, my mom doesn’t play nice so she told her to shut the fuck up too. Thank god, mom. She needed that for a long time. I didn’t really stay long throughout the whole phone call because I was stressed out and just crying so I went to my brother who was playing video games alone. I was sniffling and stuff, telling him that high school sucks. He was like “what happened?” and I told him everything. Though I was in my brother’s room, I could hear my mom’s voice from next door. My brother then told me that he wouldn’t bully anyone from his school and if he were to say something offensive and such, he would apologize. Hearing that, I was kind of lucky that my brother didn’t turn out like the other kids or hopefully staying like that till he graduates high school.

So I went back to my room where the phone call had ended and the first thing that my mom said was “This girl is very rude.” and that she sounded and acted like her mom worked as a food court waitress, selling beers which was sort of true. I felt a lot emotions at that point but the main was just anger. My mom told me that she did that was because she cared which my mom found it hard to believe, same goes to me.

There was more things that she said but this is getting super long and I am going to post a part 2 about this. So yeah.

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high school

When I first started secondary school/high school in 2015, I wanted to restart my social life because life in primary school especially the graduating year was horrible in general. As I was typing out how my year in this post, I deleted all of it because I think it is too lengthy and I should probably say it all out in another post as I only want to get to the main point and that’s my current life now so yup.

As I was saying, I wanted to turn over a new leaf and have a healthy relationship with my new classmates which I did in Lower Sec. I am not saying that it was a PERFECT relationship because there were times where we just don’t get along with each other and would just throw the silent treatment at each other but I’d said that it wasn’t bad. No matter how bad these conflicts were, it only lasted for a short period of time and boom, everyone was friends again! But that didn’t happen in Sec 3, unfortunately. This ‘fallout’ was not the same as the previous ones because this was even more serious which led me to lose all of my good friends. I admit that I was the one at fault but not all of it. I would like to share what happened to my old group of friends but again, too lengthy and personal so no. Sorry, but the only thing that you can know is that, this incident had jealousy, insecurity and mostly, stupidity.

Anyways after what had happened between me and my friends, a lot of things changed for me. I started to get bullied a lot by my classmates more than I have already gotten previously. Every time during lunch, I would always stay in the classroom and not eat just to prevent myself from getting called on for being a “loner”. I’ve gotten more quiet in class. Suicidal thoughts kept popping in my mind. Literally, it felt like my happy soul had just left my body. (Too deep?) No one was there for me at that time, there was no one to talk in general because the people who I usually express my feelings to were vanished. All gone.

That was also the time where I felt like I was being pathetic and I had to prove to these people that I could live without them. I started to hang out with a group of people who weren’t from my stream. At first, I felt so awkward and extra hanging out with them during lunch but as the time pass by, it felt like I was a part of them. I was happy with my new group of friends but my old “clique” wasn’t. Recently on my Snapchat, I have posted a snap on my story, that I accidentally swallowed a calamari ring wrong which led it to my windpipe but before knowing, I stated that it went to my lung. People from my class weren’t that satisfied with my post and the next day, I got criticised heavily for that. Some of these comments didn’t affect me a lot that much until this certain classmate of mine just crossed the line. Like the rest, she argued with me because of my post but then, she also added more information to her insult. She said that my Biology (since I take Biology), is crap and yet, I still have the guts to hang out with the people who were a stream higher than me.

This was when I just lost it, the thought of making her death look like an accident started to come in. There had been a lot of times where she had the audacity to make comments about my flaws, big or small. But at the time, she  triggered me. Gosh, looking back at it now makes me want to kill her so much. I wanted to retaliate so much but I knew that I also wanted to be a nicer and better person than her after the things had happened in the past, so I smiled and kept quiet despite me hurting emotionally. The journey home was painstaking because I kept replaying that insult of hers inside my head that I started to cry in public. I tried so hard not to let the tears flow but I just couldn’t stop, it was affecting me a lot. People have judged me for the stupidest things that they could think of and I would never cry my eyes out, or at least in public but this was the first. It was already bad that I was having personal problems regarding my family’s financial problems and she just have to add problems with comments like these. Till this day, the comment will just be stuck in my mind.

However despite the insults that I have to endure until next year, I am trying to become a positive person and also to gain my old self back because I know that these type of phases only lasts temporarily. Hopefully, things will be better than before. :) 

If you read this until here then good job! Thank you for surviving my long ass essay xD,

-love,

aliyah x

To the person with the bitchy attitude towards me,

I know that you don’t like me, isn’t it obvious? I don’t like your attitude as well but you don’t see me talking trash to you at all. Just because I keep myself silent, it doesn’t mean that I don’t expose. I may sound like I am the one harassing you but God knows who is the villain here. Haha.

-love,

your victim.