deepest0thoughts

[deepest0thoughts]

Just to amend, they’re actually non-binary and goes by they/them pronouns. So it’s technically a loophole right? That doesn’t make me gay!

But in all seriousness I doubt I actually like girls. They’re just so cool

Ok like… I’m taking a karate class and one of the instructors/helpers/senpais is kinda cute? Like she looks really cool and has a cool haircut but she looks kinda boyish? And she’s super friendly but also stern. And she’s like a black belt. …like this is the first time I felt this exactly? But I feel like I have a girl crush on her? I’m 99% sure I’m not bi… but she’s just so cool. That’s what I think it is actually lol.

She like demonstrated something today and faked a punch really close to my head. And I was like 😐😳😐…

So anyway… interesting feelings?

[deepest0thoughts]

I saw a TikTok a while back that was like “horniness in your 20s really is different” or something and I think that’s exactly what’s happening to me now 😭 like… I thought for years that I had no/low sex drive and even questioned if I was asexual. Then when I hit my early 20s, I suddenly daydream about fracking the dude sitting next to me in class. Like wtf??

Does it have to do with my body being fully ready to have a child or something? Like what’s the biological reason behind this??

Like bro I’m trying my best to not have impure thoughts after my ta made a joke to me but?? The second he did that I was like “well guess I’m going to be thinking of him for a while”

These are supposed to be my deepest thoughts not horniest thoughts but… I mean horny thoughts are still dark thoughts I need to let out so… I guess that’s fine. Id rather be horny than depressed LMAO

[deepest0thoughts]

Ok like… I’m taking a karate class and one of the instructors/helpers/senpais is kinda cute? Like she looks really cool and has a cool haircut but she looks kinda boyish? And she’s super friendly but also stern. And she’s like a black belt. …like this is the first time I felt this exactly? But I feel like I have a girl crush on her? I’m 99% sure I’m not bi… but she’s just so cool. That’s what I think it is actually lol.

She like demonstrated something today and faked a punch really close to my head. And I was like 😐😳😐…

So anyway… interesting feelings?

[deepest0thoughts]

Feelin kinda pathetic rn. My sister just made me cry because she’s so go go go go go and she’s quick to make decisions and every question or concern I bring up is “dumb” according to her. Like yeah after hearing her explanations of why my questions are stupid I can understand what she means but I just hate the words she uses honestly. The delivery of stuff she says is not it. In moments like these, I imagine wanting to spend less time with her which has been true this year. Especially with her saying she was a lot more mature than me now and how she didn’t like that. Like I agree with that 100% but I’m too sensitive to be talked down on every week. Shit hurts ngl.

Well I just wanted to spit this into the void. I’ll get over this as I always do. I do want me and my sister’s bond to grow stronger. But the way we communicate and thrive and even our personalities and love languages are completely different. I feel pretty tired every time I see her. But I know she feels the opposite which is kinda funny. She said she feels relaxed and comfortable around me vs I feel pretty stressed when I hang out with her. Whenever I’m in a negative mood around her, it makes my mind imagine scenarios where we are more distanced and it makes me relieved. But I don’t want to think that man. She’s my sister.

But yeah typing this out made me feel better. I have to become a person that she won’t roast. Then I’ll be fine with being closer with her again. But it would also be nice if she tried to find some common ground with me as well. Which I don’t think she tries hard enough to do either.

[deepest0thoughts]

I finally created this blog after feeling a little lost after an encounter I had today.

I messaged an old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 7 years. Man I’m getting old 😭. We were kids at the time, but we had a falling out at the end of the school year that involved what I can now see as him blaming everything that sucked in his life on me. I was and still am a very relaxed person who allows people to walk all over me because I’m honestly afraid of people disliking me otherwise. I was the perfect person for him to take his frustration out on. At the time I did feel partially responsible though. We took a class that was so small they were like private lessons. And that teacher clearly favoured me and didn’t give much attention to him. Maybe I should’ve spoken up, but I was too content being the teacher’s pet or I was just a kid and I didn’t know I could.

Long story short, for the rest of the school year, we went from being good friends to ignoring and avoiding each other. It felt pretty bad. After we graduated, I’ve seen him a handful of times at school events and friend gatherings, but I have not seen or messaged him since 2015. Today on his birthday, I felt like it was time to message him. We never properly ended our friendship and I always wondered how he was doing on the back of my mind. And I figured there have been enough years between us for him to be able to have a brief conversation with me.

Well I guess he didn’t, because he replied in the coldest way he could have without sounding rude. He said thanks and he hoped me and my sister were doing alright. No how are you, just that. But me, him, and my sister were a trio in 2012-2013/14. He called my sister ‘your sister’ even though he knew damn well who she is. I might be over analyzing, but from that brief response alone, I could gather that he did not wish to speak with me. I thanked him and wished him the best and that was that.

Do you know how underwhelming it is to think about someone you haven’t seen or heard from for over 7 years only for them to reply like that? I’m leaving some parts out, but back in 2012, we had the kind of friendship where we found comfort in each other. We were close. And it didn’t help that I liked him (cringe) and I know he liked me back.

I haven’t met pretty much any men in the past 7 years so when I think about romance, he still pops into my head. I can’t say that I’ve liked him this whole time still, but it wasn’t like he meant nothing to me. He’s one of the things that brings me the most sadness when I think of my childhood. Yet when it comes to crushes, no one else has been able to top the feelings I had for him. And I thought of him for 7 years. And I learned today he still hasn’t let go of that part of his life. He still holds some sort of resentment for that class and those years of his life. The bullying was pretty bad for him then.

I just wanted to know how he was doing. But all I’m left with is disappointment. And unfulfillment.

But I think it’s time to let this go. Move on as I’ve been told. He’s been a shadow on my life for so long now. But I feel like he’s finally left. This was the closure I needed. If he doesn’t want anything to do with me, that’s his choice.

Hopefully he’ll stop showing up in my dreams and intruding my thoughts when I’m lonely.

I just needed to get this out. And I need to get out more fr.

[deepest0thoughts]

Hello whoever managed to stumble upon this! I’ve been meaning to make an account where I can just release my thoughts into the void or just to rant.

If you find one of my posts, I hope you can relate or feel less lonely.

This is purely for myself, but my dms and inbox are always open in case anyone wants a listening ear.

Have a nice evening! 🌌