deepdeepjoyandpain

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It’s summer camp week!

Living my best life: outdoor concert and sushi last night, dinner out with dear friends tonight, kayak day tomorrow, bday party Friday. So so needed.

We did a 2 week trip out West that wrapped up the fifth, two days at home to recover and then she was off. It’s her last year as a camper at this camp - but I learned they do have a 3 week internship program she could possibly do next year. Dreaming and hoping that could work!

Parenting remains hard. But we are making it.

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Helloooooo.

Still here, reading occasionally and always so happy to see updates from the people whose lives and stories I’ve followed and shared for years.

We are ok. 8 weeks from the end of middle school. I really cannot believe how awful these three years have been. My daughter’s trauma combined with public education has been such a shit show. Pursuing new school systems for high school and feeling ok about that choice.

All the therapy continues: joint equine, individual for both of us, started OT again last month, and I’m connecting with a somatic therapist tomorrow. I joined a special needs mom circle and it’s been a strong source of healing. Always working on acceptance and learning.

We went to Mexico for a few days and just got home. My goals were to relax together and connect. And yesss those things did happen! Along with great drinks and food, beach combing for her, two friends met and one friend fight for her, 4 books read for me, and again rest. No chores or cooking or dishes!

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We’re still here. And we’ve been doing decently! Pretty well actually.

- smooth holidays, even with the drama with my fam. Bio fam visit wasn’t great. Mom scrolling her phone looking for a tattoo idea. 50 minutes long, at a Taco Bell, she seemed hungover. Kids were great though she loved their toys. And now Lou loves Taco Bell. Ha.

- short trip to Tennessee over new years that was a relaxing trip! Let’s embrace this. She crochets, I read, we hot tub.

- January weather has done what it does and I haven’t minded. Snow shoed once and I loved it.

- Lou’s dance performance happened, it was great. The two white mom friends from there have left- and I don’t need them. Good community.

- but today was cold- such a Monday. Some work drama. A therapy session that just felt off. Crabby girl. Early to bed.

- and it’s time to figure out where to high school. How is it time for this already? I’m terrified. School remains so hard in all the ways- academically, socially. Her emotional age/realities of her low IQ feel more pronounced as her peers age and she stays younger. And also doesn’t.

- hired an old babysitter neighbor to mentor as she can- they went out yesterday and both had a fabulous time. I loved that I wasn’t craving the solo time like I can, but wanted this connection for her.

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It hasn’t been the best week. Cold for Lou, and she’s struggled. At school and home. She gets so mean. Works busy. Yet tomorrow will just be a couple hours.

But. We get a dog for the weekend tomorrow! It’s a lovely weekend with a great mix of rest and fun. And then another friends dog comes. We need that rhythm.

And it’s Christmas tree weekend!

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We survived! Five day suspension. She hit a girl during an assembly last Friday. I do think they were making an example of her as the whole school saw it—- and they know she has a “supportive home”. Whew. Monday- Thursday balancing her at home with work just sucked and wiped me out. It is our therapy week (she has a group one night and session another) so that was good timing.

Since I try and flex my Fridays I could bring her to the barn a half hour away to volunteer and work from a coffee shop. That felt good for both of us. I also found and hired a mentor for her and they had their first outing yesterday. Mentor is also a transracial adoptee, college student. They had a fantastic time out!

Today holds dance- brunch with old friends and donating blood for me, and then NOTHING. I need to recaulk my bathtub. And carve pumpkins. I want to make homemade soft pretzels. Tomorrow we have a baby shower- my first one for a Black woman. Honored to be invited!

Bring on the rest. Oh and we have a dreadful homework packet to complete. Back to school Monday will feel so good.

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Our lovely almost two month bubble of peace and harmony and delight burst. It’s October- time of heightened trauma eight years ago. Her body remembers. She’s a teen. Technology SUCKS.

This is hard. But I see all the ways I’ve grown in the last six months. Finding gratitude for that and my responses.

But oh shit. You guys know. The depths of hard and pain and all the tears.

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Guess who got out of town: 4 nights away girls trip. The time with my three friends together was wonderful. My mom and her husband kept Lou, which is so kind. Lou and I FaceTimed twice a day and she stayed so sweet and kind, reporting how she missed me.

And she’s been delightful for my whole 30 hours back at home. We are bonded well, we do have emotional safety. It’s not the same at my moms. My mom is big on anticipation and not on follow through- she’s so pumped before the visit but Lou tells me “they’re on their phones a lot”. And they still watch the news daily despite me asking for EIGHT YEARS not to when she is over.

So she missed me, our structure and our connection. Amazing! I missed her too- but also really needed the time in a gorgeous place, with my dearest friends who know me.

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Tuesday morning wrapping up a zoom training. I’m done! And zoning out.

We are doing ok! Back to playing board games at night: good solid connecting. She has her little spats and is not pleasant 24/7 but that is just not possible. Ha. I’m letting myself breathe in to May this school year be different.

Therapy- allll the therapy— keeps going well. She loves our barn time. Therapist remains amazing. I get her to myself every other week and we just had three in a row! Feels solid after a busy summer for both of us.

Fall is beautiful. We will tent camp a night at a gorgeous campground this weekend and the forecast is wonderful.

Feeling proud of how hard I’ve worked to create this house of safety, to support this amazing girl and how transformed I’ve been through it all. 🩷🩷🩷

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Sad news. Our sweet dog died on Friday. We had him for almost seven years, he came to us at 6. When we came home from friend camping in august my mom had warned me that his decline seemed even faster. After four days with him I knew it was time, so we scheduled it this way. We tried to make the most of his last days and did a stepping stone with him, took pics in the backyard, got him a pup cup of ice cream, and all the snuggles. Lou and I have been connecting much over it. It’s hard to hold both her grief and mine. I ordered her a pillow with his pic on it which arrived today and she’s sleeping with it. Doing my best to role model honesty and authenticity.

Oh we love you buddy. You helped us connect as a family in such real ways. You brought us so much joy and comfort.

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One week in to the last year of middle school. And it’s going ok! She’s been quite delightful most of the time:) no incidents. I feel calmer and am loving having fun with her.

She called me after school to report she did not want to go to volleyball tryouts after all, due to some of the girls trying out. I asked a couple times to reconsider and then ok. Fine. Truth is volleyball skills are quite new and making the team may not have happened. So that means I have more of a grasp on our fall schedule.

This weekend I kayaked on Friday - my fave, I can’t believe my friend and I got to our beloved river three times this summer. And we were oh so relaxed all weekend. I did hire a house cleaner who will start this week! Paying her means minimizing lunches out. Feeling positive about both.

We camp on a gorgeous lake for the long weekend ahead. It’s gorgeous days now, not too hot at last.

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Still here, summering oh so hard.

Camping with college friends was full of gorgeous beach days, good food and drinks, laughter and connecting. All except for my daughter. She was tough:: putting on her persona of trying to be cool all the time. Usual meanness to me. Yes, it’s a big crowd. It’s also one she has grown up with who love her. I’m really grateful for it. I thought I would get more time alone but it was just wonderful being together and playing a game with a ten year old or swimming or playing bartender or endless sweeping or giving a massage or simply catching up.

One week until school. I’m not ready. We did go to the building last week- and survived that. Please please be better!

Also living my best intensive outpatient life this week. Equine therapy together today. Tomorrow girls yoga and skills group for her. And psychiatrist. Weds pediatrician for her and her therapist. And ortho. Thursday joint therapist for just me and my dr. Friday my sole therapist. This makes me say whewwww only one kid! We also had eye dr appointments but I rescheduled so she could go to an amusement park Thursday.

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We are home. Today I can say our trip was wonderful- yesterday I was debating how to travel ever again. 14 hour drives are not easy. And while she’s growing up and learning to be helpful, Lou can’t navigate yet! Or ahem drive. So feeling the woooof single mom camping travel tiredness and also exhilaration from it.

Since we camp a lot clean up went pretty smoothly. Cleaning the car was the most intense! It was a good day. She got pretty spicy this morning but calmed really fast. Spoke positively about our adventures. Is so excited about the huge zucchini we grew, feeding the birds, and how tall the sunflowers are. I love her little nature side. Trust me our yard is tiny but look what joy it can bring!

We had a cookout/ swimming with my dads side of the family. It’s such a quirky group of people and such a loving one. My dads been gone for 12 years and seeing my nephew with my uncles just feels so good. I even had a bonding sibling group chat later. Lou played really well with the cousins who are 9 and 11, girls, and also liked talking with the 18 year old cousin too. Ha. Their mom parents quite differently than me and it’s always a vibe of ooooh you aren’t yelling, is your kid really sorry, etc. That said it was a really lovely evening. A reminder that I don’t have to see people often to love them, these twice a year things really are ok.

Back to therapy tomorrow!! Dentist. And ahem WORK after 12 days away. Then Lou goes to camp Tuesday so packing and all that fun.

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Fishing in Vermont. Going between furious at her fishing pole to so sweet and kind and believing the next cast is going to be it.

Day 6 of the two of us, vacationing. It really does take time to unwind. I can’t believe I get five more days. She’s had a couple of small tantrums, manageable. She’s always horrified at the idea of someone hearing us so camping helps since people are nearby. Ahem, especially in a tent at the Niagara Falls Koa! We pulled in and she says we can’t camp here, what about the trees?! Agree my dear. But we did love the bathrooms ha.

I’m processing all of the things, my parenting, my experience of being a teen, her experience so far, and knowing there’s just a few years left. No idea what her post high experience will be. Feeling the pressure of her academic delays, remembering how I knew this when I chose to adopt seven years ago, and told myself the school would be there for us. Reminding myself it’s the BRAIN. She can live a very full and meaningful life with academic delays. Yes it looks different but goodness can- and please- will be abound.

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It’s been a good Thursday. And like all holidays- what day is it anyway?!

Overslept and woke up at 7:20 after making cherry crisp until 11:30 last night. Still left at 7:35 and got Lou to the farm she volunteers at for a 3.5 hour shift. Mom picked her up, fed her, hung out and then brought her home. Pool had chemical imbalances so they did not swim. Lou crocheted and watched Netflix.

I had a meeting at the office about brain health, picked up diapers for clients, and then had four visits with some quick sushi to go in the middle of them. They were such fun visits. I love my job and the delight of connecting with people. I’m almost done with my l*ctation training and helped a mom correct her latch today. My four different visits were with clients from three different countries and I enjoy getting to know these women so much.

Then I came home, talking on phone with a friend who was just on vacation. Lou and I brought a cherry crisp to other friends and chatted for a few minutes with them. Our cherry crisp is in the oven and I will shower and then we’re off to softball. Sushi filled me up so dinner is off my radar.

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Home from five days camping, with very poor cell reception. The ac is on, the back of my thighs are sunburnt from when I fell asleep under my umbrella and the sun moved, new mosquito bites are being discovered. Lou went to bed already. We are both clean and the laundry is done, though piled on the “laundry couch.” I’m watching the sandlot, my 4th of July tradition. Something borrowed next. But I need to take the kayaks off my car and mow my lawn… not excited.

Lou really did pretty well solo with me. It was a good solo space and I believe in the outdoor time. She’s 13. It won’t be great being together all the time. I did menu plan like a boss and got a lot of reading in. Yesterday she met a friend and walked around with her while I did dishes and started packing up. I sunk into deep places of processing that can only happen after a few days of rest. So good for me.

Next camping trip is a big one- and only 8 days away. We got this.

Tomorrow we will get up early and pick cherries, I work and have much paperwork to get done. She has therapy at 5 and a 7:30 softball game.

Oh summer. How I love you and how well we are living it!

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She had the very best time at camp. She was a natural leader, especially in survival skills. Love it so much. They did a canoe trip. Whole cabin thought she was so strong. She gave me spontaneous hugs and “I missed you” after pick up.

Her fishing event was so much for fun for her too! They just love her and her passion for it. I’m so proud and grateful and happy she’s home.