deepcollectionedbrainwaves

[deepcollectionedbrainwaves]

was it all wrong?

was i naive from the jump.

should i have seen this coming

:(

[deepcollectionedbrainwaves]

Dear RC, we spent the last few months reconnecting over social media rekindling a connection once made on Tinder 2 years ago Between the messages on messenger the emails while you were out on deployment and then texts we finally made enough contact to comfortably agree to actually meet up and spend some time together in SD we finally met for the first time on friday and everything was great until that night i went a little over board with the alcohol and got emotional and you completely shut off to me I’d be lying to say it doesn’t hurt but it does the following day we went about our plans but it all felt disconnected and almost forced just because we had agreed before hand to do things i just dont understand even now before i left we talked and supposedly worked to a more common ground of understanding towards one another one in which we would remain friends (yes it sucks things didnt happen differently the other night) but why do things still feel a miss maybe its because part of me feels the time that was spent to finally make actual contact in play was burned to a crisp in a matter of moments maybe its because i wish i could take it all back knowing that i cant maybe its because we agreed to be friends yet i think you blocked me on social media? whatever the case i can’t shake the feeling the overthinking and most unfortunately the anxiety tied to it (whirlwind of emotions i forgot i was capable of feeling) shit ive even lost my appetite over the last few days... If you weren’t sure of who i was in the entirety of our time spent together, i would like to clarify that i am not a pretender. I’m also not the type of person to stick around in situations or with people, when clearly my presence isn’t wanted/needed. Fuck. i sound pathetic. anyways to my point nothing more wrenches my heart more than feeling like you were the one pretending from the start. “i can make your fantasies come true.” or your 3am messages letting me know that you “need me” and finally telling me yesterday that it was sea talk cause you were out on deployment HURTS. I feel like a fool because if it turns out you were just being a pretender i feel played in the sense that i wasn’t worth the truth that you spent time with me out of pitty or feeling sorry for me even the days to come after friday, and it’s really clawing at my heart. i just hope im wrong about you because i recall you also mentioning that you tend to pull away from people when they try to get close to you it just kills me not knowing which one is you if you are just that scared person who snubs people off at the first opportunity you seek to avoid any future heart ache or if you’re just really an asshole who like to grab attention and once you have that discard of the people giving it to you. I honestly hope its the latter in my heart of hearts i feel the truth is that you took my little mishap on friday to push me away its killing me right now i just hope with time this too shall pass i hope that you‘ll realize you‘re wrong about me and be that it may be friends or whatever else if and when we meet again i’ll be a much better version of myself hopefully one you won’t be able to resist i need to be the person i want to attract. i’ll just cut this post off here before i start completely rambling and not make any sense i just needed an outlet to vent